I feel frustrated and fed up from caring for my elderly parents!!

Started by

Although I don't live with my parents, I am their prime caretaker for all their medical appointments, paperwork, help around the house and emotional well being. My mom has had many medical issues throughout the years and I cannot count how many appointments I have taken her to. How many hours away from work that I had to make up the hours in the evenings and weekend. How worried I am all the time that I may get fired for all the time away. Worried that I may get sick as I am not taking care of myself or going to my appointments. My mom has diabetes, heart, high blood pressure, depression, insomnia, many more issues. Last year, the hospital found a suspicious growth in her breast and the entire year was spent tests and more tests. It was awful!! Thankfully she did not have cancer and we were happy but that was shortlived (she became even more depressed). I am emotionally and physically drained beyond belief. All this stress has caused my health to suffer (migraines, anemia, dizziness, exhaustion). I feel overwhelmed all the time. My Dad, love him dearly, but useless when it comes to helping my Mom. They call me in the middle of the night to ask me "should we call an ambulance? rather than my Dad taking care of this. What would happen if I dont answer my phone, I ask them?. I am finding myself not wanting to be around or call them as often as I did. This saddens me tremendously because we are very close but my life with them is appointments, talking about appointments or listening to the health issues. She worries when she is fine and when she is not. It is so draining, depressing and frustrating when I talk to her. There are times that she is doing okay medically but finds something or someone new to stress about. I dread asking "how are you?" as she goes into an hour long session of what is worrying her even though everything is fine. At times I feel like I am losing my patience and want to tell her "enough!!!" but then feel guilty !! I have been feeling like this for the past 2 years after 20 years of this. I am going for a battery of medical tests soon and all I keep on thinking about "what if I am ill?"- I cant do this anymore. Help


Did you read the "Please help, I am desperate" thread, which is still onoing? Similar problems and discussion. There are such things as "senior care managers" who can assess what the situation is and offer solutions.
Dear Lenche - I was going to write the same thing that AlzCaregiver wrote to you. I hope you will read the suggested thread and I hope it helps you.
Could your parents be suffering from depression? I'd talk with your doctor, their doctor and see if any of you are

before mom was placed on hospice i was the one that ran her and dad to all appointments etc. did that for 15 + years. dad passed very quickly and that was 5 years ago. mom has been on hospice 2+ years and i am her full time caregiver.

i had to get mom involved in outside things when she was able to. dad refused to leave the house unless he had to. mom likes to talk, and dad liked to play dominos.

since moms health condition worsened she looks to me for her information and entertainment. i wish i'd have put my foot down sooner. i'd sit down with them and tell them how you feel in a non-confrontational manner and just tell them they are NOT alone, you're NOT abandoning them, but that you are stressed out, tired and whatever you're feeling. try saying I feel.....instead of you're making me....

if you approach it as you need help dealing with this situation, they may take back some of their parental focus and rally to help you instead of burning you out.

I caught mom in a good mood yesterday and did this very thing and she actually got up and used the toilet instead of the adult diaper. it worked yesterday, i hope it works today.

good luck and i hope this helps :)
You didn't say whether your dad has medical/mental problems also. If he's in pretty good shape, then I don't understand why HE doesn't assume the role of his wifes' primary caretaker. I would think the man, being the fixers they are, would want that responsibility. But then, maybe he has his own problems, I don't know.
I finally got a Dr. to come to the house and explained her pain, where it is and the situations that seem to exaggerate the pain. She was suffering from depression and they believe she has a stomach ulcer. The Dr. discontinued her older anti-depressant and the new one is a God send. She is happy again, no more pain, eating very well and is gaining in strength.

Keep pestering the Dr. and nurses to make them understand what is going on. They have the means to help, you just have to be a nudge. I worked on this for 5 months. All they would do was up her morphine. The squeaky wheel does get the oil.

Good luck and God bless!
Stop and take care of yourself. Let them take some responsibilities for how their needs are to be met. Their is eldercare they can call and ask for some assistence. If they own a home, they certainly can afford to pay for eldercare services. You are not required to be their unpaid errand girl. I myself am tired of hearing seniors take advantage of their children when they have the means to make other arrangements.
Boy if this does not sound like my situation. My mother has been in assisted living for 2 months and my dad for 3 months. My dad has stage 6 alzhiemers and my mother just falls a lot and breaks bones. She can not be left home alone anymore. She went into assisted living from rehab from her latest fall. She is now saying she is going home and taking my dad with her. My dad can't not stand or walk or even transfer. It takes 2 people and a hoyer lift to move him anywhere. Each time I talk to her on the phone I end up having to hang up and each time I go to see her we get into a bad argument and I have to just walk away. At this point I do not even want to be around her. I just want to check on her and leave as it always goes bad trying to talk to her. I am mentally and physically drained. It is effecting my well being too much.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support