Frustrated and depressed.

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Sorry for blank subject line - I don't know how to use this forum.

I'm 32 years old, and my dad is 69. About 15 years ago, he had a brain aneurism that left him disabled. At that time, he was able to walk with a walker, but had issues with balance, slurred his words, and had dexterity impulse issues.

I remember at the time thinking how awful it was to not have a healthy dad, but little did I know what was in store for my family. My dad became severely obese, had a series of mental health issues that he refused to treat (depression, PTSD, etc). Developed diabetes due to his weight. Over the years, his health declined. He refused PT or any help at home. He eventually switched to a wheel chair and over the course of the past years spent 99% of his day in one chair in one room. He has a terrible attitude, lies all the time, and denies any help. Eventually, even his full time home health aid admitted that his needs were beyond what they could provide, since he needs full time nurses to care for his diabetic wounds and other sores.

Dad was just moved to a nursing home last month. I was grateful at the time, because we had searched and applied to so many (my god are they expensive.) I love my dad so much, and I continue to visit every other day. But he is absolutely miserable and doesn't want to be there and is a complete jerk to me the entire time I'm there. He's refused PT (again) even though that could give him more independence while he's there, and even refuses showers. He's so gross and stinks that I don't even want to get near him. He's regressed so poorly that he can't even help himself get comfortable in a chair... if he starts to slide down he needs 4 people to help him. He literally sits in the same chair in the same room and urinates on himself all day... and he doesn't have dementia or mental incapacity. He's just angry and depressed all the time. I know he's in the right place, but the situation really sucks.

The entire ordeal has been a nightmare. No one should have to live like that. I honestly wish he would just pass away in his sleep soon so he could find peace. I am a terrible daughter.

This has also bled into my personal life. I'm depressed and afraid all the time that I'm going to end up like that. I am so afraid of getting old or sick. What's the point of life if that's where you end up.
Sorry your living such a nightmare. It cant help but bleed into your personal life. One thing my experience with my narc mother has taught me and that is to make arrangements for YOUR OWN future. Plus your Obviously a different kind of person ( than your dad ) so its impossible for you to end up in the same situation. Just reading here will help you tremendously. And you are not a terrible daughter, its hard to watch somebody be so miserable everyday without thinking you would rather be dead than live like that. That's a normal response I think.
I know that at your age 69 seems old, but a lot of us on this forum are caring for people in their 80's and beyond, some of us doing the caregiving are in their 60's and 70's. I respectfully submit your dad's quality of life was destroyed not by age, but by a life altering injury at a relatively young age.
It is unfortunate he will not agree to treatment for his mental health issues as they seem to be the root of his decline. It sounds as if you, however, could benefit from some counselling to work things through.
69 doesn't seem old to me... in fact that's a large part of what makes the situation sad. Dad has been "ill" since his early 50s... and though he has a lot of issues he still has a long life ahead of him. Likewise, I've been his HCPOA and caring for everything for him (meals, doctors appointments, showers, even wound care and cleaning urinals) since I was 19. It's very sad to think that he'll spend so many more of his years just wasting away in a chair. I hope with some time that he'll adjust better to the nursing home and starts joining group meal times and attends activities. But I fear he will remain reclusive in his room for the rest of his life, which could be several decades.
Are you an only child? Are your parents divorced? How is it you came to be doing so much hands on caring for him at only 19 years of age?
You sound like a caring and compassionate person, but you should not have had to have your life so focused around your father at such a young age. I think it would be good for you to distance yourself from him for a while until he settles into his new home. You can't change him, so you will have to change yourself and set some boundaries. You don't have to abandon him, but take some time to focus on your own goals and dreams.
I am sorry for your situation...your dad is making his choices. You have to make yours. Live your life for you...remember your dad from before his accident...and think of him that way. Time to move on obviously he will not and you should not lose your life because he is wallowing in self pity...The county is taking care of him for now. Perhaps if you make your self scarce he will find a reason to change.

Wishing you strength to let go.
So sorry about your dad. He could have had a better life maybe with better rehab early on, and with avoidance of the severe obesity and diabetes. If this course cannot be revered though, he most likely does not have several decades. Complications like strokes, limb loss, vision loss, and infections are in his future. He may be developing early dementia and there could come a point where he would be considered not competent but even then most places do not force people to do many things when they refuse. He sounds ike he is depressed and might even be in pain, both of which would respond to medication. Sometimes they will be more insistent about meds or find ways to get them in despite resistance.

If he had chosen to have a better life, it would have been a blessing to you. But he did not and may not ever. Do what you are able to do and take better care of yourself than he did, and let go of the guilt for things you could not have done any better. At some point you should find it possible to believe you are not a terrible daughter because of what your dad chose to make of his life with his disability. If all your efforts could have made Dad happy and functional, he would not be in this shape - it is Not Your Fault in any way shape or form. You don't mention other family members and what they may have been doing or not doing all along.

Unappreciated every other day visits are too much and too draining - visit less regularly and cut the visits shorter when he starts to get nasty. At some pointis is possible that he will treat you better because he may want more contact with you, but the way it is now, you are expected to come no matter what he dishes out so he keeps dishing it out. Don;t just keep doing something that makes both of you feel worse and do wourse out of false guilt. If there are care problems on the facility's part, you have a better chance of picking themup by coming at non-predictable times anyways.

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