For you all.

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I don't post here very much as my narcissistic mother is now in a NH and I've somewhat distanced myself from her but I read the posts here each day and my heart goes out to all of you. So many of you are dealing with situations that are unimaginable and I just wanted to say that, thanks to AC, you know you're never alone.

So many of us, life long, have experienced the abuse, lies, manipulation, mean, accusations, and just plain evil that we will have PTSD forever and will struggle with it until the day we die. All we can do is recognize it for what it is/was.

I have always loathed my mother and avoided her at all costs yet I gave up my career, home and friends to move to care for her until she deteriorated so badly I could no longer manage 24/7/365 (only child) and she went into a NH. Why? Purely out of duty and nothing more.

As of today my mother is 88 and has deteriorated (parkinsons, dementia and many strokes) to the point that she is just a shell and unable to be nasty any more, in bed or a wheelchair and barely able to speak. She has a private room and bath, over looking the garden and I put a bird feeder outside her window. The NH staff are wonderful. I have POA and ensure she has all she needs.

Last time I visited she wanted nail polish. I'll get it for her but I'll take the time to paint her nails as she can't. Why? because I can and it would mean so much to her to have pretty nails - unlike mine which are ragged and dirty from working this land.

How do I feel right now? I'm totally angry at how she treated me my whole life, kept going on about how I should do this or that to "better" myself yet put insurmountable obstacles in the way, ran off any boyfriend because "he's just after MY money" ... I could go on and on.

Right now? Yes, I still have the anger and loathing but she's a shell and I will do right by her to the end, making sure she has all she needs and funds are preserved for her care. I live very simply, have some income of my own and need little for myself..

Maybe in the next life she will find some peace in her soul. I'm sad for her. She's never been happy with anything, nothing was ever good enough, she wouldn't make friends as everyone had to run to her, and the few she did make she's run off over the years so she has no visitors. The day she dies no-one will care..

Thank you for reading this. Just know that I, and everyone here on AC, holds you close in your struggles and we're always here for you. God Bless you all.

4 Comments

you dont seem to regret your actions , ash , just wish your mom wasnt so difficult . it sounds to me like you done what you had to do to preserve your own peace of mind . i hope your life brings many rewards
Sigh... I read your words, Ash, and all I feel is sadness. I don't know if it's sadness emanating from you or sadness from me that I envy you. But, I have a feeling it's both. Sadness that she treated you that way, yet you gave up most of everything to take care of her until you no longer could. Sadness that she's a shell - yet - it must be such a relief, too. Sadness that you accepted all this and still have the anger and loathing for her. My mom passed away last year. I still cannot erase the memories of her treatment to us while growing up. Or her attacking dad with a butcher knife while he was laughing, egging her on. Maybe time will heal most wounds, maybe not. I'm just glad that you were able to do something with her so that someone else does the 24-hour caregiving. I'm happy for you, Ash. =) {{hugs}}
((Ash)).... I feel your pain, also I feel your new found joy in life. Being simple, living simply and enjoying the simple things in life. I hope you're able to find "peace" in life and let that anger/loathing seep out of you.

Bless you in your new journey !!
Ashlynne-such a life time of pain and anger we have inherited from having a parent like this. Once you let go of the anger and work through it, you find peace. I know it seems like such a waste but parents like ours know no other to be. We do know that life is enjoyable and the world is not against us...you are moving forward already with enjoying your privacy, space and the simple things.
Bless you as you continue to heal.

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