For you all.
I don't post here very much as my narcissistic mother is now in a NH and I've somewhat distanced myself from her but I read the posts here each day and my heart goes out to all of you. So many of you are dealing with situations that are unimaginable and I just wanted to say that, thanks to AC, you know you're never alone.
So many of us, life long, have experienced the abuse, lies, manipulation, mean, accusations, and just plain evil that we will have PTSD forever and will struggle with it until the day we die. All we can do is recognize it for what it is/was.
I have always loathed my mother and avoided her at all costs yet I gave up my career, home and friends to move to care for her until she deteriorated so badly I could no longer manage 24/7/365 (only child) and she went into a NH. Why? Purely out of duty and nothing more.
As of today my mother is 88 and has deteriorated (parkinsons, dementia and many strokes) to the point that she is just a shell and unable to be nasty any more, in bed or a wheelchair and barely able to speak. She has a private room and bath, over looking the garden and I put a bird feeder outside her window. The NH staff are wonderful. I have POA and ensure she has all she needs.
Last time I visited she wanted nail polish. I'll get it for her but I'll take the time to paint her nails as she can't. Why? because I can and it would mean so much to her to have pretty nails - unlike mine which are ragged and dirty from working this land.
How do I feel right now? I'm totally angry at how she treated me my whole life, kept going on about how I should do this or that to "better" myself yet put insurmountable obstacles in the way, ran off any boyfriend because "he's just after MY money" ... I could go on and on.
Right now? Yes, I still have the anger and loathing but she's a shell and I will do right by her to the end, making sure she has all she needs and funds are preserved for her care. I live very simply, have some income of my own and need little for myself..
Maybe in the next life she will find some peace in her soul. I'm sad for her. She's never been happy with anything, nothing was ever good enough, she wouldn't make friends as everyone had to run to her, and the few she did make she's run off over the years so she has no visitors. The day she dies no-one will care..
Thank you for reading this. Just know that I, and everyone here on AC, holds you close in your struggles and we're always here for you. God Bless you all.