Finally came to blows.

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Well last night I finally blocked my sister from being able to call me, blocked her from Facebook. Things have got so out of hand I don't have a clue what to do anymore. My mother finally came out and ask me not to send her to my sisters anymore, her former caregiver told me that when he was up there with her in the past things were not good but he did not really want to say anything. Come to find out my sister made the comment to him that she felt that she was treated poorly when she was a teenager so now it was time for pay backs. No one was treated bad at our house it was a typical 70's child raising, of course we were made to mind but for some reason my sister can come up with some crazy ideas that she was abused, I think she watches to much day time TV. Its finally time that I can go on vacation, I take Mom home once a year to her farm and home, we have a bunch of friends meeting us, she looks so forward to this, they are all girls that I grew up with and she has know them for 50 years, they all love her to death and call her Mom so you can imagine the excitement for her. Well its a 17 hour plus drive and I decided that the drive was way to much for mom to handle, so I bought a plain ticket for her and her care giver I felt it was in her best interest, I will drive with my husband and step son. Now my sister is throwing a fit and saying that I'm spending moms money frivolously I explained my reasoning and she told me "throw her in the back seat and do not spend the money" then she informed me that I'm to leaver her caregiver at home. Does anyone think that I'm out of line? I'm honestly looking for suggestions. I do not spend moms money frivolously, she contributes to grocery's once a month and that is all, there are four in the family so I though that was fair, other than that the only thing that I buy with her money is clothing for her, when she came to my house I don't believe she had bought any clothes in years so yes I have bought her some nice blouses and summer pants but they were not expensive, I'm a bargain hunter. My sister wants no responsibility but she sure will scream and yell about the money. The tickets cost 725.00 for 2 round trip tickets and it will be a three hour trip instead of a 17 hour trip, less confusion. My cousins will be there to pick her up, she loves them and they adore her. I'm just so disgusted at the moment any advice would be appreciated.


$725.00 on plane tickets to make your mother's journey more pleasant hardly sounds out of line. Go and enjoy. The siblings who question every dollar are the one's counting on the inheretance being their retirement. Have a great trip!
OMG i have a sister just like yours, I could cry for you. They are vultures not thinking of the welfare or happiness of the parent at all, just what they will gain. My mom had surgery and went into a nursing home temporarily for therapy to gain strength, my "sister" lives only a few hours away and has informed me that she will be up in a few WEEKS and is demanding access to Mom's apartment. I too blocked her from my phone, my facebook, etc.
Keep taking care of your mom as you see fit, she lives with you, you know her better than anyone.
It's so strange, Mom has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's about 3 years ago and I knew something was wrong for about 2 years before that. My sister and niece have doomed her, they lie to her and I think that is so wrong, they try to make her believe that she said things that she did not. For instance, they keep telling her that she gave my niece permission to drive her car, Mom knows better but you can see the look of confusion on her face. I'm threatened that if I tell her the truth I will have a lot of trouble, I have told Mom the truth about the whole thing I'm not lying to my Mom, she has memory issues but this is just adding to everything and making her question herself. They laugh about it and its not funny, that is why I refuse to let her go up there again, we did put all her assets in trust but I told her exactly what we had done after it was all over, at that time she would not budge and said nothing was wrong, we have a cousin that is known for moving in on the elderly and having them sign everything over to her so we were trying to protect her, at the time she lived in Virginia by herself. But after it was all done I sat with Mom and said mom this is what we did and its for your protection so no one can take anything from you. she was very thankful that we had done that so I don't feel like I'm lying to her at all, sometimes I have to say and do things to get her to go along but me and Mom have always had a trust in each other, she knows that I would never do anything that was not for her own good I even took out all the paperwork from the attorneys and put it in front of her and ask her if she would like me to go over it with her. My sister and niece keep trying to pull me into all there lies and twisted ways and say they are protecting us, WTH!!!! I have absolutely nothing to hide from my mom. I promised her last night that she did not have to return to my sisters house, she is kind of like a child, she does not want to do anything wrong and I have found that she will just go to my sisters house thinking she is keeping the piece. I discussed the whole situation with her and she flat told me that she did not want to go anymore, she does not feel comfortable, from what the previous care giver told me my sister will stand behind my mom and smell her hair, how embarrassing, my mother is a clean person, you may have to tell her its bath time but the way they handle things is so degrading. I don't care how sick someone is I believe they still know when they are being disrespected. they have gone as far as telling me that my sisters husbands parents said my mom smelt like pee, that is so crazy, she does not and I have met these people and can't imagine that they would ever say something like this. My sister will tell mom things that are not true and swear to it, I can only imagine this confuses her even more. Then I don't know if I mentioned that the previous care giver was told that she had such a bad child hood that its time for payback???? I had no idea that this was said or that someone could even believe that or be that way. Mom is happy with us, I was so pleased the other day, Mom has always been on the shy side when it comes to people, my friends have made her so happy and comfortable that she looked at me the other day and said Honey, I'm so happy here, I feel like I finally found my group of friends that I have wanted all these years, meaning my friends, or I should say now Mom's friends, they all adore her and would do anything for her. We are all meeting at the farm which is quite a drive for everyone but they are all so happy to go and spend time with one another and see Mom, Mom is so very happy about the whole thing but this makes my sister so mad, she claims that I'm doing it for my fun, well I am, we have all been friends for 40 plus years and they grew up with mom, they all call her mom and treat her better than my sister and niece ever did but again, in my sisters mind I'm doing it all for me. Well if I was doing something for myself I think it would be a honeymoon with my new husband but I want to include my mother, I feel that she may not have much time left and YES!!!! I want her to have fun and only think of her life as a wonderful time. She has been so down and out for the last 10 years, loosing my Grandpa, Grandma, and Father in a 3 year period really pushed her over the edge. My sister won't even drive for 8 hours to see her and for her to get mad over me spending 725.00 so she can have a good time and not a lot of stress getting there I do not think is bad. she actually wanted me to leave her at my house. I honestly can't believe that people (My own family) can be so cruel, they never offer to take her anywhere or do anything with her, we have her out 4 wheeling of course going slow, we take her everywhere we go and she has so much fun.
It sounds like you have a wonderful bond with your mother, just keep doing things that make you both happy! I'm sorry your sis is so self centred, and her daughter obviously learned from her mother. For now I think you will have to deal with your sister by keeping her at arms length and handling each 'crisis' as it comes along.
Aveeno, you just go ahead with your vacation plans. A 3 hour plane trip will be so much easier on your mother. Good grief, it's just tragic how siblings can be so greedy and not have their parent's best interest in mind!

Totally agree with cwillie. Keep her at arms length! If you are primary caregiver of your mother, it is none of her business anyway.

I can tell you really love and cherish your mother :) I was like you with my mother, always taking her fun places and doing things she enjoyed while she was able to. My 3 older brothers did nothing. Whatever makes your mother happy, do it, one day she won't be able to do these wonderful things with you.

I blocked all 3 brothers as well and basically told them they could just piss off.

Have a wonderful trip and let us know how it went!
Aveeno, take lots of photos, videos, record her reminiscences. You could make a slideshow when you get home, have the photos put into a book like Snapfish so she can browse thru them at home. And since you're driving, you could bring back a few favorite food items from home for her. Have a wonderful trip!
Aveeno, PLEASE ask the MD if it is OK for her to fly. Alz can really get out of hand in fluctuating cabin pressures.
Pamstegma- I have, i always consult her doctor with my thoughts and dicisions, I appreciate your thoughts, sometimes I think the doc thinks i'm crazy with some of my questions but better safe than sorry
I guess my sister realized that she has been blocked, I have to admit my life has really calmed down and I'm in a much better mood the last week not listening to all the craziness. Vacation is just around the corner. My sister only has email as a contact option now so of course she emailed me a hand full of times yesterday I guess as her way of trying to start talking again. She even wished me a wonderful vacation. Now why would someone raise so much trouble then turn around and try to act like they care. One of her last text to me said to cancel Mom's plain ticket and just throw her in the back seat of the car.?? I will make this as pleasant for my Mom as I can, she is so excited it makes me smile just to see her so happy. The caregiver has actually become her best friend, well other than me, they get along so well, they just laugh and talk all day and she confides in the caregiver so that has meant so much, I can see that its helped Mom, her face is starting to have that smooth relaxed look to it, she use to look just stressed out. My sister will not attend, even though its just an 8 hour drive for her, I believe she is not only embarrassed the way her and her daughter acted in front of my friends last year at the wedding but the car is a huge factor, I have told Mom my part in all of it and apologized but even though I told my sister that I don't want to know what she is doing any longer with the car because I will not twist story's and give mom thoughts that she said something that she did not, I no longer want to be involved. She has been told to put it back and I can do nothing about it except fight and she is going to do what she will do anyway. I in no way want to discuss this because I do not want to upset my mom, Mom trusts me to do what is right and it hurts so bad that I can really do nothing about this, so I have just decided that she has been told what to do by my mother and if she chooses not to there is just nothing I can do about it unless I want to continue to just scream and yell. Linda22 thanks for the idea, sometimes you just don't think but I think its a wonderful idea to take a lot of photos, videos, I try to bring small things that mean a lot to her home each time we go, mostly her pictures of family members and a few trinkets that have been around forever. I really do love the idea about the photo book, the caregiver tells me that she shows her the same pictures over and over so that is an excellent idea. Thanks everyone for all the support, sure does help to have you all to talk to.
We went on vacation as planned, I was surprised to see that they had returned the car. I realized after I quit playing all the games and told them to do what they wanted I was done, they did exactly what they had agreed to do, I also let them know that I was no longer agreeing to any of this, the car was back in the garage and if they even though about taking it again I don't even want to know about it. Of course they made every excuse as to why they could not drive 8 hours to spend any time with my Mom. Very heartbraking, but the good news, all my cousins live there (Virginia and Tennessee) we all met for dinner and I was so happy, not just one but every single on pulled me aside to tell me that Mom was doing so much better than when they saw her last year. I decided to fly her in this year with her caregiver and it was a world of difference, she knew it was her home and she was very coherent. Mom had the best time, she saw everyone and just had a blast. I took her and her caregiver back to the airport on Sunday and I though she was slipping, she thanked me over and over. I told her Mom, I'm driving home and will be there in just a couple of days, her response was I know Honey but I just wanted to come home so bad and spend time with everyone and you and Tom made that possible, she really got me that time. We have decided to try and go 2 -3 times a year instead of once a year. We all love it there and it makes her so happy, I'm just sorry that my sister and niece can't seem to show up. I also found out last night that my mom is fully aware of this, I never say anything, I did not want her to know what is going on with them but out of the blue she looked at one of my friends last night and said, They never do anything for me, they never ask me to come there, I know who loves me. Again I was shocked, I sometimes feel like Mom is aware of a lot more than what doctors try to make me think, so any of you have this situation. It took a day or two but Mom is doing well, back to her old self, well this go around with flying and not driving it was so much easier, she did not seem confused well she was a little but I had been told she would snap back after a day or so of sleep and she sure did. Thank you all for caring, its nice to have support when your family is not there for you.

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