Hi there
I am not even sure what I am writing about, I just feel the need to get some stuff off my chest that has been weighing on me. My fiancee's mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease last year--she is only 64. Right now, she is in the mild stages. Often times, she seems completely normal and she does not require any sort of extensive care. My fiancee and I work online and our lifestyle involves living our dreams of living abroad--we jokingly call ourselves ''citizens of the world'', because we love to hop from one country to the other. His mother was first diagnosed when we were living in Asia. At the time, we did not think to come home as it was not like she was in a serious accident or diagnosed with advanced cancer and expected to die within a month--in those cases, we of course would have been on the next plane. Also, our financial situation was a bit tight at that time, and we could not afford to live in New Jersey.Things are better now but if we had to settle there permanently, it would put a bit of a strain on us,which would just make everything worse.
We came home about a year after the diagnosis and his one sister totally went postal on him (naturally since she held these feelings in for over a year), saying he was this horrible, selfish person for not coming home. We were in the States for about two months, and recently left to take a short 2-month trip out of the country. Again, his sister is going nuts on him, thinking he is abandoning his dying mother. I understand she has a serious condition, but she may be afflicted with this disease for another 5, 10 or even 20 years. The thought of settling back in NJ for an indefinite amount of time to participate in her care is not something I think I could handle; it would require us to totally give up our lives, lives we worked so hard to create; if we were settled there with jobs and a house, that would be totally different, but that is not our home anymore. I know there are lots of people who live a distance from their sick parents ,and many of them simply cannot just leave and move back home, and with good reason. I think I am reasonable in my apprehension about creating total upheaval in my life.
If she had something like cancer, where she was only expected to live another six months or something like that, I would totally be okay with staying there awhile and doing anything I could to help her. I do care about her, and I have compassion, but the idea of totally giving up my life possibly a decade or more because certain members of his family feel like he should be home during this whole time is just too much, and I fear it would put a horrible strain on our relationship. He loves his mother dearly, but totally abandoning his current life for god knows how many years is not something he thinks he could handle either--we are only in our 30s and never anticipated having to deal with something like this at this point in our lives. . His father is alive and in good health and he has a sister that has lives right around the corner so it is not like we are the only people who are available to care for her. I do try to help in other ways, such as doing extensive research on the internet about supplements and other complementary treatments that may help but so far, I do not think they have tried to experiment with any of it--which frustrates me because I think they should at least give something a shot to see if it makes any difference, but that is really not relevant nor is it my place to say anything.. Giving up the life we have now would no doubt make both of us miserable and I know my mental health would take a huge hit.
On one hand, I understand the point of view that people think we are obligated to care for our parents when they age and get sick; but, when that care requires us to totally give up our own lives and tend to them every second, that is a different story. Yes, our parents took care of us and made sacrifices, but raising a child , which is hard, but comes with many joys, is not the same as being a caregiver to seriously ill adults. i have chosen not to have children because my life goals and ,more importantly, my temperament and personality, really do not gel well with parenthood; I think it would put a serious strain on my mental health and I think it would compromise my ability to be a good parent. Everything that I fear, and know is not good for me would come to pass with this situation in one form or another, and I just know it would be a disaster.
I know to a lot of people I sound selfish and evil, but from reading this forum the last couple of days, I also know there are a lot of people on here who can understand how I feel and I guess I am just looking for other people's thoughts on the situation. We cannot control feelings and these are mine and I am just being honest about them.
1) You are right. Returning to settle near your fiancee's parents would be totally life-changing. Many children do similar things for their parents. As you browse on this site you will find many who have done it and deeply regret it, and others who would make the same choice in a heartbeat. What others do is not really relevant to you decision.
2) In deciding not to have children you have already recognized something in your own nature. You would probably not make the best hands-on caregivers.
3) Alzheimer's is a fatal condition, but your Mother-in-Law (may I call her that?) is not actively dying at this time. Perhaps ten or fifteen or twenty years from now when she is on hospice and actively dying the two of you would like to be nearby to be supportive of the rest of the family.
4) The postal sister is having great difficulty with MIL's diagnosis. Understandable. It is unfortunate she is taking it out on her brother. MIL would have developed dementia no matter where her children were living. Even if Brother moved into their house she would still have dementia. This is Not His Fault. Him coming home immediately would not have changed anything. It is very common to react to a diagnosis like this with anger. But for Sister to direct her anger at Brother is irrational. I hope the two of you can take it in stride and not let it become a decisive issue in the family.
5) What kind of help, exactly, is needed for MIL in the mild stage of the disease? Is FIL retired and available to take her to appointments? Or does the nearby sister take care of her appointments? Is MIL no longer able to do housework, or to cook? Who is picking up that slack? I think it would be good to know exactly what kind of extra help is needed and how it is being provided. And, of course, this will increase over time. Once you know that you will be in a better position to determine how you can help from abroad.
6) What is the financial situation? Has someone had to give up a paying job to be with MIL? Can Dad afford to hire a cleaning service, and whatever in-home help is needed?
7) When you know, and keep up with, the nature and cost of the help needed, then figure out how you can contribute most with the least impact on your lifestyle. Maybe it is financial help -- for example paying for a cleaning service so it doesn't fall by default on Nearby Sister. Maybe it is sending cash for gas money to whoever does the driving to appointments. Maybe it is periodic visits and providing respite to FIL. Helping means supporting those who are doing the hands-on work, too.
8) Stay in touch. Use email and skype and cell phones. Write cheery notes to MIL -- and actually put a stamp on them and mail them. Snail mail often brings a smile to us old folks.
This diagnosis is bound to impact your lifestyle some. It will require some of your attention and time and maybe some of your income to be supportive of the folks back home. I think with careful planning you two can minimize the impact but still make a real contribution.
You are right about knowing my nature—I am a very self-reflective, introspective type person. I am a warm, loving, kind person but I do not know if would have it in me to take on an extensive caregiving role. Like you mentioned, when she reached a point where she was truly dying, we would of course be there right away. Also, since our schedules are flexible, we do plan on visiting and seeing everyone every so often. For example, we only went away for two months this time to Costa Rica, which is not that far away. Then we want to come back and stay for a month or so to spend time with everyone.
As for his sister, I know that this must be very hard for her; she also has a host of personal problems and I know she is just generally unhappy and perhaps a bit depressed. His parents are kind, nice people but used to have serious drinking problems. My fiancée and his sisters experienced beatings on several occasions and have many scars from that; my fiancée worked very hard to transcend his past and his sister holds onto a lot of stuff. I think that there is a part of her that is jealous that my fiancée found a way to be happy despite their childhood. He loves her and has reached out to her, but she just cannot see his perspective. As I mentioned in my original post, she sees her mother as dying in this moment, and sees Ryan as being dismissive and not caring.
At this stage, she really does not require any extensive care; she is doing a clinical trial and goes to a clinic for that every two weeks I believe, but she does not have to visit a doctor regularly for anything. She is not experiencing any sort of physical health problems. She has memory issues, but nothing severe where she is unaware of surroundings or anything like that. My fiancée was there the other day and they were watching the Big Bang Theory together and she was getting all the jokes! She is able to shower and take care of herself, but FIL does do most of the cooking. She still gardens and walks her dog several times a day. MY future FIL has been retired for several years and is available at all times to her. At this point, he does not need any assistance in caring for her. His job asked him to retire early and he was given a very nice bonus for that; they are not rich, but between savings, social security, pension,etc…there are no financial issues. If necessary, they would be able to afford in-home care, cleaning services,etc… If he thought he could not keep up with the house anymore, we would be happy to help pay for a service or other types of costs that may be required to help ease some of the strain.
We are very good about staying in touch and Ryan frequently skypes with his parents when we are away. In the couple of months that we were home, he tried to get together with them more frequently, but they have always liked their privacy and were never big on frequent visits, so most times, he was told that they would do it another time.
I know as time goes on, more info will emerge on how we would be able to help and I do want to do everything that I can, but at this point in time, I do not think moving back there is the answer. Thank you again so much for your response.
I don't think you are evil, or any more selfish than I am. I understand that you are trying to be helpful. Certainly keeping MIL well-nourished and fit will improve her quality of life at every stage of disease.
My personal reaction when someone tells me that low thyroid can mimic dementia is to think, "Do you think I'm stupid and incompetent? Don't you think I would have already checked that out?" People on this site recommend cocoanut oil or something. I think, "Feel free to come to my house and give him the pills every day. If it really worked, it would be recommended by his doctor." As you can see, I'm a touchy crab-apple who hates being told what to do. Your future SIL is probably just like me. Understanding that you mean well wouldn't prevent my knee-jerk reaction, and I claim to be a Buddhist!
Being helpful, in my opinion, would be to send cards and flowers, to call often and listen sympathetically, to send money, to handle paperwork, to volunteer to MIL-sit for a week or a weekend. Sure, you don't want to have kids or caregive, but to suck it up for a short period would be a growth experience for you. To make sure you both spend regular quality time with MIL while she's alert enough to enjoy it is the kind of thing that I think kids DO owe their parents. If you and fiance do get married, it will be for better or for worse. To encourage or support or allow him to truly support his family through this seems like a rehearsal for the future and a way to build good Karma.
Think about how much you can actually stand to do, and then do a little bit more. You'll be proud of yourself in years to come.
You see my mother has Alzheimer's and we are past the early stages. So my advice is going to be far different than the rest of those on this panel.
If I were in your shoes, take his mom on a trip with you. If she is in the early stages, then she can travel and enjoy things. Plus it will give your fiance's sister a break.
Do not just call and send cards like others say because if I get them I would throw in the trash and be angry. I travel with my mother and it actually helps out with the Alzheimer's and engages her brain.
No one says you have to give up your lifestyle, but you can give his sister a break by taking his mom on a trip. Talk with his sister and figure out a way to share the duties. Perhaps giving her a couple of trips each year will give her something to look forward to.
I travel with my mom in a 5th wheel and I take her on a cruise to foreign ports every year. I take my mom with me almost everywhere. I have 3 sisters that do very little and leave the burden of caregiving to me. So I understand both sides of your equations, if you continue to live your life and do nothing to take the burden off your fiance's sister, she is going to become angry and has every right to.
You have a right to live your life, but so does his sister. That is why I say share in the duties. She is in the mild stages, I am in stage 4 with my mom and we still travel.
You can make it work if you are willing to negotiate and work together as a team.
I am sorry for those that disagree, but I believe that siblings should share and be equal in the care of their aging parents. Living it to one sibling is wrong and putting them in a NH for no one to visit is also wrong.
So work together and take your fiance mother on a trip one or twice a year it will be good for all of you.
I am living all sides of your situation. My mother has a broken leg that isn't going to heal so cannot walk, she is in stage 4 Alzheimer's and losing ground every day, I can work from anywhere and do a lot of traveling, but I am also angry and bitter towards my siblings for their crap. Flowers, cards and money cannot make up for their behavior over the past 2 years.
Sorry, but this is how I feel and I am living it right now.
If you have not been a 24/7 caregiver then you have no idea what it is means to deal with the changes and moods of Alzheimer's. I have been with my mom through the early stages because she cannot walk and the changes take a toll.
The sister is watching her mother change and she is doing it alone. Money, cards, flowers and not being hands on does nothing to help the individual that is hands on 24 hours a day.
I am on 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with no breaks. I have one sister that will attempt to care for my mom, but she is easily grossed out so I can't be gone for more than several hours. My other 2 sisters do not lift a finger. What little money or things they buy mom does little in regards to her care.
From a Pyschology point of view, of which I can speak on, leaving the 24/7 care to one individual is poor behavior and selfish.
The key is to negotiate and everyone share in the duties and that means right now. The time to spend with your loved one is now and not after they have no idea who you are or after they gone. If you do not spend time with them while they are alive, then you will have plenty of guilt after they are gone.
I travel with my mother and deal with her mobility issues on top of it, but let me tell you what. I have memories with my mom that my sisters will not have. I have been to about 10 or 12 countries and 30 states with my mom. I have made memories that no one can take from my mom or me.
So Scorpiogirl1102, as I said before you don't have to give up your life, but make some precious memories and take her on a trip with you. Do what is right and make some precious memories. Memories are priceless!
And for the record, yes I am angry at my sisters and those who have no idea what all goes into being a caregiver 24/7. If you have not been with your parent caring for them 24/7, then you do know what goes into. I am watching my mother change in front of my eyes daily. She can be different people throughout the day. My siblings don't see the changes because they are in denial and not her daily. They can't even call weekly.
So I am sorry if I sound harsh, but I am a 24/7 caregiver, I travel domestically and internationally with my mother, and I worked 4 part-time jobs. Also while working on my doctoral degree in Psychology. So we have a busy life, but when my mom's time is up, I will know that I did my best, I gave it my all and I will have memories that will last me a lifetime and that is something no one can take from me. I also won't have guilt over what I did or didn't do. I will be able to look myself in the mirror and say, "I did my best and I honored my father and mother."
I'm the solo caregiver of both of my disabled parents, while my brother carries on with a far more "normal" life than I could hope to have at any point in the near future. (full time job, hobbies that have him staying off in other states for weekends with his wife, kids and grandkids to play with and enjoy being with.)
It could be that she sees your fiance(e)'s actions as uncaring or unhelpful. I'm not saying that they are, but perhaps it would be better to ask if there is something specific she wants help with, rather than assume it's simply because you do not live there 24/7 with them? While her "going postal" isn't exactly appropriate, it is fairly understandable imo. Would it be possible to set up an actual 'visitation schedule'? Something so that the family knows for sure when you will be back in the states and near enough to visit with her?
She may be jealous of your lifestyles, being able to travel and not being saddled with the ongoing care of their mother. She may feel as though it is being pushed upon her rather than something she is willingly doing.
It also may be that she is frightened, and has no one to turn to for comfort that would understand. You say they were both abused by the parents, and honestly no one in the world could understand that situation better than her own brother, who was there with her.
Maybe having him, and him alone, without any outside interference, sit down and talk with her would help. (this means you and anyone else staying out of the room, and having both of them turn off any tv, cellphone or anything else). It might help her to know, from him, that he does care and that he is aware of what is going on, without having either of them 'acting out' for whoever else may be watching.
You state that both his father and an aunt are nearby in case his mother needs help? Does the sister live with them as well, or does she live across town? If she IS there, alone, with them during most of the day, there may be problems that you don't know about, or that others are taking care not to air in front of you and him.
Their mother may also be part of it. For example, while my brother and his wife actually live here in the same town, and he actually works about 2 miles from our house, it is rare that he actually comes to visit our parents. I've sat with my mom while she's cried over another missed visit or broken promise to 'stop by after work' from her only son, and I've had to be the one to hear her rages over him wanting to borrow money *again* when he can't even be bothered to come check on them more than once every month or two. It kills me, and as a result I've been known to let loose on both him and his wife over it. From my view of things, she may be ok NOW, but visiting her when she's already too far gone will be just about useless. Spending time with her *now*, while she's coherent and aware is better than waiting until she has almost no memory of him to start visiting and helping care for her. Perhaps that is why she is so upset? Maybe their mother cries to her about it, or maybe she yells at her over the fact that her son is so long between visits? Or maybe she doesn't really remember the visits at all, and that in itself can be a major stresser for a sibling or caregiver to deal with. (having to explain that yes, he has been there, and no he's not gone away forever.)
There is a fine line between our perception of a situation, and the reality of it. Maybe she is seeing this from a far different perspective than you or she may be a complete basketcase. Either way, the best thing to do would be to have him at least TRY to talk with her and see what is actually going on.
At this point, his sister does not have to provide care in anyway as his mother is not experiencing any severe symptoms. She just obviously has memory issues from time to time, and his father clearly does more for her now, but she is nowhere near needing constant supervision or extensive assistance--obviously I know that will change over time. The main problem with the sister is that she sees her mother as dying in this very moment and thinks my fiancee does not care.She has lived in the same town she grew up in her whole life and is very settled there; I know she has firm beliefs about what my fiancee should be doing, and understandably, she cannot see the perspective of the child who has made a life somewhere else and is no longer right around the corner. As for your thoughts about siblings sharing equal care, if everyone is close by, I think that is very important, unless there is some legitimate circumstance that they cannot.. But, for siblings that no longer live in the area, the idea that everyone should totally drop everything and move to where the parent is, is not something that I think should happen, unless the child really, truly wants to do that. There are many ways to provide assistance--obviously giving direct care is the most desirable since that falling on just one or two people is obviously very hard. If people as adults continue to live in an area that is close to their parents, clearly the pressure is going to be on for them and that sucks big time I am sure.
Clearly, it is a terminal illness but she may live another 10 years, possibly more. If we lived in New Jersey, I would no doubt participate actively in her care and do whatever I could within my own limits. But, that is no longer our home and we do not want to live there for various reasons, particularly that we really cannot afford to. He loves his mother, and so do I, and I think that it is important for children to make sure their parents are taken care of, but the idea that they should totally turn their lives over to the task is not something I agree with. Obviously, the degree of responsibility adult children have to their aging parents is a matter of hot debate. But, the argument that they took care of us as children means we must reciprocate just does not hold water for me as they are two completely different sets of circumstances. Our parents chose to have us and I do not see our birth as some sort of debt that needs to be paid, even to the point of totally uprooting our lives and having their care dictate every aspect of our existence. Checking in on mom and helping her out with stuff--no problem...providing extensive care to a seriously ill adult who is in decline is a whole different thing. Not feeling like you can handle this does not mean to me that you do not love your parent.
I don't know..this is just a very complicated situation for us since we no longer live there and we feel pressure to return. But, this is not just a few months to help recover from a surgery or terminal cancer with three months to live-- in these situations I would not even think twice about staying. This situation would require a complete change that can go on for years and years. A change that would put a huge strain on the relationship I value most in my life. Family is great in so many ways, but for the most part, has also been the biggest source of stress in my life as I am sure many of you can relate. Kudos to all of you doing this job..I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you.
Perhaps she is just incredibly jealous of you and your lifestyle? You are (obviously) close to her brother, and she may envy that relationship, (either with him if they were never close, or if she is single, envious of a healthy, stable, loving relationship of her own) as well as the freedom/ability to travel the world. Maybe she just feels like she got the short end of the stick and thinks shes "stuck" there with their mother? I'm not saying she IS (since she's not the primary caregiver) but she may be ... well, overreacting a bit? to the diagnosis.
Maybe he could try another route with her, if she seems to be stuck with the whole 'unloading' on him every time she emails. Have him send her a mail telling her that, while he understands her feelings, that it is not really fair to him (or you) for her to only contact him with so much negativity. Tell her that she is welcome to email to chat, or to update him on your mothers health, but that he will no longer read or reply to anything that is just ranting at him/blaming him for not being there 24/7.
Also (and it kills me to say this) it may be that she is simply a drama queen, and is using this as an excuse to project her fear, anger or other emotions onto her brother, and blaming him for having a better life, rather than using those emotions to make a change in her own.
I hope they can get things worked out, for their parents sake. Awkward family times in the middle of this can just be a pain in the rear.
Thank you for your input, but at this time, there is no ''care plan.'' She is living at home with her husband and is doing okay, save for some memory troubles. She is not requiring any sort of care at this moment. We have been as supportive as we can even though we were living far away. We call frequently and I am constantly doing research on diet, supplements and treatments that may help and sending it their way to see if any of it is something they are interested in trying. As time progresses and we are still living away from the area, we will do everything that we can to help from a distance. Or maybe we will even be living there again, who knows? At this point, however, returning to NJ permanently is not something we think we can do.
No problem..while I was typing one of my responses, I got several more messages that I did not get email notifications so I did not even know they were there. I am sure there is some jealousy on her part about our life..not necessarily the exact way we live it, but the idea of having greater freedom and doing what we love. She really hates her job and she has been in a relationship with the same person for a really long time. I do not know too much about it, but I know it has been tough at time with him having suffered from depression,etc...I know she has had her bouts too. My fiancee is a really positive person who worked really hard to change his life and perspective and in some ways, I think his family thinks he lives in some sort of fantasy land, but the fact is, he just sees things very differently. I cannot even begin to understand how she feels and I do not hold her anger against her. She just sees her mom as someone who is dying in this very moment and thinks he should be there, and seeing his absence as not caring. I know there are such heavy divisions on how adult children are supposed to respond to these issues and to what degree we are supposed to care for them on our own. If I were living in NJ, this would not even be an issue as I would be there for them without question, but my life is not there anymore.
His mother is in the *VERY* early stages, and his sister is *NOT* her caregiver. The sister emails the brother to complain about the brothers lifestyle and "lack of presence" around their mother, but from the sound of it, their mother nor father has a problem with it at this time. If the sister was the caregiver, it might be different. In THAT case, I could 1000% understand her side of things, but she isn't the caregiver, simple as that.
Also, I was under the impression this was a place to come, ask questions, *vent if needed* and basically be welcomed and helped, no matter what the problem with caregiving was.
Perhaps we need to move back to being that, rather than hastily judging a new member on one post asking for advice and help with a situation she is unfamiliar and uncomfortable with.
Just sayin'
And you bring up a good point about financials. I am finally starting to put money away for my future after being irresponsible with money for a long time, and the primary reason I have been able to do this is because of my choice to live abroad where cost of living is much lower. Living in NJ would definitely impede on my ability to save and finances are a big part of why we would not want to settle there. As far as her care, I would be happy to contribute to home care down the line or having a cleaning service come in if they no longer want to do that. His parents are not rich, but between pensions, social security, retirement, etc...they are not in any dire financial circumstances.
Down the line, who knows what will happen. But all I know is, at this time, she is doing well; no one is being forced to quit jobs to provide care; no one is having to provide any sort of ''caregiving'' at this time that is interfering with their own life. Even being there for the last two months, my fiancee made attempts to see his parents more than he ended up, but they did not seem interested in the company; they have always kind of been that way--they like privacy and just the two of them. Like you also mentioned, the lengths that some think adult children are expected to go to for caring for parents is just too much; I see the effects it is having on people here and something needs to be done.
BTW, there are as many ways and opinions to caregiver for spouses and parents as there are people on this forum.
I felt bad for going off on you about offering medical advice. I apologize if it was harsh, but after reading some of these other posts - Wow!!! I don't feel so bad.
You can see that your post pushed buttons in a lot of people, including me. Please try to ignore the emotions and listen to people telling you about their experiences. You sound open to doing what is needed when it is needed. I hear you expressing legitimate concern about what the present and the future will be like. I believe you and your fiancee will do what is right, whatever that turns out to be.
First, you have nothing to feel guilty about, even if MIL was in late stage Alzheimer's you have to look out for yourself first. Those of us who are primary caregivers have made a CHOICE to do so. No one forces us to rearrange our lives for our parents. We do it by choice. Most of us have parents who would be fine in a nursing home or group home if we weren't there. If anything the only ones to blame are ourselves for having to strong a sense of responsibility or to much guilt over not wanting to abandon them.
Yet is it abandoning? I know my parents brought me up to work hard, achieve, succeed and have a strong self worth. If anything they succeeded in spades. I have a great career and great plans for the future (someday when I'm not a caregiver). But this choice was mine.
Being single and childless and working for a national company with offices made it easy for me to move down here. But if I had no job lined up, no money, no hope of affording it, what would I have done? Probably not moved. This has been the hardest 13 years of my life, I love my folks yet I'm at my end (see my other post the other night that's almost suicidal). I made the CHOICE to be their caregiver at great personal cost, no life, no partner, no kids, lower income and I'm an emotional wreck.
How can I blame anyone for not making the same choice? The OP here knows what she is capable of, knows her finances, knows what she wants out of life and has a plan. Saying she is selfish or inconsiderate is way out of line in my book. I give her a lot of credit for knowing her limitations and sticking to them. It's people like me who try to do more then they're capable of who are really the screwed up ones because we end up frustrated wrecks.
I'm sure sister in law is panicking thinking how her "life will end" now that Mom is sick. Saying everyone should pack up and drop their lives and be there? That's real selfishness in my book.
TiredAZ
Thank you so much for your thoughts. I guess the crux of the issue is that we do not feel like making such a drastic change at this moment in time is necessary while his sister is thinking she is dying right now and our not being there means we do not care; by time more extensive care is needed, who knows...maybe we will be back in NJ, and if this is the case, there would be no question of providing assistance to a degree I feel capable of.
Do not worry Jinx...I know that most people here are primary caregivers and I cannot imagine the stress of that. And you are right, it would be annoying for people to tell you what you should be doing, which is why I never say anything. I just send over information that I find interesting and they can do what they will with it.
Ellen, you are right about keeping aware of everything that is happening. I understand his sister is dealing with a lot and I have a great deal of compassion. Unfortunately, she does not want to speak with us--I see she ''defriended'' me on Facebook, so we all know what that means,and her brother has reached out to her with no avail. While we can see her point of view, she cannot see ours at all and thinks that we are just ''wrong.''
TiredinAZ; The fact that you made that choice is admirable and I truly mean that. I see people on here give up everything to care for their parents and I cannot imagine the difficulty of it. I decided not to have children because I do not think I could handle it and this situation is leaps and bounds harder--how some see it as comparable is beyond me. I think assisted living and nursing homes are acceptable alternatives, particularly when such extensive care is required, thought I know that is not always an option for people financially.
Thank you all for your input..it really means a lot. I know my situation does not exactly evoke sympathy from many on here due to your extreme struggles, but the fact that so many can understand my concerns shows me what kind and wise people you are.