Female, only child caregivers of narcissistic Mothers.

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I am the only child of a narcissistic mother who is herself an only child. She has now been living with me for 17 months.This has now pushed me into having a therapist, a psychiatrist,antidepressants and antianxiety meds to be able to exist day to day with her.Would love to hear from other female only children of a narcissistic mother and hear how you are coping with your mother.

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Wow! I can't believe I started this thread 4 yrs. ago. I was in such a dark place then. I was so angry I didn't have siblings to share the "burden" of mother.This site really helped me thru a lot of dark emotional times, just knowing I wasn't alone in the things I thought helped so much. I was diagnosed with breast cancer this March and had a bilateral mastectomy and many rounds of Cytoxan and taxotere, thank you God I had finally put mother in an AL before this happened. I was diagnosed 3 months after I got her out of my house. I really believe the stress of having her under my roof for 4 years killed my immune system ,no history of breast cancer on either parents side, and also at the same time I was diagnosed with breast cancer the PET scan showed I have Hashimoto's thyroiditis which is basically your immune system has decided that your thyroid is a foreign body and is slowly destroying it. Well now she is on hospice,but mentally I am at a better place.The workers at the AL do a good job and I let them do their job. The first time I visited her at the AL she tried to put me to work,I stuck to my boundaries which is vital in dealing with a Narc. Told her I was their to visit as her daughter not go to work as a nurse and that was the day she learned to use the 4 call light cords in her apartment.Now she is a sick ,scared Narc but well taken care of. Actually visited with her today for 3 hours and it was a very pleasant visit considering her condition has now progressed to hospice. I no longer "curse" at God for not giving me siblings,from posts on here the grass isn't always greener on the sibling subject. I don't expect that all of a sudden she will be the mother I always wished I had had. That just isn't going to happen. But the relationship is better, communication more open and honest and I am starting to get a grip on the bone and soul crushing guilt a Narc mother can place in a only child's (daughter) soul. I have learned a lot about myself,I won't say I am wiser but I am more at peace. It's like in order to survive mentally/physically I had to move toward the chasm instead of away and did finally come out the other side,a little worse for wear. So , only daughters out there , you can have a life,but you have to be your own advocate. Getting therapy was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life.I even got rid of my cable (what a sacrifice lol) for a while to be able to pay for therapy.It was a good investment in me, and it also benefited my mother as it made me a better caregiver.Now I travel the hospice trail with her,my last living relative, I have no children and she was an only child. However, I have learned to start making my own social support system but it takes me being proactive and that is difficult for someone who is still shy at 58. There is life after mother.
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"When I was very young they preferred homemade cards. I think the year I made a card that said, "you always say you're older than dirt. You like to take naps...(Inside) you're one year closer to the big dirt nap. Happy birthday!" was the year they told me I could only get them christian cards. "

Hahaha!!! Big Dirt Nap!
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When I was very young they preferred homemade cards. I think the year I made a card that said, "you always say you're older than dirt. You like to take naps...(Inside) you're one year closer to the big dirt nap. Happy birthday!" was the year they told me I could only get them christian cards.

I do understand the truth trait. I spent years my teen years agonizing to the point of nausea until I decided to create a blubberfest. I rationalized it down to "if my truth didn't matter, neither did theirs."

I think those cards would fly off the shelf. I've often thought I needed to start a hellmark or truth bites card company : )
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I understand that. But somehow I got this trait to always have to be truthful. Picking out cards can be so hard. A great card would be "You weren't the best parent, but I need to get you a card, so this is it." It would have a picture of a silly chicken or something on it and the inside would be blank. Wonder how many of these cards would sell in a year. We might be surprised if they flew off the shelf. :D
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As the only child of two narcissists, I as doubly “blessed.” My parents wanted a being they could direct and command - no autonomy, and they would “whip me into shape until I “fell in line.”

So I rebelled in my own seemingly compliant ways. Cards were ever so important to them, and they liked overly religious “I give god praise for giving me the best parents, blah, blah, blah;” I adored humor. At a very young age, they sat me down and forbade me buying them humorous cards. They “would accept christian cards and not getting them cards was not an option.”

Every holiday, I picked out the biggest tear jerking cards I could find. And as they read them, soft eyed, blubbering, I held back a tiny smile of satisfaction knowing I could control their tears with meaningless words.

Just rereading that sounds awful, but when you’re a child of narcissists, you take control where you can. Ah, the little pleasures...
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I ran across a useful article today online -- Why are some mothers so cruel to their daughters. It is an eye opener and lets us know that we're not alone if we have parents that are not so good. I wish I'd run across this type of writing when I was growing up. I'm afraid that we get caught up in the myth of the good parent and feel uncomfortable when people start talking about anything outside the myth.

I know what it means about picking mother's day or father's day card. I pick one up and it says "Thanks to the most wonderful mother in the world. You made my life sunshine and lollipops. Smoochy. Love. Love." Back in the rack it goes like a thing most shocking. I wish they would make some realistic cards that said things like "Dad, you always brought home the bacon" or "Mom, you always set a good table." Positive, but not insincere.
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KatieKate,,,,good on you for taking his cane away. I just found the old razor strop our narc dad used to beat us with...buckle end, of course. I could not just throw it away....waiting to burn in yard with gallon of gasoline I guess.

We all need to learn to rise above and be strong...no use wishing we had different parents....only the future to make better!!
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KatieKate, you go girl! 👍🏼 (((hugs)))
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When I first came to Colorado to help my Mom (Dad was the one in worse shape), I found two people who could not do even basic things for themselves!

But...my Dad started right in on me ... like he thought he was still dealing with a little kid he could abuse! He took his cane to me!!

I took it away from him and assured him if he ever tried to hit me again I would use his own cane on him! Made it clear to him..I was there for Mom. I don't need him, but he needs me. Never again would he abuse me..never

He spent the rest of his days complaining about me...muttering under his breathe whenever he was in the same room with me....but never tried to hit me.

It is so empowering to do that! I know he had serious mental illness in those final years...but, for my own mental health, standing up to him like that freed me from those years in my childhood dealing with him!
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*nods in recognition*

In a way I'm lucky in that my mother likes things her own way to the degree she does...she knows she'd have to have input from me if she asked to move in with me. I think that's what's stopping her.
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