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I'm sitting here in a hospital waiting area alone while my mother is having surgery to remove a malignant tumor. She was so sad last night because neither sibling called to check in and say love you mom or im praying for you. I think she was near tears. Im having one of those days (like many of us have frequently) where i cant believe how much they dont care. This sadness feels like an elephant sitting on my chest. So much bad karma...

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One of my MIL's sons never called her or visited her even once after her husband (their dad!) died last year. The entire year passed away and he never spoke to his mother - not even once. She had 2 really good days about 2 weeks before she died. I would call people for her and she was in the present and just loved chatting with them. She hadn't been able to make phone calls for months so the people we called were touched and excited.

The son who never bothered to visit or call even once? He didn't bother to answer his phone when I called him during those two days.
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4Frantz I'm sorry to hear about your mom. You might ask her oncologist about an amount of "palliative care" radiation for her cancer. My dad had lung cancer and the doc wanted him to do daily radiation for six weeks (dad was 92 at the time). That amount of treatment was more to try to stop its growth. I said no way, but we did two weeks so that it would shrink the tumor enough that he'd be comfortable for his remaining time. He was able to get through it OK and didn't have many side effects, other than some burned skin weeks after the radiation had stopped. Something like that might work for your mom, depending on the kind of cancer she has.
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I'm glad your Mom's in good spirits..Decisions about her treatments is something I would not want to deal with, I wish you luck... My sibs well...............

I'm the youngest of 7.. Mom moved in with me after my Dad died 12 yrs. ago.. We had a family meeting and everyone said "oh we'll help out"... BS...Mom was 79yrs when she moved in with me, things were easier for her then , she is now 91 with dementia, cardio, hearing loss, glaucoma....
2 of my siblings live out of state and did before my Mom moved in (I'll give them a pass, but they don't call) My oldest Sis lives 20 min. away and has seen Mom 2 since Xmas (no phone calls), she has a vacation home and has been on many island vacations,She is retired and has plenty of time., My 1 brother lives in the same town and has seen Mom 1 time since last October that was because (both times were wedding & party).He's retired and has plenty of free time.Also likes to take his 2 week Island vacations.. He hasn't been here since I can't even remember.. He did call her on her birthday in May, but before that it was probably a year ago. My other brother also live 20 minutes away and saw 3 times since Xmas but no phone calls.He is also busy with spending time at his vacation home..My other Sis comes weekly to take her to Mass and visits during the week so i can go out and get errands done by myself... Other than my 1 helpful Sis , the others do not call me either. Not even to ask about Mom

There is no reason for them not visiting or calling.. We had a great family life nothing bad... They are just selfish and "out of sight out of mind"

I have a tattoo on my forehead that says 'SUCKER"....
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You guys are TOO funny. Sib-bashing? I bet if we started sharing these stories, we wouldn't run out of material for YEARS. Here goes: My younger sib, who lives about 3 hours away, calls Mom frequently and is very wealthy. He's told me, time and again, to remember the guilt he feels over not being here to help and I should ask him for ANYTHING we need. He'll just write the checks - any amount. Pretty sweet! He also keeps up to date on Mom stuff better than the other sib. His spouse loathes my Mom and my sib will TELL her that. She resents that my mother is not dead when her own mother died too young. He has no edit button. (there are some things you can keep to yourself to spare someone else's feelings). They resently celebrated a marriage milestone and had a big celebration that he was so sorry he couldn't include his Mother in because it would ruin his wife's day. Wha??

The older sib...well what can I say. She was really good after Dad passed. She did all lots of really good things for Mom. About 3 years ago, it just goes downhill. Now she takes Mom for dinner once every other week and occasionally gets her for church on Sundays. She doesn't take Mom to any appointments (except the Mammo and followup recently that found her cancer). She's so short with Mom when she's around her and will often spend the whole visit on the phone while Mom sits and waits for her time. Once when I went out of town and Mom's day aid couldn't be there, I asked them to pick her up and keep her for the day. They agreed. On a whim, I called Mom's house midmorning and she was still there. Mom's not supposed to be alone all day anymore. She'll sleep and not take her meds and not eat right. When I talked to sib, she said Mom would be okay for one day. Not according to her doctor. She doesn't get it. I'm sure after Mom's gone, I won't have any contact with her at all. You know there's more to these stories. It's hard to try and fit all the boring details!

I'm not without faults but we try to treat Mom like a queen and like our baby all at the same time. Even though she may not understand the whole conversation, we sit with her at night, in the moment, talk and laugh with the kids and enjoy her being there with us. Mom's with me 2/3s of the month and has her own room here. I have awesome aids that help when she's here while I work.

Mom's procedure was on Friday. We went on Monday to see the doctor for a post-op check and she's healing nicely. She's barely in any discomfort, in good spirits, eating well and sleeping good too. The pathology results after the surgery were not what we wanted to hear. This type of cancer will only respond to radiation and she's too old for chemo. Even though the doctor knows Mom's wishes, she asked me to encourage Mom to take this treatment. Mom's been very much against these treatments after watching my Dad suffer during treatment and not enjoy the last days of his life when he could. That's my fault really. He asked me what "I" wanted him to do when he got his dx, and I voted for try everything instead of quality of life. I can't do that again. Mom's considering the treatment and we go to see the doctor in a few weeks.
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sometimes a parent will choose the kid they trust the most and kinda shut the others out a bit. they may communicate with them but they keep them at a healthy arms length emotionally. my mom has always done battle with my 2 sisters. i think they always competed for dads attention. i cant imagine why, he was an arrogant tyrant.
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While there is discussion for funniest things parent said or did, we don't have one for posting smack about non- caregiving siblings, or do we? Maybe we need one😉
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Is Mom on the mend? I'm ready to talk smack about my worthless siblings...
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You may be like me and wonder how your siblings grew up in the same home you did and heard the same messages growing up and yet turned out so differently than you did. That's what I used to wonder, but I gave it up and accepted the reality that is.

I'm with your friends and forum buddies - you're only making yourself sad and angry to try to interest your siblings in your mom's care. Post for yourself but don't expect them to take an interest. Look to friends and other caregivers to understand that you've done a good job. Once you let go of the expectations for your siblings, you'll be much happier - I know it worked that way for me.
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Well friends, like it couldn't get worse. In an effort to keep the sibs informed about Mom's daily care and schedule, I started using this awesome site a few weeks ago that has a calendar and message board. I invited sibs and my eldest child and my eldest niece to be members because I had their email addresses. My oldest sib (the one with the power to turn good into evil) said her and her hubby and very busy and don't have time to read this stuff and if there is something she should know, I should text or phone her. Interpretation: I don't care what what's going on with our mother and I don't have time to read it. She was also offended I didn't ask her other child to join. Clearly on the announcement page of the site it says feel free to invite members and as an admin she had the power to add the child herself. I've had close friends tell me to stop providing updates period and my forum buddies posts seem to say the same. In response to her saying how busy they are (I'm busy too taking care of Mom but making the time to inform them), I said, "check back whenever you have time. I post almost daily." The posts are a good way for me to know I did my best to provide opportunities for them to know what's happening. Why do I even care?
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My heart and thoughts are with you and your Mom today..You are lucky to have each other, that's really all that matters..
PS: When your Mom is out of the hospital and feeling better, we can talk smack about our worthless, selfish siblings LOL..
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I pray you and your mom are comforted during this time. It is so painful when siblings ignore their parents out of their own selfishness. I understand. I really do. I've cried many times with the lack of concern and care for my Mom now in a NH... and my father who passed. Our siblings will live with their decision and may never accept responsibility for their negligence.

Peace, peace and more peace and love to you and your Mom.
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At least your mom has you. And she's lucky to have you! I ask my brother (who lives in another state) to call my mom once a week (for about five minutes or less) so I can take a one day break. Unless I email him to remind him, he forgets to call. So you're not alone to have siblings who don't do their part.

But I finally accepted that my relationship between my mom isn't my brother's. That's between my mom and my brother. I'm not responsible. So let it go if you can, it doesn't help you or your mom to be angry about it. Save your strength for her surgery. Good luck!
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