Feeling resentful toward my parents.

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I am finding myself feeling resentment towards my father. He is 91 on dialysis three times per week and totally wheelchair bound. He and my mother still live in their own home, she has dementia. The situation is terrible. He had a chance to go to a VA nursing home in August and absolutely refused and caused a terrible scene and so did my mother. They both said some terrible things. Now things have progressed and my sister and I are picking up the slack. I am 61 she is 66, I work fulltime. My parents did not plan for their future and there is very little money to pay for caregivers. He does get the VA pension if it wasn't for that we could do nothing. He didn't even know he could get it, I filled out the papers and my sister took everything down and submitted it and thank goodness he got it a year ago. Yes, I resent him terribly for being so very selfish.


I bet they "don't want to be a burden." I heard that from my mom when her decisions made my life about six times as hard as it needed to be :-)
They will tell you they spent their fortune raising you kids. As you can see, you can't force them to do anything. You have to wait until one of them ends up in the hospital. At that point you tell the discharge planner there is no one left at home to care for them, and move them to a NH at that point. This is a nerve-wracking position to be in. Ask their doctor if they qualify for visiting nurses at the very least.
You could call adult protection services to do a well fair check on them..
Do you have to take him to dialysis? It is very demanding. It would be hard not to feel resentment. We are only human. Have you checked with the VA about money they have to pay for caregiving services? If you father is low income, he may qualify for $2000 a month to pay for caregiving services. I don't know how much you and your sister do for him, but I wondered if the money might help in hiring someone to share the load.
JessieBelle, yes we do have to take him to dialysis. The caregiver does that most of the time, but when she can't come it does fall on us. He does receive the VA pension and we are so very thankful. But caregiving is so expensive the average is $16 to $18 per hour and that eats it up very quickly. It is getting harder and harder to get him in the vehicle too because he has no use of his legs now, we have to totally life him (180 lbs) in and out of the wheelchair, on and off of the potty. He is #27 on the list at the VA home now and he is going no matter what this time.
if you did not take him to dialysis at all that would change things very quickly.
oops, not in that kind of sentiment...
I am just thinking that if he was not taken, they could call a taxi, in an emergency would he just end up at the va anyway?
my mom fell, ended up at the hospital, and they did send her to a nursing home for rehabilitation...
if it would be possible to maneuver it so he would end up at the va.. that is all.
lauraneida, there are times I also feel resentment toward my parents even thought what I do is just be their driver, at this point in time. My parents never needed to care for their aging parents so they aren't in tune what is required. And they, too, are still in their single family home.

They think that since they were driving me around as a child, I should do the same for them. But they fail to understand that they weren't in their late 60's when I was a child.... big difference when you are in your 20's and 30's.

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