Feeling resentful.

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I'm taking care of grandparents, i see cousins post pictures of vacations, talking about everything they get to do. I hear uncles talk about the exciting things in their lives, see their new toys.. and I'm here spending my time and money taking care of grandma and grandpa, and they all keep calling me telling me what they think should be done. I'm starting to resent them. I haven't talked to anyone about how i feel because i feel childish for feeling resentful, and guilty because of how i feel. One cousin is off for a weekend with her friends, she does this twice a year.. leaves her kids to go hang out with a friends, stay in hotels, and go shopping... she also calls me and tells me what she thinks should be done with grandma because she seems to think that she is in charge of everything... I have had one day off in a few months.. and it was because my grandmothers sister and and brother in law came down to help. and I i was running a fever so i asked them to help grandma with everything. Everyone lives an hour or more away, i live 2 miles from grandma.. so of course i am the one here to help, and i don't resent my grandparents at all.. But every time someone calls and starts telling me what to do.. i feel like crying and screaming at them. Are these feelings normal, what would you do in my situation... keep in mind i have 6 kids and my husband works out of town a lot.

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Christine, your mom, her sibs and the rest of the clan have things the way they like it - you provide the work, they offer comments while going about their lives. Unless you make changes, the changes won't happen. You're already stressed and your health is suffering - this will only increase as your kids need you more and your grandparents need more help as well.

FF's suggestion to give them a deadline is a sound one. That gives them a couple months to get a plan together and for you to be able to transition. It's really ok to tell your mom and her sibs that this is their responsibility and you can no longer continue. Will it cause drama in the family? Probably - if your family is like mine, lots of it. But in my experience, continuing the "go along to get along" just creates a much bigger mess later.
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So do your grandparents have 5 children? And no one can help. Amazing
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Amen to freqflyer. Your mother needs to step it up. Good for her she is furthering her education, but you have 6 children who I am sure need all of your attention. Your mother, aunts and uncles are responsible for their parents not you. I am sure they are "not available" due to the fact that you are. I just don't know how you do it all.

How are you handling all of this responsibility? How can they be so selfish as to expect you to do all of the caregiving and criticize you on top of it all. This really is not fair to your children. Someone has to come up short. If for no other reason tell them you have too many children to be a full time caregiver to your grandparents and they have to "man it up".
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christenejara, your Mom is furthering her education, yet she wants you to be her parents Caregiver even though you have 6 children who are furthering their education with your help. What is wrong with this picture?
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My mom is currently attending college in another state. 4 uncles live in other states, one is 3 hours away, and one is currently only one hour away but has a heat condition and is in no physical state to care for anyone.
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Christine, first off, if you are there "on the ground" you need to have POA. It sounds as though you may need to file for Medicaid soon. Talk to the social worker at the nh about that.

With regard to the buzzing, yes, send an email. It should be polite but firm. People are allowed to have opinions and you are free to ignore them. I'm curious what the aunts think that grandpa doesn't need to know. I know that when my mom got to a certain age, I stopped telling her things in detail that were up in the air" such as a loved one having a medical test or procedure that we didn't know the outcome of yet. This is not hiding things, it's just waiting until you have a complete story.

To be a caregiver, you have to let some stuff roll off your back. Do go see your doc and explain the stress you're under. Take care of your health and make sure that your children are getting what they need. And yes, I wonder why your parents/and their siblings aren't doing more to help in this scenario.
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christenejara, just curious why your Mom isn't caring for her own parents since she is only 50 and very healthy? Rarely does one hear that a grandchild is the main Caregiver. Good heavens, you already have a very full plate with your own household, and doing much of that on your own. I would have packed my bags and ran away from home by now.

After 6 years I finally had to put my foot down late week, should have done it years ago... my parents are in their 90's and still living independently alone in their own home.... I live in the same subdivision. What I do isn't that much compared to those who have a parent or grandparent or spouse living at home... but for me it was very stressful and mentally exhausting. I'm on only child so there isn't anyone buzzing in my ear, except occasionally my sig other.
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You have every right to feel angry, at yourself! Yes, you do have to put your foot down or else you will have everyone elses feet all over you....it is called being a doormat. We set boundaries to protect ourselves, our families and our homes.
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freqflyer,

grandpa is 85 and grandma is 86. At the rate that grandma is sneaking sweets she may not be around much longer.. and at how quickly her mental health is declining... i'm afraid she may have to be in the local nursing home before winter over.

I won't take on another relative.. unless it was my mom or inlaws, but both are still in their early 50's and very healthy.

Did you have to put your foot down with family? Did it cause fueds or fights? I'm usually very quiet and reserved. I hardly speak without taking great consideration as to what i am going to say and the impact it will have. I have decided to send one email to everyone laying down rules..... I am still carefully thinking about what those rules should be... i don't want to start a fight, but your right, if they think they can do better, they better move their happy butts down here and prove it. I guess i need to stop thinking about everyone else feelings and just worry about mine, my kids, and my grandparents at this point.
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christenejara, if you want to continue to keep being a Caregiver for your grandparents, you need to tell the other relatives that you are too busy for that nonsense. If they want to make changes on how things are, they need to physically come into town and help you out.

How old are your grandparents, how long has you been caring for them? Your grandparents could be around for another 10 years. I don't want you to be a revolving door, meaning when your grandparents pass on, that your grandmother's sister moved in, or one of your aunts/uncles, because you have experience caring for the elderly.
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