Feeling paralyzed inside with a depressed fear.
It's New Year's Eve and I woke up this morning and didn't even want to get out of bed. We received word last night that my aunt has been in the hospital in serious condition. She is home now and with hospice. It does not look good for her. She is in much pain, so they are giving her morphine and other help to ease her pain. She has a wonderful daughter caregiver -- God bless her. I wish I could be there to help.
This has hit me hard, probably because it is on the heels on talking to my friend in Texas who went into cardiac arrest. They revived her, but she is still very weak. I wish I could be there with her.
Both of my pet rabbits are ailing. One is old and needs a lot of help. The other has a neurological disease that I am trying to treat, but it is not curable. Being handicapped, they are very messy, which makes it hard to keep things clean. I spend a lot of time each day on keeping them up.
I have really not dealt with my father dying last spring. It was a long death over several months, so took a lot out of us. I guess everything is building up and I just want to yell "Quit dying!" Silly, I know, and very narcissistic that I should consider the effects that all this is having on me. I want to wake up without this feeling of dread in me. I want to enjoy life again without seeing everything around me sick and dying. It is very frightening and depressing.
Sorry for the negative New Year's discussion, but I'm feeling a bit better after writing it. Sometimes I think things are too much for one person. It would be nice to have a Walton-like family.
Jessie, nine months after a death, the feeling often come back fiercely. This may be part if what is happening to you over your father's death. You have and are suffering a lot of loss - financial, your pets, huge change in lifestyle, your friend, personal freedom, and your mum is declining too. Do you have any ideas of what you will do once your mum is gone? Do you have goals, plans for yourself for the rest of your life? Maybe you could do something that works towards your future life?
I would say you have suffered multiple loss, and that takes a while to work through. You need to grieve each loss. Attending a grief group might help you to move on, and process the feelings of loss you are having.
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) to you. Such big changes one after another. My heart goes out to you.
Man, no wonder I feel like I do after going through the checklist. I do need to find something positive to balance all this negative. I am fortunate that my mother can be left alone for a few hours at a time. I do have some windows of opportunity. I guess I'll just have to figure out what to do to get past this feeling.