Feeling paralyzed inside with a depressed fear.

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It's New Year's Eve and I woke up this morning and didn't even want to get out of bed. We received word last night that my aunt has been in the hospital in serious condition. She is home now and with hospice. It does not look good for her. She is in much pain, so they are giving her morphine and other help to ease her pain. She has a wonderful daughter caregiver -- God bless her. I wish I could be there to help.

This has hit me hard, probably because it is on the heels on talking to my friend in Texas who went into cardiac arrest. They revived her, but she is still very weak. I wish I could be there with her.

Both of my pet rabbits are ailing. One is old and needs a lot of help. The other has a neurological disease that I am trying to treat, but it is not curable. Being handicapped, they are very messy, which makes it hard to keep things clean. I spend a lot of time each day on keeping them up.

I have really not dealt with my father dying last spring. It was a long death over several months, so took a lot out of us. I guess everything is building up and I just want to yell "Quit dying!" Silly, I know, and very narcissistic that I should consider the effects that all this is having on me. I want to wake up without this feeling of dread in me. I want to enjoy life again without seeing everything around me sick and dying. It is very frightening and depressing.

Sorry for the negative New Year's discussion, but I'm feeling a bit better after writing it. Sometimes I think things are too much for one person. It would be nice to have a Walton-like family.


Jessiebelle, when was the last time you were happy and looking forward to a new year? I was wondering if whatever was happening during that time you could get back to. Were you working? Socializing more? Volunteering your time somewhere or to someone? Were you more physically active maybe? Were you going to or active in your church more? I realize you've had some set backs with people you care about being sick and/or dying though. I think when we are going along at a 'normal' or happy frame of mind, that when these things come into our lives we're better able to deal with them and move forward. So that's why the question, what is different NOW as opposed to when you were last looking forward to a new year. Anyway, that's what crossed through my older but not necessarily wiser mind. ha
Nancy, I thought about it, but I really can't pick out any one thing. I guess you could say my happiest times were when I lived in my own house with my husband and a couple of healthy rabbits. Now it has changed to living in someone else's house, divorced, with sick people and rabbits. I used to be able to just get up and go. It is not so easy anymore. Loss of freedom is not so bad, but the stress of sickness all around is wearing. And business was terrible this Christmas season, so I'm seeing my personal resources shrinking. I'll probably have to dip into retirement savings to carry me through next year.

Man, no wonder I feel like I do after going through the checklist. I do need to find something positive to balance all this negative. I am fortunate that my mother can be left alone for a few hours at a time. I do have some windows of opportunity. I guess I'll just have to figure out what to do to get past this feeling.
(((((((((jessie))))))) I don't wonder that you are feeling trapped and depressed. You are trapped to an extent, though I am glad to hear that you can take a few hours a day to yourself, and I hope you can find something to fill those hours that builds you up . Could you find something where you have contact with a new group of people who are living more "normal" lives? I am sorry about your pets. It is always hard to see our "furbabies" sick and on their way out. I suppose, as well, they are part of your happier memories when you were married, and in your own house. It takes years to recover from a divorce - it is a huge loss. I understand you feelings about your friend as I have a friend of over 40 years who is facing a second mastectomy. I feel like I am slowly losing her. Your friend has had a very seriious health crisis, and you could lose her suddenly. I would like to be there for my friend too, but I don't think I can. Losing her would leave a huge hole in my life.
Jessie, nine months after a death, the feeling often come back fiercely. This may be part if what is happening to you over your father's death. You have and are suffering a lot of loss - financial, your pets, huge change in lifestyle, your friend, personal freedom, and your mum is declining too. Do you have any ideas of what you will do once your mum is gone? Do you have goals, plans for yourself for the rest of your life? Maybe you could do something that works towards your future life?
I would say you have suffered multiple loss, and that takes a while to work through. You need to grieve each loss. Attending a grief group might help you to move on, and process the feelings of loss you are having.
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) to you. Such big changes one after another. My heart goes out to you.

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