My parents moved from the north 3 years ago. Dadwas diagnosed with alzhiemer parkinsons. Mom has had a pacemaker and catarac surgery. I retired from teaching in June. This has been the longest 3 months of my life. I am there at 7:30 am and 7:30 pm every day to get my dad up and in bed at night. My husband takes him on Sat. And I take my Mom to run errands or fun stuff. I have no time to myself let alone spending time with my husband. We also have my daughter, son in law and grandson living with us. Life is very hectic. Mom refuses to have people in to help, has not finished filling out the Vet paper work and is in denial a lot of the time. She is forgetting a lot herself. I also have a sister who doesn't seem to care as they are now south with us. They visit once a year for 3 days. I am upset, and frustrated and don' t know where to go from here. Talking to my Mom is not an option as I have been made to feel this is my responsibility.
I know this is the "official" type of answer we all hate to hear, as I hated to hear all of the time, but its true. You must take care of yourself to be able to take care of Mom and Dad before you end up in the hospital yourself!!
To me, Mom shouldn't have a say on whether or not she needs outside help. She doesn't realize she needs it desperately, or knows it and can't accept it because she feels that she's lost control [which is normal on her part] but in fact she does and you know she does....you must just do it without asking her. My Mom didn't like it at first too, but I knew that she needed it and just TOLD her that a CG is coming over today and 4x a week to help me out. She couldn't do anything about it, I made the decision and kept to it. It didn't matter how much she complained or argued, I knew that I made the right decision. Talking to Mom and asking her about it would and is useless, you already know what her answers will be. Give her no outlet to argue and complain-take charge, you are the boss, you are the responsible one as you said. Now-act like the boss and do what is right for her and YOU. I knew my Mom would be taken care of perfectly well while I go out and do household errands shopping, or just time to paint your nails, or go into another room and read, etc....The CG doesn't have to be there just because you have to go out either. She can be there just because you need the rest in another room, sleep, watch TV, whatevers. Too bad if she doesn't like it, but it can/will save her, and your life. Since sister is useless, take the initiative and get outside help--caregivers, SW, anything to give you the help and break you desperately need. I do not want to hear that you ended up in hospital because of all of the unecessary stress that you are going thru. And it ain't going to get any better either. God Bless you with His Peace, His Wisdom, His Comfort, His Care.....
It looks like they don't live with you, but near you? That was my situation.
If you can't fill out the VA paperwork with your mother, there are Veteran Administration Representatives that will help her do that. I've done that paperwork when my husband was diagnosised with dementia and it is very long and maybe too over whelming for her. I know it was for me! The VA also has social workers that can find out what other things your father might be eligible for. Such as a 24 hour day care that people can use if they want a vacation or if they have to have a medical procedure and can't care for their family member. I think they can be there up to 14days once a year. Also there's respite programs out there, if he is not on Medicare/medicaid, that will pay for daycare or homecompanion for several hours a day so you can have some time off. It really makes a difference! Good Luck.