Feeling Guilty & Angry.

Started by

My parents moved from the north 3 years ago. Dadwas diagnosed with alzhiemer parkinsons. Mom has had a pacemaker and catarac surgery. I retired from teaching in June. This has been the longest 3 months of my life. I am there at 7:30 am and 7:30 pm every day to get my dad up and in bed at night. My husband takes him on Sat. And I take my Mom to run errands or fun stuff. I have no time to myself let alone spending time with my husband. We also have my daughter, son in law and grandson living with us. Life is very hectic. Mom refuses to have people in to help, has not finished filling out the Vet paper work and is in denial a lot of the time. She is forgetting a lot herself. I also have a sister who doesn't seem to care as they are now south with us. They visit once a year for 3 days. I am upset, and frustrated and don' t know where to go from here. Talking to my Mom is not an option as I have been made to feel this is my responsibility.

10 Comments

I keep having to be reminded that sometimes you just have to be the adult and make good decisions that may not make everyone happy...ie..getting help for you and your parents. Talk to their doctor about home health services and get the ball rolling for help in taking care of your parents. You think you are worn out now; in another 3 months you will be physically ill! If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be of any help to your family. Good luck!
I can commiserate with the guilt. I will definitely agree with the above poster that you have GOT to get help or you'll collapse. Don't be afraid to guilt your sister somewhat about your mother if it is really serious, this is her mother too. Is your mother on Medicare/Medicaid? You may have to fill out the papers yourself if your parents don't; I've done that for my mother more than once.
3 months? I, as many have been doing this for years. If you are burnt out now after 3months, get your mom in gear with that VA, it only gets harder. As littleonway said, you can end up physically I'll. I ended up in hospital and almost died because of lack of self care because of burnout. But I'm still trudging on. Aged so much a few people thought my best friend was my daughter-we are 3 years apart. RUN............I still do it because Iove my mom so much and I can't upset her life at this point.
Thank you all. It hs been tough. I am going on 5 years but 24/7 the past z3months.
It's been a while since I have been here,just want to say that I've miss my friends,I have had a very hard and sad year, ,but m still hanging in,,johnnycare
My dad had a stroke on Feb 7, 2007. He never spoke again. Before passing on May 28, 2008 he had 3 amputations. I moved he and my mom closer to my home and took care of him, with help from CarePartners. My mom was able to assist somewhat. I fed them, cleaned my dad, gave him injections, moved him everywhere with a Hoyer lift and wheelchair. After his passing, my mother moved in with me. That was almost 6 years ago. I knew she drank and it increased with my dad's condition, but it never stopped. She has been diagnosed with alcoholic dementia, so now I have 2 patients in one, an alcoholic and one with dementia. I have so much anger because I blame her for the dementia due to alcohol and that she should have been able to help herself. I feel now that all I do is yell at her and I hate myself and her for that. I am so tired of being a babysitter. I have a brother in name only. Has never helped. I guess I am angry with everyone.
I don't think there's any amount of guilt you can give your sister if she don't want to help. I was in that situation with my mother-in-law some years back. I was her main caregiver because she had moved next to us. She had two other children and any asking for any help only brought on screaming matches.
It looks like they don't live with you, but near you? That was my situation.

If you can't fill out the VA paperwork with your mother, there are Veteran Administration Representatives that will help her do that. I've done that paperwork when my husband was diagnosised with dementia and it is very long and maybe too over whelming for her. I know it was for me! The VA also has social workers that can find out what other things your father might be eligible for. Such as a 24 hour day care that people can use if they want a vacation or if they have to have a medical procedure and can't care for their family member. I think they can be there up to 14days once a year. Also there's respite programs out there, if he is not on Medicare/medicaid, that will pay for daycare or homecompanion for several hours a day so you can have some time off. It really makes a difference! Good Luck.
You HAVE to find some help, whether your mom likes it or not. Find an elder care attorney to help you legally. Look for a service that will provide in home care or find a retirement center with assisted living/nursing home care. Find a service that will come in and clean weekly. Do you/they belong to a church with folks that might help with errands or respite? Are there any adult day cares in your area that could help with your dad? You won't be able to guilt your sister into anything she doesn't want to help with. And you can't help your parents if you get burned out or ill. You also deserve to spend time for yourself and with your grand baby. Sending blessings your way.
Dear NanaKathy,
I know this is the "official" type of answer we all hate to hear, as I hated to hear all of the time, but its true. You must take care of yourself to be able to take care of Mom and Dad before you end up in the hospital yourself!!
To me, Mom shouldn't have a say on whether or not she needs outside help. She doesn't realize she needs it desperately, or knows it and can't accept it because she feels that she's lost control [which is normal on her part] but in fact she does and you know she does....you must just do it without asking her. My Mom didn't like it at first too, but I knew that she needed it and just TOLD her that a CG is coming over today and 4x a week to help me out. She couldn't do anything about it, I made the decision and kept to it. It didn't matter how much she complained or argued, I knew that I made the right decision. Talking to Mom and asking her about it would and is useless, you already know what her answers will be. Give her no outlet to argue and complain-take charge, you are the boss, you are the responsible one as you said. Now-act like the boss and do what is right for her and YOU. I knew my Mom would be taken care of perfectly well while I go out and do household errands shopping, or just time to paint your nails, or go into another room and read, etc....The CG doesn't have to be there just because you have to go out either. She can be there just because you need the rest in another room, sleep, watch TV, whatevers. Too bad if she doesn't like it, but it can/will save her, and your life. Since sister is useless, take the initiative and get outside help--caregivers, SW, anything to give you the help and break you desperately need. I do not want to hear that you ended up in hospital because of all of the unecessary stress that you are going thru. And it ain't going to get any better either. God Bless you with His Peace, His Wisdom, His Comfort, His Care.....
Do get help from the VA!!! I work with a wonderful group of people to help my significant other. He had a stroke and become fully disabled. We get a home health aid, Depends, gloves etc. The social worker, nutritionist, I also get respite days, Don't delay getting help even if your mother objects. In the long run it will benefit her.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support