Feeling Guilty and Confused.

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My mom came to live with us in Feb 2011 after falling at home and being their alone for twenty four hours before being found. Heres the story My husband had a Discogram the year before it was in August By November he was getting very ill everyone thought he just needed surgery on his back well he actually had a fever and an infection lost his abilty to walk finnally his doctor believed their was something really wrong and did a mri put him in the hospital that day and did surgery that same day he stayed their for a month the day he came home ( on a strecher still unable to walk ) we found mom under the bed so their it was husband bedriden and mom in the hospital well she recovered some what and refused to go into a nursing home I got though it taking care of the both of them somehow now a year and half later mom had a stroke her left side paralized she went into a Nh for rehab and after three weeks she is able to take a few steps with the help of two theripists she cannot dress herself go to the bathroom (wearing a diaper ) she needs assistantance with everything she does on the Other hand husband is still very bad from his back he is waiting for his third surgery me on the other hand have a screwed up back and parkinsons. went to see mom yesterday she is very angry blood pressure up she says she wants to be taken care of what she wants is to comeback and have us hire a lady to come in and take care of her well she needs twenty four hour care and that means hiring someone to come live with us . we dont have that kind of room would have to put mom in frontroom so lady could have a room also have to hire a nother person to come when lady is off we looked into it 260.00 dollars a day we dont have that kind of money unless we sell the house then theirs no house for lady .so we called a senor advocate who came and showed us places were mom could go and be taken care off we found a house really close by they take care of six patients with two caregivers twenty four hours a day seven days a week the place feels lke a home she has a room her bathroom adjoined to her room home cooked meals they arange everything transportation to the doc whatever she needs and its all ladies their around her age the place is perfect and close by so we could vist daily and affordable.the problem is shes still not happy and still insists on coming home she woulnt be able to get in the house unless someone carried her and coudnt take a shower the room is not wheelchair accessible she is making it really hard on me being the only child Im feeling really guilty for not bringing her home if I did bring her home my health would deteriate really fast especially if I was to lift her With My back I also have Little disc left and pinched nerves I dont know what to do she puts the guilt trip on us everyday I see her I feel really bad for her but were in our late 50 and our health isnt good if I do has she wishes shell be happy but we will be miserable with other people living with us its going to be a lot of stress dont think we can survive that

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Vent away. Your story is familiar to most of us here. I believe our parents go into survival mode, seeing little beyond their personal needs and wants. Even parents who were sweet and sacrificing start to seem like they are narcissists. And it is usually shown most to the person who is with them the most -- the cg. Most people wouldn't believe the real ugly we can see. I haven't found any effective way of dealing with it except to walk away when it gets too bad.
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My 86 year old mom moved from another state to live near us 9 months ago. She has bad macular degeneration (blind left eye, almost blind right), leukemia and mild dementia that worsens with stress and fatigue. Luckily, she lives but a 3 minute drive from my home, in a tiny, manageable rent house. She just sold her home and is resentful and sad about it....she has become very egocentric and selfish, like a toddler. I have a brother who lives across the country and is not involved so her day-to-day care and decisions fall solely on me. I still have a teen at home, a husband who travels 50% of the time and a part time job. It has proven to be a challenge to manage her daily care, especially since she is so forgetful. She often tells people that I dont tell her things(like what she sold her house for, what she has in her bank account, etc), which is totally untrue. I realize she has dementia but I cant help but struggle with feelings of frustration and anger with her for seeming to always attack me and question my motives. She is hurt by the lack of attention from my brother but a 3 minute phone call from him is immediate redemption! Aracept did not help her and just caused bad GI problems. I think she is depressed, which she denies. Ive always had a great relationship with her but am finding myself wanting to avoid her at times because she can be a very negative, frustratiing "downer"...trying to be empathetic but wish she would stop hanging on to what once was and accept all the blessings she's been given this past year. She has no choice but to live near me because she had no support system at her home....everyone was worried about her and constantly asking me what I was going to do about her...finally after two years of cajoling, she moved here(after I had a "come to Jesus" with her) and although she has good moments, it has been a challenge. I dont know what the future holds, but I dont think I or my family would survive her moving in with us and a nursing home would be a death warrant, as the ability to putter around in her little yard and keep her dog is what keeps her going. Its just all so scary and depressing. Thanks for letting me vent!
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I'm sorry you're going through this. I know the only child aspect. You're right. Your health is paramount and it sounds like convincing her of what's best is the issue in spite of what she selfishly wants. I understand that your health would deteriorate if you lived with her. You don't have to. Is your husband supportive?
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Please look after yourself. There comes a time when we have to put our needs first. Your mum's health will continue to deteriorate, as for all of us as we age, but her deterioration will be faster than yours. If you bring her home, which looks impossible, your heath will deteriorate more quickly too. It simply makes no sense to bring your mum home. Naturally, I think she is resisting accepting the needs she has due to her condition, which require her to move to a facility. It is not an easy transition for many. We all would like to stay with loved ones in a home environment. Unfortunately this just will not work for her any more. My heart goes out to all of you. Is there a social worker or therapist who could speak with her -with you all together to help her accept her, and your, realities?Have you explained to her, as you have explained to us here, how providing proper care for her in your home is not possible? You do not have the room, and, in any case, it is too expensive. Has your mum been evaluated for depression and any meds to help her at this time? It does sound like she is depressed - understandably. Others here have said that guilt comes with caregiving, and has to be pushed aside when making decisions. I agree - let the guilt go. You do not deserve it. You have been, and are, acting responsibly taking everyones needs and limitations in mind. Please talk to the NH staff, and let them know that your mum cannot be discharged to your home as you cannot provide appropriate care. Getting a third party involved will take some of the pressure off you. Good luck and let us know how it goes. ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))) Joan
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I totally agree with Jeanne. Looks as if you have the perfect place for your Mother. You are doing what is best for all of you and that should give you a great sense of relief and peace. You have done a remarkable job. There is only so much one person can do and most of us are well past that point. God bless!
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Ah, yes, guilt. As caregivers we can't live without it. We don't necessarily do anything to deserve it, but there it is. If Mother goes into this awesome home you have found for her, you will feel guilty that she isn't in your home (and she will try to intensify that feeling). If you move her into your home you will feel guilty that you are distracted from providing the calm, peaceful environment your husband deserves and the attention he needs.

So here is the bottom line: You are going to feel guilty no matter what. Sigh. Not fair, but there it is. So you cannot let guilt drive your decisions. Objectively, looking at it as if you were an outsider who just wanted the best for all people concerned, what is the best thing to do? You don't have to think too long to conclude that the small group home is ideal, do you?

The guilt is going to be there. It is irrational. You don't deserve it. But you probably can't bannish it entirely. Learn to push it to the background and go forward with what needs to be done. It may help to have a few sessions with a counselor if the guilt gets ovewhelming and prevents you from doing the right things.
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