I feel very childish for the way I feel.

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My Family does nothing for my Mother, they call maybe once a month if that, they have not seen her in I will guess 2 years and have made it plain that if I expect help, well lets just say they refuse to even take her for 2 weeks. They yell at me all the time at any decision that I make and want to sit back and direct traffic but will not lift a finger. My question, I told you in my last email that I blocked my sister and niece from any communication except email. I had to let something go the stress was just overwhelming. Well I have done well and been able to concentrate at the tasks at hand since they can no longer reach me. Mother's Day comes and all of a sudden My sister and niece send flowers, call her for 5 minutes. I know this is so childish on my part and I feel just awful for admitting this but it made me so angry, Of course, please don't take me wrong, I was happy that Mom was happy but I can't believe how upset it made me to think that after all they have said and done and made it plain that they could even care if they see our mother that they could buy flowers and call her for 5 minutes and it is suppose to make everything OK. Again, I was happy to see Mom smile but it was so hard to sit and listen about how wonderful they are. Is this normal on my part, I feel so childish and just so ashamed of my feelings. I feel like an only child when it comes to her care and I know if I was not here they would put her in a home and have even been told that if they had her they would just put her in a home. Mom's caregiver ask at one time well how often would you visit your Mom is she were to be in a home and they said well why would you do that she won't remember anyways.


Yeah, that is a pretty childish reaction. And we all have that child within us that can be offended and hurt and act out. Don't worry about it. As long as you continue to be the responsible adult with your caregiving don't be surprised that sometimes your reactions are less than mature.

Aveeno, we probably all share your feelings. What I do to keep from being p*ssed off all the time is to take myself out of the equation when it comes to my mother's relationship to her other kids. I know the others are not going to help in any way. The only thing they have are the brief calls or visits. I would like it if I didn't even have to be present when my brothers come to visit. It detracts for me to be there. My mother wants me there, though. She's insecure about being around people without me. Plus, she thinks that since it is my brother that I should cater to him. (The opposite is not true, since I'm female and my mother has old-fashioned views.)
Aveeno ~ what you are feeling is normal when siblings don't help or even care to help. There is usually one child that "steps up" to take true responsibility for aging parents. When that's you (or me), you have to realize there's a reason for that. We "get it" when all they do is grouse about how we take care of our parents but never lift a finger to help. After our Dad died, I was the one who stepped up and looked after Mom, took her to all her doctor appts, eventually helped her take her showers, did things around her house that she asked, visited with her, made sure she was remembered at every holiday and birthdays, brought her things she liked "just because", sat with her and talked, and tried to make her remaining days on this earth as pleasant as possible. Was I always appreciated by her or acknowledged by her? Not always, but once in while. However, she always said just wonderful things about my siblings and how much they do for her (which was delusional because my sister NEVER came around more than 4 times a year). It was hard to grit my teeth and smile but I did.

When push came to shove and it was time for my mother to acknowledge that she needed a Health Care Proxy, POA and Will, it was ME she chose to make all the important decisions for her and I was happy to do it, as my siblings just wanted to "direct from afar". I sat and smiled to their faces and listened to their "suggestions" but I knew what our Mom wanted and I was determined to follow her wishes. Mom died 5 weeks ago and her birthday would have been this past May 1st. I was sad and cried but I know in my heart I did everything I could to make her last days as comfortable as possible. I have no regrets but I'm guessing (and hoping really) they my siblings will have regrets about the way they treated (and emotionally neglected) our Mom. Is that childish? You bet it is, but too bad, that's the way I feel. And that's that.

My advice is to TRY to think of yourself as an only child and do the best for your Mom, no matter how difficult (and it will get more difficult). She is lucky to have one child that really cares enough about her to step up and take care of her. She may never tell you but know in your heart you are doing the right thing. Now that my Mom's gone, I will probably make as much effort to see my siblings as they did to see our Mom. It's sad really, but mentally, I'm okay with that. My friends say in the past 5 weeks since my Mom's passing, the stress on my face has gone. To be honest, while I loved my Mom immensely and I miss her terribly, I do feel calmer now and more at peace. I still have to deal with her small house (estate) and all the things in it, but I will take my time as executrix and my siblings will just have to wait until I'm good and ready to deal with it. My sister is already pushing to get her 1/3 of Mom's assets. Ugh.
thats pretty cheap -- only showing concern for someone on a hallmark holiday . id be even more annoyed than you are aveeno .
I don't know how to make it happen, but you are entitled to inner peace if you can get your hands on it. Maybe when you start to think about your siblings, think, "Oh, no, I don't want them in my head. I'll think about ----" a TV show or book, a friend, tasty food, white fluffy clouds, washing dishes, errands - Something peaceful and pleasant.
Aah Aveeno I feel the same way, too often!

I had a similar experience on Mother's Day..

The way I look at it is,, the guilt is getting to them so calling or coming by on Mother's Day makes them feel less guilty.. But we both know they'll have to live with their regrets looong after our lived one is gone...
Ohhhh ya. Or when you care for them 24/7 and take thanksgiving off and tell your sibling to do something with them and the neighbor sees that and says you never do anything (because they dont see you there all week)
I have found that the ones who do all the balloons and flowers are the ones who do the least in the every-day.... and the ones who do the every day do the least.
Thats how it was for me anyways- i didnt feel like doing one more thing after giving her all I was.
It's not childish.... acknowledge the feeling and then let it go.
I can relate to your feelings Aveeno. The exact same with me...my siblings dont help or call but when they do make a small gesture like flowers for mothers day they go on and on and on about how wonderful they are. Everyone notices this small effort of course..neighbors. Etc.

Just like you I am greatful that my mom got flowers and felt loved (even though i know how much my siblings really care and how they talk about them) Its just one more daggar in the heart.

Take care and dont feel guilty for your feelings..it is not childish. Dont let them bring you down.
You are right, I guess I had not even realized or maybe I have started to realize, Mom is to the point that she does not want to leave the house really, I can get her to go with me maybe to lunch.

I took her to the mall one day and was terrified, for some reason she had a panic attack and was unable to walk, I had to put my arms around her after resting for about 30 minutes just to get her to the car. I hate to say I don't really take her out to much but she never wants to go so we just sit at the house on weekends. I work all week and this is the only time that I have and unable to really leave the house. I do have a few wonderful friends that will stop by and smile and say take off, go do something.

Yes, my family does nothing but take advantage of a holiday and a monthly phone call. They actually told me that the caregiver takes care of mom not me so what is the big deal!!!! I was so angered at that comment. I did realize this week that other than watching movies and a few small items I really don't do much with mom, its not that I don't want to but she gets so tired and upset when she leaves the house that over the last couple years I have kind of given up. I guess between that and my family the guilt is over taking me.

This sound terrible but I don't mean it this way. My mom other than Alzheimer's is very healthy and her progression is very slow Thank God!!! but I see myself living this way for many years to come. I enjoy her living with me but I know it will only get worse and without the help of family you start to feel doomed. Its been suggested to put mom in a home but I could never do that unless it was medically necessary. I love her dearly but desperately need time to myself. I'm sure I am not the only one but if you could just see the emails that I get from my sister and niece they are totally shocking. At one time we swore that if this ever happened we would work together so I'm also dealing with the shock that they have treated me and mom this way. She has been deleted from my FB page but I have cousins calling to let me know that she is vacationing in Florida this week, her annual vacation. I have to make plans weeks in advance to just get my hair cut. I use to take mom with me but Last time when I returned my hair dresser informed me that she made a huge mess in the restroom.

Now I was approached yesterday from a friend wanting me to go to work for their company, it would be an excellent opportunity for me but it would involve travel about 3 times a week and I just don't see that I can do this so now its also involving my career. I love my Mother dearly and will do what I have to as far as caring for her But sometimes the frustration and depression starts to get to me.

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