I feel very alone.

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My husband an I live next door to my parents. Dad 92 on the 4th of july this yr. And mom 84. Dad had a stroke 1.5 yrs ago. He was very active up till it happened. He lost some vision and some memory. And was crazy angry and saying horrible mean things to mom and i. Accusing mom of do crazy things. Until i finally found a dr. To perscribe him the correct meds. Now he is very pleasant most of the time. But doesnt do anything anymore. Makes me very very sad. Then there is my mom, she is very demanding and rude, she has osteoarthritis and is very overweight and lazy. Her muscles are atrophying badly. She falls alot and can not get up on her own. I cant get her up on my own. My brother is a quadriplegic and my sister died of cancer in 1999. So i am it. They have no one else and niether do i. My mother likes to say things like like well thats why we had you. Or its your duty. Never do either one say thank you. I try to set boundries, but as soon as i do mom crosses them imedieatly, and then acts like she just didnt know. She has had mri, and memory tests done and they did not find anything wrong. But she thinks that i should just take care of everything and be happy about it. They both have handicap scooters, and i drive them to all dr apt. And groc. Shopping. Dad tries to help he can load and un load his. Although he runs into stuff sometimes. But mom sits in the car till i drag hers out and get it set up for her then its a 15min. ordeal getting her out of the car, then she acts like she is the queen going through the store, telling me and dad what to get cause she cant/wont get up and get it. Then the same thing going home i load and unload everything. Scooters dads oxygen tank, groc. Mom gets on hers and goes into the house and groans about how tired she is. I get so angry at her. I do pretty good most of the time but then when ive had enough, and my back is killing me from lifting her, her scooter and there groc, and there 5 gallon water jugs, and she says shes worn out from sitting all day, and tells me to get her something else like the mail, i flip out and say horrible things to her. Then later i feel bad. Ive gone back and apologized, but then she just gets worse. Im all they have i dont want to abandon them, they have very little money, and none of us can afford assisted living, but this could go on for years. I dont know what to do.

I've tried to find a group to join to vent and have companionship. I have zero friends, i had to quit my job, we bought a nursery(plants) right before dads stroke. But are unable to get it up and running now. We will sell it. Which should help. We've had to help them so much. We just completly redid there livingroom. Because it was so small they couldnt get there walkers around my husband and i had to tear out walls and paint and put in new floors. Just us no help. And he works 50 to 60 hrs a week. I had a friend but anytime she would call or come over my mom would see and would call needing something, so she finally quit coming around. I dont blame her. I allways had to put her off. There is so much more. I dont talk to anyone about it because i figure everyone has their own problems and really dont care about mine. People tell me all the time how lucky i am to still have both of my parents. Well most of the time i dont feel very lucky. And i know one day they will be gone, and then i will miss them, and feel guilty and bad about being so angry with them. Ugh! This is all so rediculously complicated. Mom is also has incontinence. And i am not someone that can clean that kind of stuff up. Omgosh she has a #2 accident and i cant even go in the house because of the smell. I miss my sister. Thats a whole other story. Anyway. I have never been on one of these sites. Hope im doing this right. And i dont sound to selfish. But really need other people that are going through some of the same. Im tired of crying alone. Any advice would be grateful.


Last1, I am so sorry you are going through this, it must be very difficult, but you should not give up your life to care for them. There are solutions to find you and them some help. Do you want to care for them? It sounds like quite a load for anyone to deal with. Call your Area Agency on Aging. Are your dad or mom veterans? If so, the Veterans Administration may also have services for them including residential housing. You do not need to pay for their care, and should not. Work on finding a solution. It is not your duty to care for them. What about your own retirement? You need to provide for yourself.
You say that you try to set boundaries and your mom acts as though they aren't even there. I've got to say that it is normal for her to test the boundaries, it is up to YOU to be firm and enforce them, just because she tries to monopolize your time doesn't mean you have to allow it. Shopping with them both is an ordeal, so stop. Ask for a list and go on your own or have their groceries delivered. Mom whines you say "sorry, I'm not going to do that anymore because it has become too hard". Repeat. Mom calls for something when you have plans you say "sorry I'm busy, I'll get to that when I can". Or you turn off the phone. There are several threads on this site where people discuss their dysfunctional families and the fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) their parents use to try to gain the upper hand, I would encourage you to seek them out and do some reading. Take care.
gladimhere is right. It is NOT your duty to care for them.

Is having a nursery business your dream? You must find a way to do it!

Chances are you will badly hurt your back lifting your obese mother. And then what?

If they don't have much money, they can qualify for Medicaid, right?

Think of it this way -- 40% of caregivers die before their charges. And you are taking care of two people. Is this fair to your husband? To YOU?
Find a transport service for your parents. Do it today. They can pickup your parents  in their scooters..take them to doc appointments, grocery store, etc. enroll them today! Stop sacrificing your health! It is very serious....you must stop that.

Turn off your phone. Go over there to do specific, pre-arranged tasks...then leave. If Mom demands more..just say "Mom, I am very busy today...make a list of what you need and I will see what I can do on the next visit". Do not keep jumping every time she whines. Just don't. You have to protect your health!

If this is not enough for them...then get them the names and phone numbers of a couple of agencies that can provide more in-home care for them. But, do not keep doing this to yourself. Mom is going to keep demanding as long as you keep buckling in and doing! Stop
Hi feel like that sometime ive had to move my dad in with me as he wasn't coping .I wash him and dress him.cook for him wash his clothes.he has our living room.I look after him full time .I dont have any friends or any one to talk to apart from my husband.I too can feel very alone. We have good days and bad.I tend to keep my conments to my self and keep mychin up .it does help abit to be positive
Last1standing - do not feel bad but the roller coaster ride of feeling angry, resentful and then guilty is something I have dealt with for years. Finding this site has been a true blessing - just to be able to write out my "dark" feelings and have people that actually "get it" is such a relief!! I only have on parent left - my 90 year old mother. I'm single, work full time and at 57 have 10 more years to go before SS kicks in. I need/want to work. I have 2 brothers that are much more financially blessed than I am but they come around very, very little. She's in great shape for 90 but is still unhappy and unappreciative most of the time. I'm dreading her getting older and even more difficult as I have already seen a decline in my health due to stress. I'm a strong, independent woman but having her in my home again and feeling obligated - is a lonely, boring existence. Since she is in decent shape I've started to doing more things with friends as I deserve a life too. All I can say is nothing lasts forever even so do SOMETHING just yourself. For me - an hour getting a pedicure and foot massage is so soothing, or a facial, or a walk at the dog park or a stiff drink out with friends. There are options - look into Dept. of Aging for free services, Senior Ride Share, church volunteers to provide elderly care, etc. Your parents won't like it but trust me - your sanity will thank you for the break.
Ok i dont know how to respond to each one. But thank you all sooooo very much, it helps so much knowing i am not the only one, and really i knew that, but i havent talked to or heard from anyone else till now. I will take all of your advice to heart. And yes i do want to help my parents. There were good parents for the most part when we were growing up. Geting old an demented and broken really changes people. I am terrified of ending up like them. I have gone through the whole VA thing. Not much they will do, i did get a lady to come help with housework 2 times a week. Shes not very good. But she is there and i dont have to be. We live out in the country, aways from town, so getting transport for them is expensive. And i have to talk to the drs or mom screws everything up. She has messed dads meds up several times. I had to get him an electronic locked med despenser. Which is awesome.

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