I feel more like my wife's father, than her husband.

Follow
Share

It's like I'm setting all the rules. I miss talking about movies, TV, plays, etc. she can't I irritate anything. I spend my life making plans for her. Frankly, I'd like to meet a woman in the same situation to relate to. Everyone I meet at support groups is caring for an elderly parent or a much older spouse. They have a whole different set up problems.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
79

Comments

Show:
1 2 3 4 5
I did not read through all the posts and understand the wish that there be a seperate forum for those caring for a spouse. Being a spouse I would hope that other spouses continue to post here rather than seperately. We can all learn so much from each other. Yes there is the loss of a mate, some much loved and some abusive, but the diseases take the same course and the decisions are similar. Because someone is caring for an elderly relative does not mean they have not suffered similar losses by being divorced etc. A spouse may cease to be a sexual partner for a number of reasons and most people experience the same personal reactions to that. Some grieve, some rejoice, others feel pain for the spouse. My point is that whoever you are caring for brings similar problems in some area and we can all learn from and suport each other so I would hate to see the spouses split off in the same way I did not want to see the private caregivers leave either. Everyone has something to contribute, even down to the best way to treat diaper rash. Nothing is taboo, we are all human
(3)
Report

Yes, when a spouse gets dementia the marriage takes on a very different character. We do lose our equal partner, our lover, our helpmate. We may or may not still have a companion, but the nature of that relationship changes dramatically. We are dealing with what one therapist calls "ambiguous loss." For many years I was a married woman but I did not have a husband. How ambiguous is that?! Our spouse is both there and not there. We face a long series of losses, but there is no public acknowledgement until the final loss, death.

I highly recommend the book "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia" by the therapist who has deep insight into the concept of ambiguous loss, Pauline Boss.
(3)
Report

May morning2 I know what you are saying. My husband is 78 and I am 69. He needs help with many things now and I am afraid to leave him alone too. No telling what he will do. He does not get lost yet and he certainly knows who I am. I think my time to put him in a home will be when he no longer knows who I am. I did promise him that! I said, "By the time I put you in a home, you won't know who I am or what you are doing so don't' worry about it now!" And he has never said another thing. He has had it for 8 years that I have realized he was acting differently. But you are older and so is your husband so you might want to get him into a home before there is nothing left of you!. I just lost his brother who also had dementia and was with us for two years after his wife died. I feel fairly liberated now that he has gone on! Much less time spent at the nursing home makes it easier for me! I too feel I have lost my best friend, my lover, my strong man to lean on, my everything. I feel lonely and alone and he is right there. I would love to have just one more meaningful conversation with him!
(1)
Report

Papillon, I feel the same as you. I have to make all the plans and take care of all the chores myself as I am sure you are doing too. It is just what we have to do. But yes I have been wishing to talk to someone who understands too. Bill doesn't talk much at all anymore so there are no discussions. He is still strong but he doesn't know how to do anything, like mow the grass, use a screwdriver or hammer, fix anything the way he used to do. He fixed computers for IBM and he was the best fixit man around. He doesn't remember the names of any tools, can't write anymore and I don't think he is reading much at all anymore. Someone told me to label the drawers of his bureau so he could find things. It didn't help because I don't think he can read. It is lonely even though he is there all the time and he won't let me out of his sight anymore. I go in another room to watch TV. He watches movies , same ones, every day over and over. He comes in the room a half a dozen times to watch me!

I retired from teaching 3 years ago to take care of him full time. My world keeps getting smaller the same as his does. I take him to Mass on Sunday because he loves it. I can relax and let him do the thing he has always down. Then he goes with me to the Methodist church service because I can't leave him alone. It is always the most relaxing day for me. I guess because I get out of the house and so does he. How about you?
(0)
Report

These comments helped me more than any of the others I have read. I too am caring for my husband, who has fairly advanced dementia, can do nothing for himself, and needs constant supervision. He is 89, I am 77. I love him and miss him--he has always been my best friend. But he is not the husband and partner I had, and after 5 years now of progressing decline, I am burning out. I am wondering when it is the right time to move him to a care facility, but feel guilty even thinking about it.
(1)
Report

Thank you Lindaw71 for your input. Your situation sounds much like mine and we are very close in age. It helps to hear my situation is not unique. I too, have experienced the challenges of not knowing what to expect. Some days are better than others, some moments better than others for both of us. I would love to have a support group that would minister to our situations.
(2)
Report

Oh my goodness, for your sake I hope he does not forget either
(0)
Report

Now this is scary!! My husband had a tumor in his jaw several years ago that required a maxillectomy. He wears an appliance that I'd have no idea how to insert. Or how to clean the hole that opens into his sinus. I sure hope he never forgets how to do that.
(0)
Report

guess I will be sticking around for brushing time from now on. My BIL age 91 quit all dental care & no one realized it, in the past 6 months he had to have all uppers pulled then the bottoms, he won't wear dentures either. My husband was still doing so well with personal hygiene I really did not worry too much, guess I will have to watch all that now.
(0)
Report

two pups mom, if I don't stay with Bill and watch him brush, he will not do it. I have to walk him through each step. Sounds like we are in about the same place. He also goes four times a year for a cleaning! It must be awful for the dental hygienist! And I know it is going to cost a lot extra. My best friend was lucky. Her mom doesn't have any teeth at all. She won't wear the false teeth so she's good to go. Her mom fell three years ago and was supposed to last only 6 months. She is still fine and now my friend is filing for medicaid. She said it is a nightmare of paperwork. Save all your bank receipts and all receipts for at least 5 years, was her best advice!
(1)
Report

1 2 3 4 5
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Related
Questions