I feel like I'm losing my identity.
SHould not be the case, and as stated in another thread, it's largely my own fault for not getting out more since being here.
I haven't made any friends locally and often I'm just too tired or just don't have it in me to go out and be social. So I know I need to do that and sometimes and just trying to conserve gas because I don't have much money. So I don't get out o the other, 'non-retirement" side of town.
I was feeling crowded earlier just being stuck in here with mom all the time. I have been getting out for a few minutes when I start to feel agitated so that I can go calm down on my own and not escalate things in the house. SO I left and went to Barnes and Noble and walked around which is a place of sanity for me and one of the few things in town that could be considered halfway stylish. There's something healing about being drawn to books or subjects that mirror what is missing in your life, something grounding and informative about it. The subjects change at different times. Today the ones calling me were nature books (hiking field guides of local plants), travel books (take me away please) and books on exploration. Also a book on self-control/impulse control, Joyce Meyer's "Battlefield of the Mind," (bad attitude), some books on history and science, and the display with some wonderful-smelling soaps and bath items. (That's my favorite thing, luxury baths the tub here is awful and very tiny and the bathroom is beige and brown and eighties). These all pint to things that are missing now since I"ve been here. I don't do anything for me anymore, it's all about keeping mom company. And it's not her fault. She's lonely and dependent, but doesn't need 24 hour care. I'm just being lazy in not getting out. She told me to get out and get a life.
I guess i"m feeling like there's not much of a life to be "gotten' here. I miss my friends, the outdoor activities, the freedom of my own place, the grounding of little things like having a place in my living space (in this case,, a room) for mementos that things that are meaningful and inspirational. I miss my furniture, photos, personal items that are in another state at this time. There's not room in here for the ones that are with me, nowhere to put them out . No room for a bookcase. The room is functional but old, small and not very inspiring. My space is a big deal - a sunny reading nook would make a huge difference, as would a simple spot to put up mementos and decor (in this case, one large picture) and there' really isn't a space in here. And even when I can find a little nook to relax here, mom is always here because she does not go out. Ever.
The other strategy used in the past was to get out to an inspiring coffee shop and spend the day working there, and there are a few chain ones here but they don't do the truck. I try to make it work. I feel like I"m losing touch with the world, touch with myself, and I'm rotting in a retirement area and just need something new and fresh and stylish around. I feel old and very plain. I could rot here and never have an intelligent conversation again The world is passing me (and this town) by. I'm turning into a vegetable. Lettuce. Rutabaga.
And have gained 20 lbs.
This is mostly a vent, I'll pull out of it and try to build some kind of life. Just feeling trapped tonight. Thx