I am going to feel so guilty and worried if my husband is somewhere else.

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not sure what to do, its getting hard to care for my LO. If I hire someone to come in I could only afford day time care so that wouldn't help me at nights when sometimes he gets up and is delusional. I have found what I believe to be a nice place that does 24/7 dementia care but now I am feeling guilty about the idea of him living somewhere like that. I am a senior myself but healthy and active altho no longer able to do the things I used to do while caring for him. He is finding it difficult to walk safely and his dementia causes him to forget that this is his home and I am his wife. My family all feel its time to place him and everyone is busy so no help there. I am going to feel so guilty and worried if he is somewhere else but on other hand my nerves are bad and my life is a mess anyway :(


My wife chose Assisted Living over two years ago on her own and remains there and most of the time fairly happy. As a retired RN it is my privilege to be her Care Partner in conjunction with the staff. The staff has a D.O.N. and doctor to go to but my experience is that they don't know everything nor see everything. So as changes are noted or observed - I also share. My wife called this morning and was so happy that I had recommended a change in medication. SO, my advice is what I read just this AM in my time with God: "Encouragement may be the greatest gift we give this Christmas." Be ready for change because it WILL come and this may just be one of your best Christmas's ever when you will be encouraged to live your life for the Lord Jesus Christ by accepting HIM as your own personal Savior.
I'm sorry he is forgetting you and his home, but in a way that is a blessing because he has just as much chance of being happy in his new home, perhaps even more so because there will be more activity and more hands to care for him. Of course it will be hard for you to adjust to your new life without him there, you will have move one giant step farther down the dementia road, but you just may find you feel more kindly toward him and enjoy being with him more once someone shares the burden of care.
Dear Anne H, I'm so sorry to read of your dilemma.

Would it be possible for you to spend a little more time getting familiar with the memory care unit you have in mind, and adjusting to the idea of your husband's moving there?

It is going to be a wrench, I'm afraid, even so; but for the sake of *both* of you you have to be practical. Change is inevitable in the end, but if things deteriorate while your husband is living with you and you are his primary caregiver then that change could be risky for both of you. The sooner your husband moves, the more time you will both have to benefit from professional support in a secure setting.

Ask the staff if you can visit a few more times. If they're welcoming and friendly, that in itself will help set your mind at rest. Please update us, hugs to you.
anneh1, it isn't easy parting with a love one who will be living elsewhere... I know when my Dad moved to a senior living facility, I finally got a chance to feel like parents do when they send their child off to college.... you worry if they will like their dorm room... you worry if they are eating good meals.... you worry if they are making friends.

I found a wonderful place for Dad who was still very clear minded but with sundowners. By moving him when I did, he was still able to learn his way around the facility, learn the names of the Staff, and he liked the extra attention he was getting like physical therapy, and he loved the meals. He said he wished he would have moved there years earlier.

I am also a senior myself with my own age decline, so having Dad move has slowly put me back on track of feeling better, as it had become so emotionally exhausting. It was nice going back to being "the daughter", instead of one of his caregivers... whew.
thnx for all of your input, really appreciate it. Last night was such a bad night, I had no sleep, finally got to sleep at 3am and then he woke me up at 7am. This makes me realize I need to place him as today I have been so worn out and aggravated, not a pleasant person and this happens so often lately :( So I think I will proceed placing him but will of course visit often and make sure he is well cared for.
Anne, it sounds like you have come to a good decision for all. Frankly, after you place him and he is settled, you are likely to see that 3 shifts of caregivers, entertainment, housekeeping and meal prep provided by a facility will leave you calm and ready to be an advocate for him rather thatn a frazzled at home caregiver. Please keep us posted and then get yourself some well deserved rest.
Anne, Can you both go live at the same place?
Anne, were you able to place your husband into Assisted Living/Memory Care? If yes, how is he doing? And how are you doing?

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