I feel guilty because I am close to wanting my Mom (89) to die.
I am her oldest son and only member of the family handling all aspects for her life and business. I moved from the west coast to look after her more closely on the east coast, giving up my life of 20 years there. I am single and have not made any friends where I am, although I know there are so many outlets and organizations to help me there. I just am depressed all the time, so I have no energy to go meet people and additionally, i have nothing to bring to the table anymore except going on and on about my mother or my sister's dysfunctional family that I am a sounding board for. Alot of the guilt stems from the money situation. As POA I must make sure she has enough money to live on for as long as it takes. On the other hand the 3 kids (including me) are expecting an inheritance. I am doing well handling her portfolio, making sure both needs are being met. I have raised her income and net worth all the while increasing her ability to be cared for and our ability to have a decent inheritance. If I was completely an angel, I suppose I would not care about the inheritance and simply put mom in the best facility possible and watch our inheritance whither away to nothing. If that happened, I would basically be on the street But more about mom. She is going to be 89 in June and she has had this disease for 6 years now. I have been through the wringer with everything, and again, all alone. From getting rid of all the furniture, pictures and knick knacks in the house, to doing an HGTV makeover on the house to get it ready to sell and finally selling it. I have put her in 5 facilities for one reason or another. I moved her from the best facility because the cost was getting too high and her long term insurance was running out. Again with the money. I feel so selfish.
Anyway, she is incontinent, in a wheelchair full time, has to be fed, and literally is 100% immobile. She is moved with a hoya lift from bed to wheelchair to bed. I have visited her regularly since now being in the same town and i buy all of her incontinence products which are alot, and buy whatever necessities her caregivers ask for.
There have been some missteps with her caregivers, although they say she is one of her favorites, they have 25 on the wing and my mother, as others, cannot be given the full time attention they mostly deserve.
I have watched my mom in all sorts of decline. Her internal health is great. She has a strong heart, healthy lungs, and a strong appetite. She just isn't speaking so much anymore and when she does it is mostly garbled words. I used to have so much fun with her, but that aspect of her has diminished.
So I am in year 6 of being the sole caretaker for everything and unless you have been me, you have no idea how the day to day takes a toll on you. I don't know if I am depressed because of taking care of mom, or my depression wants it all to be over so I can get on with my life, what ever that may be. I am starting to see a therapist next week and a psychiatrist in a month. Back on my anti depressants as well. I have insomnia too which does not help matters.
There is no love lost between my younger sister and her mother and my brother is far enough away to divorce himself the feelings it takes to go through this.
So I am getting very tired of all this. I know she brought me up, raised me right, fed me, clothed me and the like and i should do everything in return, but raising a child who with time, learns to take care of themselves and provides hours of amusement, is not the same as caring for someone who continuously declines in health over years and years and years. I want this to be over with and I know she would too. I am so drained, but feel so guilty with those thoughts creeping in my head.