I got put down again and I feel guilty about my new decision.
Once again my grandfathers 2x a week care giver who was hired to stay 3 hours those mornings left early...AGAIN!!!I guess that the point, "hes the boss" so he can allow her to leave, well great for her but once again for me he calls me down and needs this or that or just to talk the second she leaves very rare he doesn't call. I was stretching a few minutes while writing my "to do list" and the phone rang..again... he needing to tell me this or that and when am I ever coming "home" ( his house) and how I need to learn to write things down and read them correctly etc etc . Well, gee wiz apple sauce and blue cheese!!!!
As I mentioned in my post yesterday was it? I haven't slept much and stress etc and I looked at the previous week ..IM TIRED, did I mentioned overweight so it adds to being tired for me. He says theres no reason to be its MY fault I dont sleep!!!! Really, does he not realize when hes up Im up? Does he not realize that I have to be listening for his possible calls to me, or his possible fall at night? Every time he gets up I hear is walker.. I listen how many steps he takes... how many bangs when he walks so I know he doesn't fall, or hes not lost or hes ok..or to see if I can get him back to sleep during proper hours... usually I just jump up and go over to see if he needs help. Oops, I take it back, there have been a few times that I was so tired I slept right through him talking and banging( very rare) but after a while of bad sleep, I think thats normal? Then when he actually sleeps, my son is up, or Im up with soo much on my my mind. My family cant be replaced and I want to spend every moment I can with them because there's not much time left .. life is so short. They both can live at home with help ( for now) and I want to be that person but right now, I just cant. I cant :(
My grandpa is upset I went back to part time care, he says financially Im gonna be hurt well, Im hurting now really.Regardless, I will be put down and told Im not doing it right part time, full time or just a regular granddaughter stopping by. The calls wont stop no matter the amount of care.. or maybe they will stop when I cant care for him because Im working full time. He is the type to be so mad he wont talk to me. Plus, hes threatening money over my kids ( paying for their school fund he set up) if my one child doesn't visit him ( we are trying to find out what is wrong mentally with my teen never wants to go anywhere really.. Autism possibility...wont get into all issues) beside dealing with all of us and my son!!!
Like a few others mentioned here, Im not here for you to feel sorry for me, I just want support and advice, which you all have. And because of you all I have realized, maybe Im not meant to care-give for them, or maybe I just need a few months completely away and just concentrate on my kids and a job and on me.. Just us three. Yes, I am greedy and feel guilty and am scared but what choice do I have? I dont want to have a nervous breakdown! I feel if I dont put the brakes on almost everything I will :(
Plus another member here asked if we left living in or care giving, Im sorry I cant remember your name but you have 6 kids, you had the courage and strength to move out and also because of your post, I have realized I think I can do this to. I may go back but for now ( well, I will stay until more help comes and talk with his Dr). You will also be in my thoughts often! Hugs and Im proud of you and all the others here for everything they have done!!!!
(with some of you in much worse situations.. Im sorry to complain about me )
All of your advice and hugs and thoughts will stay with me. I hope in a few months time, you all will allow me to sign back in and hopefully bring you good news for a change. Or I will just be able to help someone here without me having more issues. I hope to make some friends on here when I come back on :) I hope for all of you, your health is good and you have some peace yourselves.