I got put down again and I feel guilty about my new decision.

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Once again my grandfathers 2x a week care giver who was hired to stay 3 hours those mornings left early...AGAIN!!!I guess that the point, "hes the boss" so he can allow her to leave, well great for her but once again for me he calls me down and needs this or that or just to talk the second she leaves very rare he doesn't call. I was stretching a few minutes while writing my "to do list" and the phone rang..again... he needing to tell me this or that and when am I ever coming "home" ( his house) and how I need to learn to write things down and read them correctly etc etc . Well, gee wiz apple sauce and blue cheese!!!!

As I mentioned in my post yesterday was it? I haven't slept much and stress etc and I looked at the previous week ..IM TIRED, did I mentioned overweight so it adds to being tired for me. He says theres no reason to be its MY fault I dont sleep!!!! Really, does he not realize when hes up Im up? Does he not realize that I have to be listening for his possible calls to me, or his possible fall at night? Every time he gets up I hear is walker.. I listen how many steps he takes... how many bangs when he walks so I know he doesn't fall, or hes not lost or hes ok..or to see if I can get him back to sleep during proper hours... usually I just jump up and go over to see if he needs help. Oops, I take it back, there have been a few times that I was so tired I slept right through him talking and banging( very rare) but after a while of bad sleep, I think thats normal? Then when he actually sleeps, my son is up, or Im up with soo much on my my mind. My family cant be replaced and I want to spend every moment I can with them because there's not much time left .. life is so short. They both can live at home with help ( for now) and I want to be that person but right now, I just cant. I cant :(

My grandpa is upset I went back to part time care, he says financially Im gonna be hurt well, Im hurting now really.Regardless, I will be put down and told Im not doing it right part time, full time or just a regular granddaughter stopping by. The calls wont stop no matter the amount of care.. or maybe they will stop when I cant care for him because Im working full time. He is the type to be so mad he wont talk to me. Plus, hes threatening money over my kids ( paying for their school fund he set up) if my one child doesn't visit him ( we are trying to find out what is wrong mentally with my teen never wants to go anywhere really.. Autism possibility...wont get into all issues) beside dealing with all of us and my son!!!

Like a few others mentioned here, Im not here for you to feel sorry for me, I just want support and advice, which you all have. And because of you all I have realized, maybe Im not meant to care-give for them, or maybe I just need a few months completely away and just concentrate on my kids and a job and on me.. Just us three. Yes, I am greedy and feel guilty and am scared but what choice do I have? I dont want to have a nervous breakdown! I feel if I dont put the brakes on almost everything I will :(

Plus another member here asked if we left living in or care giving, Im sorry I cant remember your name but you have 6 kids, you had the courage and strength to move out and also because of your post, I have realized I think I can do this to. I may go back but for now ( well, I will stay until more help comes and talk with his Dr). You will also be in my thoughts often! Hugs and Im proud of you and all the others here for everything they have done!!!!


(with some of you in much worse situations.. Im sorry to complain about me )


All of your advice and hugs and thoughts will stay with me. I hope in a few months time, you all will allow me to sign back in and hopefully bring you good news for a change. Or I will just be able to help someone here without me having more issues. I hope to make some friends on here when I come back on :) I hope for all of you, your health is good and you have some peace yourselves.

10 Comments

Make sure you are out of the house and gone for those three hours and return at the end of the caregiver's shift. Ask her not to leave until you return. Make the most of those 3 hours, fresh air does wonders for you.
It's not clear to me if you're living in the same house or if you go to your GF's house for caregiving.

If he dismissed the caregiver, then he has to deal with the lack of her presence.

He's manipulating, controlling and financially blackmailing you into caring for him. You've made a good step toward increasing the distance by working, focus on that and remember that you'll have a life long after he's gone (I don't intend to sound cruel, but rather to encourage your focus to be long term).

As long as he can get away with bullying, he will. Get some space between you so you can see things more clearly and work up the courage to tell him that you're not going to compensate when he dismisses the caregiver early. She's there for a reason.

Good luck; I know it's hard to establish boundaries and stand up when you're browbeaten.
The very first thing that has to be done is to inform the caregiver that she is not to leave early. Ever. No matter what. If your grandfather has it in his head to send her home then she is to find busywork to do until the end of her shift. Have her sit down and talk to him, ask him about his life. People love to talk about themselves. She's there not only to care for your grandfather but to provide some respite time for you.

I related to what you said about when your grandfather is up in the middle of the night. It was the same way when my dad lived with me. There was only a 15 ft hallway separating us so every little move he made I was charting in my mind. There were times when I would awaken with a start thinking I heard my dad calling me. I'd creep down to his room only to find out that it was in my head. To this day, over a year since he passed away, I still wake up in the middle of the night sometimes thinking I hear him calling me.

Tell your grandfather that if he sends his caregiver home early again you will not be available. What's the point in hiring help if he doesn't utilize it?? You're the one caring for him, he doesn't get to pick and choose when he wants help. You're trying to continue letting him live on his own and if he won't follow your suggestions then you may have to rethink this situation.
From my personal experience, you sound alone and without a network or individual to support you. If not a therapist, you might consider calling your local Agency on Aging and asking about caregiver support groups near you. I would suggest beginning to journal your thoughts and start to write a list of what you need as a starting point to creating an action plan. You have so much strength and goodness to offer to others. Please turn some of that into taking care of yourself. God Bless.
Sorry that GF keeps putting you down. It is easy to say "don't let it bother you" but we might as well say "fly to the moon for a break."

If GF were completely complimentary and appreciative it would be easier to take but it still wouldn't be right. You need to be able to count on that time when the caregiver is there. You need to be able to sleep through the night. And you certainly need to be able to concentrate on relating to your children and getting appropriate diagnosis and help for the one who needs it.

Decide what you need to do in your own life. More time with children? Full time job? More relaxation? More exercise? Figure out how much time you can/want to devote to GrandFather. Tell him. Offer to help him make arrangements for the additional care he needs.

He is going to change the trust funds for the kids' education? "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I have to do what I think best, and I guess you do to."
Me1000, you said "They both can live at home with help ( for now) and I want to be that person but right now, I just cant. I cant :( "

Well, you said it. No, you can't. And particularly you can't if your g/f is content to dismiss other help because he assumes you'll fill in the gaps. Not Fair.

Do what works for you and for your children. Nobody - repeat, nobody - has any right to put their own needs ahead of that. No more sad faces, now; get your priorities straight and stick to them.

Come back whenever you feel like it. It shows character to continue feeling concerned for people who have it worse than yourself, and sadly it's true that there are situations out there that are much worse… but hey, you've got it quite bad enough! Let us know how you're getting on.
Me1000 i am in same boat here with my mum. She uses the house to get at me and threatens to cut me out if i get annoyed with anything like her 50 demands in 0.2 seconds or so it feels.
My doc said walk away,my friends say walk away? nobody knows how hard it is to just walk away but i know like you i have to find a solution soon or get ill. Mum will not co-operate with the carer she hides in her room then when she returns asks what did she do today?? yes she thinks the carer should be cleaning the house? i have no help or support and am made to feel guilty because i have a cleaning lady in for 3hours a wk? she says she cant afford it but she can! And yes they have NO IDEA how much stress they cause us and just how much we do i snapped at mum twice today and am getting more tired more snappy as i just want a break from this life i just cant so this alone and like you need a solution. My mum uses money to manipulate me but hopefully i will have my own money soon from an accident and will have to make the hardest decision to just grab my life back before its too late. I am sick with worry all the time as i feel as if mums whole future depends on me if i stay she stays at home if i leave she will have to go to a NH and she will blame me for that even though her other children are all away living a life without my worries. Its so hard when its down to one but i know the stress will kill me if i stay here and do this much longer i love my mum but im drained and very unhappy to be living here.
Something has to give maybe your GD will appreciate you more when youre not around as much?
pamstegman- I told the caregiver not to leave but she tries to stay and my grandfather gets upset if she stays longer then usual because he "knows" we want her there. Great idea, I will try and do that when shes there!

GardenArtist- Im sorry I may have confused GF with my sons term of GFG when I was answering before. No, we do not live in the same home but live down the street.

Eyerishlass- Im going to talk with her again but she has been with us for 7 est years now, so she knows everything already, but hopefully we can work out something. I am sorry to hear about your dad and also how you still hear him. I guess we will always be listening for them. I hope your able to get some sleep and peace at night.

VTShan- thank you so much and I do feel alone in some ways. I mean I have my dad and a good friend but your right, its not easy. I will check on the support groups here. Bless you as well :)

jeannegibbs- your right, I do need to figure everything out. I will find a way for my kids school one way or another, but it just makes my kids hurt when he says this.

Countrymouse- Im trying not to have sad faces! Its not easy but I know I need my priorities straight, but isnt he my priority too? I do want to be on here to help others or at least be a person they can lean on, I guess I just feel I have nothing to offer them, and I dont want to suggest something that isnt right. But I been reading the last couple of says just wishing I could help someone with the right answer. Ill try :)

kazzaa- Im sorry your going through the same thing. You do need to care for yourself, and I know its easier said then done. Esp with the accident you had you have to be more careful. If you need to get more care or be on your own, you do what you need to do. Plus, realize your Dr said so! You can let her know you Drs orders. Use that to "gently tell her" and let her know you want her and you to be around a long time so you can still have wonderful future memories and visits. Tell her she deserves the extra help from others and she earned it and she can afford it. Hopefully she will agree. My grandfather will blame me as well, even though my Aunt will be the one who does it. He says he appreciates me and doesn't know what he would do without me, but in the next sentence if I do or say something wrong.. oh boy! He puts me down. Good luck to you

****UPDATE**** My grandfather is having more issues with where he is at and still refuses life alert. He says being blind is throwing him off wif he takes a wrong turn and if no one hears him yelling for help, he goes outside to see if they will come? I flat out told him if he has me care for him, I can never leave the house it will be 24/7 and I can no longer go to any of my kids functions, take them to school/Drs , go shopping etc. I wont be able to work. Well, he says hes fine to still be on his own and he wants me to work because he will know when he dies I can afford to pay bills etc and we will be ok. I told him he HAS NO CHOICE but to where it when Im not there AND he needs more care, like 24/7 care in total. I suggested neighbors who needs some extra money.. I have known them my whole life and they are 100% trust worthy. He knew their parents as well! He says no because not only does it cost money but hes ok. They dont have to do anything but keep him company and make sure he doesn't fall. If he does fall, they can call 911. They will keep him calm too.

Well, do I tell him about installing a video cam we can be hooked up to for his living room and hallway? Or do we just do it? Im tempted to stay with him all the time because my neighbors say I should and I feel I should at this point. The guilt is killing me. But, even his daughter and son (my dad) say to work, and I know my kids need me so I cant be my grandfathers 24/7 hr care. He says theres no way hes going to a NH and quit trying to force him into doing something he doesnt want to do. He says hes ok and he will tell me when he thinks he needs more care!


Your kids are your priority. Your health is your priority. Your future welfare is your priority. GrandFather comes in at no higher than #4. When you have to set priorities, that means that everything CANNOT be number one. Of course you love him. He is lucky to have you on his side. But I certainly hope you love your children and yourself, too. GF is number 4. Remember that.

Bottom line is that unless he is incompetent he can make his own decisions about his care. At least until a crisis occurs. Also, he is going to die. That is a fact. Of course we are all going to die, but his death is mostly likely well before yours and in the foreseeable future. Once you accept that, perhaps you can relax a tiny bit about some of the details.

Just be absolutely clear about this: You CANNOT be his 24/7 caregiver. I find it touching that he is still aware enough to be worried about how you will carry on after he is gone. I doubt he would renig on his promises about his great grandchildren's education. He sounds like he has a good heart under all that bluster. But in any case, he is priority number 4 and you can't let him blackmail you into a higher slot!

Best wishes to you all. Get a good job! Go to your children's functions. Take better care of yourself. And also love GF, without losing sight of your priorities.
Thank again jeannegibbs, I will remember what you said, and I will put my priorities as you said. He is still fighting extra help for companionship, ( caregivers) but is looking at another driver for appts because he wants to "prepare" when I start working and we all know that person well by then. He is concerned about money and about admitting hes older? Not sure exactly. Now he says he doesn't want the bed rail. Uggh. I know hes going to die, and of course we never want that to happen, but I been preparing myself best I can emotionally and soon financially. But how to you really prepare? It still hard esp with my dad now 6-12 months, that Im not grasping to well.

But, grandpa is wanting to go outside again, wants to go to more stores or some sort of outings as long as Im or someone hes extremely comfortable with helps him. He is getting worse but he says " who cares how he looks, its how he feels and some days he feels bad , some good". True I guess. I told him to tell my Aunt when he falls because she wants to know that minute and he said "ya. " Im ok and she knows I fall ( thats true) .

He is telling his Drs,other caregiver, my dad, of course Im there now most of the time still ( so much for part time yet) that he fell. Oh and some of his friends. But he initially didn't want to tell my Aunt who has POA( not medical POA) because she really tells him how it his ( we do too but words are different) and who knows why else. But he agreed he was going to tell her when he does again.

I already started looking for a job today online and will venture out next week! And my dad asked me to go to the Dr so Ill figure out how to pay. Also, I want to go every hour and check but Im getting noting done here, plus, he will get used to the hourly or even two and I nee him to realize he needs more help. Yet, I feel weather I have a job or not its up to me to check. He has a regular checkup coming soon and I will see what the Dr says on his living situation during the day.

Thank you again so much... Sorry so long again. Hugs and have a great day :)

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