My father-in-law controls my house.

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I am a happily married man for 19 years. I have a wonderful wife and 2 beautiful children. My life I can honestly say is great throughout all the issues in our immediate lives. But now it has changed and it is killing me and my wife and it is placing a strain on our lives and my marriage.

My mother in law was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 1998 so what I did was I moved my mother-in-law and father-in-law into the apartment of my 2 family houseand I live in the master apartment with my family. I love my mother-in-law, I placed her on a pedestal she was a beautiful women in all respects. My father-in-law is a hypochondirac lunatic who has been dying of the same heart attack for 30 years. In 2004 my mother-in-law passed away and left me my inheritance- guess who. I guess when they say God only takes the good- it is true. I have 2 brother-in-laws who keep a distance.Yes there are sibilings. In 2006 I purchased a larger house where my father-in-law lives in the maids quarters of the main apartment with us. His issues are getting the best of me. Such things include running the AC all winter when its cold outside- okay I understand his hypochondria gets the best of him so I close his bedroom door and he gets indignant. He is a fussy eater and always cooked for himself because of his lunancy. Note: what he makes will make a billy goat vomit. In 2011 he fell while i was on vacation with my family and now has limited mobility due to the fall and age ( 87 ). We took the keys away from him so he cannot drive and the argument starts every so often. My wife cooks for him but to stop him from cooking and his limited mobility we shut the gas stove off during the day. He is very unsociable and refuses to go outside and demands my wife drive him around at his convenience and his terms. He complained the other day that his throat was bothering him - and he demanded the keys for his car for the doctor I told him I will be going out shortly with my son and I wil take hiom to phamarmacist. Yelling abuses at me in my own house he goes outside and leaves my front door open of my house to go to a neighbor and ask if the neighbor will take him to Brooklyn to see his doctor. This was the last straw and I am demanding that he leaves my house. My brother in laws are great for lip service but nothing else at this stage. I am now at the end of my rope and I am at a point to demand to my wife that either he goes or I go. Give me your thoughts I am at the end of my rope with this luatic. Note: this is a summation vgersion of what goes on there is more that meets the eye or read in between the lines. Thank you


You are the man of the house, not him. He is not commanding respect, but fear.
I sense he is a cowardly old geezer, never equipped to be the leader of his family, discovered this fault in his character early on, became scared you know what -less, and chose to rule with intimidation.
You are a nice man. Too nice, but you have compassion and have respect for your wife and others. Tough Love--establishing rules for inhabitants of your own castle, is appropriate and necessary.
You must lay down the law and reclaim ruler of your home. You will gain huge respect, but it may show as resentment from his weak children, who do not have what it takes to understand the psychology of his methods.
After discussing this with your wife and taking charge, find him a nice place. He needs to be with peers who can shoot the breeze with him, have coffee, play chess, tell stories of their lives, discuss politics. His daughter and sons can visit him and learn to draw their own boundaries.
This is a terrible scourge that old bullies pull, and it stems from their own fears, weakness, and inability to have consideration for others, and self-respect. I never met on old ( male) grouch I could not put in their place by calling their bluff. Women narcissists are different, but thank God you don't have to deal with that.
You can do this, Brother. I love NY, btw :) Left Coast Blessings to you.
Let us know when you get him managed. Don't fall for the "poor me" ranting. He created it, and that's his problem. Take care,) xo
Wow! If all you say is true, you have been a saint in putting up with his anti-social behavior. How does your wife react when he gets under her skin? I realize that since it' s her father, she would probably been somewhat more tolerant but you have a person here in your family that is causing you such grief so it's time for a family meeting with the other siblings.
You have not mentioned anything regarding the financial issues of you father in law so I am wondering if there are enough funds to get him into assisted living scenario. What does his physician say regarding this? This may not be a very accepted idea by you or your family but the next time he got antsy and abusive towards me, I would get a suitcase and put it out for him to see----then tell him that you are going to have to leave as you are putting such a huge strain on you and your family. It may shock him a bit but at least you will have made your point. I think you have done quite enough for this overbearing and difficult man and I wish you luck.
Can your FIL go into assisted living? Everyone has their breaking point and it sounds as if you're rapidly approaching yours. You've put in your time, you've done the right thing for many years. If this situation is threatening your marriage then you need to change it now.

But an ultimatum to your wife, "Him or me", is probably not the wisest course of action to take unless you are totally prepared to live with the decision. I can understand where you're coming from completely, you've been worn down from years of erratic behavior from your FIL, but ultimatums are manipulative and will just add more stress to the situation in my opinion.

You've done your best for a long time. It's time for an another arrangement and to get your life back.
Eyerishlass is right about the ultimatum not being the best approach. Tell your wife that you see how it's hurting you, her, the kids and your marriage, and ask her to work with you to get FIL somewhere safe and get your own home back. (You can still use the ultimatum later if nothing else works.) I think it works best when a couple thinks of themselves as being on the same team.

I like the idea of getting out a suitcase!

There is no reason to let this man treat you like this. Do you ever yell at him? Try it and see what happens. If it makes him violent, then call the cops on him! More likely, like my father, when he sees the force of your will, and sees that you, too, can "lose control" to get your own way, he will calm down and start accusing you of getting upset over nothing. NOTE: Pretend to lose control, but make sure you remain cool underneath. We don't want any domestic violence, even if he deserves it.

You do need him to live someplace else.
Agreed - he needs to leave. You have done more than is reasonable. You don't mention what your wife thinks about it. It would be best of the two of you are on the same page. A family meeting is probably a good idea, even if the bil's won't do anything, they will be informed. Your fil is toxic and needs to be out. I think he needs to be told politely, but clearly and firmly that he can no longer stay in your home, that he must be out by a certain date, and that he will not be given the keys to his car, that you expect him to behave respectfully, yelling is not acceptable and whatever other limits you feel must be set. I certainly hope that your wife does not drive him around as he wishes. You and she are not his servants. My mother is narcissistic and expects me to "serve" her and also to put up with whatever verbal abuse she hands out. I won't. I will do what is necessary/responsible, in my eyes, as her POA, but I will not accept the verbal/emotional abuse, There are consequences to that. Scripturally, you and your wife should be first to one another after God. So it is he that must go. We are supposed to leave our parents and cleave to our spouses. If you wife is having trouble with this, counseling or seeing your pastor or doctor may help. By all means help your fil find somewhere - assisted living or whatever is right for him, but make sure he lives elsewhere. No one should put up with abuse.
Please let us know how this pans out (((((((hugs))))) and prayers.

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