My father calls the police whenever I leave the house - Part 2

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Then, he started following me around and standing by the bathroom when I’m brushing my teeth waiting for me to finish and then go to bed, then he goes into the other room and sits until he goes to bed. He keeps pressuring me to watch tv with him, he’ll come to my room and say it’s time to watch tv, I argue with him that I’m not going, then he comes back says he’ll come back in a few minutes to get me in which I have to argue with him again. A few days ago I was sitting watching television with him and he asked me when I was going to go to the bathroom, I was shocked and asked him why he was asking that, he said so that I don’t soil my pants. This upset me because I felt it was inappropriate. I told him that I am not a child, he said you are my child, I said he had no right to ask me that and it made me very uncomfortable. He did not apologize but instead muttered a “hmm” sound. But the most disturbing things started happening 2 days ago. He was on the couch, it was around 9:00 a.m., I told him to his face that I was going for a walk, he asked me if I had my jacket, I told him it was too warm and that I would be back in a little while. I got home around 10:45 a.m., walked in the front door and he said “the police are looking for you”. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I asked him what he meant, he said that he couldn’t find me in the house so he told them I was missing. He called 911. I was angry and told him that he had to call them back, he called them said they want to talk to me, the lady officer told me they came to the house, she said he told them that he was upset I didn’t eat my breakfast, that there were random people moving in and that I was missing. I told her that I told him where I was going and that he has dementia, she said she would flag his name for any future calls. I asked him about the random people and he said there were 3 people bringing things in. I told him those were the movers moving my things in and there were only 2 of them. Throughout the day he continued to try to feed me and get me to watch tv. Yesterday I had to run some errands, I wrote him a note that I would be gone a little while and to not call the police I am not missing, I showed him the note, he read it outloud and that he wouldn’t call them again. I get home and get a voicemail from the same lady officer that he called them again, this time complaining about the packages and that I wandered off. I called her back asking what exactly he said and she said he told her about the packages being delivered and that I have mental changes and wandered off. I apologized, told her that I wrote him a note but that he isn’t understanding the words and I am looking into a caregiver. I got very, very angry and screamed at him. Later I asked him what packages he was talking about, he pointed to the living room and I said those are my things, I moved them in here and that I don’t have mental changes or wandered off. I asked him to explain why he thinks that is and he could only say “that’s what it looks like”. I told him that he has no right to call the cops, that I was out doing errands, I didn’t wander off, I left on my own, then he says “well they found you” and then I argued with him that I have no contact with them, they don’t know me or any where I go and he continued to say they found you. I did watch some television with him, I told him that tomorrow I have to run an errand and are you going to call the police when you don’t see me, he said no, I tell him that by calling the cops every time I leave the house you are preventing me from living my life, I am a prisoner here, are you expecting me to spend every minute with you, I am adult and I can come and go as I please, you do not have the right to prevent that, he said no he won’t do it again, but I know he will, I told him that I might have to put him in a home which he didn’t like. Then last night I was in the bathroom and he tried to talk to me a few feet away telling me that he was going outside to sweep around the house, I told him ok, but he still stayed there talking to me about how he is going to sweep and then we can watch tv. Again, all day and night he tries to get me to eat and follows me around. He gets up at 6:00 a.m. and I always have my door closed. This morning he knocks on my bedroom door after he gets up then opens it without my saying he could do so, I yell to close it, then he opens it again without knocking, I tell him it’s inappropriate what he is doing, he doesn’t have permission to do that. Then he kept pestering me to eat breakfast again having to argue with him. I don’t know what to do, I read that if you put someone in assisted living or a nursing home you have to prepare 5 years in advance and you have to transfer the house to someone and spend down their money. I don’t have 5 years and has a lot of money to spend down.
I'm amazed that anyone else had the patience to wade through all of that and give you relevant replies, sorry but I couldn't.
If you want help, either from us or from an agency or from his doctors or whoever, you need to be able to get to the point quickly and succinctly or you risk losing your audience. Print out all that for your journal, then cut it down to a couple of paragraphs.... What is happening TODAY, and what have you tried so far to mitigate it?
Well said, CWillie. I gave up after the first few lines.
At least the poster got a good venting. I made it through all three post - basically describing dementia related behaviors.
If only more parents would call the police, early on when they were teens leaving the house, the neighborhoods would be so much safer! Lol, imo, rofl.

Sorry, but I didn't read a word of it!
Hi Glendalough, it sounds like your dad is way too much for one person to handle. He has serious dementia and at this stage he needs more care than one person can provide.

First, do you have any support system? You need to be able to talk to someone. Lots of people use this forum to vent too, but sometimes it helps to hear another person's voice. The Alzheimer's Association has a 24 hour hotline. They were not that helpful when we called to ask about specific resources over the phone, but they were really kind and understanding and said they take calls from caregivers who have questions about Alzheimer's or just need to vent. Their number is 1 (800) 272-3900.

Second the five year spend down is just to qualify for Medicaid. You can move your dad to Assisted Living with memory care or a nursing home as long as he has funds to pay. Medicaid will not pay for Assisted Living, but your state may have a Medicaid waiver program if he needs it to pay for the assistance while he pays for room and board. If you are thinking of moving him, a lot of what is available just depends on his finances. Does he own or rent or live in your home? Does he have significant savings? Is he a veteran?

It is really, really hard to care for a person with dementia even when you love them very deeply and they have been an awesome parent or spouse. But when you have a dysfunctional relationship with the person it adds an extra layer of difficulty. Your dad will drive you nuts, and will exhaust you. It sounds like he made a decision to give very little effort to being a dad. The fact that you are looking out for his well-being is more than what you owe him. It is possible to find other means of care for him and maybe it is better just to help him manage his care and check on him without being his full-time caregiver.

My grandpa is probably about at your dad's level of dementia. When he was living at home, EVERY time he was left alone he started finding trouble. He also "shadowed" my mom, especially in the evening. He is now in a nursing care. At this stage you need round the care help for him.



Now, I did read part of the posts-the one above.
Can someone give Glenda immediate advice about techniques to deal with some of the behaviors? For example, I was struck by the idea that her Dad was maybe talking about himself-"so I won't soil my pants", but he maybe cannot say it right.
Whenever he is at the bathroom door, take him into the bathroom, show him the toilet, state simply, go to the bathroom; or then to the sink, brush your teeth. (Still, leaving him in there with the door closed.)
Think: When he says something, receive it as if he is saying "I want to do this", instead of he wants you to do this.
When he says, "Come watch T.V.", take him to the t.v., make him comfortable, as he is getting settled, ask if he wants a snack, say I will bring it to you. You go, bring him the snack. Drop it off to him. Plan to be present again to change the channel when its over. It will be a good sign if he can be distracted by a t.v. show.

This may be a start to ease your mind-betting you did not expect this level of care and need. Feed him whenever he asks if you want to eat. I don't think he meant what he has said about you. If he is concerned you have wandered off, it may mean he has wandered off-talk to some neighbors.
Just offering some ideas-not proven, but others may know what I am suggesting to get by until you can get help.
when its over.
Did not write "when its over", don't know how that got there.
I started to write several times but there is just so much to respond to.
I got the impression he was thinking the poster was still a child and needed to do what she was told... what to eat, when to eat it, what to do. And when she went out he called the cops because he couldn't comprehend that she could look after herself. Mind you I didn't read every word so I could be wrong.

What IS obvious is that he is either seriously demented or mentally ill. How the OP got into this living arrangement without realizing the extent of his impairment is a mystery, but she needs to educate herself fast because you can't reason with it.
Lindylu gives some good advice, I would second that he needs a diagnosis and AL, and that he use whatever assets he has to private pay as long as he can.
cwillie,

I know I wrote a lot. Your observations in the first paragraph are what I'm thinking is what is going on.

He was not like this before I moved in, he had some mental impairment, but all of these disturbing behaviors started after I moved in last saturday. I think that the move triggered something. I had no choice but to move back home, I couldn't get a job and have no money to pay rent. He is better today, he's not doing those behaviors.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

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