My family thinks I pushed my parents out of my house.

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My dad and my mother in law are a couple living with me, my husband and my only child (12 years old boy), since 2004. My dad is very helpfull, he cooks, do the garden some times and is allways ready to help. My mother in law is messy, lazy and has their bedroom packed with food and stuff that they do not need. It is very difficult to live with her and she always are ready to tell her friends and my sister in law about what ever happens at home. I do not want to live with her but I love my husband and my dad too and because of them I have been in that situation for 4 years. Now they decided to move out for a very clean and good assisted living facility but I think my dad is very depressed...I feel myself very guilty because I am hurting my dad and everybody in my family, even my husband, believes that I were pushing then to move out. I feel a real pain in my chest when I think about it...what can I do?


first of all lady, it is not a bad thing to want to have your life. i have been caring for my mom for over 6 years, and it is not fun at all. I have no privacy, and anything i do or say is told to anyone who will listen. Do not feel guilty, and dont let the others make you feel that way. If they think you are so bad, let them let the couple move in with them for a while. And, though maybe your dad doesnt want to leave your home, once they get to the residential living center, he will probably be quite happy. I only wish i had sent my mom to one when she was able to care for herself to an extent, which she is not able to at this point. It was not your decision for them to leave, and even if you suggested it, you have nothing to regret. YOU DESERVE YOUR HOME AND YOUR CHILD AND YOUR HUSBAND TO YOURSELF, and that is not being selfish, it is the way the world works.
Thank you Shadyldy, now I am feeling better, today I was not able to be concentrated at work...God bless you!
3930 helpful answers
You are doing the right thing for them as well as you, your husband and child. Four years is a long time to tolerate that kind of stress, and your child can feel it, on some level. Once your MIL and your dad move, they will struggle a bit and then find friends and enjoy themselves. I think your dad will do very well, as he seems willing to try his best, whatever the circumstances. He may be a little depressed now, because he's leaving you and because change is always hard. But he will adjust and likely thrive.

Your MIL may find friends and do well, or she may have the personality of someone who refuses to be happy with any circumstances. If that is how she is, it's not your fault and not your problem. Do your best (as I'm sure you are doing) to be supportive throughout the move. Visit and talk with the administrators of the assisted living center if you see adjustments problems. Make friends with the social workers. They can help.

Do not blame yourself. You've done all you can, and more. Your health is important. Your husband will soon see how much better everyone is. This will take time, so stick to your guns, but be kind. Just keep repeating to yourself and others - they will be much better off with people on call 24 hours a day. They have their own space and can make friends with peers. This is a good move - literally.

Keep checking in. We'll be waiting to support you.
Thank you Carol, I appreciate your advice, is a great help for me and my family.
Please don't blame yourself, my wife and i are in a similar situation, and are looking for an assisted living home for her father. We are at our wits end all of the time, and its not getting better. we all have too much guilt over issues that we have no control over. Get your life back, you all deserve it. God Bless
3930 helpful answers
Good for you, David. You and your wife deserve it, too. Caregiver guilt is so huge, and most of us don't deserve it. We do our best, but we can't make people younger or cure incurable diseases. A human body and a human family can only do so much before splintering. Good luck in finding an assisted living home to help with the caregiving. You'll still be able to visit. Let let the paid staff do the other stuff, so your visits can be fruitful, rather than stressed.

Sweetheart don't feel bad. My husband's grandfather had a strock and could not live alone. Now my husband's mother was pasted before I ever meet him, but this man had two other daughters and two other grandchildren to look after him and they do not have what we have at home. They would not touch him, and turned on us for helping him. My husband asked if we could move him in. I told him we could try it. Granddad had lost the use of his left side and could not do a good many things for himselve. He had trouble sleeping and would roam the halls trying to find the bathroom. One time my husband went in his room to find him nude just lying on the floor. I went into deeper depression and told him I could not have this. I felt so guilty, but I had to have my daughter look her door at night because I did not know if he would wonder in there. I wound up in a mential hospital and granddad was moved out.

You have to take care of you so that you can take care of your family. My favorite cartoon is a little lady walking with a basket of laundy on her head and it is raining and muddy. She looks up and says "God I know you won't put more on me than I can handle, but could you think a little less of me?" You are doing right!

In Christian Love,
Susan Myers
thankyou all of you for your supportive words, that is priceless!!!
To tell you the history shortly, they are already living in the assisted living Facility. That place is great for them, because is clean, painted, decorated, full of sun light, well maintained and full of activities for their ages. They do not have to cook because they have a good balanced meal served 3 times a day in the dining room. They also do not have to wash their clothes and clean the place, once week housekeeping is coming to do the job. Is like to live in a hotel playing dominoes and cards, washing movies, exercising or going to concerts. The place is in front to a Walgreens and Publix and has a Catholic Church nearby. We helped them to move out last Friday, and we are doing whatever they need to have them comfortable and "at home". In addition, we are looking forward to decorate their two rooms and their own bathroom. They also have a living room and a kitchen to share with another person.
I also found out that my mom’s beautician (like family for us) have her daughter as the Maintenance Supervisor in that Assisted Living facility, and she was so happy to see me again (I was seventeen the last time we saw each other) and me too, what a coincidence, right? For me is as if God is in charge of the situation. She helped us a lot the day of the moving and every day she visit them to see what is going on and I am sure she will be there for them if they need her.
Now about our family and relatives:
My sister in law has not called us anymore, but she is going some times to visit them, which is good and can help them to deal with the first days of their new life. Her youngest child went to paint our Parents’ place and did it so good.
My Mother in Law is doing better than my Dad; her sister is living there since 2006, and is very popular because she plays piano like a master, so is easy for her to make friends, and she is helping to introduce them to the crew. My Mother in Law’s social life is coming back.
On the other hand every time we go see them, my Dad starts to complain about the others persons that share their dining table, or about anything no matter what. That is not his style, so I believe he does not like the place and I think too that he was expecting a “Please do not move out” from my husband and me. Now he feels himself betrayed by me, and the worse of all is that looks like I am losing him.
I hope this feeling is going to desapear with the time, but who knows. At least they are trying, if they do not like the place they know they can come back home any time. It is matter of trying and be open to the change.

It should get easier. She does not have you to let out her frustration out on 24/7, do you think he might be getting it now?

I will continue to pray for all of my new friends. You are going in the right direction ladymom59. Just don't let your mind think the worst, when it is so good for them to be around people that they can socialize with.

3930 helpful answers
Susan has a point - maybe your dad is receiving the verbal abuse you got.

But I do think he'll get better. He has to make an adjustment. Even though my mom made the decision to go to the nursing home (where my dad was), and she knew everyone there, and she needed to be there, once the move was made she was angry for a few weeks. Slowly she adjusted. Hopefully, your dad will wander about on his own and make some men friends. Are there any groups of menwith similar interests? If he were invited by a man go join in, that may help.

Anyway, you did the right thing. There was no other choice. Don't lose sight of that.


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