Family only cares when they want to.

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My husband and I have been married almost 19 years. His daughter moved in with us about 4 years ago. Don't want to go there on how it happened. My discussion is this: I guess Family Members only care about their family when THEY want to. One day, she's real enthusiastic with her Dad about football and/or Wheel of Fortune in tv. Man, she's really into it! Next day, nada, nothing. No wanting or showing any desire to enter into these two things. I'd thought living under the same roof, this would not happen. I do know that if the family doesn't live in the same house, that family seems to ignore situations and things. But living under the same roof??????? Thank you for "listening".


Can you give a little more info? How old is the daughter and how old is your husband? Does your husband have health or mental conditions that can make communicating with him a challenge and/or does she? While you don't want to go into why she moved in - is she overwhelmed with problems of her own? Does the daughter work or is she home all day? At least for me, knowing a few more details would help in making comments/suggestions.
Thank you, Rainmom. Daughter is 65. Hubby is 92 and I'm 73. He has type 2 Diabetes and dementia. Pretty dog gone healthy! because we keep his diabetes in check. The dementia is the challenge. She communicates with him ok. She realizes that her Dad is sick. Why she moved in? No place else to go. On Medicad and now Medicare (or however that works). Has longtime boyfriend who lives out of state. They see each other about 4 - 5 times a year. His siblings who also live there don't want her to live there. She is fully functional. Doesn't work because BF takes care of her. Eats, sleeps, and goes places including doctors in Los Angeles area. We live about a good 60 miles from there. She just has a mind of her own. She helps in taking out the trash and keeping the kitchen sink look nice. I will say one thing is that if I need to go some place, I do ask her to make sure she'll be here for a while to watch her Dad. About once every 2 weeks they'll go to lunch. That's about it. She's not overweight or sloppy. Does her own laundry and keeps her room clean and also the bathroom she uses, she maintains. I listen to ideas that she has. Some are good. I just can't see why she's not reliable and consistent. But, she's been that way all her life according to her sibling. Sorry for the long one. I guess that, like I said last night, Family Members only care about their family when THEY want to. Tnx. Off to breakfast.. Hubby still fixes his own. He still has his ego he wants to fill. And that's very ok.
Oops, forgot to mention the most important part of his Daughter living here. Before Hubby and I met, he bought a house and set it up for children to have when he died. It was duly noted in prenups for us. So, Hubby and I both know and have acknowledged that she moved back in here 'cause she knows when he dies, the house is hers. Now before you all wonder about me----Hubby has taken well care of me and I have made provisions for myself when he dies. So, I'm ok with living alone when I'm a widow.
Sounds like she makes a conscious effort to connect with her dad occasionally, but can't pull it off 24/7, that's OK, it can be tiring to be "up" for someone with dementia, and not everyone is cut out for that.You imply daughter is tidy, polite, and will stay with dad to give you a break. The fact that she's living with you at all seems to be the main problem, but it doesn't look like she's going anywhere any time soon. Thinking of her as a good boarder rather than family may help, all in all you seem to get along together quite well. Does she contribute to household expenses at all?
I guess my question is: Is the daughter's behavior bothering your husband? And if not, why does it bother you? It doesn't sound from what you said that the daughter is giving you much trouble, and she is helpful to some extent. She seems to be a caring daughter. If she sometimes wants to watch TV and sometimes doesn't, I'm not sure why that's a problem.
cwillie She'll buy some fruit or milk sometimes. Can't afford rent, so she says. I'm angry because she could make money working as she's capable. Look, all, I love her because she's a child of God. I don't like her because she's unreliable and sneaky.
CarlaCB. Yes, her behavior does bother him. Ok, I understand what you say. What's sad is that she gets him all hyped to watch something then is not around when the show is on.
I'm tired. Neither Hubby or I want her here; but it is what it is.
Your husband is in his 90s with two major health compromises. His free-wheelin' daughter with nothing but time on her hands moves in NOT to spend more time with him in his final years.....NOT to help you with caregiving (which will become increasingly difficult).....but because she has "no place else to go." Sweet Jesus. Wheel Of Fortune is the least of your problems. And stop giving a grown-ass woman props for wiping the sink and taking out the trash. I was doing that in grade school, and so were you. Your choice to not make waves is wise. Now I challenge you to take it one step further: Keep your mouth shut AND keep your eyes and ears wide open. Even if daughter is relatively pleasant, she is a user. And sneaky how?? Sneaks money out of the cookie jar? Sneaks Dad's painkillers?Sneaks out to the bar or casino? Sneaks off with men? This is a mess in the making. Even if it's all "live and let live" now, your status will be less than zero the minute the hearse pulls away. Are you 100% sure you can live independently IMMEDIATELY after your husband passes? If your widowhood move-out plan was calculated and funded using real estate prices from 20 years ago, you'll come up short when it's time to bust a move. Way short. You agreed to this arrangement when you were in your 50s -- still in your earning years. In your 70s and beyond: income is frozen and medical bills pop up, while the cost of necessities and real estate skyrockets. You'll need to pay professional movers, too. The "rent a U-Haul and buy my friends a pizza" years are long behind you. And not only do you need to make sure your nest egg is adequate; you need to make sure it's actually yours. "Sneaky" daughter has all the earmarks of the prodigal child who sweet-talks Dementia Dad into changing POA, adding her name to accounts, changing life insurance beneficiaries to her, etc. Protect yourself.
Cheyenne - I'm understanding the situation a little better after your last post. I didn't realize she was building up expectations in her father and then letting him down, or that neither you nor your husband want her there. So can you get her to leave? It's not her home after all, as long as her father is alive. Can you give her a few weeks notice and say you want to have privacy in your home with your husband for the rest of his life, or you need the space to bring in a genuine live-in caregiver for him?
Black Hole: Step-Daughter doesn't sneak out money or pills. She just keeps check on our monies. We do keep everything hidden as much as possible. What she does when she leaves here, who knows & we don't care to know. You say "Even if it's all "live and let live" now, your status will be less than zero the minute the hearse pulls away." and you are 110% right. I do have a lady who will be helping me with the will and finances!
Over my dead body, Step-daughter will change the POA or change insurance beneficiaries. She's already has her Dad's name on her checking account. Working on that on how to get it off.
ClaraCB. We could get her to leave; but, where would she go? No one wants her including her sibling. So, we let her stay. No, I'm not on my pity pot for that thought. I know we are enablers for this one part. God is helping us cope. Hubby and I both know about co-dependency because both of our spouses were alcoholics.
CarlaCB Don't need the space for a live-in caregiver --- yet. Don't think we'll need that for quite a while as Hubby is still mobile like he was 5 years ago.

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