Fallout from threatening to leave.

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I finally told my parents that I am so worn out and sick that I am considering getting an apartment. Background: I am the 'problem child' of the family and my siblings are the royalty. I do get some thanks for what I do, but the others get most of the praise for even the smallest actions that they do. The majority of the care has fell to me - while the others are out having a good time and enjoying activities, I am here often having to fix the dripping faucet, pick up fallen limbs, go to appointments, look after medicines, and get them through illnesses - and deal with negative behavior.

Since I also have some health problems, I am too tired even when I do get a little spare time to participate in anything. I just got one parent through a severe cold, and then siblings come in coughing and sneezing..... and they have no concern about either parent getting their sickness. This type of thoughtless behavior runs rampant in my family. I was told to use ' me sentences' to let them know that a behavior hurt me - but I just get blank looks, with no response at all. My father does seem to have some guilt, but my mother does not care. There are also no boundaries in my family, and I was often told that the family problems were my fault - until a psychiatrist told me that it was a bold faced lie.

So... now that I have mentioned that I want to go on a waiting list for a place, my father keeps coming to me, crying, and begging me not to leave them. Same father who did not want to hear any of my problems when I was a kid. ( Also reminded of how his sister said their dad would cry whenever he wanted one of the kids to turn over their paycheck to him) In his later years, he has
tried to apologize for the benevolent neglect and do somewhat better.

My problem is that I am now in such bad shape that I have had to depend on them for financial help. I think that this is one reason the others show little respect - they tie my self worth in with what type of job and your status in the community. I feel invisible sometimes.
I also know that everyone who knows my family will be blasting me to high heaven for 'abandoning my parents.' I have already heard the minister say that he likes my siblings, but not me. (Since I am the problem child this is not shocking that I would be 'so heartless.')

I would be able to tolerate it if they would just treat their children the same and demand that I get help more often, and actually treat me with a little respect. When I said that I am doing most of the work, they just agree that it's true, but offer no solution. "Well that's just the way your brother is.' Or they will turn it around so that THEY are at a disadvantage because I am the one doing the most.
Yeah, right.
In my town, the waiting list for apartments for elderly or disabled are long because there are so few places ...it could be a long wait.
Sorry for such a complicated rant.


Put your name on the waiting list for subsidized housing. On the other hand, don't keep bringing it up. Wait silently. Go swiftly. You have done your part.
I agree with Pam totally. But it's not clear from what you said whether you can actually afford to move out without relying on financial help from your parents. And, it's not clear whether that help would continue if you were to move out. If you need the financial help and if it would dry out if you left, then moving out may not be the way to go. Getting your financial ducks in a row may have to be the first step.
Money is so important in my family that my mother wants to get a trust set up - wouldn't be a huge amount - for me (to compensate me for my trouble, I suppose) My father wants nothing to do with it. Sad to think that money is supposed to somehow take the place of feeling unsupported, but I guess this is what I've been dealt. I really think that my mother doesn't believe me about moving out. I feel like everyone has me exactly where they want me, and I have no choice about anything.
I am not an attorney, but if either of your parents would need Medicaid down the road, depending on the type of Trust that is made, that money could go back to your parents for them to use to bring down the dollar amount of their assets.... said money would be for their care only.

As for you threatening to leave, I know this is family, but if this was outside employment would you stay under the same conditions? Of course not. Everyone gets burnt out doing caregiving, and that is what is happening to you. Time for the changing of the guard, either your siblings step in to help or your parents hire caregivers.
wow, Sounds like that sinister minister is the one who needs to be going to church. Get out of there asap.
Don't say you want to find your own place. Just do it. Even if relations between you and your parents & sibs improve, make it a priority to move. A studio, a room where you can finally be at peace; doesn't matter if it's a little dumpy and you have to scrape for the rent.

Move out a few belongings at a time, and not a word to anyone. The moment you're ready to take off and not look back, give your parents a one week's notice. Your sibs are going to scream bloody murder, but who gives a s__?

If you decide, however, that you're too financially beholden to your parents then bite your lip and keep living like a doormat. If you go, they'll resent you; if you stay, they'll keep treating you like a doormat and expect you to be grateful.

It's time you respect yourself.

Actions speak louder than words. You can do it. Go to a shelter if you have to, then transition to a place of your own. You will be surprised at how well you do.
1) Get on any list you can for housing. Yes, the lists are long, but sometimes people on them have made other arrangements by the time their name comes up, so you won't really be waiting until every one ahead of you is placed.

2) Change churches! Or drop church altogether -- whichever feels more genuine to you.

3) Are you eligible for Disability? I would make an appointment with Human Services and go in for a needs assessment. If you are eligible for ANY assistance, take it!

4) Accept that your family is going to go nuts over this. You are the problem child and also the doormat. How dare you stick up for yourself? That is their problem, and if they can't deal with it they should go into therapy. Expect their bad behavior, but don't let it stop you.

5) I know that you are not well and have little energy, but consider a part time job. It will do wonders for your self-esteem. Just do it. And tell your family your hours. If you work from 9 to 1, if your parents have an urgent need during those hours, they'll just have to call the royalty kids, or 911. And if you are tired when you get home from work, see that they have what they need and then go to your room to relax for an hour.

People can only take advantage of you with your permission. Stop giving permission.
By the way, you are not "threatening" to leave. You are "planning" to leave. And you don't have to discuss it with them until it is time to give notice.
The only money I get is SSI. I did find out that I am eligible for a couple of apartment complexes now based on my age - would be the youngest one there, I guess - but I have added my name to the list for some new apartments about fifteen miles away. They won't tell you how long their list is.

I have had no help at all from the local vocational rehab about finding a part time job. I have a BA degree, and they wanted to put me in a McDonald's cleaning the tables.

I have other family using the old 'dangle money as a carrot' type of thing to try and get me to agree that I will ALSO look after them... I swear I have crazy relatives. I said 'well, a gift with strings attached is no gift at all.' Clearly even my extended family does not care if I have a half way full life or not - it's always all about them.

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