Extremely frustrated caregiver UPDATE.

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A few months ago (I think), I posted about taking care of my husband's landlord, who has cancer. So much has happened since then, and I need to get it out!
First off, he had been complaining about abdominal pain for several weeks. He refused (as usual) to see a doctor, and continue taking his crap internet "protocol" instead. Well, the second to last week of June, it all came to a head so to speak. He was having extreme pain, and couldn't hardly move around. We finally convinced him to see a doctor, but he insisted we drive 2 hours away to see one. So we load up, him, his girlfriend, hubby and myself, and hit the road. We arrive at the emergency room at 6pm, on a Friday evening. After numerous tests, it's revealed that he has a ruptured colon, and severe blood poisoning. Doctors say he needs emergency surgery and a colostomy. He promptly refuses. Says he wants a second opinion. Another doctor comes in, looks at the test results, and tells him the same thing. He refuses again, and asks for a THIRD doctor. Doctor 3 comes in, of course, and says the same thing. Again, he refuses. The doctors tell him that without the surgery, he will die of blood poisoning. He says he will not die in the hospital, he wants to die at home. After hours of arguing, he ends up signing himself out of the hospital, AGAINST MEDICAL ADVICE! We took him home, and prepared for the worst.
Two days later, he decided to have the surgery. On Sunday. Father's Day. So back to the ER we go, and he has surgery.
He stays in the hospital for 6 days, refusing to discuss hospice or home health. They didn't want to release him without some kind of plan in place. He once again signs himself out, against medical advice.
We go home. He has started hallucinating at night, but is fairly lucid during the day. He has fallen several times, but continues to refuse to let us call in any help. Yesterday, I stepped out for a couple hours to get some rest, and his girlfriend calls in a panic. He was sure his barn was on fire, and insisted on taking his ATV and going to check. She tried stopping him, and he all but pushed her out of the way, and went! He fell on his way back into the house, which is about the time I arrived.
This has become an absolute nightmare!
Today, we are returning to where he had surgery, he has a checkup tomorrow. I am staying here full time now, because his girlfriend isn't mentally stable herself, and she can't handle any of this.
Our goal is to have his doctor declare him incapable tomorrow so that my husband kicks in as power of attorney, but we aren't sure that will happen. This man has moments of clarity still, and he can hide his confusion relatively well. Being around him 24 hours a day, we can tell, but I think he could put on a good enough show as to fool a doctor for 15 minutes.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to what we could do?
Either way, I just needed to get this out!


Tell his doctors and social services at the hospital there is no one at home to take care of him. If the gf is brought up. Let them know she is also unable to do the caregiving he needs. They will get him admitted somewhere. Do not bring him back to his house! Just because someone releases themselves from the hospital, you have no obligation to provide taxi service. You are enabling his behavior.
Please get Social Services in the mix. He needs an emergency Guardian, a Will and a set of Advanced Directives, also known as a MOLST form. He's on his way out and he intends to do this without a lot of intervention. God Bless you for caring.
Cat, I seem to recall that you are an RN. Are you putting your licence in danger by enabling his crazy behavior?
When you get to the hospital, one of you needs to go to the Social Services department and explain what has happened. The hospital should be able to figure out how to file for an emergency guardianship.

He has a plan, and it is you and your husband to take care of him, his way, at home. With the girlfriend in the mix, this has become an untenable situation.
Your choices are: Demand that the girlfriend leave, (tell her), or you will discharge him from your care. Point out to her she is not qualified, there is no home or money for her when he dies, and that has all been taken care of by him, in writing, in advance. Don't share too much financial info, but that you have ?POA?, and are under strict orders from him to follow his instructions.
If he changes his mind, I could have seen that coming when she recently moved in. A) medical. B) financial. Separate the two.
Welcome back. Take care of yourself and your husband. Has this caregiving caused any trouble between the two of you yet?
Cat, take him to ER, see social worker, tell the story, and leave him to fend for himself. Do not go back to pick him up! The blood poisoning is probably causing brain malfunction, he can no longer think clearly.
Ok, here's the deal. Hubby has power of attorney once this man is deemed incapable, or agrees to sign the paper.
Two- the girlfriend IS getting a substantial amount of money, AND his other house. We inherit the ranch, which is worth several millions. The will, trust, living will, and advanced directives are all completed and filed.

Are you saying that because you will inherit that you will continue to help him in any way you can? Are you afraid he may change the will? He may not be competent to do that. Your responsibility as POA is that you are to provide the care he needs, not personally, but find a way for him to be cared for by professionals. Read the POA. Doesn't it include a clause that your hubby has the responsibility to find suitable living and care arrangements?
Cat, if this gentlemen has a net worth of millions, he can surely afford to have paid professional around the clock caregivers. Whatever you do, do not become his 168 hour a week Caregiver, neither should his girlfriend. No inheritance is worth that.

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