My ex-girlfriend's step-dad passed away and I've been caring for her mom for 3 months. She's not helping out. I'm stuck. Help!

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My ex's mom is disabled and has dementia. She needs to be seen by a doctor and get approved for Medicaid. It took her daughter 2 months to finally complete the app and has since ben denied. The daughter is not helping out at all. I am commuting back home once or twice a week and having to pay for a caregiver in order to do this. I have helped them both as much as I can. They act like I will be here forever to take care of her instead of addressing what really needs to be done. Her daughter has chronic back pain etc and not able/should not lift her. I feel sorry for both of them. But feel like I've done all I can. I help her pay her bills, pay for groceries, repairs to the house, etc. I feel so used. No one else in her family is capable of helping her. Twin sister not able. Brother not able. Daughter not able. It aggrevates me she can spend money to go shopping but doesn't help me with a thing. Her daughter hasn't work for 4 years, has no insurance and i continue to pay her expenses, now her moms. It's got to stop. Every time I try to address it in a conversation she gets angry(daughter). I am at the end of my rope. help! The woman that's been helping 1 to 2 times a week has quit several times and now has quit again. My job at work was eliminated effective 1/31 and I have been here since 2/1 (and off and on after her husband passed between 1/21-2/1. ) I have had 3 job offers but can't take the job. I can't draw unemployment because I am not able to work. I am at a loss.

6 Comments

I sounds like you are one compassionate guy!

You have already gone above and beyond what an "ex" should be expected to do. I assume the breakup was amiable and that you liked/like the mother. It is awesome that you have gone so far out of your way to help friends.

But you are also enabling the daughters to shirk their own responsibilities. Why should they have to work harder at making other arrangements? You are there.

Do you think maybe you have crossed the line between Compassionate Friend and Doormat? They lost their father recently. They may not have come to terms with the new realities yet, but they are not likely to when you've made it so convenient for them to ignore it.

If Mom has too many assets to qualify for Medicaid, then the assets should be spent down for her care. Accepting money from you is a cop out. Going through the application process can be brutal and exhausting. They can hire an attorney who specializes in Elder Law to set things up for Mom.

You need to accept a job, to avoid going through your savings, to continue to build a retireent fund for your own old age, and for the self esteem and independence it fosters.

And you need to withdraw from your "ex" family and start to establish new relationships. Not that you can't continue to be friends, but your lives are now too entangled, it seems to me, for you (and your ex) to make fresh starts.

My suggestion is for you to give notice that you are ending your caregiver (and Santa Claus) role. Don't walk out tomorrow -- give a few weeks for them to get their butts in gear and make other arrangements -- but don't make it open-ended, either. If you say, "I'll stay until you have other arrangements in place," I suspect those arrangements are going to be very slow to get made!

Give notice. Go back to work. Build a new social life.

Good luck!



Thank you for your reply! I've been looking for strength and courage to do so. I am a bit intimidated by her. I am scared she will try to do something legally to crush me in revenge. She has done this before. She is on so many different medications and is abusing pain meds. It's been pure hell for the past 3-5 years.
Thanks for taking the time to reply.it really helps.
You are a very kind, compassionate person...unfortunately people with those wonderful qualities can be taken advantage of. You have done so much for your ex GF's family...now it's time to take care of you. It's not easy when you are always doing for others, but you are having problems yourself. Protect yourself from your ex if you think she will get a little crazy when you stop helping her mom. I agree with the previous poster who said you need to get out into some new social circles...save some of you, for you! Good luck.
You've done more than enough already! Too many good people in this world get taken advantage of by those who use their best qualities. I think it might help if you get an objective third party involved by talking to your local Area Agency on Aging and explain the situation to them. Let them know that you need to disengage in the near future and someone official needs to be involved to help the transition. How do you think your ex-gf could harm you legally?
I agree with everything people have said. Accept the job offer that you like and get your life back in order. You are not being mean to your ex's family. You are being kind in giving the incentive to learn to stand on their own feet. You sound like a wonderful person. I hope that you can get your life on the track of your choosing. This situation with the ex's family sounds very unhealthy for you. Please let us know how things are going. All good thoughts coming your way.
Hi scampbell222, what a nice person you are! I agree with the previous posters. You need to make your needs known. Time to let the daughters take over. You did enough. Oh, and btw, I have some single girl friends , just saying'----nice guys are hard to find! ;0) good luck!

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