"Everything will be equal," my parents said, but...

Talking medicaid, have your parents seen an Elder Law Attorney? If not make it happen..

It's not your siblings who will be effected when your parents apply for medicaid.. It's obvious they won't give back the money when your parents have to private pay for a nursing home.. Tell your parents this has to stop!

But when you are at Attorneys have him write up a caregiver agreement so you are compensated for the care you give them..

I'm not sure about the Medicaid issue, but since my involvement escalated ten-fold last fall, I've begun reimbursing myself for expenses. These include: gas (r/t 300 miles for each visit), UPS postage every week (I handle her mail), and anything else I need to purchase, related to her care. I keep all receipts, and make out proper expense reports every month. I don't get paid back for the vacation days I need to use each time though. Scowl...

Medicaid expects applicants to be using their money for their own needs and care. They can certainly pay you for your help. In order for this not to be viewed as a "gift" have a personal care agreement in place, spelling out what you do and what they pay.

The travel money is a gray area. I'm not sure how Medicaid would view that. When your parents apply for Mediciad, if the money to your siblings is considered a gift your siblings won't be in trouble -- your parents will. The penalty for giving away assets that could have been used for care is a delay in Medicaid eligibility.

The situation you describe is absolutely unequal and unfair. This is one of the reasons I think adults who provide care for their parents should be paid. It helps keep things more fair among siblings.

It seems tacky that your siblings would ask your folks for money to visit them. In addition, I think you should either be paid or have more of the inheritance go to you. It would be honorable of your siblings to ask your folks that they get a reduced amount of the inheritance since they don't help out. I realize that they live out of town and cannot help out, but they still should not get as much money as you. It may be wise to have a family meeting with your parents and siblings, so that everything is up for discussion.

I would try to tackle this with your mom as expense reimbursement/minimal payment for services rendered. It is sad that it comes to this, but it doesn't seem fair as it is. You and your husband are doing all of the work and your siblings are getting their "expenses" reimbursed and you aren't.

It'd be a good idea to have a meeting with an elder care attorney to get things set up so you and DH can be compensated now for your efforts and expenses without creating a problem later with Medicaid. And at the same time, you can get a determination from a professional about the siblings' travel money. As they are coming to visit, I suspect Medicaid would regard this as a gift, not a care issue. As for the everything will be divided equal, that sounds great ...until they need more care, they start paying facilities and the money gets used for their care.

I just learned that my parents' attorney is a Patent/Intellectual Property expert. Their firm is in no way related to Elder Care!
But, Sis went to college with one of the lawyers, so that is why my parents "chose" them. I should say the obvious-- this sounds really NOT the way to pick an attorney practice!

shakingdustoff, the reason my parents want to stay in their current home (even tho Dad has dementia) is it has all the family memories, of when the kids were young, etc. Also, there really is no "cheaper" rental housing for seniors. Currently it is "cheaper" for them to have in-home caregivers (including me that is free). We did look at a few places, but none of them had laundry in the unit, you had to go down the hall with all your heavy laundry bags and pay coins into the pay-washer. Mom has nothing else to do but do laundry every day so she washes all the bed sheets, towels, you name it (maybe she is getting a break from Dad by turning on the washer/dryer!).

Prettygood, please ignore Dusty. Dusty does not represent what AC is about. We are here to support our fellow caregivers.. Hugs to you...

There is nothing all equal anywhere in this old world. I cannot imagine asking parents to pay their adult children's' travel expenses much less put on a roof.

You are another story. You take time from your job and your family, you travel, and along with hubby do household maintenance plus care for your parents. Get yourself to an elder lawyer and draw up necessary papers to have yourself paid for what you are doing. There is info on this forum about that very thing.

I really hope when the other siblings visit you disappear and let them completely take care of Mom and Dad. Best wishes!

Pretty good, we all (mostly) ignore "dusty". She likes to start trouble, instead of supporting the caregivers. There are plenty of knowledgeable and NICE ppl here. Please don't judge us on her remarks.

Assandache, jeanniegibbs always give great advice here, as do many others. I agree about seeing an Elder lawyer asap. God luck and God bless.
When you need a laugh, look up...."you know you're a caregiver if " and " whats the funniest thing your care receiver has said lately."

Shame on your siblings really! What is wrong with people? And i thought mine were bad?

PrettyGood, I was shocked to read that your sister chose an IP attorney to handle your parents' estate planning needs. IP is a highly specific practice area of law with absolutely no base for handling elder law issues. It's so specific that in our area only staff with IP experience are hired by some law firms - longevity in law makes no difference.

Do your parents have any trusted confidants, pastor/priest, someone who can explain to them that they need an elder law attorney specifically? Perhaps you or such a confidant can use an analogy such as, you wouldn't hire an electrician to change a faucet or do plumbing, nor would you hire a plumber to reroof the house. These, as are elder law and IP law, very distinct practices.

I think you and DH might want to agree on just exactly what you'll do and what you won't (emptying mouse traps - that sounds like a insult job!). Sit down with your parents and tell them you've worked out a plan that would benefit all, that you'll handle a - g tasks, but that you can't continue to do it without financial compensation, particularly since your siblings don't pitch in.

If they disagree, be emphatic that you have to limit, and CONTINUE to limit your role. You can help them find outside help (for which they'll have to pay), but you just can't be mouse trap emptiers any more!

If they object that siblings won't come to visit w/o being reimbursed for expenses, suggest that since the siblings get reimbursed, they should take over your duties while there and give you and DH relief.

It's only equitable that the adult children share in the tasks, one way or other, but certainly not equitable that they're paid to visit.

A person that lives out of state, should not be POA. In fact, some states don't allow it.

Your case, is exactly why I keep saying that the caregiver DOES need paid. If everything is equal, you should get the same amount of money as your siblings. You should be POA, but let me warn you, that is another thankless job.

I know that the ones who devote time to their aging parents often feel ignored and left out, while the absent ones seem to be appreciated more.. and the one being taken care of seems to light up when the absent ones appear and really do treat them like "royalty". It is happening in my family too. Is it because "Absence makes the heart grow fond"... or is it that the devoted ones are simply "taken advantage of"? If anyone can explain this; I would love to hear it.
I have heard some say that, "OH but you get to spend time with your aging parent!" I hear it loud and clear, but to feel like a devoted slave, changing diapers and doing the gritty-work; while twice-a-year-visiting-siblings receive the rewards just "seems" humiliating to me. Seeing the parent respond with charm and generosity, while being treated like Cinderella... by parent AND the visiting "Step-sisters" is a monstrous reach of family protocol. PrettyGood, I understand and relate to your feelings! Do whatever you must to preserve your dignity.

I agree Boni that Jeannegibbs always gives excellent advice..

I just hope Prettygood doesn't get discouraged with the likes of Dusty..

Hey Garden..again I have a question What is an IP lawyer.

Pretty Good, Please don't get discouraged with the likes of Dusty. I have been on so many sites like this and have left them behind for this one. It is by far the most caring, helpful and least judgemental of them all. Hang in there and good luck with the sibs.
I agree that you should get paid for your time. Don't know how you get around the Medicaid thing but someone here will know.
I feel bad for your Mom that she knows her children wont come unless paid. That must hurt. Why she cant see that you are there for her without payment is beyond me. Sorry for how you must hurt too.

Hey Garden... went back and read again.. I get it now.

A stand alone house can be a lot to maintain - that is why a lot of elders move into rental condos or apartments when they age - no more lawns to mow, when the plumbing goes out, they pick up the phone and someone else has to fix it. No maintenance worries at all. I understand what Dusty was trying to say, and don't see anything wrong with it. It is harder to keep someone in a single family home than it is a rental, where all the maintenance is done for you. Don't jump all over someone just because of who they are - think if you actually disagree with the message, first.

A "stand alone" house was not the issue. Re read the OP. And it's not only what you say, but the WAY ( condescending) you say it. It has nothing to do with any disagreement. Pay more attention to the posts.

Luanner, just to expand on your question...IP includes patent, trademark and copyright law - filing of patents, prosecution of infringement...all related to the Intellectual Property rights which accrue from creations.

It covers everything from technical and scientific creations to music, art, online postings, recipes, photography.

Unfortunately there's a lot of abuse which is hard to regulate. I know for a fact that recipes and cross stich patterns are freely copied and shared without any consideration for the IP issues.

Attorneys tend to abbreviate various practice area designations...Domestic Relations used to be DomRel, Auto Negligence is AutoNeg, Medical Malpractice is MedMal, etc.

Wow..I commend you and also my heart goes out to you. I hope your hubby stays
understanding...I live with mom so I am 24/7 nurse on call (I am a nurse)..Funny how they are clueless and dont care one bit about what we do for them...Keep moving forward! Best- Sandi W.

GA , tnx again.

Luanner, you're quite welcome.

Bonichak, are you addressing your comments to someone in particular?

Boni- I was paying attention to the posts - and I've seen her jumped on for seemingly trivial things before. I don't know what her past is here, but you guys seem to have it in for her. Maybe she sometimes says inappropriate things, I don't know. I didn't perceive this to be condescending or inappropriate at all - just a suggestion to check out rental units because her husband was being called for plumbing and was getting tired of it and thinking of refusing to take any more calls.

Sometimes people have their opinions on what a post "sounds" like by looking at who posted it. I don't have any preconceived notions about Dusty. If I've interacted with her before, I don't remember it (FibroFog can sometimes be a good thing :) ). I just know that I never like seeing what looks like a cyberbully situation, and what I've seen in the past few days, on this board, with people trying to drum Dusty off, bothers me. Everyone that is caregiver deserves support here. Not just those that you agree with.

GA - She was addressing it to me because I spoke up in defense of Dusty's comment.

Equillot, thanks for the explanation. Dusty seems to have 2, perhaps 3 personalities, one in which she rages about religious issues, another in which she articulates answers that I've often found reveal an insight which the religious Dusty cannot, and another identity as a career professional, actually with several careers.

I've found her rational answers to often be on point and sometimes insightful, but her religious answers are not. I think it's these religious and hellfire and damnation answers that offend most people - they don't provide any succinct or helpful suggestions. They’re rants, and they're offensive. And they don't reflect a true religious belief but rather a fanatic one.

When I write "religious", I'm not referring to comments such as "God bless you" or "I'll pray for you." Hers are wild comments which reflect an intensity that borders on what I'd consider to be delusional or irrational.

I've only been here a few months but found that the religious Dusty is similar to the angry Dusty in which she lashes out at her mother for a variety of abuses.

In addition, it’s hard to believe anything she writes about her personal and professional life, which lessens her credibility even in the rational posts. She states that she’s worked as stockbroker, researcher, in systems engineering and operations research. She claims to have several degrees.

She states that she’s homeless but living with her mother. She hates taking care of her mother but never states any plans for dealing with that hatred, for leaving and getting her own life again, for getting help for her mother. Just more rants. Does she just want sympathy? Who knows. Not me, that's for sure.

Personally I’m not sure if she does have multiple personalities or if she has multiple ONLINE personalities, called “socking”, in which someone assumes various identities and plays games with other posters on forums by pretending to be several different posters. Or maybe she's just another troll. Who knows?

I’ve tried to find some of her more wild posts so you can read them and see what offends us so much, but the search function on this forum isn’t target specific.

And speaking of targets, I've probably now put a target on my back by writing so bluntly so others can take pot shots at me if they want to.

No pot shots! Kudos for explaining it so well!

eguillot, You "jumped all over" several of us, without knowing the facts. Now you do.