"Everything will be equal," my parents said, but...

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All my siblings live out of state. They rarely visit. When they do visit, they either write themselves a check (Sis who is the POA) for their travel expenses, or before they even make a date to visit, they complain about how their jobs are not doing well, they need a new roof, etc "hint-hint" implying that they need money from Parents in order to come for a visit.
I live nearby, and always On-Call 24/7 for them, to take care of household issues, doctor visits, sudden ice cream cravings, etc. But I am never paid, once in awhile for a longer car trip they have given me $5.00 bill "for gas money."
Dad has dementia now, but in talking with Mom about how "un-equal" this feels to me, she seems to understand, but says the out-of-town siblings would never visit if they weren't paid.
My spouse is sick and tired of this "un-equal" system, and has greatly reduced what he is doing (no more midnight plumbing fixes, mouse-trap emptying, etc).
Mom has noticed that spouse is doing less and less. I tried to say, we're sort of tired of how "un-equal" things are.
My point is, if the other kids are getting thousands of dollars once a year to visit (on THEIR schedule) I would like to be paid for all my "travel" expenses for when it is not even MY schedule, it's when my parents WANT me to do something, whatever THEY want.
I feel like I'm a slave to their whims, and the siblings are treated like Royalty!
P.s. my spouse says, we can't be paid because of possible Medicaid lookback; but if that is true, wouldn't my siblings already be in trouble?


Talking medicaid, have your parents seen an Elder Law Attorney? If not make it happen..

It's not your siblings who will be effected when your parents apply for medicaid.. It's obvious they won't give back the money when your parents have to private pay for a nursing home.. Tell your parents this has to stop!

But when you are at Attorneys have him write up a caregiver agreement so you are compensated for the care you give them..
I'm not sure about the Medicaid issue, but since my involvement escalated ten-fold last fall, I've begun reimbursing myself for expenses. These include: gas (r/t 300 miles for each visit), UPS postage every week (I handle her mail), and anything else I need to purchase, related to her care. I keep all receipts, and make out proper expense reports every month. I don't get paid back for the vacation days I need to use each time though. Scowl...
Medicaid expects applicants to be using their money for their own needs and care. They can certainly pay you for your help. In order for this not to be viewed as a "gift" have a personal care agreement in place, spelling out what you do and what they pay.

The travel money is a gray area. I'm not sure how Medicaid would view that. When your parents apply for Mediciad, if the money to your siblings is considered a gift your siblings won't be in trouble -- your parents will. The penalty for giving away assets that could have been used for care is a delay in Medicaid eligibility.

The situation you describe is absolutely unequal and unfair. This is one of the reasons I think adults who provide care for their parents should be paid. It helps keep things more fair among siblings.
why don't you try moving them into cheaper housing, like a rental unit where maintenance is free and all they have to do is pick up the telephone to get it.
constantly amazes me how old people want to live in a stand alone house.
as a long term new yorker this is not only impractical, it's barbaric.
It seems tacky that your siblings would ask your folks for money to visit them. In addition, I think you should either be paid or have more of the inheritance go to you. It would be honorable of your siblings to ask your folks that they get a reduced amount of the inheritance since they don't help out. I realize that they live out of town and cannot help out, but they still should not get as much money as you. It may be wise to have a family meeting with your parents and siblings, so that everything is up for discussion.
I would try to tackle this with your mom as expense reimbursement/minimal payment for services rendered. It is sad that it comes to this, but it doesn't seem fair as it is. You and your husband are doing all of the work and your siblings are getting their "expenses" reimbursed and you aren't.
It'd be a good idea to have a meeting with an elder care attorney to get things set up so you and DH can be compensated now for your efforts and expenses without creating a problem later with Medicaid. And at the same time, you can get a determination from a professional about the siblings' travel money. As they are coming to visit, I suspect Medicaid would regard this as a gift, not a care issue. As for the everything will be divided equal, that sounds great ...until they need more care, they start paying facilities and the money gets used for their care.
I just learned that my parents' attorney is a Patent/Intellectual Property expert. Their firm is in no way related to Elder Care!
But, Sis went to college with one of the lawyers, so that is why my parents "chose" them. I should say the obvious-- this sounds really NOT the way to pick an attorney practice!
shakingdustoff, the reason my parents want to stay in their current home (even tho Dad has dementia) is it has all the family memories, of when the kids were young, etc. Also, there really is no "cheaper" rental housing for seniors. Currently it is "cheaper" for them to have in-home caregivers (including me that is free). We did look at a few places, but none of them had laundry in the unit, you had to go down the hall with all your heavy laundry bags and pay coins into the pay-washer. Mom has nothing else to do but do laundry every day so she washes all the bed sheets, towels, you name it (maybe she is getting a break from Dad by turning on the washer/dryer!).
Prettygood, please ignore Dusty. Dusty does not represent what AC is about. We are here to support our fellow caregivers.. Hugs to you...

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