Don't hate your siblings, everyone does not have caregiver qualities.

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I too have a brother that leaves it all to me, he is not mentally able. Can you find help thru friends or other family members?

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Oops NOT GIVING A *HIT...
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I'll let it slide a little on "not cut out".. But there's no excuse for NOT HELPING OUT... or NOT CALLING or NOT VISITING or GIVING A *HIT... etc, etc, etc......
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I sent an e-mail, friend is not computer literate after a nasty phone call, because that day they came to get their mother for a visit,missing an important doctor's visit, that was scheduled, people just do not know about the "show side" of Alzheimer's Disease or dementia, especially siblings that do not come often, but like every job, there should be the five day work week and weekends off.

"Smart people" should be aware that their parent needs help and someone has to do it, just not them, but because we take care of the parent does not make us less smart, maybe trapped, maybe never getting a break, but we are not less human beings for doing so, if anything, we are their angels on this earth...we have inner strength, integrity, trust, acquired abilities, and yes, I cannot take a two week vacation, unless I take her with me, but I find when we are on vacation she also is better relaxed and (and so am I) I sort of got away...

When I see the other siblings, I see them as the abuser's and/or neglector's that they really are, there isn't any excuse for not visiting a parent, even to take them out for lunch can be a help. He also has four siblings...their excuses are endless...
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I have 4 siblings, 2 of whom are totally out of the picture because of family squabbles. 1 is an alcoholic, married and divorced twice and was just diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver. 1 sibling comes to see my mom out of guilt every two months to take her to the lung doctor, shopping and out to eat. I am 53 yrs old stopped working two years ago when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Mom moved next to me 3 years ago. I have asked, begged and groveled to no avail. I am even more distant from my sibling who comes every three months. She went from working part time to full time when I found out I had cancer. She doesn't need the money. Her and her husband go on vacations all the time yet she tells me she's too busy to help out. The last time she saw my mom on a weekend was 2 years ago when I had a 75th b-day party for my mom. If I go on vacation I always have my mom in the back of my mind. In fact my mom is always on my mind. I have raised two children, helped care for my dying father and now care for mom. My husband retired at a young age last year and I wonder when I will have my own time to do the things I want to do when I want to do it. I just feel like I never get a break!
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One day I had just had enough I called my brother who lives in another state and started yelling about how useless all my siblings are including him. He said to me Hey not all of us are cut out for it but for some reason you are this is your calling sorry it is the burden that you carry but if it were up to any of the rest of us Mom and dad would be dead. I started laughing and crying all at once because I knew he was right. I still have feelings of resentment at times that is just being human..but more importantly I have a sense of pride and love and funny thing is truth be told I would not change places. My life,heart, and my home is filled with love what can be better than that.
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Think about it, not everyone is cut out to be a brain surgeon, to be a chef, to be a kindergarten teacher, to be a farmer, to be an actor or singer, etc. Same with being a caregiver.

If I was to be a full-time caregiver to my parents, it would be a great disservice to them. I can't change whom I am, I can't change my personality, I can't change the fact that I am old myself.
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Iwentanon, I'm really glad you came to the happy ending! - and I'm glad for your SO's mother that she's safe and well looked-after. I just can't help wondering how much trouble might have been avoided if it had been your SO who wrote to his sister, instead of dumping it on you.

My brother does this. I'm supposed to involve him in my mother's care. So I call him, or email him, or text him… and, when I get an answer at all, I get my SIL in my face, like some kind of sentry. Well. She may be trying to help. She may be all kinds of good things. But she's not my brother, and it's not her my mother wants involved in her life. Why can't he get his finger out enough just to answer me? I can't tell you how offensive, dismissive and frustrating it feels.
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Speaking about dementia I have taking the time to educate myself and learned to be patient..

Anyone with half a brain can do that...

I'm sure these individuals who are "not cut out" would classify themselves as smart educated people..

They just couldn't be bothered...
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Siblings that are not "caregivers" should not appoint themselves as POA's when they are not cut out to be caregivers. When I began this role, not knowing in 2006 that it would lead here, my friend's (his mother) siblings bullied me, terrorized me, etc.saying I was not needed

Below is correspondence to an unscheduled visit taking place, when I was taking our eighty seven year old to the doctor for my concerns about eighty seven year old's capacity.

Did you make your mothers appointment for the morning so we can still go? Your Mom always goes with Ilse to the doctor and she is available on Mondays or Thursdays to drive. To keep an eye on your mother and at her request, I have gone with your mother to the doctor for almost three years now. The least disturbed your mother is about going to the doctor the better for all concerned mostly her. Doctor is giving your Mom a referral for the neurologist this time. We are taking things slow as not to rattle your mothers cage. In most things your mother has made a great recovery.
Sieg and I cook for her, go to the store for her and when we have a chance, when she is not home, we clean for her.

We fail to understand why you are not corresponding with us and why you think it necessary to change things with a woman who is having problems with her short-term memory or going through her friends. Her friends are not responsible for her, her children are.

You send your mother into aggitation whether you understand it or not or if you know it or not. She will always answer the phone politely no matter how she is thinking at the moment. In case you did not know, we always know you have called or something has changed, by the way we see her act.

Why not call us...so we also know you are contemplating a change in your mothers schedule, as we change our schedules to accommodate your mother and her friends schedule.

We deal with your mother everyday and if you want a daily accounting let us know. We would be glad to keep you informed, otherwise we would like to be informed in advance when you are coming to get her so we do not cook for her or feed her before you are wanting to take your mother to lunch.

Also the advance notice would also mean that her daily planner is accurate as I direct her next day activities, the night before. It would be great to know in advance if we can make personal plans because we would know your mother is with you and we have time off. We like to keep your mother's life on an even keel, prepared and calm.

Their response:
My mother's appointment has been rescheduled and my sister and I will take her to see her doctor. (never happened) There is no way you have been taking her to her doctor for 3 years I have always taken her just not recently. How dare you accuse me of disturbing my mother you have nothing to say about when where or how I talk to my own mother. WHO MADE YOU IN CHARGE?????

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER ,ALL WE EVER REQUEST ED IS TO HAVE YOU MAKE SURE SHE TAKES HER MEDS (2008 request, but needed help since 2006) PROPERLY. That does not give you the right to control everything she does. She is more than capable of doing her own cooking and cleaning and if that's too much for her my sister and I will take care of that for her (never materialized). As you might also be aware she can handle a job on the weekend (with my help until 2009) and therefore is also capable of handling her own business as best as she can. ARE YOU NOT AWARE THAT SHE IS THE OWNER OF THE HOUSE (yes that is why we asked her permission and not yours) and you have obviously taken control (someone had to) without any of her or our PERMISSION.

Like it or not things are going to change (sold her building against her will, lied about the care she was receiving, sold her building against her will, put her in a nursing home one year later in 2011, had us thrown out for abuse even though there wasn't any) as I have heard that you are very CONTROLING of her and are also rude as well. She has her friends Ilse (still her friend) and Franz (turncoat and sexual predator))and he has said that he will watch over her as needed on a daily basis and you have nothing to say about that. Franz has been a close friend of the family for a very long time and she enjoys his company and has our blessings to be with her as much as he pleases and since the house belongs to her she doesn't need your or my brother's permission to have him over when she feels like it.

I am outraged at the letter you sent to me and if you think I have to answer to you or my brother about anything I do for or with my mother you are VERY MUCH MISTAKEN.

Except for my comments in parenthesis, this situation went to court where I am happy to say that in 2014, that she is still living with us, in a single family home with us caregivers, bank as POA of money, and a Guardian court appointed.

Yes people that aren't caregivers should step aside...
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I have to say my sister-in-law cares about her mother, my MIL. She even tries to please my MIL, who beats her up terribly with criticism. She obeys MIL's every demand, and by the end of the day she is totally exhausted and depressed. She can't handle more than one day a week of this.
She is not cut out to be a caregiver, nor is the patient easy to deal with. Some patients really do need Nurse Ratchet who will order them to take their pills and quit their bixxxing. I don't give in to my MIL at all, and I don't get backlash from her either. I really think the patient needs a "parent" who can control them.
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