I'll let it slide a little on "not cut out".. But there's no excuse for NOT HELPING OUT... or NOT CALLING or NOT VISITING or GIVING A *HIT... etc, etc, etc......
I sent an e-mail, friend is not computer literate after a nasty phone call, because that day they came to get their mother for a visit,missing an important doctor's visit, that was scheduled, people just do not know about the "show side" of Alzheimer's Disease or dementia, especially siblings that do not come often, but like every job, there should be the five day work week and weekends off.
"Smart people" should be aware that their parent needs help and someone has to do it, just not them, but because we take care of the parent does not make us less smart, maybe trapped, maybe never getting a break, but we are not less human beings for doing so, if anything, we are their angels on this earth...we have inner strength, integrity, trust, acquired abilities, and yes, I cannot take a two week vacation, unless I take her with me, but I find when we are on vacation she also is better relaxed and (and so am I) I sort of got away...
When I see the other siblings, I see them as the abuser's and/or neglector's that they really are, there isn't any excuse for not visiting a parent, even to take them out for lunch can be a help. He also has four siblings...their excuses are endless...
I have 4 siblings, 2 of whom are totally out of the picture because of family squabbles. 1 is an alcoholic, married and divorced twice and was just diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver. 1 sibling comes to see my mom out of guilt every two months to take her to the lung doctor, shopping and out to eat. I am 53 yrs old stopped working two years ago when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Mom moved next to me 3 years ago. I have asked, begged and groveled to no avail. I am even more distant from my sibling who comes every three months. She went from working part time to full time when I found out I had cancer. She doesn't need the money. Her and her husband go on vacations all the time yet she tells me she's too busy to help out. The last time she saw my mom on a weekend was 2 years ago when I had a 75th b-day party for my mom. If I go on vacation I always have my mom in the back of my mind. In fact my mom is always on my mind. I have raised two children, helped care for my dying father and now care for mom. My husband retired at a young age last year and I wonder when I will have my own time to do the things I want to do when I want to do it. I just feel like I never get a break!
One day I had just had enough I called my brother who lives in another state and started yelling about how useless all my siblings are including him. He said to me Hey not all of us are cut out for it but for some reason you are this is your calling sorry it is the burden that you carry but if it were up to any of the rest of us Mom and dad would be dead. I started laughing and crying all at once because I knew he was right. I still have feelings of resentment at times that is just being human..but more importantly I have a sense of pride and love and funny thing is truth be told I would not change places. My life,heart, and my home is filled with love what can be better than that.
Think about it, not everyone is cut out to be a brain surgeon, to be a chef, to be a kindergarten teacher, to be a farmer, to be an actor or singer, etc. Same with being a caregiver.
If I was to be a full-time caregiver to my parents, it would be a great disservice to them. I can't change whom I am, I can't change my personality, I can't change the fact that I am old myself.
Iwentanon, I'm really glad you came to the happy ending! - and I'm glad for your SO's mother that she's safe and well looked-after. I just can't help wondering how much trouble might have been avoided if it had been your SO who wrote to his sister, instead of dumping it on you.
My brother does this. I'm supposed to involve him in my mother's care. So I call him, or email him, or text him… and, when I get an answer at all, I get my SIL in my face, like some kind of sentry. Well. She may be trying to help. She may be all kinds of good things. But she's not my brother, and it's not her my mother wants involved in her life. Why can't he get his finger out enough just to answer me? I can't tell you how offensive, dismissive and frustrating it feels.
Siblings that are not "caregivers" should not appoint themselves as POA's when they are not cut out to be caregivers. When I began this role, not knowing in 2006 that it would lead here, my friend's (his mother) siblings bullied me, terrorized me, etc.saying I was not needed
Below is correspondence to an unscheduled visit taking place, when I was taking our eighty seven year old to the doctor for my concerns about eighty seven year old's capacity.
Did you make your mothers appointment for the morning so we can still go? Your Mom always goes with Ilse to the doctor and she is available on Mondays or Thursdays to drive. To keep an eye on your mother and at her request, I have gone with your mother to the doctor for almost three years now. The least disturbed your mother is about going to the doctor the better for all concerned mostly her. Doctor is giving your Mom a referral for the neurologist this time. We are taking things slow as not to rattle your mothers cage. In most things your mother has made a great recovery. Sieg and I cook for her, go to the store for her and when we have a chance, when she is not home, we clean for her.
We fail to understand why you are not corresponding with us and why you think it necessary to change things with a woman who is having problems with her short-term memory or going through her friends. Her friends are not responsible for her, her children are.
You send your mother into aggitation whether you understand it or not or if you know it or not. She will always answer the phone politely no matter how she is thinking at the moment. In case you did not know, we always know you have called or something has changed, by the way we see her act.
Why not call us...so we also know you are contemplating a change in your mothers schedule, as we change our schedules to accommodate your mother and her friends schedule.
We deal with your mother everyday and if you want a daily accounting let us know. We would be glad to keep you informed, otherwise we would like to be informed in advance when you are coming to get her so we do not cook for her or feed her before you are wanting to take your mother to lunch.
Also the advance notice would also mean that her daily planner is accurate as I direct her next day activities, the night before. It would be great to know in advance if we can make personal plans because we would know your mother is with you and we have time off. We like to keep your mother's life on an even keel, prepared and calm.
Their response: My mother's appointment has been rescheduled and my sister and I will take her to see her doctor. (never happened) There is no way you have been taking her to her doctor for 3 years I have always taken her just not recently. How dare you accuse me of disturbing my mother you have nothing to say about when where or how I talk to my own mother. WHO MADE YOU IN CHARGE?????
YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER ,ALL WE EVER REQUEST ED IS TO HAVE YOU MAKE SURE SHE TAKES HER MEDS (2008 request, but needed help since 2006) PROPERLY. That does not give you the right to control everything she does. She is more than capable of doing her own cooking and cleaning and if that's too much for her my sister and I will take care of that for her (never materialized). As you might also be aware she can handle a job on the weekend (with my help until 2009) and therefore is also capable of handling her own business as best as she can. ARE YOU NOT AWARE THAT SHE IS THE OWNER OF THE HOUSE (yes that is why we asked her permission and not yours) and you have obviously taken control (someone had to) without any of her or our PERMISSION.
Like it or not things are going to change (sold her building against her will, lied about the care she was receiving, sold her building against her will, put her in a nursing home one year later in 2011, had us thrown out for abuse even though there wasn't any) as I have heard that you are very CONTROLING of her and are also rude as well. She has her friends Ilse (still her friend) and Franz (turncoat and sexual predator))and he has said that he will watch over her as needed on a daily basis and you have nothing to say about that. Franz has been a close friend of the family for a very long time and she enjoys his company and has our blessings to be with her as much as he pleases and since the house belongs to her she doesn't need your or my brother's permission to have him over when she feels like it.
I am outraged at the letter you sent to me and if you think I have to answer to you or my brother about anything I do for or with my mother you are VERY MUCH MISTAKEN.
Except for my comments in parenthesis, this situation went to court where I am happy to say that in 2014, that she is still living with us, in a single family home with us caregivers, bank as POA of money, and a Guardian court appointed.
Yes people that aren't caregivers should step aside...
I have to say my sister-in-law cares about her mother, my MIL. She even tries to please my MIL, who beats her up terribly with criticism. She obeys MIL's every demand, and by the end of the day she is totally exhausted and depressed. She can't handle more than one day a week of this. She is not cut out to be a caregiver, nor is the patient easy to deal with. Some patients really do need Nurse Ratchet who will order them to take their pills and quit their bixxxing. I don't give in to my MIL at all, and I don't get backlash from her either. I really think the patient needs a "parent" who can control them.
In my case, to spend their weekends visiting their mother would mean they couldn't go to their vacation homes.. Or to spend vacation time with their mother would mean they couldn't spend the weeks away on a Caribbean beach. And that's 3 of them! 2 are out of state. And 1 does come to take Mom to Mass and gives me and husband Sundays off...
and as I've mentioned before....they go to a nursing home near where they live and visit a neighbor who put herself in there, and while there they take things for other residents they do not even know.....yes, isn't that sweet...and it is...but not to do anything for his own mother but lavish total strangers with things and brag to me about it, and when he was doing this the most was when I was struggling to pay bills, selling scrap metal out of the garage, etc....again, amazing....I think they justify it in their minds that Mama doesn't know the difference anymore...and I think they are wrong..I think people, even people with dementia and alzheimers, can sense or understand when things are not right...how can we prove they can't? I'm not going to chance it myself...I see Mama respond to touch, love and even my singing....don't know if that is a smile or a grimmace there, but to do nothing because someone doesn't think they know the difference is beyond sad to me....especially as dear as this sweet woman has been to everyone in this life.
I totally understand Assan and kazzaa......my brother makes his effort at being "there" for me....but in reality, he and his family just can't be bothered. the hour visit a week, sometimes accompanied with a can of coffee or some other item I use, while anything is welcome, is usually the ONLY help we get financially...they do not view it as their "place" to contribute. I do have so much anger and rage in me when I begin to think of it, but I also see that when I start getting that way, the one who it's hurting is me because I really don't think he gives a flip how much it hurst, how bad or lonely I feel....it is just not "in" him...but also he doesn't CHOOSE to be here or do anything.....it's aggravating but no matter what I do it never makes a difference because I cannot change him...so I have to change the way I deal with him in my life....it would be easier most times for me if he just didn't come at all, but that hurts my Mama, so I just deal with it...after all, it's only an hour a week...hahaha....nothing right about how he or his family of no donothings behave, but after all this time, I know they aren't going to change anything and unbelievable as it is to me...they don't seem to see anything wrong with their behavior.....amazing.....
Exactly assan! my sister is coming for a week in july and ive taken a loan out with stupidly high interest just to get away and let her take over shes walks in the door i walk out the door. I want her to see what its like now but it never happens she always has PLANS? meeting up with friends diinners out etc... so she will do her best to spend as little time with mum as possible BUT she will have to pick up the pee and poop theres no way around that one as ive said here before i even put a soiled diaper in her bed last time just to say "welcome to my world". My only worry is that she looks after my cat or we are finished. I trust my demented mum more than my sister with cat duties and my sisters internet dating profile states "huge animal lover"?? So even though i can finally have a break away you can never really swtich off just hope my moggie will be ok. I will call every night to make sure hes fed etc... isnt it just awful that some of us have to live like this.
my sisters resented that i was the one mom " chose " to stay close and advocate for her . they even tried to get me in trouble with hospice / aps . the most annoying one lives 5 miles from aunt edna ( in moms home and property ) and has never visited her but her family came running for chicken and pie at ednas 90th birthday party a couple of weeks ago .. of course i wasnt there . i do the work on the ground in real time every morning and afternoon . my explanation ; they just werent cut out to have common sense . lol
I agree that some do not have the qualities even if there is nothing mentally wrong with them. It takes patience and compassion in order to do so. But, I do feel that for those siblings or other family members who are mentally stable, can still help by doing paperwork, cleaning the home or laundry, maybe even preparing meals and handing it even to us to give! Looking for activities or health aides as well. Any help at all is wonderful!
I agree with not being criticized as well! They could help by not doing that! I already know I feel bad enough that Im not perfect at everything.
Kazza, I do distinguish between people who say "I'm not cut out…" meaning "I can't be arsed…" and people who have zero nurturing skills or aptitude and, for example, would also make lousy parents, nurses or gardeners - those, in other words, whom I wouldn't leave in charge of my goldfish. THEY are the ones who are not cut out for caregiving. But it doesn't mean they don't care, as in don't love.
I hate myself because I am an only child with no children, and I am not cut out to be a caregiver..... when the time comes, I don't know what my parents tend to do, it's been a hard subject to broach.
Sorry but i disagree nobody is really "cutout" to be a caregiver alone and not supported by selfish siblings you do this out of love and respect period. My siblings have no love or respect for me OR my mother.
I really hate it when people say "not cutout" even my sister said this to me and i almost flipped. for me bottom line is you help your parent because you care about them and if youre not the fulltime caregiver then you should support whoever is doing it by making sure they are not "Overwhelmed and exhausted". HONOUR THEY FATHER AND THY MOTHER??
I just had a wonderful experience. I was in the midst of firing off a blistering note about my sibling situation.....as I do quite often...too often I suppose...was just about to hit "submit" and suddenly had some folks come to the door, witnessing in the name of our Lord and Saviour.....it was such a blessing to me....my note was horrible...full of anger and hate...spewing out a half a decade of venom....I am so thankful these folks stopped by....every single scripture they read to me addressed exactly what pain I was feeling, one of the genlemen was a co caregiver for his MIL....there are many times I know where God has sent messengers to me in times of absolute need...this morning was another one...thank you God for this sign from Heaven....the reason I am here, Mama, has not changed....it is not easy, but she is a good woman, and has been such a loving and precious Mama all her life....I am blessed to be able to be here...God will make a way for me, and for each of us, I do believe....as I have heard it said...He does not call the qualified...he qualifies the called....I am so excited...and so thankful......going forth with a happy heart......and thanking God for my time with my sweet Mama.....
I absolutely agree that if you're not cut out to be a caregiver then, without guilt, you should admit it and leave it alone; or, like my sister, find something helpful to do for your parent that doesn't involve close, frequent contact.
What I find hard, though, is that I don't find my "horses for courses" attitude shared by my three siblings. They don't demonstrate a moment's respect for or appreciation of what I do, and in fact there are all kinds of implied, cynical or resentful insinuations about my motives and character in virtually every comment they make. They apparently find it beyond belief that I might choose to care for my mother simply because I think it is an important and worthwhile thing to do.
I don't care, and I try not to allow it to affect my relationship with my mother, or hers with them. I wouldn't say I hate them, either: I certainly don't wish them any ill. But I do cheerfully despise the weakness and apathy of at least two of them, and I shall be glad to discard them all once my mother has passed away.
So, Yipster, I've no problem forgiving my siblings for their failure to support me: that makes no real difference. But what should I do about their pathetic failure to communicate with or to demonstrate concern or affection for their mother? - who, by the way, loves them, has never in her life been cruel to a living soul, and, while she doesn't complain, feels their absence from her life. Is that for me to forgive, or her?
Oh by the way, I forgot to mention my Husband was injured on the job and is at home with me handicapped, so life is what it is and it is how we deal with it that we will be dealt with!! Hope all have a great day, I am off to the Nursing Home to spend the day with my Mom. I have also found great pleasure in volunteering their. because it brings joy to her and me.
the ability to forgive comes from a higher power, most cannot do it on their own, thus comes resentment that will take over ones thoughts, prevent them from doing what is needed properly and eat their insides out, causing themselves more harm than good. I was taught FAMILY is what it all comes down to in the end, so I have tried my very best to keep those ties no matter what!! Even though I may not have received the help I think should have been given, I love my Family and do not want to alienate them because I stepped up to the plate when the need arose. There have been many sacrifices thru the years, but in the end I will be able to say "WELL DONE"!!
No disrespect to your situation but my siblings have no excuses for their lack of support. Their behavior is pure selfishness.. Out of site out of mind..
I agree that many siblings who can't/don't help live with a lot of guilt. Often the spouse and/or children are the issue. Distance, too. Anyway, I do admire your forgiveness, because when we are able to do that we not only help others but we help ourselves. Often, that takes time but you seem to be doing well. Take care, Carol
I have never had any help, no other siblings. It is my experience in all the years I have been caregiving, those that criticize already know their shortcomings, and it is easier to be critical for them. My brother has always told me to just take care of things and what a great job I am doing!! However, I know deep inside he has and will always have feelings concerning his inability to have helped me. He has a wife who stands clearly in his way, may not sound like a good excuse to some but I have not walked one mile in his shoes nor do I want to.
"Smart people" should be aware that their parent needs help and someone has to do it, just not them, but because we take care of the parent does not make us less smart, maybe trapped, maybe never getting a break, but we are not less human beings for doing so, if anything, we are their angels on this earth...we have inner strength, integrity, trust, acquired abilities, and yes, I cannot take a two week vacation, unless I take her with me, but I find when we are on vacation she also is better relaxed and (and so am I) I sort of got away...
When I see the other siblings, I see them as the abuser's and/or neglector's that they really are, there isn't any excuse for not visiting a parent, even to take them out for lunch can be a help. He also has four siblings...their excuses are endless...
If I was to be a full-time caregiver to my parents, it would be a great disservice to them. I can't change whom I am, I can't change my personality, I can't change the fact that I am old myself.
My brother does this. I'm supposed to involve him in my mother's care. So I call him, or email him, or text him… and, when I get an answer at all, I get my SIL in my face, like some kind of sentry. Well. She may be trying to help. She may be all kinds of good things. But she's not my brother, and it's not her my mother wants involved in her life. Why can't he get his finger out enough just to answer me? I can't tell you how offensive, dismissive and frustrating it feels.
Anyone with half a brain can do that...
I'm sure these individuals who are "not cut out" would classify themselves as smart educated people..
They just couldn't be bothered...
Below is correspondence to an unscheduled visit taking place, when I was taking our eighty seven year old to the doctor for my concerns about eighty seven year old's capacity.
Did you make your mothers appointment for the morning so we can still go? Your Mom always goes with Ilse to the doctor and she is available on Mondays or Thursdays to drive. To keep an eye on your mother and at her request, I have gone with your mother to the doctor for almost three years now. The least disturbed your mother is about going to the doctor the better for all concerned mostly her. Doctor is giving your Mom a referral for the neurologist this time. We are taking things slow as not to rattle your mothers cage. In most things your mother has made a great recovery.
Sieg and I cook for her, go to the store for her and when we have a chance, when she is not home, we clean for her.
We fail to understand why you are not corresponding with us and why you think it necessary to change things with a woman who is having problems with her short-term memory or going through her friends. Her friends are not responsible for her, her children are.
You send your mother into aggitation whether you understand it or not or if you know it or not. She will always answer the phone politely no matter how she is thinking at the moment. In case you did not know, we always know you have called or something has changed, by the way we see her act.
Why not call us...so we also know you are contemplating a change in your mothers schedule, as we change our schedules to accommodate your mother and her friends schedule.
We deal with your mother everyday and if you want a daily accounting let us know. We would be glad to keep you informed, otherwise we would like to be informed in advance when you are coming to get her so we do not cook for her or feed her before you are wanting to take your mother to lunch.
Also the advance notice would also mean that her daily planner is accurate as I direct her next day activities, the night before. It would be great to know in advance if we can make personal plans because we would know your mother is with you and we have time off. We like to keep your mother's life on an even keel, prepared and calm.
Their response:
My mother's appointment has been rescheduled and my sister and I will take her to see her doctor. (never happened) There is no way you have been taking her to her doctor for 3 years I have always taken her just not recently. How dare you accuse me of disturbing my mother you have nothing to say about when where or how I talk to my own mother. WHO MADE YOU IN CHARGE?????
YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER ,ALL WE EVER REQUEST ED IS TO HAVE YOU MAKE SURE SHE TAKES HER MEDS (2008 request, but needed help since 2006) PROPERLY. That does not give you the right to control everything she does. She is more than capable of doing her own cooking and cleaning and if that's too much for her my sister and I will take care of that for her (never materialized). As you might also be aware she can handle a job on the weekend (with my help until 2009) and therefore is also capable of handling her own business as best as she can. ARE YOU NOT AWARE THAT SHE IS THE OWNER OF THE HOUSE (yes that is why we asked her permission and not yours) and you have obviously taken control (someone had to) without any of her or our PERMISSION.
Like it or not things are going to change (sold her building against her will, lied about the care she was receiving, sold her building against her will, put her in a nursing home one year later in 2011, had us thrown out for abuse even though there wasn't any) as I have heard that you are very CONTROLING of her and are also rude as well. She has her friends Ilse (still her friend) and Franz (turncoat and sexual predator))and he has said that he will watch over her as needed on a daily basis and you have nothing to say about that. Franz has been a close friend of the family for a very long time and she enjoys his company and has our blessings to be with her as much as he pleases and since the house belongs to her she doesn't need your or my brother's permission to have him over when she feels like it.
I am outraged at the letter you sent to me and if you think I have to answer to you or my brother about anything I do for or with my mother you are VERY MUCH MISTAKEN.
Except for my comments in parenthesis, this situation went to court where I am happy to say that in 2014, that she is still living with us, in a single family home with us caregivers, bank as POA of money, and a Guardian court appointed.
Yes people that aren't caregivers should step aside...
She is not cut out to be a caregiver, nor is the patient easy to deal with. Some patients really do need Nurse Ratchet who will order them to take their pills and quit their bixxxing. I don't give in to my MIL at all, and I don't get backlash from her either. I really think the patient needs a "parent" who can control them.
Now try to tell me that's not selfish!!!
In my family.....
the most annoying one lives 5 miles from aunt edna ( in moms home and property ) and has never visited her but her family came running for chicken and pie at ednas 90th birthday party a couple of weeks ago ..
of course i wasnt there . i do the work on the ground in real time every morning and afternoon . my explanation ; they just werent cut out to have common sense . lol
I agree with not being criticized as well! They could help by not doing that! I already know I feel bad enough that Im not perfect at everything.
I really hate it when people say "not cutout" even my sister said this to me and i almost flipped. for me bottom line is you help your parent because you care about them and if youre not the fulltime caregiver then you should support whoever is doing it by making sure they are not "Overwhelmed and exhausted". HONOUR THEY FATHER AND THY MOTHER??
What I find hard, though, is that I don't find my "horses for courses" attitude shared by my three siblings. They don't demonstrate a moment's respect for or appreciation of what I do, and in fact there are all kinds of implied, cynical or resentful insinuations about my motives and character in virtually every comment they make. They apparently find it beyond belief that I might choose to care for my mother simply because I think it is an important and worthwhile thing to do.
I don't care, and I try not to allow it to affect my relationship with my mother, or hers with them. I wouldn't say I hate them, either: I certainly don't wish them any ill. But I do cheerfully despise the weakness and apathy of at least two of them, and I shall be glad to discard them all once my mother has passed away.
So, Yipster, I've no problem forgiving my siblings for their failure to support me: that makes no real difference. But what should I do about their pathetic failure to communicate with or to demonstrate concern or affection for their mother? - who, by the way, loves them, has never in her life been cruel to a living soul, and, while she doesn't complain, feels their absence from her life. Is that for me to forgive, or her?
Take care,
Carol
Do you have other siblings willing to help?