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I assume the answer is yes for many of us. As the only child and health care proxy for my mother, I have been in hell for the past year or so. First she had a stroke, was in rehab, then the horrifying longterm care NH unit at the same place. That was ghastly for her, so I saw a lawyer and arranged 24/7 home care, which is now paid for by Medicaid. That is a huge blessing, as is the fact that she is part of a house calls program, so her dr and lab technicians come to her home to care for her.

A few months ago, she started getting UTIs, and I have had to make the decision to call 911 and get her to the ER (she can't get there any other way when she's ill). She now has her 4th UTI in 6 mos, and I am about to crack. The first one landed her in the ICU in septic shock. I know she needs to go back to the ER, but we were just there 3 weeks ago!! (Don't bother to suggest UTI cures, please. She has a huge kidney stone which has to come out or these will keep happening. Surgery is the only option - not great for someone her age - 84. I was looking into planning it but then she got another f-ing UTI.I have talked to numerous urologists, so I know the options at this point.)

I love her SO much and I am pretty sure I will have to get her back to the ER soon, but part of me just wants to take a plane to the other end of the world and let someone else deal with all of this, plus make the call about whether it's time to go back to the ER. I have missed so much work and am so unbelievably stressed. She is not in any pain and somewhat confused, so she can't weigh in. She says she's fine and not to worry. I have to take charge. She is so vulnerable and will do anything I say - which is not the way it was, ever, until her stroke.

I'm actually MAD at her for getting another UTI so soon - how crazy is that? I'm used to it happening every 8 weeks, not 3 weeks! I simply cannot deal with this anymore, but I can't just refuse to take her to the hospital and let her die. She is not Ok with that, nor is she OK with going to the hospital again or having surgery - so, yeah. Her dr was there yesterday and said she was fine and took blood and urine (which is bloody).

What if I DID live far away? I wish her aides would make the call and get her to the hospital. I wouldn't even mind meeting them there, but I cannot stand the whole 911 thing, and then waiting in the ER for 100 years. It is so traumatic for both of us. UGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

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I’m in awe of all you are dealing with. The answer to your question is a resounding YES....I’d run if I could....fast & far
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So sorry, memyself. There are so many versions of how it all plays out, none of them pretty.
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One way ticket to Bora Bora sounds great. We all love our parents but wecare only human to. Can take so much. Iv got depression an anxiety so its no picnic. An a sibling that only helps when convenient. Iv 2 parents. 82. Dad worse. Non compliance big time. Argues all time. Mean. Mom is as complaint as can ve but sometimes sneaky about it. I do everything. I think hospice should be called for your Mom. Dragging elderly to ER is dangerous. Sick people are there. Just increases their chances of flu or whatever. A dr needs to order testing, meds etc. Home health? Goodluck. Wish my parents could get in apartment care. But in Tx. No way! Rent here in retirement community (not n.h. or assisted livi g)is $3,349 a month. Fixin to move a 3 rd time to a apartment to lower rent an hire caregiver. I can NOT do it anymore. Im married an 2 teen sons an going crazy with no life. I use to work in surgery as scrub assist. Havent worked since 2010. Im just soook tired.
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Thx Xina, then it can't be done in your mother's case, I was just making an academic observation that it is not ruled out in general for staghorn  stones - responding to BB's post. I was not questioning your mother's doctors' decisions.  
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Golden,

We have met with several urologists, including a top kidney stone specialist, and all have said that my mother's stone is large and complicated and will only come out with surgery (neprholithotropsy, I think it's called).
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I live in NYS and was able to get IV antibiotics at home for six weeks with Medicare. The IV is put in in the hospital but someone has to be willing to administer them daily in the home. It is not a big deal and only takes about 20 minutes. You have to be taught how to do it and it is a bit scary at first but basically it involves attaching a prefilled syringe of normal saline to the IV tubing then attaching a small bag with the anibiotics in and finally removing the antibiotic bag and flushing the tubing again with a prefilled syringe of Heparin to prevent the blood in the tubing from clotting. You will probably be able to have a public health or home care RN come to the house to supervise the first few times.

Hospice won't usually give IV antibiotics but I don't know about palliative care. In fact hospice discourages the use of antibiotics for anything. They believe that if you are dying there is little point - let the infection take you. You may or may not agree with this approach but hospice is your choice.

As far as the surgery is concerned, if it is going to be done my feeling is that do it as soon as possible before she gets any worse. It could probably be done on a outpatient basis but due to her age they may keep her overnight. There may be pain as she passes the broken up stone but it should be very brief.
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From what I just read in Medscape and The Urology Group web page they can.
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I believe I read that staghorn stones cannot be treated with sound waves.
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For months I ran away every night. I had plans and dreams....I escaped into those plans every nite.

Only thing kept me sane some days.

Find something you can do that engages your imagination......
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I wondered about the sound waves too. My mil, who was not a good risk for surgery, had hers shattered.
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Can they shatter her stones with sound waves? It's noninvasive, from what I hear. A friend of mine had it done recently. There is some sedation and it wore him out, but, he was much better the next day and passed the stones over the next couple of weeks, until all was clear.
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They don't want to do surgery on my mom because it's not quite that bad yet and she has moderate dementia. She is awful in the hospital. But if it gets worse it will have to be done.
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Yes... Everyday I want to run away.. thank God for this site.
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BootShopGirl, Can your mother have her kidney stone removed?

My mom's PCP is advocating the surgery and talking to the surgeon about making it happen soon, given that the UTIs come on every few weeks now - ugh. I'm inclined to have it done. It's not that major and she can't be much worse off than she is now, honestly. I just feel bad because she is so confused lately, is scared of surgery. So I'm going to have to force her to do it, which makes me feel awful.
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Well yes I want to run away! My mom has a kidney stone also. Only the I.v. antibiotics work too. She also has a SHY bladder so in a hospital setting cannot go potty. Won't go in a Bedpan. Just can't. So they have to cath her to even get her urine out. Not just to test for u.t.I. but like 1/2 the hospital stay. I mean it's crazy. Rainmom you made me lol at the description of the E.R. because it was perfect! I'm sorry xinabess about your mom. I feel for you.
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Dear xinabess,

Sending you love and hugs. Boy, do I hear you. It is tough carrying the burden of managing an elderly parent's care. It is a struggle and so frustrating. I don't blame you for wanting to run away. In the last year of my dad's life, I just go angrier and angrier. I wish I could have found another way.

I know you are trying very hard. But maybe its time for mom to go to a nursing home then.
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I think I would work with her towards the surgery. 84 is not that old (anymore) and it might help immensely. My parents continuously amaze me with their capacity for recovery from extreme surgeries in their 80s. Otherwise I would ask for her to be treated at home with IV as the poster above mentioned. Can you be persuasive with the Dr about ordering hospice?
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I can't recall if you talked to a hospice orgs or not?
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Yes, the antibiotics she needs are the IV ones she can only get in the hospital. She has PT at home, Barb, so a rehab won't help.
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If I recall, Xina needs mom to be seen in the ER because the only treatment that works for her mom is several days of IV antibiotics. Her mom has a " stag horn stone". Insurance won't pay for IV antibiotics in the home.

I had suggested calling hospice a few posts back because it seems to me that perhaps hospice could get approval for the IV in home. Maybe not.

It does seem like she's between a rock and a hard place.

Maybe rehab in a safe for a covered period to keep the UTIs at bay long enough to get her strong enough for Surgery? Is that an option?
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I agree - ERs are no picnic with a demented old woman raging with a UTI but how can a home visiting Doctor observe blood in her urine and then say she is fine???!
Lab work can be done immediately in the ER - do you have the results back yet from the home visit?
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It is great that she got to come home on Medicaid. I believe that NY is the only state where medicaid pays for full-time at home care. Lots of us envy that part of your story.

But the UTIs. Yikes! Running away seems an appropriate fantasy -- as long as you don't do it, of course.

I have the same question as 97yroldmom. Why is ER necessary? The test can certainly be done from home. And isn't treatment a medication? Why would it be necessary to treat that in a hospital? Yes, it definitely needs treatment.

Her doctor took blood and urine. Have you heard the results of the tests with those? If they reveal a UTI won't the doctor order treatment?

ERs are traumatic for old people. Heck, you don't have to be very old to find the experience traumatic. I would hope that the house calls program would help eliminate the need for ER.

In any case, I sympathize with your frustration and your desire to run away! Of course you love your mother. Wanting to run away has nothing to do with that!
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I personally believe that hospital Emergency Rooms make the experience as hellish as possible to discourage people from using them. I know it's had that effect on me. The hours and hours of waiting in that tiny curtained cube - you peek out and it appears that the entire ER staff is gathered behind that big central desk area in the middle, shooting the breeze. At least that's how it seems as you sit there with every one minute s-l-o-w-l-y ticking by as if it's 100. It's enough to make me want to blow my head off!

But as for your question - "Do you ever want to run away?" Every day, my dear. Everyday. 
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Xina, i would have run away by now.

Have called any hospice organization?

Can't the aides sit with her in the ER?
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Xinabess,
What is it that the ER can do for your moms UTI that you can't have done at home? That may be a stupid question and I'm sorry if it is. What if you put her on palliative care or hospice? Could you ask your doctor about this to see if she would be able to get the care at home that she is getting at the ER? It sounds so hard for the both of you as things are set up now. I'm sorry. I wish I knew something that would help.
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