End of my denial? Maybe this really is serious....


Just found this site. Crying. Seeing things differently. Posted the medical details already.

Decided that whatever is wrong, I should be keeping him from wasting more of his 'little gray cells' by upsetting him. Humor the lunatic when necessary. Nothing is more important than him staying functional mentally. Resolved to do whatever he wants (within reason). Find my support from more permanent things: the trees, garden, books, dog....

Trouble is ... "within reason". He had asked for wake up calls so he wouldn't sleep past noon.

Me: "But if you can't sleep during the night, will you email me to cancel the wakeup call?"

Him: "Yes."

He asked again last night, Friday, for a wakeup call this morning (Saturday). He was feeling good yesterday, wanted to do some projects today (Saturday).

This morning no email from him, so I made the wakeup call. Because I had resolved to do everything he told me, without argument.

Him: "I'm asleep... I got no sleep last night...."

Me: "Sorry!"

So I'm crying and posting this, instead of apologizing to him in person and breaking down crying in front of him, which would stress him more.

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Some times I go to a gentle theraputic yoga class. We do a little stretching and I dedicate my practice to calm kindness... and somehow it comes. Odd things happen, my brain works out a problem. I leave refreshed and joyful.

I hope you can find something that helps bring you joy.

When my mom got insulting in the end, I told her that I knew she was just afraid... but none the less she hurt my feelings. I know we all try our best and sometimes we are hurting, no matter how hard we try not to feel bad, we do. Even if we can tell ourselves intellectually we should not be upset... it is still upsetting.

I hope you can find something to do for you that is lovely and kind, because you give so much kindness to others.

Update. A lovely afternoon when none of his problems were happening. Went to town, good dinner, he seemed like his old self. It was like years fell away for me. I'd forgotten he could be so healthy, pleasnat, making plans.

Really I felt like the bad times were a bad dream, all was back to normal. Now tonight he cannot sleep, so he will probably have a bad day tomorrow. I get reality-whiplash with things going back and forth like this.

Going to anohter support group tomorrow.

@ Veronica91
Get well soon! Don't worry about me. Shareddoctor gave me the Bupropion with no mention of H. (If anyone is curious, details are at https://www.agingcare.com/questions/asking-primary-care-doctor-for-welbutrin-for-me-162495.htm?cpage=0&cm=284975&utm_source=Notification&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=Answer+Own#284975 )

I think you and the doctors are right that H probably doesn't have dementia. Just when his other problems are happening at once, he walks like dementia and quacks like dementia! So I have to watch what I step in just the same. ;-)

As long as H is not going with you ask out right for medication for your stress, He may have other more appropriate suggestions for you. Sharedocter will not get himself in the middle he will refer you on for psychological help. I don't believe h is as crazy as he makes out. As the saying goes crazy like a fox. I have seen the same dynamics in my life. Yes they are mentally ill and use that as an excuse for behaving badly. I have some instances I will share later when stronger but at present am in hosp after 10 days of severe diarrhea and sequellae so somewhat frayed out,

@ veronica
Okay, honesty happened. He called and said he had just got an appointment and invited me to lunch. So I said "Fine, that fits with an appointment I've got."

He drives us and always programs the GPS with an address before we set out. So at the car I gave him a printout I'd made of the address, and the page said "Memory Loss Caregiver Support Group" at the top.

On the way home he said, "So, how was the support group?"

Me: "Somewhat informative. I got some leads to doctors in Town X. But I've already made an appointment with Olddoctor in Town Y. A few years ago I went to him for my own memory problems and stuff and got a lot of scans and tests, and he refrred me to Oldcounselor who checked me out and couldn't find anything wrong except stress."

Him: silence or non-committal

Me: "What are you going to do if they say I'm okay and the problem is in your imagination?"

Him: "For months I've been letting your attacks slide off."

Me: "That's not healthy. Perceiving an attack and letting it slide. What if the problem is perceiving it as an attack in the first place? My voice gets stressed, particularly when you're having trouble hearing so I have to talk loud and slow."

Him: changed subject

Actually I have also been snapping a lot but I didn't want to go any further at this point.

Tomorrow I see the Primary doctor we share. I've told H I don't want to put Shareddoctor in the middle between us so will not get into it with him, just talk about my eye and foot and stuff. Might lightly ask him for some Bupropion and see if he will go for it.

@ veronica,
It's wierd. When he's ranting, he's obviously a lunatic to be humored. When he's run out of energy and needy and apologetic, he's to be comforted.

But when he's feeling good, more or less back to normal, being his usual extroverted 'come on let's go!' self -- and I'm wrung out and apprehensive and trying to sort out the new problems he's dumped on me in his ranting -- it's real hard to deep from wanting to cry or disagree with him about the NEW energy spending project. (I've posted about this on the 'spouse' thread.)

When he acts back to normal, I want to treat him as normal. As I normally used to do. Which right now would be either crying and telling him how all this has affected me, or being mad and having a vigorous argument about what to do next, etc.

More later. Thank you SO much for putting up with my posts.

You are doing a fantastic job
You are no more crazy than the sun comes up each day. So put that out of your mind for good.
The stress you are going through is unimaginable, but it is not going to change, only the way you handle it and you are already working towards that.
You have clearly decided that leaving is not an option.
So calmly and quietly sit down and make a list of the things you would like him to do. Everything like lawn mowing banking, buying groceries, laundry. Don't start making excuses just do it. Then go through the list and check what he currently does not do but you think he should and is capable of doing. Make three containers and label them Flora, Hubby and Bills. on the floor is a can labeled Trash. He can sort the mail and open his own. He never opens yours.
Stop sneaking around. Tell him where you are going, when and why and what time you will be back. What is he going to do shoot your tires out?. If that is a possibility or you are afraid then contact the VA or whatever is appropriate. It's not safe to remain. Develop an escape plan If capable he can take care of his own household. If he wants to live in chaos that's up to him. Having the same Dr may not be a good idea although either or the other can invite participation. He is not there to make hubby do what you want.
I think your denial is fading little by little and know you will eventually get there. It is always sad when some one changes so drastically specially mentally but facts are facts and I am sure your support groups will help.
Stay with us there are others in the same group.

Invited to the support group meeting. Both going to town.

To be continued....

Well, I'm invited to the group this aftrernoon, though it is officially about Dementia. He is up and bright-eyed and adrenalish, so I'm now worrying about making a trip to town without inviting him (as we usually share trips to save gasoline).

Ouch! In previous rants, when he takes his meds and calms down, he forgets all about the subject. So I hoped he would forget accusing me of being crazy. But tonight (after a couple of days on what seemed to be the right dose and timing of his Bupropion), he brought it up again. Some physical problems have been better the last few days, and he's rested from the yelling last week, feeling stronger, doing some things outside. But all day being mellow, accepting a neighbor doing a project here instead of getting upset or taking over. But then late tonight (hm, 6-7 hours after his last meds), he's asking me about my doctor's appointment set for WEdnesday. Acting sharper, adrenalish again; like he still believes I was attacking him for a long time.

Whether that's true or false, obviously I need some local support! Luckily there's a group meeting tomorrow, if they'll let me in (phone screening required). We use the same Primary Care doctor, usually visit together, so I want to build some credibility with the Primary, a fast-talking man who seems more in tune with my husband than with me. I usually have good credibility with support groups and with women counselors I see alone, so I've been planning to do this in steps: first the group, then with their guidance a counselor, then with her opinion, talk to the doctor.

I'm upset right now. Obviously the first thing is to call for the screening and hope to get into tomorrow's group. But I keep jumping ahead to think about strategy for the Primary doctor. Insist on going alone, so I can soft-pedal the subject? Let husband go with me so he'll be satisfied?

I want to ask the doctor for some overall checkup stuff: the big blood test that shows if you're low on any vitamins etc; maybe a brain scan or two? See if any obvious physical problems do turn up, before going deeply into possible emotional symptoms. Obviously I'm very shook up about his condition, all the responsibilities I'm having to handle, some estate planning not done, etc.

Since we live an hour's drive from town, there's also some drama about whether he goes to town with me, or (if accepted to the group) I sneak away in my truck before he wakes up.

For that, I'd better go on to bed now!

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