I need to end the abuse and torture I am receiving from a Alzheimer’s enraged, denial clinging mother.

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As you all know , I am going through hell ( join the club , right?) My mind KNOWS, I need to end the abuse and torture I am recieving from a alzheimers enraged,denial clinging mother. But my ( stupid) heart ....seems to keep saying just take it. I know that this emotional turmoil will slowly kill me...I know she needs better care than what I can give her. I know that if I can manage to movemy feet and get her into a assisted care/nursing home SHE just maybe be happy in the long run...and I certainly know I will be!
Why can I say enough already, and care enough about me and do something.
I think its because I am used to seeing her take abuse from my dad, and putting up with his behavior for years...so I am repeating it.
A friend says I have tremendous guilt, that I think a nursing home is a bad thing... and maybe that is true...but a lot of it is that I am alone and lost....and just cant seem to find my way out of the jungle. I wish I had someone to take me by the hand ( literally) and lead me the way I must go. I dont.... AND I NEED TO SNAP OUT OF THIS....I NEED TO GET UNSTUCK.


My Mom was verbably abusive to me when I was there over Christmas -she is moreso to others-I also took because she is my Mom and elderly and could not think of a loving comeback. You will be able to reach a decision to have her placed I finally did with my husband after waiting for two years for others to make the decision for me and the counsular I was seeing said I was waiting for someone to rescue me and it was not going to happen and then the day I said I could no longer do it any more everyone else agreed with me-let your friends here take you by the hand and give you permission to have her placed-if you had a best friend who was in your place what would you say to her. Start slowly and go visit a nursing home sometimes any action will free you up-and try putting your concerns in God's hands and talk it over with him-he does not want us to be hurting-take care good friend-you are not alone you have me to care about you and love you-once you make the decision you will be surprised how many people come out of the woodwork and support you-please think about what I said,
Austin is right. But start with God first. Ask him to guide you, and he will. As for someone taking you by the hand, it is highly unlikely. Better to find a knowledgeable Social Worker at a ALF or NH to talk with and make some plans. You mom's Physician or nurse may be able to help as well. You can call your local Commission or Area on Aging office, or Legal Services (free) to talk with a volunteer Attorney. (If your parent is a senior citizen.) The more professionals you talk to, the more you learn, and from there, with enough information or guidance, can start making some changes. A visit to ER may get the ball rolling by asking for a Social Worker. Talk to your mom's physician, with your list of concerns and observations, and tell them you must have help, as you don't feel your mom's needs are being met, and that she needs more help than you can provide. Be insistent on getting help until you find someone to help. Eventually, you'll get to your goal. Hang in there, and know you're not alone.
Bree, I understand where you are coming from. My 81-year old mother's memory has been rapidly declining over the past couple of years. She won't acknowledge it, and she won't follow her doctor's advice for more testing. We've visisted all kinds of independent living facilities, but I've finally realized that what she needs is assisted living. We spent an afternoon at a wonderful facility several months ago, and she liked it. I've been working with a woman there who is working on my mom, to get her to go and visit again. She agreed several days ago, and last night when the woman called her to confirm her pickup time, my mom said no, she's not going to do anything right now. She is unable to make any major decisions. One day I'm the amazing daughter, and the next day she accuses me of not wanting to help her or spend time with her anymore. She is bitter and angry, and won't do anything to help herself, and she will not accept any kind of help from my brothers or me. I struggle every day to try and figure out whether I should call her or not, because I never know what I will be faced with. I am wracked with guilt (have been my whole life), and have always felt, since I was little, that I had to make her life better. Some days I just want to give up and walk away. I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. Just reading this posts is helpful. Hang in there, pray, and reach out to whoever you can find to help you. Fortunately, the woman at the assisted living facility is helping me. I find that to be rare.
Dear doates, my heart goes out to you. Your story could be mine, except for the help we received. So glad you're getting help, though you have a very difficult situation. I understand what you are going through, as what you write is familiar, and I pray your help comes from more than just the woman at the ALF. You and your mom will need more help as time goes on. You'll need help processing your mom's disease, and healing... Someone recommended a book to me, called: "Stop Walking on Eggshells. Taking Your Life Back When Someone Care About Has..." by Mason and Kreger. I think you'll relate to what you read there. (Bree, too.)

Ladies, we are in a difficult place trying to care for loved ones who shun our help. And we cannot really help them, or get them to understand, because they are either unwilling or unable. The kind of help they need, they resist. Unless they are a danger to themselves or others, we can't force it on them, either (as that's a whole process in itself). I've had to do that with one parent, with the help of authorities, and it's a difficult way to go. And trying to reason with a loved one who is cognitively challenged is practically impossible. You've heard the saying, "No good deed goes unpunished?" Sounds like what you ladies are facing. Believe me, I've lived that nightmare, too.

My prayers are with you ladies. Wish I could take your hand and walk you through this dark valley, but point you to the one who can. Above all, ask for help, and keep on asking. I found angels along the way, and help and blessings. Not everything went according to my wishes or desires, and much is still beyond my control. But that's OK. That's where faith comes in, and knowing you're not alone. On a practical note, seek professionals who can give you direction, as some help is available. Don't give up. Remember to take care of yourself, give yourself adequate rest, lots of grace, because this is not easy, guard your heart, and know you're not alone.
Hello My friends! I thank all of you for the love and advice. For sharing with me.....encouraging me. Yesterday I went to another nursing home, I liked it. I filled out a form, the administrator said it was a inquiry. I felt proud of myself, then guilty , scared then angry--because I didnt ( at the moment) think I would go through with it.
So I did make a small step , and its because of all you wonderful people reaching out to me! THANK YOU!!!
I am actually printing all your messages so I can read and re read.
Secret Sister , thank you for giving me the step by step...it has helped me a lot.
195 Austin...thank you for your comforting post!!!yours was the first for me to print...and coming tonight I see I have many many more!
You guys are awesome! We all have much in common.
Your posts about your feelings , explain much of what I feel...I am almost a carbon copy of what Doates feels!
I also cling to God. My faith has beengreater in the past...God has brought me through soooooooo much, but I DO FEEL DISTANT FROM HIM NOW. mAYBE BECAUSE THE CUT IS SO DEEP...i dunno. But I still pray , talk, cry , plead, to/with him.
He is all I really have now. He has blessed me with caring people like you ...so I know he is working on my behalf.
Thank you all!!
Today after starting the day in "insanityville",crying ( after trying to reason with a person on issues that they cant reason with...hell she dont remember the issues!) leaving to go do errands ...( shes good for a few hours alone , yet)and escape for a while. Only to return to more drama, nagging, relentless insulting and threats.....( I HAVE TO DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS ...EVEN IF its not good for her...she wants it - or I will experience continual requests for the same thing, then demands, which leads to anger ( from her...that her demands arent met) If I want to cry all night and feel like I have lost MY MIND ( which she tells me I have) I will do what I know needs to be done....or if I want a few moments peace , I ll give in and cave in t her demand.
Tonight/today was the previous one.
I have cried 4 rivers!
Dear Bree, wow, my heart goes out to you. And breaks for you, and me. I can relate to insanityville, because I've visited many times. My mom lives there, and she wants to send me there and keep me there, but I just want to be free. I can relate to a mom who wants what's not good for her.

I also print out posts and threads. It helps, but now I have stacks of them everywhere. That doesn't help.

I just started a book I think you'd like: "Tears and Healing. The journey to the light after an abusive relationship," by Richard Skerritt. It may explain some things about your relationship with your mom and be of help to you. I found it online and ordered it, along with "Stop Walking on Eggshells." Just a thought. Talk to you later, when I'm not falling out. Sorry to hear about all your tears, but can relate. Hope you get some rest. Keep the hope and faith!
Bree, another book I might suggest is "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I'm in the middle of it, and it is SO helpful. I'm learning that I can't change my mom's behavior, but I can change the way I react to it. I'm learning about detaching in a loving way, and how to take responsibility for my life and my problems, not hers. Things will happen naturally, the way they are supposed to work out if we get out of the way. God can't work if we are in the middle, trying to take control. Have a sparkling day!

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