Need Support - Emotionally separating from Mom and feeling less guilt.

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I have had years of being too tied to mom. I feel guilt bacause she is in bad place. But it was her doing. And she wont take suggestions. Wont accept help in the house. She complains about feeling pain, etc. Has the money to pay someone to help her. But is worried about brother being homeless after she dies. So she won't spend anymore than she has to. She insists he has to live in house when she dies. And will need lots of money for home and living expences. He has personality disorder and cant hold a job. He gets SSI. Been emotionally drained from mom several times over the past several years. Have to start concentrating on my own life more. She is 89 years old and uses a walker. Has several health problems. Brother lives with her. But doest help much. He is selfish and lazy. Most of my contact with mom is by phone. I only live anhour and a half away but. I go see her two to three times a year. I'm going to see her four times a year starting this year. Partly for her and partly to see when she gets so bad that I have to try to force help on her. She doesr want volunteer to help eighter. She has several reasons. And her being rigid, no one can influence her to do it.

Barbara

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I also agree with globetrotter in her last statements.... my mother refuses help from me, tells everyone that I treat her badly and she is all alone, no one to help her, she does everything by herself, and that I am never home. The only time she is nice to me, is when she makes a mistake, either by phone, in person, at home, forgetting to help with dad, because she got side tracked.... I am the scapegoat I guess. It's hard to fathom, because we used to tell each other everything.. But, me being a trusting soul, thinking she would not tell my secret feelings even from years ago, (my family has let me know now) now seem to be the "hit parade" of the neighborhood. It is very hard to be lied to, lied on just to make herself feel better and I am the cause of all things wrong. Now my brother steps in after he thinks dad is on his last leg. HE is the man of the house now.. my dad wouldn't even let him use a power tool, because he said, he wouldn't know what to do with it. which is true.... My dad and I were very close. It hurts like hell that I can't do more for him than what I'm doing. she relies and hangs on every word he makes. If I even mention his name, she screams that I hate him, I've always hated him...... I pray, and pray and God cannot give me more than I can handle, at least that's what I feel...
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sorry about that Ashlynne.... my point was that they wash their cars, trucks etc...wash their clothes daily, not mom and dad's..... do their chores as if they are home, but never offer to wash a car, clean a porch, cut the grass, but they are able to screw up my mom and dad's tv, computer, put holes in the wall to put up a window shade etc..... I guess, that was all I could come up with at the time..... NO, I do not let them drive or anything else that might harm them.... sorry, again guys..... I thought most of you guys were mind readers ;) lol
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Sounds like you are in a significantly difficult spot. I'm sure that a lot of water has already washed over the Dam so to speak.
You most likely have been patient and " been there" for them both over the years. It's never as easy as it seems looking in from the outside.
Do what you feel that you can with the energy you have, find a good support group to help you set healthy boundaries and learn to separate your feeling of "daughter guilt" from your Mom's right to manage or mis- manage her life as she sees fit. The hardest job is that of the loving relative who has to stand by and watch because you can't do anything to help. My heartfelt apologies, for a curt response.
Best of luck to you. Your are in a tough spot.
Getting an uninterested party set up as Payee might be a good idea. It would take the pressure off a bit.
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I was just giving backround information about my family. My original question still stands. Trying to distance myself emotionally from mom. That is what I want help with. And not to over react to everything she does and says.

Whatever bond ther is between brother and me is practically non existant. Mom doest have quite a lot of money. But she isnt poor eighter. It's just that she uses her savings to live on. Her income is a small social security check.

I am going to get profesional to run trust when mom dies. Wish I could get guardian for brother and mom. They both have legal right to make their own decisions. They are not incompetent. Just not realistic.

Barbara
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Barbara, did your mother directly ask you to take future responsibility for managing your brother's special needs trust? How long ago was this, was it 'way back when' things were normal and it was all hypothetical?

Other people will be far, far more knowledgeable about such options than I am, but surely it's time to look into what kind of guardianship-type arrangements can be set up for your mother's and your brother's long term care so that you can resign your involvement, and back out with no disgrace.

As far as I understand it, unless you can predict with any reasonable certainty how much money your mother's long term care might be expected to cost, you're not free to tie up her capital in your brother's trust in any case, are you?

But look. The idea of being legally responsible for this kind of major financial task, on behalf of people who won't or can't or anyway don't communicate openly with you at the very least - let alone co-operate or show any flexibility - well, it's just Mission Impossible. Why should you feel guilty about resigning it?

And caring for your brother doesn't equate to trying to deal with him in order to act on your behalf. Just because you care about him doesn't equip you with the kind of professional techniques that are needed to manage his behaviour, and vice versa not being able to work with him effectively doesn't mean you don't care about him. Also, although there is a bond between you, and naturally you feel something for him, that doesn't make him easily loveable. It's not of your making. It's sad, but it's not cause for *you* to have regrets about: what did you ever do to deserve it?

Given that it sounds like there is quite a lot of money to handle (even if most of it is spoken for by their care needs), and given that your mother is not helping you make sensible plans, and given that your mother may and your brother will have quite substantial needs looking ahead… I think it's a job for a professional, and you should hand over on those grounds quite apart from the emotional ones.

And actually, thinking that through, won't knowing that the plans are in safe hands make you much more relaxed when it comes to dealing with them purely as family members? Won't it take a lot of anxiety out of the picture?

Hugs, I know there's nothing simple about it.
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I wote that I hardly ever VISIT mom. NOT that I'm uninvolved in her life. I talk to her every other day the majority of the time. And have helped with many things over the years. Just not hands on care. She has legal document letting brother live in home after she dies. Special needs trust set up. No one would run it. So I agreed to. But with the normal expences mom has for living. including for my brother, I'm hesitant to put much of moms savings in the trust. Unless she is about to go in a nursing home. Then I would put most of the money in trust.
Cant comuicate with brother or mother. Both stuborn and have their emotional problems. Mom makes poor choices out of anxiety, rigidity, guilt about brother (she didnt dicipline him till age 10 - he had bad ashma), spent more time with her mother than my brother when he was growing up. Grandma had frequent nervice breakdowns. And she just doesn't want brother to be homeless. I care a little about brother. But we dont have relationship. Mom was alway partial to me. And he knew it. I tried to tell mom to stop. That it made things bad for me with brother. She wouldn't. His excessive anger from his personality disorder is part of what makes him unreasonable. So both mom and brother only see things the way they want to. Reality has no place in their life. This is my family.

Barbara
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Ladylee, I think the stress is on the "emotionally" part of that 'emotionally separating from Mom and feeling less guilt' headline to the thread. Which leads me to reflect on the 'go away don't leave me' double bind that children of borderline parents commonly get tangled in, and to wonder if others who are surer of the ground than I am might have comments to make?
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I'm kind of in the same boat as the original poster & I can understand. My mom used to call me daily to complain about issues - most of her own making. After giving advice and having it ignored but still the same issues complained about, I have had to significantly reduce the amount of time I talk to her to one time per week. She has tried to guilt me when I don't talk more than that and of course I felt guilty for a long time. You decide - if they are making decisions that are bad, but they are competent - you have no reason to feel guilty.
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Sorry , I don't understand why you need to separate from your Mom when you are not involved in her life more than a couple times a year.
Maybe it is too hard to be closer to her when she won't help herself or do anything that you suggest to make her life more comfortable.
It may feel uncomfortable but you might have to get in there and spend one day each weekend at her place helping her plan for the future.
your brother will need a special needs trust when she is gone to allow him to get income for life and the house with out losing his SSI.
Other wise he will lose his SSI and his Medicaid which is not a good idea. Plus if he has problems he may not manage the money in a way that will allow him to keep the house.
Mom could purchase a term life insurance policy that will go to fund the trust and she could place her home in the trust already while she is alive. She can lease the house back until her death.
Try to show her that you are interested in helping not changing everything she wants to do, but helping in a way that benefits both her and your brother.
An Estate planning attorney can help her to get her financial goals in place and still provide some money for her own care.
She does have the right to neglect herself but only to a point.
Your Local Alz and Dementia Agency should have some support groups that you can attend to help you to go through this process allowing your Mom to do as she pleases. ( Even though you don't think it is in her best interest) .
Good Luck to you. It is difficult to be in a situation like this.
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Ashlynne - you don't understand that ONE? You are doing better than me.
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