My Elderly Mother is Very Selfish

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Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live; it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. -Oscar Wilde-

I came across this quote and it hit home with me today. I realized that my Mom is very selfish. I think most of my fellow caregivers have family that are selfish like this.

My parents had me because they wanted children. They raised me to LEAVE the NEST. They didn't pay for my college, my house or anything once I left the nest. I had my kids because I wanted children. I don't want my children to raise me when I am old.

I am on the last day of respite provided by Hospice, (Thank the good Lord for Hospice!!!!!) Before I bring her home tomorrow, we are having a meeting about Mom. The Dr. told her this is as good as it's going to get and that she can't walk without assistance. Mom was getting up by herself and falling all the time. Once the Dr. left she told me she is going to prove him wrong and get better. They are going to try and get her to understand that she just doesn't have the stability to get up and walk alone. (Good luck).

Anyway..... I decided that although I can't force her into assisted living or a Nursing home, I don't have to be the full time caregiver anymore. I plan to tell her what I am willing to help her with and anything beyond that SHE will have to be the adult and figure it out. I will no longer be at her 24/7 beck and call. I will no longer put my husband and children on the back burner. I have given up over 2 years of my life to be her servant and I am no longer willing or able to do that. If she wants to stay in her home, there are agencies she can call for the assistance she needs.
I have read so many stories similar to mine and I hope this give some the ability to separate love and servitude. We are NO slaves. We are children that love our parents but that doesn't mean we are to sacrifice our own lives to be slaves to the whims of our spoiled relatives. Yes, the spoiling was my own fault. When you hear that your parent has 6 mo or less, of course you want to make it the best possible time. Whoever, it is going on 3 years and she is just fine given her condition. I'm not going to do the 24/7 for the next 10 years. I am not going to feel guilty or get sucked in to her guilt trips anymore. I am done with the anger, the tantrums and the constant need for attention.
I will let you all know how it goes. Keep the faith, friends.

Thanks all!
SanityFOUND =D

38 Comments

Thank you & soooooo glad you have found your balance.
GOD bless & protect you & your loved ones.
I agree with you 100% I am in your boat as right now and keep asking god to take care of things. Part of me also knows that she likes being at home, but to me ,it just doesnt work. she needs more professional care . Hugs
I have a selfish demanding and controlling 87 year old mother who believes that I should take care of her, as she can't walk well supposedly but uses her walker but is able to walk faster when she needs to, and is going blind due to glaucoma but refuses to be seen by her doctor. I suppose she wants to be declared blind because she wants attention. She lives on her recliner day and night. I live about 70 miles away from her. I love my mother but I have my life with my husband and I'm not doing well. I stopped visiting her because she fights with me. Now my family has disowned me which I have learned to accept for my well being. I would never expect my children to take care of me later in life because I'm understanding and considerate. I did not bring my children into this world to take care of me. They have their own lives to live as they should.
Well said, SanityFOUND. Amen. And please do keep us posted!
I thought my sister wrote this! She moved in to take care of our ailing father, and now that he's passed our mother has become the bigger pain in the ass. She spent her entire life trying to change our father and they spent their whole lives fighting. We thought his death was going to make her happy, but she's just not a happy person, so she continues to make my sister feel like an intruder. She'll go through my sister's closet and dresser drawers saying she's "looking for something." She's always been selfish, it's just getting worse with age. Thank you so much for stating what we've been feeling for so long. And keep us posted. We all need support!
thought i'd resurrect this topic, since it might help me today. they say in AA suicide is the ultimate selfish act; it inflicts pain and suffering on everyone left behind, for countless years, if not eternity. the person who dies obviously suffers the consequences of their actions, whatever they may be, as determined by no one here on earth. here's the situation. my mother checked herself into emergency room three times. three times they found nothing physically wrong with here, couldn't hold her long. the third time at the ER, i happened to find a phone number on me for the local mental hospital, called them up, turned out they were across the street. i helped her get checked in, it was voluntary. she's been in there for about 10 days now. from all indications she was trying to kill herself by starving herself to death. apparently got scared because she was close to succeeding. i'm glad they're taking care of her, i'm glad she's finally learning she has some issues, blah blah blah, but here's the problem. as soon as she was able to put a sentence together somewhat coherently again she started talking about her grand plan to sell both of her houses, kick me to the curb, move to SC to live close to my brother and his two kids, knowing full well i'd have no choice but to go along with her; since i'm beyond flat broke, in legal financial trouble up to my azz and surviving on foodstamps. once again it's all about her and her agenda. i'm just exasperated and need some advice. i have an appointment with a priest to discuss all this on tuesday, but it's only thursday. it's not like this woman needs help from me or anyone financially by the way, she is set for life, has the best of insurance coverage from my father's employer, enough income to pay all her bills, with a couple thousand left over every month. she's constantly telling everyone she's "broke" and says she can't pay her bills, or afford her lifestyle, which is a boldfaced lie. this is all about manipulation and control, pushing other people around to get what she wants on her terms. i've been a measly 44K in credit card debt forever now, mainly because she doesn't pay me, not even AOL or car insurance. that bill could be wiped out for about half of that amount with one stroke of her pen. she refuses to help me, rather enjoys watching me dragged thru the mud, lawsuits, judgments, etc. being filed against me for not paying my bills.
you don't know how much better you have made me feel- my mothers is so selfish we cant even go on holiday without a backlash and nastiness when we return- and it has made me ill putting up with nasty comments- I have decided enough is enough- thank you for taking the time to write your own experience which has helped me a lot
I truly thought I was the only one that finally had the nerve to stand up and say that my mother is selfish. She had back surgery that went wrong. Wound up with an emergency ileostomy. I lost my son suddenly in between the two surgeries. I have been the one that has learned how to do everything with her ostomy. She refuses to learn. I am done. Am going home next week come Heck or High Water. She has really turned up the nasty dial this past week. I have permanent nerve damage too, but have learned to deal with it. Instead of a pedometer that clicks off how many steps you take, I wish someone would make one that clicks off how many times she tells me in a day that she hurts. Let the other one's call and she calls them baby this, baby that, how are you, even the bitch sister that stole her pain med's. So this grieving mother that has self dubbed myself pot liver in her eyes is hitting the road and going home to my husband and one living child. Pray I make it until next weekend then I am headed out of here and WILL NOT be back for a very long time. Sorry to vent but I have really had the hardest 3 days yet with her. If I hear her tell me 1 more time that I am no better with the death of my son, and she knows how I feel because she lost my father, I am going to a hotel. She has no idea how I feel. I lost my child, not my husband.
grievingmother, I am so sorry. How long ago was it that you lost your son? I am so glad you're going home to be with your family. Grief is not a competition, and I don't think much can compare to losing a child suddenly. I hope you find some comfort with your family.
Get the h*ll out of there and go be with your husband and son. They are grieving too, and the three of you need each other. She doesn't deserve you. The loss of a child is devastating. I know first hand. Save yourself and your family . Go home and let her OTHER children deal with her. My sincerest condolences on your horrible loss. God bless you.

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