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Our mother is 84. Has macular degeneration and has very poor eye sight. She lives alone, per her request. Will not accept any suggestions to live elsewhere. She is very angry and afraid of losing control. She attempts to control every situation. Is very argumentative and at times makes up things she thinks are said. If we offer to help she jumps all over us and if we do not help her she tells us how everyone at the Bingo hall offers to help her and are nice to her. My brother, my husband and I can never do anything that is rights and it is always our fault. In public she puts on a whole new persona. Everyone thinks she is so nice. She was recently in the hospital and the staff said how nice she is and then they heard how she treats us and told us they heard how she talked to us. If we try to be very calm and explain to her she gets very angry shouting, "stop treating me like a child. . .stop using psycho babble on me" Believe us she has a very sharp tongue. She can treat us terrible and ten minutes later act like nothing happened. Her doctor can not get her to take any mood stabilizer medications,. She will take her magnifying glass, read all the side affects then claim she is having them, so the doctor d/c the meds. It is getting harder and harder to be with her.

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i must say that my mother had npd before the dementia...but after the abuse i already took...too bad. No Contact. i love the woman who told her kids to commit her if she ever acts this way. i have done the same.
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deefer12 wrote: " As for meds not being taken, it is obvious from what each of you has written, that your loved ones are in the early stages of some form of dementia and thinking that they will take their meds on their own is not going to happen! They are in denial and will not admit to having any kind of problem mentally. Classic for people suffering from early dementia." This is so true...I'm living this right now. I know there are more physical issues the worse the dementia gets, but I wonder if these behavioral issues continue or get worse, too? I worry about how I will deal with BOTH the physical and mental/behavioral issues in the future. Of course, I also try to remember that "90% of what we worry about never happens, and the other 10% we can't control"...so why do we worry? I guess because we're human? :-)
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It is mental illness plain and simple. I live with it daily. Some may give it a fancy name and apply it to the elderly but that doesn't change what it actually is.

The only way I am able to deal with it is understanding that when a person is mentally ill, they do not know they are mentally ill. That's the core of the illness.
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It is the disease. Mo was never nasty in her entire life, but when the dementia started, she got verbally nasty and sometimes physically. They are scared and confused and can't understand what is happening to them.That does not making it any easier for us! I have been at home with Mom for 5 years now and my debt has doubled since I have been out of work. I have 6 sibs that do not visit or offer help unless I call them first, and then I can only rely on a few of them.
Mom is deep in the dementia now and can't do anything for herself. I have to bathe, dress, feed, and toilet her. She is in a wheelchair due to mobility problems from PD. She is actually easier to care for because she is safe in the high tech wheelchair that she can't tip. She is very OCD and will get into anything she can reach with her hands. She never sits still and never naps. She does sleep all night with 2 Seroquel and cannot get out of bed without help. That in itself is a blessing for me!
Walking away is the thing I have learned that keeps me sane! As for meds not being taken, it is obvious from what each of you has written, that your loved ones are in the early stages of some form of dementia and thinking that they will take their meds on their own is not going to happen! They are in denial and will not admit to having any kind of problem mentally. Classic for people suffering from early dementia. As for narcissism, that is something I don't have to deal with, but from everything I read on this site, the best way to deal with that is to ignore as much as you can and don't argue or engage in any kind of battles, because you won't win! If you can't come up with a way to make them think that taking the meds they need is their idea, then do what you need to do to keep them safe. That is the main concern. If they refuse your help, and they are not legally declared incompetent, there is nothing else you can do until they reach a point when they realize that they need help. Don't beat yourselves up. They have already done that for you!
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I find that some people's behavior and traits just get worse with Dementia. My father was very selfish, went by only his rules, never comprised and wanted his own way. It got him in trouble all his life. My father left when I was in the 3rd grade, found another very nice woman a few years later and helped raise her children. He would often tell me he had a new family now, I would have to make due. My mother died when I was in high school so I moved out on my own and took care of my younger sibling part time. My mother left a trust for us, which my dad took money out monthly for the time he had my sibling. It was thousands of dollars. Part of that trust money was mine so it was like I was paying partial support for my sibling. When I had my sibling my dad kept the money; I never saw a penny.
Now he has become extremely difficult with Dementia and I have been left holding the bag. No other family member wants any part of assisting him or helping me. He refuses everything, which he is legally entitled to. He still is physically healthy so he doesn't need or qualify for skilled nursing, but he should be in a locked down assisted living or group home that deals with Dementia. Unfortunately, he doesn't have enough money to pay for these types of private pay facilities and there is no assistance that helps pay when the person doesn't have enough money. I have been told by two attorneys, Adult Protective Services and the Guardian of the court that someone this difficult would require a conservatorship to force him into a medical evaluation. Conservatorships are costly and many times the conservator of the person pays a lot of money out of their own pockets until they can get a court order for reimbursement. Some reimbursements are denied. Court orders are needed for almost every thing.
My father is out of control and there is no way I could have him live with me. Additionally, I do not have the money to up front costs for the needed conservatorship that is required to force him into help. I would not put up with
his behavior from my children and I won't live or put up with it from him. Dementia patients still can become excellent manipulators and I won't allow that behavior under my roof. I don't think any person should allow or put up with verbally or emotionally abusive parents. If you have been so kind as to care for them under your roof and they are intolerable, move them out immediately if they have the money to pay for assisted living. Don't subject yourself or your loved family members to their abuse. Unfortunately, may of us looking after difficult Dementia patients don't have that luxury to place them into facilities because they didn't plan well for their futures. If my dad continues down his path he will be evicted and I don't know what will happen. I know I could never live with anyone who will over power me to have his own way.
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There is a focus, due to recent shooting, on mental illness in America. I believe there are many mentally ill people, in varying degrees out there. I believe my mother has some sort of mental illness. Not horribly severe but something that makes her "odd" and, well, just not normal.

I believe she has a narcissistic personality. She fits many of the definitions of a narcissistic person.

If this applies to your mother read all you can about narcissism and learn all you can to help you deal with her. Your mother is doing some of the same things my mother does. Especially concerning medications and control. Also, a narcissist is a master at fooling the public, because the public is very important to them and how they are perceived.

The narcissist thrives on attention and control. Your mother feels she is losing control and needs constant attention. You will learn that you can not change a narcissist, you have to change yourself and how you deal or do not deal with them.

Also, if more than one person in the family sees her behavior as not normal or narcissistic, then she probably has strong narcissistic characterists. We all have some narcissism, healthy narcissism. But there are a few defining traits. Lack of empathy is the number one narcissistic trait.

When my father was sick with Parkinson's, he fell in the yard. He lay there calling for help. Finally a neighbor came to his rescue. For two years after he died mom continued to make fun of him falling. She thought he was "putting on", as she put it. This was a light bulb moment for me. Who does things like that? Ask yourself, is your mom that bad or has she done something or many things that a normal, caring person would not do? And everything is about her. She will use the word "me" a millon times and in every situation she is concerned how this or that affects "me".

And the making up stories and lies, mom has a PhD in that. She twists things to suit her and over time it becomes her truth.

Like I said, there is much to learn. You can learn better ways to deal with her. Good luck to you and don't listen to those who think narcissist parents are just something you can choose to ignore. Or "just get over it" remarks. These parents have shaped and formed you and unfortunately hurt you as well.

Good luck
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One thing we all have to remember is that when our loved ones are mean to us, it really isn't them, it's the disease. Doesn't necessarily make it any easier to bear, though. My Dad was mean when he got angry, and I always tried to steer clear of him when he was that way. When my husband starts to yell at me, it just brings back those old feelings of fear and helplessness. My Dad was never physically abusive, but his words hurt more than any belt might have! I loved my Dad, but it was very hard to deal with his outbursts. I hope I can learn to turn a deaf ear and remember that the man who is ranting and raving isn't my husband but a disease that has taken him away.
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I think all our parents are somehow related.... My also can be nasty at times. This is a woman that like nonnarsom's mom, used to be the sweetest thing going. She now is nice when she thinks she has to "fool" people about her condition. Of course, as I said in another group, mom thinks she's just fine, and that there's nothing wrong with her. I'm the crazy one, she doesn't need the CG, who by mom's account "doesn't do a d**n thing all day except make me mad, and the doctor is trying to kill her with all these "illegal" drugs. OKaayyy.... She tells us that she takes her meds at night like she's supposed to, and gets evil when we ask her why they're still in the pill box. She says the someone puts them in there, but she knows that she took them because she can take care of herself.
Today I had her to her gastor doc for her hyatial hernia, which is getting worse, because she doesn't comply with the docs diet instructions or meds, and she sat there and flat out lied to him, telling him that she never eats anything she's not supposed to, and always takes her meds. The CG fixes her breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday. She gives her meds after she eats, but most of what she takes is before bed. Mind you, in spite of the CG giving her the right diet, mom has gained nearly 20 lbs in just about 3 months. But hey, she never eats anything she's not supposed to. The CG has arrived in the morning to find that she has eaten a half loaf of bread, or an entire box of crackers. Short to locking up all food, there's not much we can do. She fakes her way through visit with my idiot brother, or during phone conversations with him or other family members. She's getting less able to do that with each passing month. Even the idiot brother notices that she's having difficulty having a conversation, talks in short disjointed sentences and that her memory is getting worse than ever.
It's all part of the disease process. Mom's neurologist even explained to me that some ALZ patients can't remember when or what they ate, and that the appetite center of the brain completely switches off. In other's, like my mom, she can't remember when or what she ate, claims she's hungry all the time, and in her case the switch is stuck in the "on" position. At some point, this will change and she'll stop eating.
Don't let the yelling, name calling and accusations get to you....remember that it's not really your mom being mean, it's the disease that causes her to behave that way. I know from my own experience that it still hurts, but we've got to let it go, or it'll consume us.
Hang in there.
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There is a good thread on this site called ShowTimers. You are not alone, this happens to many elderly and unfortunately the caregivers get the brunt of the abuse. Thank heavens I can come here and see that I am not alone.
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Obviously isnt being herself..perhaps its her medicines and she is in pain..and scared. Have her Medicines checked&Stabilized so she can be calm.
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My mom gets verbally abusive at times and many times we let it go; however, if it's continual, she is not that much out of her mind that she cannot understand and be told to STOP IT THIS INSTANT. Fifteen minutes later she forgets the whole thing anyway. But we are human and have limits on abuse too. Sometimes this is why caregivers die first - because they want to.
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I think your Mom and mine are sisters, except for the macular degeneration and living alone. She lives me and acts the very same way ALL of the time until someone outside the family comes in and she is out of the house. Interesting phenomena. A distrubing one, as well.
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read up on narcissism , learn to look after yourself which is really hard but hugely worth doing, and good luck.....
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Nonnarsm: Oops, I said your Dad, but I meant your mother. BTW, my Dad is also 84 and he is mean as a snake.
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I have discovered the only way is to limit my time with them. However, I live in my own house and don't have to submit myself to the abuse. My Dad is blind due to cataracts and glaucoma and he has also lost his control. He orders my mother around like a slave, but he has always treated her like that. She will call me one day crying about his treatment of her, but the next day it is coming up roses. He will surely put Mom in her grave, and when that happens, he goes straight into the nursing home. I will not put up with his abuse, demands, and yelling to get his way. One person can only take so much. I have directed my children to put me in a nursing facility (in old age) if I ever treat them in this manner. You teach people how to treat you, and that goes for your parents too! If you go out of your way to help and it is not wanted, then stop helping....period. They will get the message really fast. Let your Dad hire someone to help him. My bet is that they will not be around for long.
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Boy, do I know what you mean! My husband does the same thing. Puts on a good show for the doctor and anyone else we meet out. With me, he can be very nasty, He often won't take his meds because he insists he just took them 20 mins ago. You can't reason with him because that part of his thinking process is gone. I have tried many of the suggestions I've seen on this blog, listened to what the doctors have said, but I don't think they believe me when I say that he gets nasty. I believe this is our loved ones way of controlling us and their situation because they can't really control anything. Knowing this doesn't change the fact that we have to live with it and are supposed to find a way to cope with it. There are thousands going through it, some more than others, but that is little comfort when you are feeling like a kicked dog. I guess we have to do as the Bible tells us: turn the other cheek. Very, very hard to do day in and day out when all you are trying to do is help. Maybe someone has a magic cure for this, but I haven't found it.
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