My mom nearly died in October and needs care. I already quit my job for her. She has another daughter that is a nurse but she won't help.

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Mama's had cancer, a heart attack, heart surgery. She's hypothyroid, hypertensive, diabetic, has pulmonary hypertension and suffers with depression. Most of the time, we make it through. Right now I'm sick and can't afford care for myself. It struck me how alone we are when I needed some things from the grocery store and didn't have anyone to go. It's just Mama and me. Older sister won't help and two other siblings are hundreds of miles away. Older sister's grown children aren't allowed by older sister to have contact with their grandmother because my older sister is angry with me.


Somehow I didn't think anyone would respond. Kind of like the way my siblings have been as well. I've been my mother's caregiver for fifteen years. People say that you should reach out and I did and no one responded.
Mayasbop please don't be insulted that no one replied to you within a matter of hours. Most often this format is used to ask advice or seek information. While I see a veiled plea, you did not ask for anything specific thus no one replied. Based on your original comment and your follow up, it is clear you're looking for understanding. I hope that you will take some unsolicited advice and talk with your local Area Agency on Aging to see what assistance might be available to both you and your mother. Depending on your own age and health, there may be programs to provide medical attention for your own conditions. Best of luck to you and your mother.
I actually have tried. And no, I don't qualify for anything.

I was told to reach out and I tried. I've tried at church, I've tried in the family and now, here. And every single time, I get blown off.

As they say here in the South Bronx, you have to "squash the beef" with your sister; for your mom's sake. If sis is working as a full-time nurse, you must understand she needs to have a life too outside the work setting. Otherwise she'll burn out and be of no use to her patients or your mom.

While you muster the courage it takes to face someone who makes your blood boil and finally resolve your deep-rooted differences, apply for public assistance -- and a home health aide -- so you can go back to work. You'll feel better about yourself and the bone you have to pick with your sister will look a lot smaller.

Wish you the best Maya, and stay in touch ... often.

-- ED
Hi mayasbop, I would bet you are depressed too - and I bet you didn't even notice that you bascially just told someone who *did* respond to you that they were "blowing you off!" There may not be an easy answer - you know the saying, "all the easy problems have been solved already." Does Mama have Medicare or anything at all? What would be the one specific thing that would most improve your life as a caregiver? And if you can't pin it down, of course it is also OK to just need to vent. People who could help but don't are a pretty common phenomenon on these discussion boards around here.
She's not a full-time anything. She doesn't like nursing. I said she's a nurse and she is, but she doesn't do any actual nursing at all.

She hasn't even tried to contact our mother since last October, so how is she of any use at all to Mama? She's not.

And I've swallowed my pride. I've even put up with my sister's physical and emotional abuse just for my mother's sake. I've done all I can do. And now, when I reach out, I get kicked in the teeth by even strangers.
I'm the one who's doing all the work and who has for fifteen years and for some reason, Judy is still getting a pass. Why? Because she might get burned out??? I reached burn out five years ago. I was the one who worked third shift in a convenience store so I could be here during the day to care for my mother. After major surgery and an eighteen inch incision, Mama couldn't be left alone at all anymore. I could have gone part-time if Judy had been willing to stay at night on the weekends and that was ALL she had to do --- sleep here. That's literally ALL she had to do. She refused and I had to quit my job, in the process losing my health care and my income.
so sorry for your situation what is going on with you is something none of us saw coming..... i have always gone to bbqs with my family - last weekend my son daughter inlaw, daughter and husband went to a bbq with 3 bands and i had to stay home with my 79 yr old. alzhemier - mom- never thought i would be in this position - my son dropped his 1 yr old daughter- which by the way makes my mom smile from ear to ear- so after all i think i had the most fun and meaningful time- ia am so sorry you have no help - how in the world do you make it financially - and what is the prob with your sis - i bet we can advise you on that - good luck
Maybe it's time to reach out to the other siblings and ask for some financial help in hiring someone to relieve you. They live far away, but that doesn't mean they can't help in another way.
Mama and I live off her pension. I watch pennies like her parents taught me to do. I don't buy anything for me unless I absolutely can't get by any other way. The car is twelve years old, but it's paid for and doesn't even have the first hundred thousand on it yet. My younger siblings have gone through their own rough patches. One's spouse was laid off and just recently went back to work. The other one's wife has a genetic lung condition that requires their finances. Neither can help out. Older sister could afford to help, but says it's not her responsibility even though we all helped her and her husband out when they needed help. Older sister pulled this when Daddy was dying too. She didn't want to be there, so she pitched a fit and left. Then she stage-managed his funeral and suddenly, it wasn't about Daddy, it was about Judy and what a good daughter she was to have loved him so much. Except it was my younger siblings and I who had to tell him that she'd left and wasn't coming back.

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