Elderly divorced mom + 2 fighting brothers = nothing good for anyone.

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My boyfriend (BF) of 9 years has a mom who is off-the-charts needy. She doesn't make sound financial decisions and has some kind of crisis every day. His older brother (OB) lives 10 minutes from their mom but isn't speaking to her. BF lives 3 hours away and has had to go see her 5 times in the last 6 months. She calls 5 times a day and is currently VERY EXCITED about getting involved with Nu Skin (there's no chance she'll do anything but lose money -- not enough friends to sell the stuff to). All of our lives are falling apart and OB is not only NOT helping, but criticizing BF constantly. They yell on the phone EVERY SINGLE TIME they talk. My parents have been gone for years and I know how hard this is, but my BF is getting the bulk of the stress. He didn't sleep last night and he's not able to put in the hours he needs for his work from home job.

I have agreed to step in and help. OB will not like this one bit and I don't care.

Current situation:
Mom has no car but can use Uber to get around.
She has lost a lot of friends because she can't just have short, happy conversations.
Seriously, people avoid her.
She recently thought a stranger on Facebook was going to come see her and they were going to live happily ever after.
She believes God is telling her what to do.

These are my plans:
1) Find a reputable person to go in and check with her two or three times a week. (The brothers thought they had someone but it didn't work out -- help?)
2) Have BF get a durable power of attorney if he doesn't already.
3) Take over the bank accounts and set up automated billing for everything possible.
4) Take away Mom's credit cards.
5) Give her a weekly allowance either with cash or a refillable debit card.

Am I missing anything? Where do I get help on #1?

Thanks in advance!


Are you planning to pay for #1?

Do you have the authority to do #s 3, 4 and 5?
#1 will be paid for by Mom. For all the financial items, BF will take those over. I'm just helping him figure out what to do and help him get things set up.
It doesn't say anywhere that your BF's mother WANTS to give him POA. If she doesn't have dementia, it's up to her IF she would even appoint one.
Just because she is neurotic and long winded, doesn't mean she's lost her marbles. It sounds like she's mentally with it. (She can take Uber, etc.)

Be prepared for her to reject your BF's offer of POA. Do you know that POA is only valid ONCE the person CAN'T make choices anymore?

So...he could be her POA but she could block him from doing anything while she is still sane.

POA is for WHEN the person can no longer be responsible for themselves. I don't think it's as easy as you think.

If you believe she may have slight dementia, make an appointment with a geriatric  neurologist. They can test her.
First, she needs to be evaluated. The only way a POA comes into effect is if she is in sound mind when she has it drawn up. If evaluation shows she is not competent to do that then guardianship is the only other option. This cost money but can be taken out of her finances. Until this is done you cannot take over her money. Personnally I would not get involved, BF is too far away to handle things. With guardianship all money spent has to be kept track of and reported yearly. This means clothing, rent, utilities, groceries, etc. Don't think BF can do this from 3 hours away. The person who should do it is the closest brother. Otherwise, will just need to let her lose whatever she has and become destitute. Which I know he doesn't want to do. Also, please realize that OB probably has had it with her. Its hard to change someone who doesn't understand or doesn't want to understand. Thats why she needs to be evaluated.
It sounds like you’ve done your homework and you know more than I did when I answered my parents distress call and we ended up with my mom in the psych hospital. This was to do an assessment on her, to see if it was mental illness or dementia causing her strange behavior. Your BF’s mom might be mentally ill or have dementia.

The POA must be done while the mom is in a sane stable state of mind and requires her signature. Also wills must be drawn up while the person is in their right mind. If you find out that mom isn’t in her right mind it’s too late to do the POA. A conservatorship or guardianship would have to be done. This is handled by an attorney before a judge in court. It costs money!

A good elder law attorney or one that does wills, POAs and estates will tell you what you need to know. Good luck!

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