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Noooooo! you are not alone, I'm here. My MIL has absolutely totally dominated my husband's life, then our family for 20 years or more. Fighting her off is extremely demanding and exhausting. She is on the phone, emailing, skyping, every single day, always wanting to know when we will next visit. She always has been a bully like you could never imagine. I started refusing to go out her, as she would bellow across rooms, streets etc. Every year she called days on end, demanding 4 times a year, that we attend her family events. I started refusing because at EVERY one, she would start bawling her demands at me, shouting to tell me off etc etc. My husband stops her, then she starts on him!. We now have rigorous rules in place, that we set ie , no family events, absolutely no going out with her and FIL, visits with strict, timed routine, and out as fast as possible. Every day almost, she is on the phone demanding that we visit. Then she emails, then she calls my mobile, then she demands skyping. I should say that we have made the 3 hour round trip to see her and FIL probably every 3 weeks over the last 20 years. We have stopped her calling us every day almost, for 20+ years, by setting our own routine and calling her 5 times a week. We take every 3rd call (we put the phone on the table, and go out the room, I swear on my life that you can hear her booming, shrieking demands from the next room), then we go back and say 'mmm' and put the phone on the table. She and FIL have twice in the past got the police to call on us, saying we are not answering! FIL is now in hospital, nearing end of life, so it's even worse. There are times when I feel I will have a breakdown. (My husband stopped living with his parents after a breakdown, and has forged his own life). No way do I have the skills needed to deal with an entity such as this. I put her out of my head until it's time to speak to her or visit her.
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Dear Treading water,
Every day I am grateful that my mother is gone. I went thru much hell with her. There were some good spots and I remember those too.
It comes to an end eventually. Bad behavior is not ok, no matter who it's from.
Take Care of yourself and family first
and someday enjoy deep breaths of gratitude guilt free that you no longer have to deal with her.
(12)
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Hi Treading water.
You are not alone, I am currently walking on eggshells with my mother. My mother is mean, mean, mean and is controlling me with her illness. I know she is not well but the paranoia is bringing me down. I cannot even get someone in the home to help because she thinks she is well. I am in need of a break, I want to run out of my own house. I feel like I am her hostage and dealing with the paranoia is bringing me down. My three older siblings are lazy and WILL not take responsibility for some of things they can do. so, I am dealing with this every single hour in the same house. Do not feel guilty, we have to take care of ourselves so we can continue providing the care we need for our mothers. I am in need of respite care and trying to find out what I need to do. I have breast cancer and trying to schedule surgery, maybe I can get my respite in hospital. I'm just afraid to go to the hospital and my mother is at home in the my house alone. Thank you for sharing

May God restore peace when there is none.
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PLEASE do a search on this site, using the word "guilt". And if that excellent advice doesn't help, see a good therapist! Guilt is a waste of energy.
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Same here! If she was anyone else, would you put up with her crap? Just because she was your egg donor does NOT mean you have to tolerate from her what you wouldn't tolerate from anybody else! I don't mean to sound harsh! God bless you and please take care of yourself and your children!
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Self pity. I forgot that one. That was another of my mother's favorite weapons. self pity, guilt, persecution complex.

Regardless, after over 6 decades and with it being worse now by several orders of magnitude, I'm done.

So, i know exactly what you're feeling. Is she safe? can she hurt herself or anybody else? If the answers are yes and no, you're golden. Don't beat yourself up. Does no good for anybody.

Roger
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You're not alone. 63 years I've known her, my mother lived her life by "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" and made dang sure everybody was miserable and knew why. Someone mentioned to me in one of my quesitons "F.O.G. (fear, obligation, guilt)". She had an arsenal of weapons like that plus persecution complex/poor pitiful me but especially honed guilt to a razor edge over the years. And now that she's somewhere between Alzheimer's and dementia, it's the same thing but on steroids.

My dad had a stroke and was in bad shape anyway and is essentially unable to communicate but I can't even visit with him as it turns into all her all the time. (they're sharing a room in a nursing home). I can't call or text asking about him as i get no response other than how badly she's treated.

I can no longer stand to be around her and there's no relationship with her beyond how badly she's treated.

Don't feel guilty. You're not and feeling that way won't help anyone, least of all yourself.

As an aside, she's totally different to the nursing home staff. They just love her and think she's the sweetest thing ever. The staff at this place is awesome beyond words. Both my parents are safe and cared for and beyond that, I really don't have anything left in the tank now.

Roger
(11)
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Oh wow! I thought I was alone in this world. I am living with and taking care of my Mother who goes out of her way to make me miserable any chance she gets. She actually believes in her mind that shes doing right. What shes not realizing is im not a prisoner and Im not sentenced to be there. She thinks the ridicule and humiliation of leaving her helpless is going to keep me there. Problem is i deal with the ridicule and humiliation on a daily basis and I am there taking care of her and paying her bills. This woman has put her hands on me in anger and Im done. I dont even care what happens to her anymore. i believe Im going to move out to preserve my health. Every time i hear her voice my chest clenches into knots. The guilt the humiliation the ridicule. fuck it i deal with it anyway.
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Hello, Hello, Venting dear!

Oh! You're just on the right path.... you're on the way to finding the perfect way to tackle your challenge! CONGRATS TO YOU! Ten points, Venting!

And your idea is not so weird at all! It's a great skill. [Well, at least that's my way of viewing it.]

Keep up your work of caring for yourself, and creating healthy boundaries. [I would recommend you read the book THE BOUNDARY IS YOU. It's very helpful in building a healthy self, caring for yourself, and that automatically leads to being able to help other people without destroying your own life and freedom.]

You are a great person. Believe me, it will come a time that you'll reflect on yourself and say: OMG! I've become such a happy, healthy person. Thank you God for sending me this challenge.

Take it from me, Venting!

Best wishes!

Love ya,
Belle
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yes, venting! take care of YOU.

put yourself first.
don’t allow anyone to drown you.

your life is just as precious.
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Lots of empathy to you LizzyFizzy and everyone.

I’m trying to follow Belle’s advice (in particular point 3).

It’s weird (and I think it might be true for many of us) :

I’m much better at being kind to others, than myself — in the sense that:

My mother’s problems are (objectively) very urgent. So I try to help right away.

But this goes on and on…

And my life goes down and down, because literally there are few minutes left for me in the day.

My day is spent:
-recovering from the abuse
-helping with urgent problems
-trying to work

I’ll try to make a major change.

My problems are just as urgent.

This will sound weird:
but I’ll have to imagine I’m someone else (a friend), and I urgently must help my friend.

Empathy to you all & I hope everyone finds a great, positive (for yourself) path forward!
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I had the worst fight with my mother because she has labeled me as the scapegoat. The golden daughter (my sister) has already discussed Thanksgiving and that just took me over the edge. Who discusses Thanksgiving in March, a narcissist sister who wants to look like she’s more caring then everyone. My mother just instigates and tries to have us turn on each other. I would never do this to my daughter, how I survived is a miracle.

My life is much better without them but it’s very hurtful to reflect on it.
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Very kind, Belle, thank you!!

“the good news is, though, that there is a perfect way to tackle each challenge. And when you overcome a challenge, you become a better and healthier person. AND THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF LIFE!”

Very positive attitude! I love it!

And I’ll try this:
“the good news is, though, that there is a perfect way to tackle each challenge.”

Searching for the perfect way :).

THANK YOU.
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Hi Treading water, and to all who are in her shoes.
I feel your pain. I've experienced something so similar, and this is what I've learnt:

1-NEVER FEEL GUILTY!
You are a good person and you're doing your best. To prove what I'm saying, just look on how guilty you're feeling! This proves that you truly do care for your mom, [and deep, deep down, perhaps, you also love her. Just for the fact that she brought you to life.] And this is despite the fact that all she caused you in your life is abuse, anguish, and pain. Therefore, you have nothing to feel guilty about, the problem is all hers. Whatever you're doing, is to be admired.

2-DON'T CUT OFF WITH HER, SHE'S YOUR MOM - but do make sure to CREATE BOUNDARIES, and to PROTECT YOURSELF and YOUR FAMILY.
This can be accomplished by speaking to a smart person who can advise you when you should or shouldn't visit or bring home your mom. And perhaps a good therapist can teach you how to be totally indifferent, and remain calm and happy at the times you are with her.

3-LIFE IS CREATED TO ENJOY, AND AT THE SAME TIME, LIFE IS FULL OF CHALLENGES. the good news is, though, that there is a perfect way to tackle each challenge. And when you overcome a challenge, you become a better and healthier person. AND THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF LIFE!

Good luck to all of you!
Belle
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hugs, venting!! please find a way!!
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Heart-felt empathy from me to everyone with abusive parents.

I need to vent!

I’ve been totally depressed for a day, not really understanding why — until I realized again, it’s because I was yelled at all day yesterday by my abusive elderly mother.

I was helping her. It was necessary help.

When I get depressed I sleep (to try to escape). I eat bad food all day. It’s like I self-destruct. I guess the junk food is comforting.

I need to scream.

(I’m very calm, friendly when I speak to her).

My mother has been abusive to me my whole life. And like many adult children, suddenly we’re helping our abusive parent.

This will go on for years.

It’s destroying my mind (stress). And I can’t work properly, because after helping her, I have to recover from the abuse.

I know many people are in exactly the same situation as me.

She’ll continue forever.

She treats my brother very well. He does nothing to help. I know it’s a common scenario.

All of us with good hearts, wanting to be kind to our parents (even when they’re abusive)…

I need to find a way to stop being attacked.

Dear Bundleofjoy,

Below you wrote:

“difficult people will affect you, no matter how hard you try to be unaffected.
----physical symptoms/stress
----mental symptoms/stress
----time lost”

That’s exactly how I feel.
I must find a way out.
(7)
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Do not feel guilty. I would imagine she was like that all through your childhood.
I know mine was. She has no regard for others. I truly understand your anger your frustration and your hurt. Yes it hurts a lot...
(7)
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No you are not alone. Your story is very familiar.
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adding to my comment below :)

and please be careful:

we all know it, but we must remind ourselves.

difficult people will affect you, no matter how hard you try to be unaffected.
----physical symptoms/stress
----mental symptoms/stress

----time lost, having to move like a ninja through all the attacks

----opportunities you don't EVEN REALIZE you've lost, because you're very busy dealing with attacks.

hug!!
(3)
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just a general comment here for people dealing with difficult/impossible elderly LOs (sound mind).

it’s unfortunate because:

it’s already so stressful (the emergency/whatever you’re dealing with)

…and then there’s the additional, totally unnecessary stress from difficult LOs on top of that.

i wonder if almost 100% of difficult LOs (sound mind) never took care of their own elderly parents (because they died young/whatever reason).

and,
unfortunately,

these difficult LOs feel good when they dump stress on you — so from their point of view it’s “necessary” to dump it on you.

very unkind.
totally undeserved.

i send compassion AND i hope anyone in this situation has a lot of luck in finding good solutions.

hug!!!

wishing us all a great weekend!!! :) :)

bundle of joy :)
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More guilt for no reason.
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dear veez,

hug!!
unfortunate you feel at home here.

sending big hugs to you, with all you’re going through!

bundle of joy
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Wow, I feel at home here.
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Is your Mom, my Mom?! LOL. It is truly bc of this forum that I have been able to put boundaries in place. You are not alone! <3 My Father just passed. He was not allowed to pass at home. Leading up to the Holidays, I set in place that we would celebrate Holidays with her during the Holiday season, so I could protect the actual day for my grown Kids & their other relatives. I will probs forever feel guilty for implementing this, but I must preserve my sanity. Smartest thing I ever did. Spent 1 day, every 5 days with her month of Dec. Years of her Alcoholism during my MS & HS yrs, replaced by mental illnesses: manic years followed by NPD & either BP or Borderline...coupled w/pathological lying. I will continue to be there for her every week until the end of time (2 hrs away) but boundaries, boundaries, boundaries...... Hard enough as is. I do not have her to my home, anymore. I see life as glass 1/2 full to overflowing. She is the complete opposite. Yells non stop. Criticizes non stop... YOU are entitled to have life for yourself & with your children & other family & friends. Hold firm & change it up for future holidays, etc... Glad you posted. Seriously, I could have written this.
(4)
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87 year old mom is a narcissist. I moved her into a memory care but she is still verbally abusive to other patients and the staff. It is so difficult to visit her because she is so mean and nasty. Before my sister died I was no contact but I am all the family she has now. Just the thought of a short visit causes anxiety and nauseousness.
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I was blessed with the best parents and never had this issue. I am curious to know if anyone has ever tried to get your mom to see how her negativity is affecting those around her, like when she was a younger mother.? How did your father hold up? Did she have siblings? Do you know anything about her childhood and her mother?
I ask these things because the answer would depend on knowing these things. We are a product of our "perception" of our experiences. Yet we as adults have choices,no matter what experiences we have. You have all the right in the world to choose to disconnect from your mother. I suspect she would not miss you much because she has plenty around to abuse.Your kids and the grands deserve the best life and it sounds like everyone will carry emotional scars due to her tyrancy. You can always just go visit her, bring a gift, stay 10 minutes, if that eases any guilt and any other family member that has a need to see her can do the same. No need bringing her to the family. Let anyone that needs to, go visit her.. She has made her own bed she can sleep in it by herself. ~God Bless
(4)
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Tammyslancione,

Get out of there! If your mom is telling her that God is not pleased with your care of her, that is a lie. God is not your problem. Stand up for yourself, leave and ask God for help and strength. Sounds like your mom groomed you perfectly for this abuse and even used God to shut her case closed. Break out! Leave! Let her sleep in the bed she has made!
(11)
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My mom same way. It pushes me away and i feel guilty as hell. Nothing i mean nothing is good enough. She never says Thank you. She tries to treat me like a child. She knows everything and me nothing. She lies drinks and smokes pot. I do not like the person she has become and cant stand to go around her anymore, but i have to because my siblings wont do anything. She really wasn't the best mom as a child. I had a real messed up childhood, but i stuck by her all the way. I cant no more and i know God is not pleased in any way and i have a real hard time dealing with that. I am lost sad and confused
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OMG I feel your pain!
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I think we need a club for the unfortunate children of the narcissists out there - it 's a pretty big club. Sadly, I am now 66 years old and my mother is now looking for me and my husband to take care of her!
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