She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
Every day I am grateful that my mother is gone. I went thru much hell with her. There were some good spots and I remember those too.
It comes to an end eventually. Bad behavior is not ok, no matter who it's from.
Take Care of yourself and family first
and someday enjoy deep breaths of gratitude guilt free that you no longer have to deal with her.
You are not alone, I am currently walking on eggshells with my mother. My mother is mean, mean, mean and is controlling me with her illness. I know she is not well but the paranoia is bringing me down. I cannot even get someone in the home to help because she thinks she is well. I am in need of a break, I want to run out of my own house. I feel like I am her hostage and dealing with the paranoia is bringing me down. My three older siblings are lazy and WILL not take responsibility for some of things they can do. so, I am dealing with this every single hour in the same house. Do not feel guilty, we have to take care of ourselves so we can continue providing the care we need for our mothers. I am in need of respite care and trying to find out what I need to do. I have breast cancer and trying to schedule surgery, maybe I can get my respite in hospital. I'm just afraid to go to the hospital and my mother is at home in the my house alone. Thank you for sharing
May God restore peace when there is none.
Regardless, after over 6 decades and with it being worse now by several orders of magnitude, I'm done.
So, i know exactly what you're feeling. Is she safe? can she hurt herself or anybody else? If the answers are yes and no, you're golden. Don't beat yourself up. Does no good for anybody.
Roger
My dad had a stroke and was in bad shape anyway and is essentially unable to communicate but I can't even visit with him as it turns into all her all the time. (they're sharing a room in a nursing home). I can't call or text asking about him as i get no response other than how badly she's treated.
I can no longer stand to be around her and there's no relationship with her beyond how badly she's treated.
Don't feel guilty. You're not and feeling that way won't help anyone, least of all yourself.
As an aside, she's totally different to the nursing home staff. They just love her and think she's the sweetest thing ever. The staff at this place is awesome beyond words. Both my parents are safe and cared for and beyond that, I really don't have anything left in the tank now.
Roger
Oh! You're just on the right path.... you're on the way to finding the perfect way to tackle your challenge! CONGRATS TO YOU! Ten points, Venting!
And your idea is not so weird at all! It's a great skill. [Well, at least that's my way of viewing it.]
Keep up your work of caring for yourself, and creating healthy boundaries. [I would recommend you read the book THE BOUNDARY IS YOU. It's very helpful in building a healthy self, caring for yourself, and that automatically leads to being able to help other people without destroying your own life and freedom.]
You are a great person. Believe me, it will come a time that you'll reflect on yourself and say: OMG! I've become such a happy, healthy person. Thank you God for sending me this challenge.
Take it from me, Venting!
Best wishes!
Love ya,
Belle
put yourself first.
don’t allow anyone to drown you.
your life is just as precious.
I’m trying to follow Belle’s advice (in particular point 3).
It’s weird (and I think it might be true for many of us) :
I’m much better at being kind to others, than myself — in the sense that:
My mother’s problems are (objectively) very urgent. So I try to help right away.
But this goes on and on…
And my life goes down and down, because literally there are few minutes left for me in the day.
My day is spent:
-recovering from the abuse
-helping with urgent problems
-trying to work
I’ll try to make a major change.
My problems are just as urgent.
This will sound weird:
but I’ll have to imagine I’m someone else (a friend), and I urgently must help my friend.
Empathy to you all & I hope everyone finds a great, positive (for yourself) path forward!
My life is much better without them but it’s very hurtful to reflect on it.
“the good news is, though, that there is a perfect way to tackle each challenge. And when you overcome a challenge, you become a better and healthier person. AND THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF LIFE!”
Very positive attitude! I love it!
And I’ll try this:
“the good news is, though, that there is a perfect way to tackle each challenge.”
Searching for the perfect way :).
THANK YOU.
I feel your pain. I've experienced something so similar, and this is what I've learnt:
1-NEVER FEEL GUILTY!
You are a good person and you're doing your best. To prove what I'm saying, just look on how guilty you're feeling! This proves that you truly do care for your mom, [and deep, deep down, perhaps, you also love her. Just for the fact that she brought you to life.] And this is despite the fact that all she caused you in your life is abuse, anguish, and pain. Therefore, you have nothing to feel guilty about, the problem is all hers. Whatever you're doing, is to be admired.
2-DON'T CUT OFF WITH HER, SHE'S YOUR MOM - but do make sure to CREATE BOUNDARIES, and to PROTECT YOURSELF and YOUR FAMILY.
This can be accomplished by speaking to a smart person who can advise you when you should or shouldn't visit or bring home your mom. And perhaps a good therapist can teach you how to be totally indifferent, and remain calm and happy at the times you are with her.
3-LIFE IS CREATED TO ENJOY, AND AT THE SAME TIME, LIFE IS FULL OF CHALLENGES. the good news is, though, that there is a perfect way to tackle each challenge. And when you overcome a challenge, you become a better and healthier person. AND THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF LIFE!
Good luck to all of you!
Belle
I need to vent!
I’ve been totally depressed for a day, not really understanding why — until I realized again, it’s because I was yelled at all day yesterday by my abusive elderly mother.
I was helping her. It was necessary help.
When I get depressed I sleep (to try to escape). I eat bad food all day. It’s like I self-destruct. I guess the junk food is comforting.
I need to scream.
(I’m very calm, friendly when I speak to her).
My mother has been abusive to me my whole life. And like many adult children, suddenly we’re helping our abusive parent.
This will go on for years.
It’s destroying my mind (stress). And I can’t work properly, because after helping her, I have to recover from the abuse.
I know many people are in exactly the same situation as me.
She’ll continue forever.
She treats my brother very well. He does nothing to help. I know it’s a common scenario.
All of us with good hearts, wanting to be kind to our parents (even when they’re abusive)…
I need to find a way to stop being attacked.
Dear Bundleofjoy,
Below you wrote:
“difficult people will affect you, no matter how hard you try to be unaffected.
----physical symptoms/stress
----mental symptoms/stress
----time lost”
That’s exactly how I feel.
I must find a way out.
I know mine was. She has no regard for others. I truly understand your anger your frustration and your hurt. Yes it hurts a lot...
and please be careful:
we all know it, but we must remind ourselves.
difficult people will affect you, no matter how hard you try to be unaffected.
----physical symptoms/stress
----mental symptoms/stress
----time lost, having to move like a ninja through all the attacks
----opportunities you don't EVEN REALIZE you've lost, because you're very busy dealing with attacks.
hug!!
it’s unfortunate because:
it’s already so stressful (the emergency/whatever you’re dealing with)
…and then there’s the additional, totally unnecessary stress from difficult LOs on top of that.
i wonder if almost 100% of difficult LOs (sound mind) never took care of their own elderly parents (because they died young/whatever reason).
and,
unfortunately,
these difficult LOs feel good when they dump stress on you — so from their point of view it’s “necessary” to dump it on you.
very unkind.
totally undeserved.
i send compassion AND i hope anyone in this situation has a lot of luck in finding good solutions.
hug!!!
wishing us all a great weekend!!! :) :)
bundle of joy :)
hug!!
unfortunate you feel at home here.
sending big hugs to you, with all you’re going through!
bundle of joy
I ask these things because the answer would depend on knowing these things. We are a product of our "perception" of our experiences. Yet we as adults have choices,no matter what experiences we have. You have all the right in the world to choose to disconnect from your mother. I suspect she would not miss you much because she has plenty around to abuse.Your kids and the grands deserve the best life and it sounds like everyone will carry emotional scars due to her tyrancy. You can always just go visit her, bring a gift, stay 10 minutes, if that eases any guilt and any other family member that has a need to see her can do the same. No need bringing her to the family. Let anyone that needs to, go visit her.. She has made her own bed she can sleep in it by herself. ~God Bless
Get out of there! If your mom is telling her that God is not pleased with your care of her, that is a lie. God is not your problem. Stand up for yourself, leave and ask God for help and strength. Sounds like your mom groomed you perfectly for this abuse and even used God to shut her case closed. Break out! Leave! Let her sleep in the bed she has made!