My mom has Parkinson's and her balance is what gives her the most trouble. She falls a lot and will not use cane.

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shes very stubborn and has fallen a lot because she will spin around fast even tho she knows she cant she dosent want to use her walker and barley uses her cane she has injured herself because of this and had to have surgery i dont know what to do anymore she wont listen to me at all sometimes she dosent take her pd meds but always takes her pain pills, she takes too many my problem is i dont know where to turn for help with her, if i tell the drs about her behavior she tells them im a liar, shes getting hateful and demanding also she wants me to do everything for her, she sits at her computer for 14 hrs every day wont get up to feed herself or even go to the bathroom shes so addicted to her computer games its crazy but she spends every day in her computer room dosent even want to let her dogs out its becomming a big problem, please someone help me im exausted


My heart really goes out to you. You are doing so much and are so caring and wonderful to your mother. I do understand the part about not wanting to use the cane, walker, etc. My MIL was very stubborn about using a cane and she could barely walk. For so long, tried to convince her to use the cane which she finally did, but often would walk along grabbing onto furniture. She was so bent over doing this and it didn't make sense. When I would take her out of the house she had a "walking stick" - it is a straight piece of wood with no handle. For the longest time, I was so dumb and thought she used this outdoors as it gave her better balance. But, she later told me one time when we were out that she liked the "look" of it better. She didn't feel it was the same as a cane - funny really. When she came to live with us, per doctor's orders, we took away the cane and replaced with a walker which she desperately needed as she too had taken falls and hurt herself.

She could walk so much better with the walker - it improved her balance 100% and she could stand up straight, which eased her back discomfort and pain. The ends they will go to for appearances sake is beyond me; especially when she was 89 years old. Vanity be thy name - but it might come back to haunt you - in the form of injuries that are unecessary.

Does your mom have dementia? That could cause the mood swings. Don't know how you can get her away from the computer - I realize she is overdoing it, but at least she has an interest in something and it keeps her busy.

Have you ever been in touch with Elder Services in your town? If not, give them a call and they can put you in touch with people there that have many great suggestions that some of us would never think of.

Do hope you can find solutions; it is exhausting. These outside resources can truly be so helpful. Take care.
I second the advice of 3pinkroses -- hook up with your local Elder Services or Social Services or Department of Aging, etc., to learn about resources in your community.

Taking too many pain pills and not taking the PD pills sounds like a problem. This is something to talk to your local resources about, and also to discuss with her doctor -- how to help Mom manage her medications successfully. It may be that a weekly visiting nurse to set up the meds and discuss them with her would be a help. Her doctor should definitely know about the lack of compliance. And don't worry if she calls you a liar. Doctors are used to this.

I see the addiction to the comptuer games as somewhat less of a problem than the drugs. At least she is not sitting staring at a blank wall, and games are at least interactive so she isn't passive all day. But naturally she does need to take bathroom and eating breaks. If you can find some way to enforce that, that would be positive.

A nurse was here last month doing an evaluation for PCA services for my husband. She remarked that when she goes into a home and sees a bell to call for services near the patient's chair she is always afraid the person is getting waited on too much. If at all possible, they should be walking or wheeling themselves into the kitchen to get their own glass of water. Waiting on them constantly is a disservice because it encourages further decline. So ... I hope you can get your mother to at least get up from the computer and wait on herself for meals, to the extent that she can.

I recently read the statistic that at least 40% of PD patients develop dementia. Do you think that could be going on with your mother?

My heart goes out to you, opaltt. Try not to give up caring for yourself while you tackle this challenging situation with your mother.

I must agree with 3pinkroses and jeannegibbs. The first step is to notify your Mom's Dr. about the medication noncompliance. The fact that she will call you a "liar" will in no way diminish the Dr.'s opinion on the seriousness of the situation. As jeannegibbs pointed out, physicians are accustomed to this type of behavior in many of their elderly patients. particularly those with PD or Dementia disorders.
Next ,you want to contact your local Dept. on Aging. They have access agencies set up regionally that have Sr. Care Managers that will come out to the home and access your Mother's condition, physically, cognitivley and emotionally. They will also access the home environment for safety. They will make a recommendation for services, and this can be everything from skilled nursing assistance to help with the medication compliance to homemaking or PCA (Personal Care Aide) services.
If conditions don't improve and your Mom refuses help, it is possible they may feel that your Mom in endangering herself,. At that point they may even contact The States Dept. Protective Services to step in and they will make sure that your Mom
is receiving the proper assistance to remain safe in her own home environment.
Please do not feel guilty about reaching out to the professionals. You are looking out for your Mothers best interest, whether she realizes it or not.
Thank you all for your advice, my son and his wife are coming to help me they needed to get away from where they were living and i despertly need help so it will be good, and i miss them so much it feels like im all alone nobody cares or even trys to help me with my mom, thanks again for the help i will contact the place you all told me bout, God bless you and i hope you all have a great day!!!!
i just brought her home from the hosp. i am controlling the meds and making sure she dosent get hurt again, wish me luck, right now she cant really do much shes in bed and wearing adult diapers but im making sure she dosent get up alone and im cooking her healthy meals
I just want to comment on the extreme use of computer seems that when folks get older, we tend to look more at a generic picture of what kind of health issues they might have based on their age. However, I can't help wondering if she might be ADHD or ADD and be doing whatever she can to get the stimulation craved when you have those challenges. I, too, am on my computer more than I should be, reading news and emails, etc, but I know it's because of the stimulation of NEW news....but breaking it is hard.

She also might be using the computer as an escape mechanism...while she is engaged with the computer, she doesn't have to think about how her life is out of control. But very sad that she doesn't let the dogs out, etc. You might try giving her the computer on a limited basis and encourage her to interact in conversation some of the time as well. Good luck
im pretty sure shes not add or adhd , but thanks for the advice,I appriciate your suggestions, its very hard to talk to her cause she does not seem like she cares at all , it is sad cause she has changed so much its frustrating for me because i cant get her to do anything, she wont help herself at all and its exausting for me she can be hateful and awful sometimes she expects me to take care of everything if i dont everything falls apart i just want her to do the things that she can but she wont, she is going to give me poa so i can have a lil more control in case things get worse, also i dont work i cant because i have to be here with her but i need to work cause i have no income and my mother is not poor so she dosent qualify for help , she says my job is to take care of her, but it would b nice to have some cooperation
Opaltt - after you contact the agencies suggested; perhaps your mother can afford and qualify for some in-home care/assistance that you otherwise would not have realized. I think in these situations where you are the only one to take care of your mother - she needs to understand that you need to still work. Maybe if you explain to her that you need financial stability and by not working, you are also losing out on social security contributions that would allow you more benefits when you retire.

Believe me, I understand when they won't listen - it is sooo frustrating. I do hope and outside agency can help you - your job is not to take care of your mother. It is a responsibility to help her and coordinate her care - tell her that is a job in itself, but you really can't leave yourself financially vulnerable.

These are difficult decisions and discussions to have; but they are necessary. I have been the only one to take care of my father, mother and mother-in-law and this went on for close to 10 years and I have financially lost out as well. My father and MIL have passed - my MIL just 6 months ago and she was living with us. I have a chronic pain problem that has become worse due to all the stress involved in caretaking and long distance driving which I still do to take care of my mother's needs at the nursing home. Of course, a nursing home is much easier; I have done the in-home care as well and had to do all this care or they would have been lost. I would never have abandoned any of them, but it does come with some substantial ramifications that unfortunately are financial.

Good luck talking to some professionals, I feel certain they can help you. Blessings to you and take care.
thank you for understanding i also have health issues and i need to see a dentist but cant because i dont have insurance i get headaches a lot cause of the stress bus she keeps demanding i do everything for her and has no regard for my health or well being i feel lost and im always tired, but she spent almost 4000 dollars on her dog! but complains if i need something she was spending 500 dollars a week on lottery tickets, so i dont bother asking for much i dont want to listen to her complain but i know i cant continue to be abused either
I feel for you. I have a narcissistic father and some of what you describe, he also does. I hope that you know that it is NOT your job to take care of her. Your being there, doing what you *do* for her, is because you love her and want to help her, but you are not obligated legally. Sometimes I think parents like to buy into the honor they father and mother commandment once it is THEIR turn to be the mother or father, but they somehow didn't feel the need when *they* were the child. Nor do they see the need to do unto others, when it comes to how they treat their children. One thing I'm feeling (because I've had to do it myself) is that you might try some baby steps working on creating a few boundaries/buffers between you and your mother. It seems that she has no respect for your space, but rather does that thing where they think that since we are the children, they own us even when we are 50. That is not the case. When we lived in their homes, we had to do as they said, but those days are long gone and it will be hard for them to GET, but it will be very helpful for your own sanity and peace of mind to reclaim some independence, even if it's just a little teeny bit at a time. There's a book that I find helpful called, Learning to say No: Establishing healthy boundaries by Carla Wills-Brandon. The first time I read it, it was hard...and a bit overwhelming, because it hit so close to home. But each time I go back to it, I find new things, and I am also able to see how I've developed. Also, if you will google the title of the book, I found other resources and articles on the same topic that might be helpful. I think I read that we can't post websites, so you can find them yourself.

Also, I am a dog lover and rescuer. My dogs are my children and I love them dearly. Having said that...if she can spend $4000 on her dog and $500 on lotto tickets, she can afford to hire some help and/or pay YOU a good salary for your energy and time. If she doesn't, it is because she doesn't want to. And if she doesn't care enough about your wellbeing to either compensate you a reasonable amount for your services OR give you a break by hiring others, then you might consider taking a stand for yourself....otherwise, no one will. Hang in there and please keep in touch with us.

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