I'm in a rut but "mom has the answer."

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The other day my mother (advanced PD) who is taking care of me financially so that I can take care of her always wants to buy me "everything" except the home agency care that I want. The other day she told me that she's tired of seeing me in sweats and sweatshirts and she wants to buy me outfits. (I always tell her to save her $$$ for home care). The other day I took it a step futher and told her why buy me clothes since they'll sit in the closet since I don't go anywhere. But mom informed me that I am in a rut and need new clothes so that I can go out with her and her friends to lunch more. Gee, and I thought what might get me out of my rut was seeing my boyfriend who I left 800 miles behind and see from rarely to very seldom might get me out of my rut but mom let me know that I just need to spend MORE time with her and to throw her friends in the mix. Who know? Don't know whether to laugh or cry!


She's just seeing you unhappy, and reaching for the thing that has helped her and "must" therefore help you, too: going out with friends. The "rut" problem might be the truth. Any ways you can think of to disrupt that for yourself, not invoking outfits and lunch? Good luck!
I may be guessing, but if she still sees you as her " child" then to her your
"boyfriend" is a person thats just passing thru, like when we were in Highschool.
K -- you might as well laugh, because crying makes your eyes hurt later.

I think that it is time to renegotiate your "contract" with her. You will supervise her care and remain hundreds of miles from your homebase to do it, and she will support you financially and also pay for some homecare help, to be determined by you. It is her money, but you really have the upper hand here, if you'd just gently but firmly use it. You can always leave. Then what? To keep you from leaving she needs to be willing to provide what you need. And it is not fancy clothes! It doesn't sound like your mother has dementia (at least yet) and you should be able to have rational discussions with her. It is not about who is "right" about what is good for you. It is about the conditions you set in order to be willing to provide the service she wants and needs. Of course you are making this sacrifice out of love, too, but that doesn't mean you have to be a loving doormat.

Good luck!
Jeannegibbs: I guess I forgot to add that mom is not part of the 1%. There is no way she could afford what you suggested in your response. i.e. paying for me to live away from her AND pay for home health care. Sounds like a dream but that's really all it is. If we win lottery, sounds like a viable plan though. Thanks!
K, although I understand your post and the humor or lack of humor you were commenting on, I think you might be headed for a big problem. If you're allowing your mother to financially help you now, then you are basically telling her that your personal life is NOT important. She means for you to put any future of a family of your own on hold, while you take care of her till she dies. This is a slippery slope you're headed for I'm afraid. If already you're lamenting the fact that you can't see your boyfriend, what will it be like in 10 years? Is this the life you want for yourself? Is this the life that your mother wants, to see her daughter become more and more resentful and sad? Only you can answer these questions, but I've gotta tell you, it worries me.
I think you're right. I am headed toward a big problem -- many of which I didn't see coming and some out of my control 1) Mom's rapid PD decline 2) a job mkt that I've been aged out of 3) being an only child and wanting to do the right thing by my only surviving parent. I did not want to "ALLOW MY MOTHER TO FINANCIAL HELP ME". 99 wiks of unemployment ran out the same time mom broke her hip and landed in the hosp for 2 mos needing me more than before.
Certainly didn't sign up for seeing my boyfriend so little but he lives in another state (that's where his bz that he owns is). Sometime life gives you a shit sandwich -- sorry my french and that's really all there is to say.
I got the impression that your mom is not entirely broke, and that she is willing to spend money on you, for things that she chooses. Instead you want her to spend that money of what you truly want -- some help. I wasn't suggesting that she pay you to live away from her. If you lived away from her you could presumably support yourself. No, I meant that you continue to be her primary caregiver, which she pays for, and also there are additional services provided by outsiders, which she pays for. If she really cannot pay for all the care she needs (and certainly many seniors are in that spot) then it is time to see what kind of financial help she is entitled to.

To let mother insist on spending her money "on you" in ways you do not want it spent and refuse to spend it on ways that would help you take care of her is very hard to understand. "Mother, if I am going to stay here and be your primary caregiver, we need to figure out how that job can be made easier for me, so I don't burn out. I hope you'll be around for many years, so let's set this up to be workable for the long haul. One thing I need to do is visit my boyfrend more often and for longer periods. So we need to make arrangements for respite care."

I think you need to see the picture more clearly. Instead of letting your mother "take care of you financially," see your mother as employing you to take care of her. The pay is room and board and whatever else she gives you. You are not her little girl living on an allowance. You are an adult making a huge sacrifice on her behalf. You need to have control in how you live your personal life. If you don't want to dress up and go out with her friends, you are certainly not obligated to!

I don't know how old your mother is, or where she is in the progression of her disease. If she is 98 and/or in the final stage of PD and eligible for Hospice, then not rocking the boat, laughing it off, and sticking it out may make more sense. But if you are looking ahead to 3 or 5 or 10 more years of caring for Mom, sounds to me like some changes are needed.
You made some really good points Jeanne and I do appreciate that. I really mean that thank you. You are right -- mom's not broke -- middle class -- not upper just middle. When I came here 3 yrs ago to help she was more mobile and I was actively searching for work in my field while collecting uenmployment and I was even paying for my health care with my unemployment. Mom brought up that she wanted to pay me to care for her and I was NO WAY MOM. Looking for teaching job and while I'm working you can get home care. Well, here we are 3 yrs later, no job, and doing what I said NO WAY MOM just 3 yrs ago due to no jobs and mom's rapid delcine. You are right Jeanne I need to be more vocal about my needs. I just always feel a twinge of guilt because I was independent for so long and now I have to say mother may I?: I'll be 52 in April and that's not easy for me. Mom is 75 going on 76. Her PD is progressing fast prob due to br cancer 5 yrs back and THEN the PD diagnosis and then the hip fracture. She's starting to become confused and anxious about bills, taxes and anything that has to do with numbers -- the phone, etc. But I need to be more vocal. Thank you. Sorry if I seemed snippy. This siamese twin existence gets to me sometimes. My bad!
I'm sure everyone here understands being snippy so don't feel bad. Just glad you understand what Jeannegibbs was trying to convey. It's pretty hard to understand through posting/emails what someone is really communicating. We don't always say clearly what the full story is because it's not always easy to share with people you don't really know...yet. But hopefully you will feel more comfortable now as I have leaned from being here. I'm no longer taking care of my Mom but when I needed friends/support they were here. Best to you, you've rec'vd good advise, hope it will encourage you to empower yourself. When you feel better so will Mom....it's an adjustment...so it'll feel uncomfortable at first.
A friend with a view.

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