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I take care of my 78 year old grandmother. I'm here after researching the reverse of elder abuse (patients who abuse caregivers). I'm desperate for help. Everyone I've spoken to about my grandma's behavior believes she has dementia. However, she refuses to be tested & blames all the ensuing fights--recently become physical--on me. Nothing is her fault. If I confront her about an aggressive behavior she does--& believe me, she gets very physically threatening--she denies it & says I did it to her.

She is very manipulative & controlling, albeit in a very passive-aggressive way. Before this "switch" in personalities, which started 2 months ago, she would say "Ah-men! (amen)" or "I'm all upset!" when we need to discuss something. Whenever she said this, she'd walk away, sulk, & not eat a meal because her "stomach's all upset." She's never taken responsibility for her actions & instead has always blamed it on others.

She's told me that I'm fat (which I am), that I have "turkey legs" & she has "chicken thighs", not to "eat all those cookies!" when I only take two, & told my father to sit next to her in a restaurant booth because "there's no room" where I was sitting. (I was taking off my winter coat at the time, & there was more than enough room for him.)

She refuses to listen to me because I do not have the requisite equipment (read: I'm not a male, & I'm not my father), so any time I need to discuss something with her, it becomes a fight which ends in me telling her to "Call Dad."

She's begun to "forbid" me from calling my father, & has tried to prevent me from doing so during a particularly bad fight in the last few days. She's become obsessed with the amount of money I have & the amount of toilet paper I use, & tries to regulate how much I use. She's become paranoid that I'm snooping (have never done so), & tells all her friends that I'm "abusing" her (never done that either). She tells them how unhappy she is that I'm here & how she can't wait for me to move out. She tells them that I "start all the fights" we have (untrue--she is very physically aggressive with me: she storms into the room I'm occupying, begins to herd me into a corner & tries to prevent me from escaping that corner) & that she's "scared of" me. (This I don't know why, because I've never retaliated, although I have threatened to call the police if she ever strikes me again. She laughed like it was the best joke she'd heard in years.)

My situation has been reported to Elder Affairs in my state by 3 different people, & it has been classified as a high risk/high priority case. I am worried because my grandma is sweetness & light in public/around others, but when it's just us two, she's Mr. Hyde.

It's to the point where I've lived under near constant "high alert" mode for 2 months. I am on a sleep aid because I cannot sleep for fear that she's going to start a fight while I'm sleeping, & I'm constantly worrying when the next outburst from her will be, & if that one will be when she decides it's okay to hit me hard enough to give me a black eye or bloody nose. (If she does hit me, I'll be calling 911.) I am on anti-anxiety medication because I've begun to startle & physically shake when she so much as moves from one room to another. Because of our fights, my hand/wrist/arm tendonitis flares up so badly that it takes me a week to get to a point bearing a small semblance of normal. This is because my arms & hands shake so badly & so hard--a physical reaction to the elevated level of fear that I experience during them. I have to watch my back while she's in "crazy" mode because she charges my back when I turn it to her.

My family knows & understands that, because of the excessive reaction I have to my grandma, I now need to take care of myself. My father is under the delusion that our "problems" as he calls them will work themselves out if "we just talk to each other." The problem is my grandma's (new) idea of "talking" is her yelling at me about an issue I didn't know was an issue until she started yelling about it. His role has been to listen to my venting & nod in sympathy & says, "Give me more time & patience" when I beg him to "do something now."

I have no support.

Thanks for listening.

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Msdiva: Hell would have to freeze over before I go back there. She lost me the moment she became crazy. So did everyone on Dad's side of the family. I've disowned them because of their behavior, & they know it.

New2Dementia: My god, I completely feel for you. I'm so sorry. The only thing I can say to you is to dump the whole mess in your brother's & her sister's hands & leave. I worked myself to the bone over my grandma, only I didn't realize the extent to which I did until after I'd left. I know it's hard, & the decision is ultimately left up to you. As for me, I'm worth more than being on the receiving end of curses & aggression & assault & living in constant fear everyday. Sending you gigantic hugs.

As for me, I'm still looking for a job--full-time this time. (I'm tired of playing the part-time game.) My work transfer has taken much longer than I thought--3 weeks & counting, & right now I'm pissed off at the way they're mishandling my transfer. The way it looks now, I won't be getting back to work until after the 4th, which means 1 1/2 months of an enforced vacation for me, with NO pay. Consider also that I have no savings to speak of... *insert a LOT of curses here*
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Leave her alone and see how far she get without you and if it doesn't work tell her she needs to go the doctor,before you start back helping, its not being cruel its for safety
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Screaming,
PS I have no support either (my brother) but he is just now getting out of the denial stage and admitted he'd noticed a decline in her memory about 3 years ago but attributed it to old age. He lives in the same city as my mother.
Now that's he is coming around, albeit slowly, he does all the driving for her. I can because we will definitely end up in a car accident if I drive her anywhere she will criticize me and my nerves just can't take it.
Her sister and her niece still think I am exaggerating and that she'll "snap out of it".
I'm screaming right now.
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Screaming,
I began to notice my mother's decline and suspected Dementia about 6 month's before she was hospitalized for an acute UTI and TIA. Thank God for that because they diagnosed her with Dementia. I had given up my life on the coast gave up everything to move in with her, prior to her hospitalization because I suspected something was wrong on each visit home. I lived several states away.
Her Dr gave her the "memory" test that she passed (8 out of 10) for month's earlier. If it were not for the hospital stay and the Neurologist I don't know what state of mind I'd be in.
She got on Aricept and it's helped.
I scream every day and it's only going to get worse. Is there anyway she can get to a hospital. It took 3 hours of phone calls from my mother's doctor and a call from family members to get my brother to get my mother to the hospital because she wouldn't go but she finally did. They released her too soon, her behavior got worse and her Dr prescribed a sedative, a cousin came into town to visit and we told her we were going on a drive and drove her to a different hospital. She was kind of out of it but it got her admitted and the Drs at this hospital were excellent.
But like I said I scream every day because I know one day the behavior she exhibited from the acute UTI will be an every day thing due to the Dementia and she has narcissistic personality so every day is like walking on eggshells. I've been yelled at screamed at lied on many of the things that you are going through. She has good days and bad days. But you never know what you are going to get. On top of it all I never had a good relationship with my mother and grew up in a dysfunctional home. And now I'm 48 and living with her after living on my own independently for 30 years.
SCREAMING WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.
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Thanks "Screaming", for you and me...Take Care.
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Screaming, I feel like I've just been on a roller coaster ride after reading all your posts! Oh my gosh, girl ♥ The fact that you had the presence of mind to actually go to a shelter I thought was truly inspired. Personally I don't think it would've occurred to me at all, so kudos on that idea. I'm glad one of your relatives stepped in, hopefully they can be trusted not to spill the beans as to where you've moved to. But then again, grandma can't really drag you back, so who cares what she says or does at this point. Live your life, be happy and find some friends of your very own. Time to get out from under that storm cloud and back in the light. Good luck.
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Glad you got out, take care of yourself that is your first priority that's what this caregiving has taught me.
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Thanks, Ismiami. Focusing on healing myself is what I've just begun to do. As far as regret goes, I have none. I know I absolutely did my best with nothing.

Sfcerwhit: Call the police on her the very next time she assaults you. Keep doing so. If there's one thing I've learned from my ordeal, it's that protecting yourself is more important than caring from (relative/person here). The fact that they're mentally not there anymore isn't an excuse for them to "do whatever they want" to you. You don't have to take ANYTHING they dish out.

Cat & Madeaa: If you read 2 posts or so above yours, you'll see that I posted an update. In sum, I've already left. :)

Msdaizy: I googled Lewy Body Dementia, & all the signs/symptoms that indicate the disease, my grandma doesn't have. She doesn't shake/tremor/etc. I am absolutely positive that she's got some sort of dementia, or even Alzheimer's, although she still refuses to be tested. In any case, what happens to her now is none of my concern. I've washed my hands of her & most of my father's side of the family (with the exception of my dad, even though he's currently skating on thin ice) due to what they've done.

I hope all of you keep yourselves safe...unlike me.
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Screaming...I'm sorry that your Grandmother was so abusive. It most likely is LBD Lewy Body Dementia. The signs are there. My mom was the sweetest person alive and in late July of last year she fell and at the hospital they ran tests on her. The doctors gave us the diagnoses of Progressive Dementia. But after a month of living with me. She changed...it was fast and furious. And her demeanor was so different. She was mean, controlling and full of spite. This was not my mom anymore. She was an imposter. The dementia was killing off so much of her brain tissue...I know that it was dementia that changed her. Mom did get a little aggressive at times...I learned how to handle her through a lady by the name of "Teepa Snow". If you google her, she is a nurse that works with LBD/Demenita and Alzheimers and was very helpful.
I'm happy you got out and saved yourself. This disease is the worst. I pray she gets help soon. In the meantime, enjoy your freedom and be safe. Take care of you. God Bless.
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Move out, go to social services and get welfare and housing. You are keeping yourself there, you will find a way if you really want to get your life on track. Stop with reasons you can't and just do it.
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You need to leave now. Go to any women's shelter and ask for temporary shelter. Sometimes when things are spiraling out of control the only way to get a grip on it is to remove yourself. There are animal foster groups that may have someone who can look after your cat while you look after yourself. Getting out & getting counseling is the only way you will mange to normalize your situation. What city are you in?
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Wow, that's crazy how our elderly parents are all doing the same/similar things....I thought my situation was bad: My mom physically attacked me twice and I haven't been back to her house or called since her last attempt to harm me (9 days and counting). I know I have to go back over there......; and yes, I have been procrastinating (thinking, what will she try next). She knows I have a herniated disc (lower back problems), and while she was nice and calm, we was just talking, and "I told her my back was acting up that day, so I'm a little stiff"...so as I got to the front door to leave, here she comes and she actually tried to hit me in my back (I caught both her fist w/my hands), my bro came to get her, and I left. I couldn't believe the lie she told our fam in diff states ie.."I was trying to hug her"..LOL. To this day, I know she really tried to hurt me, but I also know it's the demensia etc.... She's pretty stubborn and never appoligize for nothing these days. My bro catches more of her daily verbal abuse (now), since he lives w/her (he locks his bedroom door, she's too unpredicatable these days). He told me too maybe wait till I do her grocery shopping (15th of each month), before coming back to her house (he's very supportive); but I've made up my mind, if she tries to hit me again, I will call the police (no more caregiver abuse). We both have guardianship of her, but she's been taking most of her anger out on me (caregiver for 6yrs, bro for 1 1/2 yrs). She's been accusing me, and telling peps how bad I treat her etc...(lie) for over 3yrs. So, I definently understand what you all said, and the thing about her will, she told judge I wrote it giving me/sis more than others..(lie). When she was in her right mind, she wrote her own will and sat w/a lawyer to do it, I don't know why all this lying but I have to blame all on demensia etc...My fam know I'm one of her most generous children, and if she did leave me more I willl share w/all her chidren..I'm not this greedy monster she's being talking about, but I have to cont' blaming the demensia... She's still my 86yr old mom, and I'll con't to have much love for her, but I won't and knowbody else should let anybody ie..mom, dad, granny etc... physically abuse you...
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Great to hear a happy ending. Work on yourself now, no time for guilt, regret or ill feelings. I wish you a good job that allows you to grow and be on your own two feet.
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So... I moved on the first. A relative changed their mind & took me in at the 11th hour. So I've changed zipcodes & states. The grandmother & the uncle both have no idea where I am, & I plan to keep it this way for the next several years. They've lost any & all right to know where I am & how I'm doing after all they've done. (Insert a lot of cussing here toward the two, heh.)

I've been here for 5 days now & can't believe how...light...I feel after these years of hell. I'm no longer scared to death. I don't startle, jump, tremble &/or cry at the slightest noise anymore. I've been able to go wherever I want without any fear whatsoever, & that includes making something in the kitchen. (I've already made 2 batches of cookies & a loaf of banana nut bread. More cooking/baking is in my immediate future.) I've been outside & done yardwork for the first time in years & thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it (well, except for the bees, lol).

Even better: I've stopped all the medications I was taking for my depression, anxiety, & insomnia. I can't remember the last time I was so completely relaxed.

My cat is still with her foster, & will be until I get my own place, or unless the relative decides to let my cat move in with me. Whichever comes first. I miss her to death, but I'm so unbelievably happy that she's safe & sound, & that the foster is taking fantastic care of her & spoils her to death (even more than I do!).

The only things left is to find a better job in my new area, health insurance, & work through the residual anger I have toward the grandma & uncle, as well as my dad. If I can do all this--& now that I'm out of there & my depression, anxiety, & insomnia have completely lifted, I KNOW I can--I'll be absolutely golden.

Thank you guys so, so very much for all your support in my darkest hours. Thanks for listening to me when no one else would.

Hugs to all of you, & I wish you all the very best luck.

(No longer) Screaming
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Screaming, good for you. Better now than look back and regret it the rest of your life. Be strong, and don't second guess your self.
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3 more days & I'm gone. Cannot wait. Thanks to the people who've sent me hugs. They are much appreciated. :)
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I've learned from having a mentality I'll son that you must, yes must, keep calling 911, for help ! Everything is documented, sooner or later they will be forced to act, but it has to be documented..
When I was at my wits end with my son, that's what the police told me to do..Keep Calling them when needed !
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Run this is your father's problem. It does sound like your grandmother has dementia, and it will only get worse. This an abusive relationship. Get out now.
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Thank you for your words of support, Bookluvr. You have no idea how much they're appreciated. Even now there are times (fleeting & last only seconds) when I wonder if I'd done all that I could've. I know I absolutely did, but I still question it.

Anyway, I too wish you all the best as you care for your parents.
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Screaming, you did your best. You tried to help your grandma. Too bad your father and uncle refused to give you the support needed to continue to caregive their own mother. They figured you're female and it's your duty to take care of their mother. If they did not believe this, they would have been giving you the support needed. Actions speak louder than word.

My father is the same as your grandma. Since I'm female, I know nothing. I should keep my mouth shut on things that I know nothing about (which to him means Everything that is against his point-of-view...which happens to be most of everything.)

Your uncle and father just burned their bridges. Now they have to handle their mother's care between them. You take care. I hope all goes well with you on your new journey.
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Debby1: I've learned this the hard way. I'm down to 6 days here, so I'm not going to waste my time hiding cameras in the hope of capturing some of what my grandma does to me. She's my dad's & uncle's problem now.
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Hidden video cameras are great for capturing "the truth" of the way old people can be and act.
Old people "act out" all the time by getting DHS involved and claiming abuse. They are wanting control or revenge usually.
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Calicaregiver, I just reported your comment. Toodles!
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SCREAMING...if that's what you do, idk. You're defensiveness speaks for itself. You're a grown a&! woman, and you are not responsible for anyone but, yourself. You said yourself that your grandma does nothing but put you down, and reject you. Continuing in that environment is a choice. Nobody asked you to explain anything to me. But, I have to agree with other posters. I hear nothing but excuses, and I will respectfully add excessive complaining, and a little self pity. Don't hate on me because I have an opinion that you may not want to hear about. You came to this forum, and put your situation out there. Good luck, and by all means don't feel that you need to "get back to me" regarding this.
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When mom had dementia the violent stage, she had such hatred in her face. It was no longer mom's face but an evil stranger who Wanted to Hurt us. I learned the hard way to learn to Read her and therefore protect myself. Mom one time grabbed me in my front chest, squeezed as hard as she could and Twisted her hand. While I was hurting, I looked into her eyes. She was looking straight at me with such anger, hatred and she Enjoyed Hurting me. I knew she wanted to hear me cry out in pain. I refused. I struggled quietly to get away from her while she kept looking at me watching me. My abused childhood helped me to have a very strong tolerance for pain. I've learned while young not to cry out in pain. Pain excites mom to hurt us more. After that incident, I never allowed her to get close to me to hurt me. I would walk into the room, and automatically scan for mom. I never positioned myself where she can corner me. I always had a way out if I had to flee. I have always been scared of my parents. Even with father now bedridden, he claims he can kill me. And I believe him. As an abused person, one automatically scans how a person can hurt you. I know for a fact that he can use the metal triangle trapeze to slam my head. He has told me that he can kick me in my throat as I lean over to pull down his pants for pamper changing. He may be bedridden but I'm still scared of him.

Unlike you I have chosen to stay to caregive him. All these years, as he verbally and physically abused me, I told my siblings that when mom dies, I'm leaving. It's their turn to caregive father. But I chose to stay due to extenuating cirmcumstances. When he gets angry, I get sooooo scared of him. It's like you said Screaming, the fear never goes away if you have experienced violence day after day after day.

FYI, I started at the bottom at my work. I was office worker (answering phones.) And then I learned to balance my checkbook. And from there, I started doing the office's books. And then Iearned to make flight reservations. People in our field can't believe that I do the books and make reservations. All I'm saying is that I dragged my feet for every new thing I learned at work. But, I learned and learned. I hope you find a job.
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Calicaregiver: Let me get this straight: Because YOU can't fathom being scared means *I* shouldn't be scared? I'm sorry, but you don't live my life; you're not in my position, & I don't have to explain anything to you that you haven't already read here. If you had looked on the 2nd page of the comments section here, you would've seen that I posted an update. Go read that & then get back to me.

To the other 2 who posted under Cali: If I could magically "stop" being afraid, don't you think I would've done so? It's laughably easier to say that than it is to be done.

As for me, I'm backing away right now.
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i am sorry but all i hear are excuses why you cant get out of there. You are stuck living with her and she knows it. that is why she is so abusive. First of all you need to get a nannycam . or small camera that can record. put it in a place she will not see and you have proof of what shes doing to you. you may not be allowed to talk to her doctors and they can not tell you about her care but.. You can write a letter to her doctor stating that you are her care giver and these are the things that are going on. any good doctor will read that and act upon it. i had to do that with my mil. she will always tell her doc shes fine she sleeps good. NOT. As for the fights as soon as she starts dial 911 and dont let her know. let her rant and rave and avuse you so they can hear what she is doing . when they get there open the door and show them where she hit you and they will have a recording of what she did. then tell the police she needs to be baker acted. they will take her to the hospital mental ward for anywhere from 24 to whenever the doc feels she is well enough to get out. and she will be given meds and evaluated at that time and given a social worker. There are plenty of ways to protect yourself from her. when you go to bed. put a chair under the door handle and she can not get in. when she starts yelling tell her grandma i love you very much but i can not and will not talk to you when you are like this. then go to your room and put the chair under the door handle . STOP being afraid of her. You have every right to feel safe. As for work honey you need to get a new job. even in the hosptials there are things there that do not require any kind of degree. janitorial, cafeteria, go to the hr offices there and they will help you find something. Good luck and stop being afraid take actions. Hope things get better. and remember take care of YOU. because if there is no you then there is no one to take care of anyone.
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Sounds like you maybe got into this situation when bad financial times hit you. But it also sounds like you are not the right person for this job. Your Grandma is not your responsibility if she has living children. You might want to resolve the issues in your life and move on. You do not deserve the abuse. Grandma probably feels she doesn 't need you there and resents your being there. Talk to social services. One of the first things you need is an income. Go wherever you find a job. Enjoy your life. Bring Grandma flowers and candy and a bright happy smiling face. What could be better than that?
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I have a couple of questions screaming...how long have you lived with your grandma? What are the circumstances that brought you to live in her home, and how many hours a week do you work? Lastly, when is the last time you lived one your own? I'm just curious. I not trying to be unsupportive or unsympathetic. I'm trying to understand why there seems to be a lot of excuses for why you are still there in her home. Have you ever lived on your own...I.e. had your own apartment or home? Also, I'm sorry...maybe it's because I'm 5' 10", and a solid 170 pounds..but, I just can't see a little old lady physically intimidating me unless she had a loaded gun to my back. How hard can this woman "hit"? Just get your stuff together, and move out already. No more excuses. Go, move on with your own life, and forget the nagging, bitching, Grandma that doesn't want you in her house in the first place. It will all work out,and everything wil be ok. We all have to do it sooner or later. Don't be scared...it'll be ok...really. Good luck.
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I've had to deal with a lot of what you have (abusive mother). I also have a no-good brother that keeps mooching off Mom. He assaulted me on April 10, 2013. I filed a Temporary Restraining Order and he was removed from the house. Then to get back at me, he called Adult Protective Services twice to report emotional and financial abuse. Tomorrow, we go to Court (though I have a lawyer). I'm really anxious and upset. But he will never be allowed to see our Mom unless there is a third-party present and a few other things. Otherwise, my attorney said we go to trial, and he will be ordered to pay me back the $15K I racked up at the ER when he pushed me. I just can't stand the stress. But he isn't interested in Mom's well being, he's interested in her $$ (which I have the POA on).
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