My situation has been reported to Elder Affairs by 3 different people and has been classified as a high risk/high priority case.

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I take care of my 78 year old grandmother. I'm here after researching the reverse of elder abuse (patients who abuse caregivers). I'm desperate for help. Everyone I've spoken to about my grandma's behavior believes she has dementia. However, she refuses to be tested & blames all the ensuing fights--recently become physical--on me. Nothing is her fault. If I confront her about an aggressive behavior she does--& believe me, she gets very physically threatening--she denies it & says I did it to her.

She is very manipulative & controlling, albeit in a very passive-aggressive way. Before this "switch" in personalities, which started 2 months ago, she would say "Ah-men! (amen)" or "I'm all upset!" when we need to discuss something. Whenever she said this, she'd walk away, sulk, & not eat a meal because her "stomach's all upset." She's never taken responsibility for her actions & instead has always blamed it on others.

She's told me that I'm fat (which I am), that I have "turkey legs" & she has "chicken thighs", not to "eat all those cookies!" when I only take two, & told my father to sit next to her in a restaurant booth because "there's no room" where I was sitting. (I was taking off my winter coat at the time, & there was more than enough room for him.)

She refuses to listen to me because I do not have the requisite equipment (read: I'm not a male, & I'm not my father), so any time I need to discuss something with her, it becomes a fight which ends in me telling her to "Call Dad."

She's begun to "forbid" me from calling my father, & has tried to prevent me from doing so during a particularly bad fight in the last few days. She's become obsessed with the amount of money I have & the amount of toilet paper I use, & tries to regulate how much I use. She's become paranoid that I'm snooping (have never done so), & tells all her friends that I'm "abusing" her (never done that either). She tells them how unhappy she is that I'm here & how she can't wait for me to move out. She tells them that I "start all the fights" we have (untrue--she is very physically aggressive with me: she storms into the room I'm occupying, begins to herd me into a corner & tries to prevent me from escaping that corner) & that she's "scared of" me. (This I don't know why, because I've never retaliated, although I have threatened to call the police if she ever strikes me again. She laughed like it was the best joke she'd heard in years.)

My situation has been reported to Elder Affairs in my state by 3 different people, & it has been classified as a high risk/high priority case. I am worried because my grandma is sweetness & light in public/around others, but when it's just us two, she's Mr. Hyde.

It's to the point where I've lived under near constant "high alert" mode for 2 months. I am on a sleep aid because I cannot sleep for fear that she's going to start a fight while I'm sleeping, & I'm constantly worrying when the next outburst from her will be, & if that one will be when she decides it's okay to hit me hard enough to give me a black eye or bloody nose. (If she does hit me, I'll be calling 911.) I am on anti-anxiety medication because I've begun to startle & physically shake when she so much as moves from one room to another. Because of our fights, my hand/wrist/arm tendonitis flares up so badly that it takes me a week to get to a point bearing a small semblance of normal. This is because my arms & hands shake so badly & so hard--a physical reaction to the elevated level of fear that I experience during them. I have to watch my back while she's in "crazy" mode because she charges my back when I turn it to her.

My family knows & understands that, because of the excessive reaction I have to my grandma, I now need to take care of myself. My father is under the delusion that our "problems" as he calls them will work themselves out if "we just talk to each other." The problem is my grandma's (new) idea of "talking" is her yelling at me about an issue I didn't know was an issue until she started yelling about it. His role has been to listen to my venting & nod in sympathy & says, "Give me more time & patience" when I beg him to "do something now."

I have no support.

Thanks for listening.


I gather that your grandmother is living with you and your Dad? It appears that she has anger issues and possible dementia requiring medication. This can help tremendously if she is going to continue living in your home. Otherwise, might be time to find another place for grandmother as it sounds like it is only going to get worse.

Hugs to you and take care.
This sounds like what my mother did to me and why I left her. Within a year she had my 17 year old son go down and live with her. He seemed to get along with her(I guess she did not know about drugs and things he was doing) but as time went by, she totally convinced him that I was a terrible daughter and mother to him(she even tried to get child support from me-and lost as he was not in school and too old). Whenever I called from 150 miles away, my son would get on the phone and yell at me telling me that I would upset "Grandma". He drove her to all doctor appts and to her precious Eastern Star meetings and spent 2 weeks a year with her up here at her summer house. I was not allowed to go there or my son would call the police and threaten to have me arrested. They then refused all my phone calls and let me talk into their tape machine. It was horrifying for me as I am a only child and I thought she was my best friend(she had me very confused about this my entire life). The last time I saw her alive was when she allowed me to sit on her porch and bring my birthday cake down-I was 60- and she gave me exactly 10 minutes of her time with me before she had to go in as she was getting ill. My son sat in the house and refused to come outside or and she did not allow me inside the house to see him. When she passed, my son did not tell me for 3 days. He had told my daughter and ex husband but not me. I had no way to get to her funeral. My son told me she had passed away in the hospital when he stepped out of the room for 10 minutes at 10PM at night. Again, I was horrified. Then the funeral director wanted me to sign papers for the funeral as I was the only next of kin, I refused till I could speak to my lawyer. My lawyer told me not to sign the papers or I would be liable for the funeral bills. They then had a quick burial and a memorial service at her new church. She changed religions the last 5 years of her life which is very strange to me. What was even more strange was that she left me nothing in the will and gave everything to my son. It was substanial-like over 2 million dollars. To this day, my son refuses to speak to me. He did have an autopsy done as she was to leave the hospital the next day. I do not have the death report or the autopsy results. Lawyers told me to forget about getting any property of hers as she had her will done at a lawyers office 2 years before she died and cut me out entirely. Please get out of this situation before it causes you more mental and physical pain. Why doesn't your dad want to take care of her? There must be a good reason. What is in her will, does everything go to your dad and nothing to you? Sounds strange.
I live with my grandmother. My dad lives an hour & a state away. It feels like he lives here though because my grandma only listens to him. He can say something once & she'll remember it forever, but I can say something to her 15 times & she'll still forget. She's escalated in her sexist tendencies (existed before, but never this bad). I can't even talk to her anymore because she refuses to listen.

My father's under the delusion that our problems "will work themselves out" even though I've warned him many times that they will not.

She refuses to tell anyone she has problems. She won't let me go with her to the doctor, & refuses to let them talk to me, so all they can do is listen. She lies & says she's "fine" when anyone asks.

I have begged my father to do something about her escalating behavior but he keeps asking me for "more time & patience."

Hopefully, now that Elder Affairs has gotten themselves involved, my grandma will be forced to accept help that she's refused & rejected for years.
Joymoon, I'm so sorry for the anguish you've been put through.

I do not know why my father doesn't want to step in. I guess he doesn't want to believe that his mother's going downhill fast? Not sure. It doesn't help that my uncle (his brother) has once again pulled a disappearing act. No one knows where he is & he refuses to get in contact with us. That may be another reason for his reticence.

I wish I could leave--I've tried everything. No one in the family is able to take me in due to various reasons; the Emergency Section 8 housing list is closed; & I don't make enough money from my job to support myself even in a rent-controlled apartment. As a last, desperate, measure, I contacted a state agency in the hopes that they'll be able to help me find a place to live while simultaneously helping me find a job that'll support myself because I'm coming up short.
(I wish we could edit our posts instead of making new ones.)

As to my grandma's will, I have no idea what's going on in it. From the very beginning, I've told her I don't want to know what's in it. I just know what she wants us to do with the things she has (divide it up equally between her 4 grandkids--all girls--after my dad & uncle go through & take what they want first). Aside from the knowledge of where she's hidden the will, that's all I know.
Try a room. A room in a house. That is way cheaper. Anything to get away from her. It looks like you will not get a penny, like I did. I served my mother well for 51 years but of course, never gave her a cup of tea. My son was like a husband to her and very strange, he is the carbon copy of what my father looked like. They basically lived like husband and wife for 10 years. My son is like a child as he has never worked and just goes fishing now and rides a trick bike around nyc at the age of almost 30. I do not get it. I do not understand why he was in the hospital at 10pm and that she died that night when she was cleared to come home. I believe there was foul play and that there is much more to this story that I do not know. All my stuff was still in her basement as I moved up here very quickly. She did not allow me to come and get the rest of it but sent up stuff I did not need in a van. What is in it for you? nothing. You can get a room for about 75 dollars a week, work in McDonalds, anything, just to get out of there. Start a life of your own before you do not have one. I started my life at 51, way too old and lost everything for leaving my mother at that age. She did not need caretaking. She drove, went to the hairdresser weekly, went out 6 out of 7 nights and had dozens of friends who comiserated with her about her lousy daughter, ME.
I also think your dad knows how his mother really is and you are the patsy.
You need to get out of this situation ASAP! Give your Dad a move out date and get busy making it happen. Let him know you are coming home (if he lives in your family home) and he needs to make arrangements for his Mother's care. Do you have a relative or friend you can go to on quick notice?

This is not a job for a young person. Your family is expecting you to give up your life and future. Sounds like your Grandmother needs professional care.

Hopefully you have installed another lock on your bedroom door so you can sleep at night.

Best of luck and God bless!

Locks on our bedroom doors are forbidden in our apartment building (policy; designed for people 55+). I know--I BEGGED for one to be installed.

I have nowhere to go. I have very few friends--2, in fact. Both cannot take me in. All family members are poor/have a territorial dog/health issues/other valid reason, so they can't take me in either. I've considered going to an emergency shelter, but that'd mean I'd have to leave my cat here, & that's something I'm not willing to do. I do not want my grandma to begin abusing my cat because I'm not here to be her punching bag.

I earn roughly $30/week at my job. They cut our hours because Corporate said we didn't meet any of the goals they'd set for my store. It's the first job I've had in 4 years (laid off); hopefully you can understand my reluctance to quit before finding another job. I live in an area rife with hospitals, & that's where all the jobs are. I have no medical training or I'd be all over those jobs. Spending a few years in school when I most need to leave the house is counterintuitive & counterproductive.

The state agency I spoke with said I might be eligible for some sort of grant, but I won't know more until I get assigned a caseworker & speak with them in more detail. They are fully aware of how urgent my situation is, & they are working very hard to get me out (assuming they can help me do so) ASAP.
I know you love your cat, but you are more important. Can your dad take the cat? Your dad has to do something asap, he is using you. You have to understand this. He was severely affected by HER too and therefore has washed his hands of the problem and gave it to you. I did tell my son and daughter about my mother but they refused to believe me and coped with it knowing that she soon would be dead and would get all the money. In fact, I believe that my son threatened my mother in her old age to change everything to him and nothing to me or he would leave and put her in a assisted living home. This she would never do. So, she left everything to him. I believe that after 10 years with this woman, he could not take it anymore and did something to her that night to kill her. They do not do great autopsys for 94 year olds who have congestive heart failure. You are not like my son and besides, everything is going to your dad and other relatives, nothing to you. There is nothing in this for you, barely a safe room in the house without a lock. Put in a bolt lock, that is doable. If the management complains, leave, sleep in your car, anywhere but there. Your father must do something asap, give the problem back to him as he is getting all the money!!!!!!!

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