Dutiful 58 year old "child" that just wishes it would end soon.

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Today truthfully, I am ready for my mom to die....most days I do not like her..everyday I take a 0.5 Xanax before I even step into the nursing home because I do not know what I am going to face. I go Monday -Friday during my lunch hour. People say don't do that but I am the only person in her life that isn't paid to take care of her. Will it be the sick woman ? Will it be the mean, mad and hateful woman that thrives on watching my face melt ? Will it be the one who she reminds that she does not want to be there and worked to hard all her life for it to end this way. She left me with every Tom, Dick and Harry as a child I was left with people I should have never been left with.
I am disgusted with myself for always wanting to be the pleaser. I admire the people that just let things roll off there backs. I was so angry with her last week when I left so you know what I did ? I went shopping and spent money I don't have to bring her some new stuff for her room that" may" make her happy. Plus, I have to buy her pads for incontinence because the pull ups the nursing home provides are not enough she says. What is wrong with me ? I was therapy for awhile a few years ago which helped. I have been my mom's caregiver since 1999 (she did not live with me) I am an only child my half brother died in 1997 and he took everything she owned before that happened. She has no friends..doesn't like anyone in the nursing home nor did she when she lived in the apartment. I am it... Decisions she has mad in her life put her where she is, but still I feel guilty.. I needed to vent this morning so I did. If you look at my account information you will see that I have been doing this awhile. Just needed to release some stream. I will tell you I am the wife to the love of my life the mother of two great kids married to people we love and I am blessed to be the Nana to four...so my life is good in so many ways. I broke the pattern of dysfunction on my end. I am the only one who suffers at the hands of my mother and will continue to tend to her until she draws her last breath because that is what I feel God asks of me....Thanks for listening and any life altering words of wisdom are appreciated. Someone said let her words just flow over your head but her word are like a hurricane to me and even "if" I walk out swearing to not let it bother me it is always a little voice in my head that will not go away...it is easy for people that do not do it, but you guys do....I didn't want her to die and me be mad at her but in the end she will die being mad at me which I told her last week without any response back. She will not talk to the hospice Chaplin nor the social worker. I am the only she sees other than the ones who are paid to tend to her.


Congratulations on breaking the dysfunction pattern with your own family. That is huge!

Would you consider going back to your therapist during this stressful time in your life? I'm concerned that this unresolved relationship with your mother may continue to haunt you even after she dies. Getting some counseling now might help. You deserve all the help you can get!
Mama's voice is very deeply ingrained in us. It is true that you will be more conflicted over her when she passes on that with a different parent who loved you and affirmed you. Try to remember that the love and affirmation are much closer to what you deserve in the relationship. That little voice that says "even my own MOTHER thinks I am a bad person" needs to be sileneced with the realization, as harsh as it is, that your own mother was not such a good mother if she treated you like a bad person. She may have had her good points, and done many things about mothering well, but if raised you to feel inadequate and underconfident and just "bad" inside in order to mold you into what she thought you should be, she did that at least a little bit badly. And that if she can take you for granted - that you will always come every lunch hour no matter what abuse you get - she will feel free to continue to abuse you instead of seek (or even accept) some kind of support and coming to grips with her situation herself.

Maybe she CAN'T begin to do that, and maybe your role IS to be the person she "dumps on" or "vents" with, but you can't sustain that if it is like posion dripping into your soul. If you can't go in believing that it is not your fault she can't be happy and peaceful and apprieciative of the fact she is getting cared for when she needs it, instead of just angry and resentful that she needs it, you may simply not be able to face this daily and should do something else instead. Maybe she is one of those people who can't find any forgiveness for herself for the choices that put her where she is and she needs to blame, blame, blame others - and you are the only "other" handy - to take the blame away from her. If she dies mad at you it is HER problem, not yours. And if you are mad at her for screwing up her life and your relationship it would be only normal since you actually care about her. You will find it possible to forgive her more once she has stopped hurting you, and it will take some time, so be sure to forgive yourself along the way. And you never know, maybe even the facility social worker or chaplain would be able to help YOU deal better with it all if you ask. They've seen it before. My mom's facility director helped me quite a bit.

I pray for peace and recovery for you, no matter what happens next and no matter how long it takes.
Some day she won't be there. You'll look at your watch and see that it is lunchtime and you'll be free to do what you want for that hour. Today, God has blessed with one more day, one more chance, to simply look at her, love her, and hold her - unconditionally. You are there one hour - that is where she spends the other 23 hours of her day. Do you suppose anyone wants to live in a nursing home? Does anybody ever say, as I grow older, I want to be surrounded by people I don't know, people who are caring for me only because they are paid to do that. Say yourself before you enter your mom's little space left on earth - that chances are she probably will be crabby and it will probably make you start to feel terrible. Say it - before you go in - then there will be no surprises. You are free to come and go; she is not. Don't look at her as your mom - a woman who let you down when you were a child - look at her, embrace, hold her - as if she were a child of God. A perfectly perfect child of God. As she is. The negative thoughts that sometimes creep in are not from God. You are a good daughter. You are doing the right things. Tell yourself that and believe it. You love your mother. That's obvious. What's one hour out of 23? No matter what she says, no matter what she does, look at her like God's child. She's scared, she's alone, she might have a whole head and heart full of regrets. Things don't make people happy as much as our undivided attention, our time, and our unconditional love. Surely a part of God's plan is for you to get it right in YOUR head and heart. So that you can go on knowing that despite all the turmoil and anguish from years ago - you still love your mom (and hey - she obviously did something right - you attracted the love of your life and have a beautiful family). I once read somewhere that if we greet and treat every person on our life's path AS IF we knew they would be gone from this earth at midnight, perhaps we would look at them and treat them differently.
Monday, when I started your post, it sounded all holy and blamey, but it wasn't! That will (probably not) teach me not to rely on first impressions! You made many of my points for me!

2tsnana, you've got it hard. My first idea is to see if more pain medication or an antidepressant or antipsychotic might make a big difference in her mood. I've seen it happen.

My other idea is to reinterpret her words in your head. When she says you're no good, what she really feels is sad, scared, and hopeless. If you can bring yourself to console her, instead of defending yourself, you might see a different reaction. It is a hard thing for a victim of verbal abuse to do.

If you can say, "Yes, Mom, your situation is tragic. Here you are, trapped in this horrible place, with no one visiting but your stupid little poopy-butt daughter. It's so unfair. The people here don't understand who you are, and they treat you like just anyone."

You can go a long way with "Yes, that's true. I know. That stinks. That's too bad."

You have put her in the best place you could, but to her it's awful. If you can be on her side and agree that it's awful, she might forget about your poopy butt, and start to be glad to see you.

That may be the ONLY chance you have to please her. Buying things will never help. God bless you.
First, accept the fact that you will never please her, will never make her happy - she is the person she has always been and will always be, whether you buy her things or move her into a palace and place her on a throne...even THEN she will not be happy with the throne (too hard) or the color of the palace! You have recognized her faults and have made sure you didn't follow the same pattern with your children - good for you!!! Sure, I can say "just ignore what she says and move on", but that is easier said than done. You can, however, tell your mother that you will visit her only if her words are pleasant, and as soon as she starts with the nastiness, you look at your watch and you tell her "oh look at that - it's time to go back to work already - see you tomorrow!" and LEAVE. God did NOT intend for you to be her doormat when He commanded us to honor our parents - that door should swing both ways, and your Mom is not holding up her end of the deal. You are a saint for putting up with daily abuse - and that is exactly what it is, regardless of what you call it. Think of yourself as the battered wife who keeps going back for more...only your abuse is emotional and cuts to the core because it's coming from your mother. At some point, only you can decide when enough is enough...just don't wait until you're admitted for a nervous breakdown to reach that point. If you have to, start visiting every other day and call her on the days you don't go - see if things improve with her that way. That's all I can think of...hope it helps a little. Good luck!!
Sometimes I could make my mom's day by buying her something, but she was very very picky - flowers would not do, and she had enough problems seeing that art work or pictures didn't work either. Food or clothes was about it, and you had to get just the right thing that she liked or it was no good. Pizza always worked. We really treasure those little times that we could put a smile on her face. The key was not to expect too much and not to expect her to change when she really couldn't any more.

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