My Mom assumed making me her DPOA would automatically obligate me as her future caregiver!

Follow
Share

I only agreed to being DPOA for both health and finances after thoroughly reading the lawyers draft copies first. Nothing is mentioned about assuming responsibilities as her personal caregiver. This is an intelligent 82 yr woman, who has no dementia thinking that this legal document was also a contract for me to take her into my home when she can no longer live independently. She also read the document. How she came to the conclusion it was also a caregiver contact is so frustrating. I agree that adult children who are caregivers to their parents should have the DPOA, but it is not a requirement as a DPOA. Thank goodness my sister is the contingent to me. She will do good by our mother if I decide the assumtions and responsibilities are not for me.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
20

Comments

Show:
dogabone your innuendos about me not wanting to be a caregiver is as far out as your obsession with your DPOA situation that has been posted numerous times on this website. If I wanted her assets I would become her paid caregiver in my home and also charge her rent, which can be accomplished even as her DPOA. I would not and will not do that. Her assets are for her care and will be spent that way. I am an heir on her will, but not interested in it at the cost of her care. Yes I am also joint on her checking account, her choice, she trusts me and it is legal. Me careless about her care? How? By using her assets to keep her in her own home as long as possible? You are venting all over this site about your DPOA dilemma. Relinquish your responsibilities as DPOA. You can't get your relative to agree on buying things to help in your caregiving. Find an alternative means for her care.
(0)
Report

I don't normally contradict, but the idea that someone who agrees to take on POA for finance but doesn't agree to provide hands-on care can only be in it for personal gain is grotesquely unfair.

Acting as a person's financial POA means you protect a vulnerable person from financial abuse. Scenario 1: garage door salesman cons confused elderly lady into parting with thousands of dollars for something she doesn't need; vs. Scenario 2: same salesman has to go through elderly lady's POA and gets told where to go. Or, Scenario 1: vulnerable elderly man gets confused about his electricity bills, repeatedly sends payment to the wrong address and gets his supply cut off; vs Scenario 2: POA ensures all utility bills are paid on time, and that the vulnerable elderly man is getting as good a deal from the utilities companies as possible.

It is a valuable and important role to take on, as part of caring for your elderly or otherwise incapacitated relative. You make sure their bills get paid (with their money); you make sure no one can trick, deceive, bamboozle or sob-story them into giving away their money; you make sure their care needs are planned for financially; if they have sizeable investments, you make sure they're properly managed and duly accounted for. You should also be making sure that their tax affairs are taken care of; that they're receiving any financial support from the government or from charitable or welfare sources that they're entitled to; the list goes on.

It can be time-consuming; it is certainly a responsible job; and the person with POA must expect to have to answer for every single penny of the protected person's money. It is just as wrong for the POA to hoard the cared-for person's money, to the detriment of that person's standard of living, as it would be for the POA to waste money on foolish or careless spending. And if a POA diverts the person's money to anything that is not directly for the person's benefit, such as the POA's buying himself a nice new jacuzzi? That's really simple - it's embezzlement, theft, fraud - whichever category it falls into, it's a criminal offence.

What you do have to do is ensure to the best of your ability that her resources are used to pay for her care, welfare, standard of living, comfort and medical attention - that her money and assets are managed "in her best interest." It's not a professional duty of care, though; but you are expected to do your level best as a lay person, an amateur; and since you may be required to explain your decisions it's worth making sure you really have thought things through and sought proper advice where necessary, simply for your own peace of mind.

So, if you take on DPOA for your mother you are doing a substantial amount of work on her behalf, and and that is in itself a means of demonstrating your concern for her. In no way does it oblige you so much as to tuck a napkin under her chin or make her a cup of coffee; and if your mother thinks otherwise then I'm sorry, but she just isn't paying attention.
(0)
Report

(I only agreed to being DPOA for both health and finances after thoroughly reading the lawyers draft copies first. Nothing is mentioned about assuming responsibilities as her personal caregiver)
In reply to this above,
The POA is not a contract to be a caregiver.There is many issues that will arrise that you will find soon enough from accepting the DPOA.The main question you need to ask your self is,do you plan to do the duties of a DPOA Free of charge?
Because,POAs are not allowed to charger for services.POA is a FREE SERVICE.
It sounds like you don't want to be a caregiver for your relative.That's a good idea.
I say that's a good idea because,
Since you became your relative's DPOA.If you decide to become your relative's caregiver later on.You must be your relative's Caregiver for FREE also.POAs are not allowed to charge for services unless it's noted in the POA.
I don't understand why you agreed to be her DPOA but,refuse to be her caregiver?Humm,are you just after her assets and careless about her care humm.
This brings wonders to the table!
(0)
Report

While your mother is still competent to sign another DPOA, tell her straight up that you will not be able to be her primary caregiver. And tell her that if she wants to revoke that DPOA and name someone else, that is fine with you. It is to her advantage to revoke, to name another person as POA and name a new contingent. That way, if something happens to your sister, you all are not in a bad spot! My husband resigned as POA, I'm the backup, but if something happens to me, then we have a problem. If you are up front about this, perhaps she will get it! If she decides not to revoke, then you can resign and file that at the courthouse, making your sis DOPA. You must give a copy of the one on file at the courthouse to your mom and your sis. Then mom will understand you are serious!'
(3)
Report

I am the contingent and the caregiver. What a mess! If you decide to have sister care for mom, do yourself a favor and also relinquish the POA to her if you value your relationship! If she has the responsibility for mom show your trust by allowing her to determine what is best for your mom and never, never second guess sis! It is very difficult for those not providing the care to understand needs. And if mom has assets the person providing care should be paid or work related to the actual caregiving shared equally!
(2)
Report

Would your other sister be willing to take care of Mom? Would she also be able and willing to be DPOA? If so, then I would allow her to do it. You sound like you have a problem with Mom or her with you, so the best way to handle it would be to bow out and let sis take over. Doing it all is very, very, hard and you do not know how long they will live or how their health will be. Talk to sis and Mom and allow someone else to take over.
(0)
Report

Jeannegibbs- Well I've always answered questions on this site, but you may have another type of computer listing than I do.
(0)
Report

Ferris1, this is not posted under the Questions section -- it is posted as a topic for discussion.
(1)
Report

My mother assumes the same thing. Also being the only daughter I should be and only caregiver. I work full time have a husband, two children and two grandchildren and did have some kind of life. I keep telling her if we lived in a place that there was no other help out there that would make a difference but there is so much care to help where she lives. I don't want to spend the money typical of the age bracket she has plenty. I do what I can and try so hard not to let her get to me. Easier said then done.Good luck!
(3)
Report

So what is your question?
(0)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Related
Questions