Dreading the upcoming Mother's Day.

Oh, you poor dear! My heart goes out to you. Here's my suggestion: If you get along with your sister, I would call her (your sister) and discuss last year's event and why you do not want a repeat performance. From your posting, you didn't mention what caused the "screaming match". Do you and your sister get along? If so, I would suggest that perhaps taking Mom out to "lunch" would be better this year. If you don't get along, I would visit Mom and tell her you'd like to take her to lunch/brunch on Mother's Day and make reservations somewhere EARLY (like 11 am, if possible). Then just the two of you go and try to make it as pleasant as possible.

You are a Mom, too, and you deserve a nice day with YOUR children. Take Mom to lunch for a couple of hours and then take her home. Spend the day relaxing with YOUR family and enjoy.

I love my 84-year old Mom, but the thought of spending the whole day with her is daunting to me. She wears 2 hearing aids and I am constantly repeating myself over and over again that eventually my conversation with her ends up with me yelling at her (not angrily, but because she can't hear). It's majorly frustrating for me and mentally exhausting! She just had her 84th birthday this past Wednesday and I spent most of the day with her and took her out to dinner with my sister, brother and my in-laws. Dinner, alone, took 2 hours! After that, we took her home (my brother lives with her, but is MINIMALLY helpful) and I brought a cake for dessert. She moves so slow now and her mind wanders. She will start to say something, then totally forgets what she wanted to say. Then she repeats and repeats the same things over and over. We (my husband, 2 daughters, and myself) didn't get home until 9:30 p.m. that night and I was so mentally exhausted I went right to sleep.

When I go over there, she always wants me to do something, fix something, put something up (i.e. decorations, chotchkey stuff). It's always something. Never mind, my brother LIVES THERE!! He always "hides" up in his room. I take her to all her doctor appts. because he is totally useless in this regard. I asked him one time to take her to get some bloodwork done and he helps her into the building and then waits in the waiting room while she slowly (and I mean SLOWLY) walks in the blood collection room with the phlebotomist. Last time, he took her, she screamed because the phlebotomist hurt her trying to "dig around" for a vein to take blood. I'm sure you could hear her in the waiting room! I mean, really! Couldn't he go in there with her???

Anyway, I digress. Again, my suggestion would be to limit your Mother's Day visit to a short lunch and spend the rest of the day enjoying yourself. You deserve it, too.

help2day's advice is perfect- I just wanted to commiserate. My brother was going to attend a funeral so made plans for he and his wife to visit Mom on the way to the funeral. Mom had a list of jobs for him- even though another brother and 2 sisters live nearby (list included changing a battery in a small wall clock) The best part was that the list actually included working on her car! My brother was quite dressed up as he was a pall bearer. When my mom moved back North after my dad died, she wanted my oldest sister to host big family gatherings for every holiday at sister's home. Mom had lived in Florida nearly 20 years, in the meantime all the families had grown through marriage and grandkids. To host is now expensive - its like hosting a small church gathering. Mom doesn't care, she wants to recreate the "old days" - hmmmm, part of the reason she moved to Florida was to get away from the calendar of grandchildren events and having to host such large get togethers- my mom isn't happy until everyone else has jumped, as high as she would like.

Send her a nice card and have flowers delivered. Tell her you're going out of town for your celebration of motherhood.
Where does the parent-child thing get SO screwed up?! As soon as kids become parents, you hand off the baton. Christmas and other holidays, the same. Our adult children need to formulate their own traditions and be honored by THEIR children. Self-centered people need to get over themselves.
I wish you, Debralee, and all of us who are often over-shadowed by selfish individuals, a very Happy Mother's Day. xo

Thank you, OncehatedDIL, for your comment. I hear you....my list of jobs is never ending, too! Little piddly things that she never asks my brother to do. And he lives WITH her in her house. He whines like an 8-year old (he's 63) so she's stopped asking him to do anything. She'll just wait for me to come over or try to do it herself.

One year, my husband and I decided to go away for the holiday (Memorial Day) weekend alone (for a change). I had made sure I did all the little tasks she wanted done before I left. Of course, after I left, she wanted my brother to bring out the garden hose caddy from the backyard to the front yard so she could water her flowers. He was going to go out for the evening and, like a big baby, he told her he'd "do it later" and left. Well, you guessed it. My stubborn mother decided she didn't want to wait, so she dragged the heavy garden hose caddy out from the back patio to the front and she tripped and fell and smacked her head on the cement. Of course, she was bleeding profusely from the head wound. None of the neighbors were outside at the time, so how she managed to get up and drag herself across the street to her other elderly neighbor's house, I don't know. The neighbor called my niece (only lives 1 1/2 away). She came right over and took her to the ER (which was an all day ordeal as you can imagine). Now, if my brother would have just taken the TWO MINUTES to wheel the garden hose caddy to the front of the house for her, the falling incident would never have happened. What is WRONG WITH HIM???? I didn't find out about the incident until the next day when my niece called me on my cell phone. She didn't know I was out of town. I was in the middle of West Virginia and was so pissed at my brother, I could have spit! He never thinks, just whines and complains all the time. I don't know how my mother stands it. Although, she is his enabler, telling anyone who will listen, "Oh, he helps me so much. I'm so glad he lives here with me." Really??? Weird as it sounds, I am grateful that he does lives there to keep a semi-eye on her but I wish he would realized she's 84 years old and can't do the things she used to do, even a couple of years ago. She is getting frailer by the year and he just doesn't get it. I have to "step back" now and then so I don't go off on him. He's clueless.

Good luck. You have to do what works for you...even if that means spending the day with your kids and having lunch with your mom on a different day...somewhere that doesn't serve alcohol. Why should you have to put up with that?

When my mom first moved in with me she would have several glasses of wine each evening. The last straw for me was when I called her out on it.....in the nicest way possible...but I had to speak my mind because I was irritated with her behavior....she was rude and started swearing at me. Now I keep the wine hidden and she gets one small glass a few times a week...my house, my rules...and it's for her own safety as she is unsteady on her feet...it is so much better this way. I know she doesn't like it but has accepted it.

As far as Mother's Day...my husband and I are planning a breakfast at our house and have invited his parents. I just hope I can get mom up and ready and not have to hear "it's just another day" like I hear from time to time about different holidays.......

And the comment about getting away from grandchildren events....I can relate...my mom isn't interested in having any part of it...thank goodness for my in-laws....they have played a huge role in my kids' lives. My daughter will soon be graduating from high school with honors...mom will probably stay home and watch TV........

Wait- it is Mother's Day??? CRAP!

This Sunday?????

:) :) very funny MishkaM

I was just wondering if the name "suxtobeme" was open!

My MIL's birthday is Friday, then we have Mother's Day - oh for the days we could just take her out for a meal or send her a restaurant gift certificate so she could take her sister out for lunch.

I sent my Mom some flowers and you can upload a picture for the vase. It is pricey- well, the darn delivery fee is as much as the product- but it will be nice for her to get flowers with a vase with a picture of her and my girl. I think it is just a photocopy of the picture I uploaded and printed on paper and wrapped around the vase - not actually printed in the glass- but that is OK. I am going up at the end of the month to take care of Mom and take her to her neurology appointment (YAY_ maybe get some answers finally!!) so I don't feel bad about not seeing her on Mom's day. And I think I will send her a video of me,my girl and my husband (whom she adores) on the day of. Dad will have to open the video message for her and still it is a crap shoot if it actually gets open. I try to send her e-cards for fun and both of them say they don't get them - but I know they do they just cannot figure out how to open them!!!!
OK.
Done and done.
Phew! -thanks, Debralee for the reminder!!!!

I hate all holidays. Mother's Day, Christmas, 4th of July, Easter (and I'm Catholic), Valentine's Day...I even hate my birthday. If someone discovers they forgot your birthday then they feel bad and when that happens I have to reassure the person that I don't care if they forgot and it's just a huge mess. People feel obligated to do something for a birthday and no one believes me when I tell them that I could not care less about my birthday. I'll celebrate someone else's birthday---if I have to---but other than that, yuck. Except my daughter's birthday. I like her birthday.

Actually, I kind of like Halloween too because I like to watch all the Halloween movies on tv every year.

Am I completely devoid of sentiment? Hmmm.....

Eyerishlass, Tear down that wall!! LOL
I like Thanksgiving the best. Honor the Blessed Turkey! And...
It's fun to grill Kosher dogs and go to the beach to watch fireworks on 4th of July.
Probably the best family day is Christmas when I make prime ribs of beef, Yorkshire pudding, creamed spinach, and Trifle. omg. xo

Holidays are so hard here. They just wind my girl up so much. Christmas is like months of anxiety. She loves Santa, hates Santa ( I mean he does sneak into your house). I asked her if she wanted me to just get her the presents so Santa could concentrate on the little kids but she said 'no'. I told her at age 16 she is automatically on the good list no matter what -still worries. If I could do it over and knew the anxiety it would cause her we would not have even started the whole Santa tradition, I think.
I told my husband to NOT get me anything for Mom's Day. It is too hard. -my girl gets too wound up. We have been having lots of behavior issues and that same day is the day we tour her special needs camp( why it is that day is beyond me) -if we try and do that -which she is anxious about -and have her give me a card--- just crazy hard.
So I am with you Eyerishlass ! Holidays are hard!!! I don't like Halloween -(though I do like scary movies) but the fourth of July is OK. I like fire works and the Twilight Zone marathon on Sci Fi channel. :0)
@onceheatedDIL- hee hee on the suxtobeme. :0) You could do sux2BMe, too

My mother hates flowers. Her preference is being taken out to dinner. Past experiences was always drinking 2-3 alcoholic beverages and eating hardly nothing. She is not favorable to a brunch or lunch. I volunteered to work 4 hours that day and will send her a card. My children live close enough to enjoy some time together. My mother hates me working it takes away time from being with her. I am grateful for my job it is the best excuse in the world for limiting my time having to entertain a person who has little outside interests.

Hi I have a question, did your mom drink in her younger years? Why is she taking Ativan? Perhaps it would be prudent to find a geriatric physician to evaluate her. Ativan is not a good medication for the elderly depending on how much and how much she uses it. Could she be trying to mask depression and loneliness? Even independent older adults have feelings of uselessness, despondency, etc. It is part of the normal cycle of aging, as elderly we reevaluate our lives and often regret things we did or did not do in our younger years. alcohol increases depressive symptoms and exacerbates an underlying depression. I agree you need to limit your visit time with your mother for your sanity. I agree with much stated above by other members. I do however think a short time together will be more beneficial than a gift. You can never replace that opportunity once she is gone. Perhaps time alone without your sister would allow you to talk to her candidly about your concerns, if you feel there could be an underlying issue. I don't know if you are a spiritual person, but I find a simple prayer or spiritual reading helps me center on mom mothers needs or my child's needs when I am feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities. I do this before going to see her, because although I love her dearly, she knows how to push my buttons. She says things she never would have said in her youth, she has lost her filter as many older adults do! God bless you and your family. Happy Mother's Day to you both. Good luck.

Sorry for the typos in the above post. I pads correct things they should not! :)

My mother has always had a two drink a night ritual before eating for as ;ong as I can remember. She was prescribed Ativan by her pulmonologist, she has COPD. It was mostly prescribed to help her fall asleep without the fear of breathing issues. She failed to listen to her doctors advice about side affects, nor did she read the paperwork that comes with the prescription. I had to tell her not to drive if taking Ativan and that alcohol consumption with Ativan increases the effects of alcohol.

My partner’s mother walked out of the house the 3 of us share, 3 weeks ago. She ‘ran away from home’ to one of her other son’s houses This woman will be 80 in 3 months. She has very little muscle strength. She is mean spirited. She has made bold-face lies. My partner & I see that she needs assistance. Her other 3 children do not. She has fallen while in the care of 2 of the 3. According to her, 1 son did not check on her for hours as she lay on the floor in the guestroom of his home. She told us about those falls and others. She has broken a hip. She still drives. Her car had damage from things she has hit. She likes to drink wine & sits leaning at a nearly 45 degree angle. Her prescriptions say to avoid alcohol. She drives to the sotre and purchases her own wine. She is mad that we have hidden the step-stool. She is not clean in the kitchen and will watch me like a buzzard when I clean to disinfect. She likes the sink to be dry. She does not clean it first, simply drys the sink. She will rinse out a dog bowl and put it in the dish drainer with the ‘clean’ people dishes. She will wash dishes by hand & leave food on the silverware and the dishes and then blames it on the dishwasher. (The dog the bowl belongs to is mine, but I still do not want a dirty dogbowl in a drainer with clean human dishes) The other siblings think we should move out because everyone is so unhappy. She has not contacted us since her temper tantrum 3 weeks ago. My partner/her son sent her a text to let her know that her friends are leaving voicemails on her home phone and are concerned. She has not acknowledged his communication. One brother is trying to mediate. Apparently my partner & I are the only ones who want to sit down together and talk. We have also suggested an evaluation by a medical professional. Neither of these ideas seem to be agreeable to anyone else.

I am sure there are others who have other family members that do not see the need for an aging parrent to need assistance and that that same parent might not be happy about anything the caregivers do. This is already a run-on-paragraph…. Any suggestions?

Sorry to run on . . . I am going to send an e-mail card to my partner's mother. Although she is not a nice person, it is still Mother's Day & I will not give her that stick to beat me with. E-mail can really be a big help

Oh, HarpnJack-I hear you about the dirty dishes. Before my Mom was in a wheelchair she would wash like that. She and Dad still keep the dog's toothbrush in the same holder as the people brushes!!!! And they kept the cat box in the linen closet -with the clean towel and sheets!!!!! It is crazy!!! Does she also have medicine and canned food from the eighties???

Crazy.

I don't know, HarpnJack, I would just see where this goes. If you partner's mother is "happy" where she's at (and her other son has no problem letting her stay there), I would leave well enough alone for a while. You say she is mean-spirited. I think you two deserve a break, in my humble opinion (IMHO). Enjoy your break -- she will return to you, you can bet on it.

The way everyone is complaining................Just think, perhaps she won't be here next year on Mother's Day!

Complaining-it is called venting. Perhaps I may not be here next Mother's Day. Emotional stress kills faster than aging. Is it so hard to want to have a Mother's Day free from celebrating with someone in a drunken stupor?

Venting helps caregivers release negative energy so we can focus on taking care and being around our loved ones. We vent but that doesn't mean we don't appreciate the time we have with mom (or dad)...sure we do...this Mother's Day....next Mother's Day....it's just that being around certain behaviors....negativity, too much alcohol consumption, not wanting to be involved in the special events of their grand children's lives....is upsetting and not much fun to be around........

I know.......I've had my mother with me and my husband for a year now. After a brain bleed in Dec., I placed her in assisted living, but she was discharged from there because of her "yelling" behavior. After not finding another AL that I liked,
I brought her back home and called in hospice. We have endured much "bad behavior," and I am sad that she continues to decline and I know it is a matter of time. My mother would never have given the care that we give her, but that's another story. Some morning I will find her ................gone. This is only for a season, and I trust that God's Grace is Sufficient for all of us caregivers. BTW, I have vented plenty on here. The whole process is an emotional rollercoaster!

Mother's Day -- Sigh -- I bought my mother a new suit and blouse to wear. I already know that it will be wrong and she'll want to return it. Or it will be too expensive, so she'll want to return it because she doesn't want me to spend my money like crazy. And she'll get mad at me for doing it. Then we'll head off to church and to lunch somewhere afterwards. She'll talk about how she didn't like the preacher and couldn't hear a word he said. Then we'll go home and I'll be free. Sometimes on Sunday I just nap in the afternoon. It helps flush all the negativity from my brain.

Mother's Day is nothing special here, because every day is Mother's Day.

Have you tried taking your mother out with your children? Before you go out to eat, suggest you dine in so if there is any trouble you can nip it in the bud. Also tell your mother you do not want her to mix drugs it is dangerous, and not around your children. You can take her to her mother's gravesite as long as she is sober. Good luck, and Happy Mother's Day!

Ever, I hate all holidays too. I don't like Thanksgiving the very worst. Evil sister and her family won't invite me over. She lives about a mile away and when I drive by her house I see tons of cars there, like half the town, but she won't invite me. So I have to scramble to find someone to have the holidays with. Then later sister says I am uncooperative. So the best day of the year is December 26. Hit the sales.

That is easy to rectify. Plan a weekend getaway with just you and Mom or else plan a day in another town with you, your kids and mom so it is a real mother's day for you and her. Tell her in advance to make no plans as you have a big surprise for her. Pick her up early and go off for a day trip including a special meal out. Don't give her details she could pass on to your sister. Go somewhere where there is NO alcohol served at all. You should be able to to have a good day this way.

I hated holidays, however, my husband and I made a pact that we make things as short as possible so we could enjoy the holiday. Then if my mother had a bad day, I'd go home, enjoy a drink and chill. My mother was narcissistic (now deceased). I have to tell you there is no easy way to avoid dealing with the holidays when you have someone that drains your energy, but I will say this....

Just because they are family does not mean you are committed to them even if they gave birth to you. It is NOT easy to say no, however, it can be done.

I am thankful that I no longer need to worry about that, but those with great mothers... enjoy the day and thank God for your blessings of a functional relationship. Those who have dysfunctional mothers, do you best and minimize your time. Have a drink at the end and just say, "Hooray I survived another holiday!" ;)

Blessings to you all!

Sometimes it is nice to get suggestions.

Sometimes it is nice to get a gentle nudge in a different direction.

Sometimes it is nice to read about a similar situation. ( ummmm, yeah)

AND------


Sometimes it is nice to hear/read: "I understand. It is hard. You are justified in feeling frustrated" and then stop.

Debralee-It sounds hard, I understand and I think you are justified in your feelings of frustration.