Dreading the upcoming Mother's Day.

Started by

Not because I am a mother. but because I have a mother who wants me to take her out to dinner like last year which she thoroughly enjoyed, I hated it. She put me in the middle of a screaming match with my sister over something trivial. She drank her meal, ate very little and getting drunk. She asked to visit her mother at the cemetery and almost passed out. Comes to find out she had taken an Ativan earlier which with the amount of alcohol consumption caused her to almost pass out. I gave up being with my children that day to try and make a nice day for her and NOW she wants a repeat performance this year. I wish this day would just skip by.


Oh, you poor dear! My heart goes out to you. Here's my suggestion: If you get along with your sister, I would call her (your sister) and discuss last year's event and why you do not want a repeat performance. From your posting, you didn't mention what caused the "screaming match". Do you and your sister get along? If so, I would suggest that perhaps taking Mom out to "lunch" would be better this year. If you don't get along, I would visit Mom and tell her you'd like to take her to lunch/brunch on Mother's Day and make reservations somewhere EARLY (like 11 am, if possible). Then just the two of you go and try to make it as pleasant as possible.

You are a Mom, too, and you deserve a nice day with YOUR children. Take Mom to lunch for a couple of hours and then take her home. Spend the day relaxing with YOUR family and enjoy.

I love my 84-year old Mom, but the thought of spending the whole day with her is daunting to me. She wears 2 hearing aids and I am constantly repeating myself over and over again that eventually my conversation with her ends up with me yelling at her (not angrily, but because she can't hear). It's majorly frustrating for me and mentally exhausting! She just had her 84th birthday this past Wednesday and I spent most of the day with her and took her out to dinner with my sister, brother and my in-laws. Dinner, alone, took 2 hours! After that, we took her home (my brother lives with her, but is MINIMALLY helpful) and I brought a cake for dessert. She moves so slow now and her mind wanders. She will start to say something, then totally forgets what she wanted to say. Then she repeats and repeats the same things over and over. We (my husband, 2 daughters, and myself) didn't get home until 9:30 p.m. that night and I was so mentally exhausted I went right to sleep.

When I go over there, she always wants me to do something, fix something, put something up (i.e. decorations, chotchkey stuff). It's always something. Never mind, my brother LIVES THERE!! He always "hides" up in his room. I take her to all her doctor appts. because he is totally useless in this regard. I asked him one time to take her to get some bloodwork done and he helps her into the building and then waits in the waiting room while she slowly (and I mean SLOWLY) walks in the blood collection room with the phlebotomist. Last time, he took her, she screamed because the phlebotomist hurt her trying to "dig around" for a vein to take blood. I'm sure you could hear her in the waiting room! I mean, really! Couldn't he go in there with her???

Anyway, I digress. Again, my suggestion would be to limit your Mother's Day visit to a short lunch and spend the rest of the day enjoying yourself. You deserve it, too.
help2day's advice is perfect- I just wanted to commiserate. My brother was going to attend a funeral so made plans for he and his wife to visit Mom on the way to the funeral. Mom had a list of jobs for him- even though another brother and 2 sisters live nearby (list included changing a battery in a small wall clock) The best part was that the list actually included working on her car! My brother was quite dressed up as he was a pall bearer. When my mom moved back North after my dad died, she wanted my oldest sister to host big family gatherings for every holiday at sister's home. Mom had lived in Florida nearly 20 years, in the meantime all the families had grown through marriage and grandkids. To host is now expensive - its like hosting a small church gathering. Mom doesn't care, she wants to recreate the "old days" - hmmmm, part of the reason she moved to Florida was to get away from the calendar of grandchildren events and having to host such large get togethers- my mom isn't happy until everyone else has jumped, as high as she would like.
Send her a nice card and have flowers delivered. Tell her you're going out of town for your celebration of motherhood.
Where does the parent-child thing get SO screwed up?! As soon as kids become parents, you hand off the baton. Christmas and other holidays, the same. Our adult children need to formulate their own traditions and be honored by THEIR children. Self-centered people need to get over themselves.
I wish you, Debralee, and all of us who are often over-shadowed by selfish individuals, a very Happy Mother's Day. xo
Thank you, OncehatedDIL, for your comment. I hear you....my list of jobs is never ending, too! Little piddly things that she never asks my brother to do. And he lives WITH her in her house. He whines like an 8-year old (he's 63) so she's stopped asking him to do anything. She'll just wait for me to come over or try to do it herself.

One year, my husband and I decided to go away for the holiday (Memorial Day) weekend alone (for a change). I had made sure I did all the little tasks she wanted done before I left. Of course, after I left, she wanted my brother to bring out the garden hose caddy from the backyard to the front yard so she could water her flowers. He was going to go out for the evening and, like a big baby, he told her he'd "do it later" and left. Well, you guessed it. My stubborn mother decided she didn't want to wait, so she dragged the heavy garden hose caddy out from the back patio to the front and she tripped and fell and smacked her head on the cement. Of course, she was bleeding profusely from the head wound. None of the neighbors were outside at the time, so how she managed to get up and drag herself across the street to her other elderly neighbor's house, I don't know. The neighbor called my niece (only lives 1 1/2 away). She came right over and took her to the ER (which was an all day ordeal as you can imagine). Now, if my brother would have just taken the TWO MINUTES to wheel the garden hose caddy to the front of the house for her, the falling incident would never have happened. What is WRONG WITH HIM???? I didn't find out about the incident until the next day when my niece called me on my cell phone. She didn't know I was out of town. I was in the middle of West Virginia and was so pissed at my brother, I could have spit! He never thinks, just whines and complains all the time. I don't know how my mother stands it. Although, she is his enabler, telling anyone who will listen, "Oh, he helps me so much. I'm so glad he lives here with me." Really??? Weird as it sounds, I am grateful that he does lives there to keep a semi-eye on her but I wish he would realized she's 84 years old and can't do the things she used to do, even a couple of years ago. She is getting frailer by the year and he just doesn't get it. I have to "step back" now and then so I don't go off on him. He's clueless.
Good luck. You have to do what works for you...even if that means spending the day with your kids and having lunch with your mom on a different day...somewhere that doesn't serve alcohol. Why should you have to put up with that?

When my mom first moved in with me she would have several glasses of wine each evening. The last straw for me was when I called her out on it.....in the nicest way possible...but I had to speak my mind because I was irritated with her behavior....she was rude and started swearing at me. Now I keep the wine hidden and she gets one small glass a few times a week...my house, my rules...and it's for her own safety as she is unsteady on her feet...it is so much better this way. I know she doesn't like it but has accepted it.

As far as Mother's Day...my husband and I are planning a breakfast at our house and have invited his parents. I just hope I can get mom up and ready and not have to hear "it's just another day" like I hear from time to time about different holidays.......

And the comment about getting away from grandchildren events....I can relate...my mom isn't interested in having any part of it...thank goodness for my in-laws....they have played a huge role in my kids' lives. My daughter will soon be graduating from high school with honors...mom will probably stay home and watch TV........
Wait- it is Mother's Day??? CRAP!
This Sunday?????
:) :) very funny MishkaM

I was just wondering if the name "suxtobeme" was open!

My MIL's birthday is Friday, then we have Mother's Day - oh for the days we could just take her out for a meal or send her a restaurant gift certificate so she could take her sister out for lunch.
I sent my Mom some flowers and you can upload a picture for the vase. It is pricey- well, the darn delivery fee is as much as the product- but it will be nice for her to get flowers with a vase with a picture of her and my girl. I think it is just a photocopy of the picture I uploaded and printed on paper and wrapped around the vase - not actually printed in the glass- but that is OK. I am going up at the end of the month to take care of Mom and take her to her neurology appointment (YAY_ maybe get some answers finally!!) so I don't feel bad about not seeing her on Mom's day. And I think I will send her a video of me,my girl and my husband (whom she adores) on the day of. Dad will have to open the video message for her and still it is a crap shoot if it actually gets open. I try to send her e-cards for fun and both of them say they don't get them - but I know they do they just cannot figure out how to open them!!!!
Done and done.
Phew! -thanks, Debralee for the reminder!!!!
I hate all holidays. Mother's Day, Christmas, 4th of July, Easter (and I'm Catholic), Valentine's Day...I even hate my birthday. If someone discovers they forgot your birthday then they feel bad and when that happens I have to reassure the person that I don't care if they forgot and it's just a huge mess. People feel obligated to do something for a birthday and no one believes me when I tell them that I could not care less about my birthday. I'll celebrate someone else's birthday---if I have to---but other than that, yuck. Except my daughter's birthday. I like her birthday.

Actually, I kind of like Halloween too because I like to watch all the Halloween movies on tv every year.

Am I completely devoid of sentiment? Hmmm.....

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support