Dreaded finances and siblings - vent warning!!


Im not even sure where to start but i care for my mum at least 6 days a week-the usual cook drive,organize her day ect (i have 3 young kids,my sister works full time). We are not exactly financially flush and as my sister took it upon herself to be appointed EPOA I have asked her tonight if i could have mums secondary card so when im out i can get things for her without sometimes making the extra trip to pick her up,take her to the shops and bring her home (all the while getting kids crying and cranky in and out of car seats ect). I was absolutely floored when the response was "i cant just start give you a card to mums account so you can use it when ever you feel like it". To me this is suggesting mistrust and when i confronted her on it she refused to talk any more.. i sent her a message explaining i was coming from a practical point of view and wouldnt be used every day. What makes it worse was the condecending,lying response. I was told that under no circumstances would she be handing mums card to anybody (im not anybody,im mums daughter with 3 kids,3 step kids,1 income,paying child support for 3 kids and hubby works away on an average income). She has 2 homes with her partner,no kids (and no tolerance) and in the last month has seen mum twice since she was stopped from driving. Mum doesn't eat when shes on her own so you physically have to be there to make sure she eats. She says she takes her meds but ive checked and she doesnt. My sister did offer to take 1 day...1 DAY a weekend to take mum shopping and cook food for her for the week so im not out of pocket. Is it just me or does this just feel like a "wham bam, ive done my bit and now i can ignoe mum til next sunday. She doesnt ring (even though she says she does) . Ive been checking mums phone due to a person taking advantage of her and just happen to notice my sister hadnt called once in 3 weeks but said she had. She is a very overbaring person that likes control. Its not about the money but the fact im being told no i cant just use it whenever i want. I feel really offended and feel like she has not a clue about the reality of our situation. Am i over reacting or does this happen alot. . Sorry for the rant!

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.


Is your sister legally assigned as POA? Is your mother still competent to change the POA? I would say to step back and let your sister take over mom's care. But it sounds like she doesn't really care to follow up on mom to see how she's doing - 3 weeks without calling. Depending on what you want to take on with regards to mom - since you have so many depending on you - do you want to try to get POA?

If not, then you will really need to set aside time, do a budget, an expense report - and show sis your figures. Show her your average monthly spending for mom's expense. Tell sis that with credit cards,she can go online and check out where you're charging mom's card. She can always text you about the charge. In return, you will keep all the receipts charged for mom, scan and email it to sis. (Best to get a low cost printer/scanner for this purpose. Saw one at Kmart for about $75.00 on sale a year go.) The printer/scanner should be paid from mom's account since sis will need the receipts as back-up to your charges.

If sis still refuses, perhaps make an appointment with an elder care lawyer for advice.

Thanks gladimhere. It just feels so much like an issue with control. Feel like im been made to beg. I was more than supportive at the time for her to be epoa just so we could get them signed and said i would support her and help her out but the minute i need support i get crapped on. And whats worse,mum accused her of stealing money and told her friends but i stuck up for my sister and told them it was the dimentia talking not mum. Thanks!!

Been there, done that. I had Mom's credit card until sis POA took it. You would think that I had been charging all sorts of unnecessary items or buying for myself. No there wasn't any of that. Finally my twisted sister gave me a prepaid debit card, a rather expensive way to handle it, but for the most part it worked. One draw back being I had to request another card when balance was getting low.