I don't like her and I want my life back.

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Hi all I guess I will just jump in here. To give you a brief history when I was ten my mother's parents moved into our home. My mother did a great job for a while being a full-time caregiver however as caregiving goes r1's pristinely clean home rapidly became very cluttered and dirty my father was not very much help to her and my brother was fifteen at the time and met the woman he would marry so he was little to no help as well. Then as time went on my poor mother was saddled with my father's parents as well. So Bing what it what was my mother relies more and more on me to help her by the time I was 14 I was changing adult diapers helping her get my grandparents dressed and giving insulin shots my mother finally put my grandmother in a nursing home when I was 18 as she was the only grandparent left and my mother's health was failing fast forward to today. I Have Become a caregiver for my mother-in-law we have never had a good relationship I have always found her to be selfish stingy and her favoritism between the children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren makes me crazy. So for the last year I have stayed home to clean her house do her grocery shopping and cart her back and forth too numerous doctors appointments about a month-and-a-half ago she was admitted to the hospital and when she came home she no longer could do anything for herself and so I am a 24/7 caregiver to a woman I really don't like I wish I could say it was different but it's not. I really wish she had chosen to go to a rehab center 2 recuperate. I am just tired of not having my freedom more than anything I don't mind the tasks I just hate not having any freedom. Thank you all for listening

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Try to keep it as simple as possible when explaining your position to your husband and or his mother. If someone doesn't have a good mind then it seems it's a decision the caretakers have to make on how much help the elder needs and then it's up to the caretakers to get that help. They might do it themselves or hire help or a combination of the two or choose an outside placement. If the Elder does have a good mind then the Elder can make a decision on where they want to live and who will care for them but it is up to the caregivers to say what they are willing to do and what they won't do. They have to explain that the Elder needs to pay to receive the help they need. If the caregiver sends a mixed message of saying they will care for the elder and then become resentful about it, then it doesn't work and that's not fair to the elder or the caregiver. So to keep things straight someone has to tell your MIL that you are no longer available to be her caretaker. You must do your part by telling your husband that you are no longer available to care for his mother. Then it is up to him to tell his mother that while he would like to work and take care of her and have a relationship with his wife, he can't do it all. Then give her a choice. Hire help to come in or go to rehab. He may be thinking this is a little bump in the road and he will pick up the slack until she is better. Whatever he is thinking, you best serve your husband and his mother by being up front and honest with what you are willing to do. AND anyone can change their mind. If you thought you could do it and tried and then found out you couldn't, you should be able to say so and not have to feel bad about it. Your husband is in a tough spot right now. You have been there and done that and can appreciate how hard the work is and how hard it is to tell his mother the new program. It's up to him to decide what he will do. Then it's up to MIL to decide what she will do. What you've given up to now was a great help I'm sure. The sooner this message is delivered and received the better for all. Don't wait until you have no emotional reserve left.
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I have to say I exaggerated a bit bit when I said she could do nothing for herself. Her mind is 100% intact she still pays her own bills and medicates herself. Physically she can transport herself to the bedside commode and back that's it.
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Angelkw for the first year while I was doing what I call light duty caregiving he was a non participant. When she came home from the hospital recently I made it clear that he was going to help and he really has he gets her ready and puts her to bed every night after having worked all day. And more. I do often wonder how long he can keep doing it. Before he burns out
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May I ask where your husband is in all of this? If I were you I'd tell him that he can take care of her.

Angel
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Well geewiz... lol. Getting her to part with any of her precious money will be a challenge. My husband and I did discuss having someone in every other weekend so we could just "be" and she must of had a little guilt in the beginning because she asked about having someone come to help but quickly changed her mind when she found out it would be 18 to 24 dollars an hour. We will see if he presses her on the issue
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Silly girl, what about using MIL's income to have an aide -- preferably a live in but if not clearly one that does most of the heavy stuff. If someone objects, suggest that person give you some respite, like 3 days a week. If he/she can't do that, tell your husband you JUST can't do it. Truly, none of us can. Speak up before it goes any longer
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