I'm done with trying to manage her mood.

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Today I thought of something that is a worry for me. And I know it is probably a worry for a lot of us when it comes to parents. My mother has problems with her mood. Sometimes she wants to sleep all day and mopes around like she's sick when she's not. Sometimes she is up for a day, then down for two. Caregivers get all kind of advice about how to make our parents feel better -- Antidepressants, anxiolytics, entertainment, friends, daycare, senior centers. At the end we find that it is all the same. It was like a dog chasing its tail and our parent is still not happy.

Today I was pondering geri psych treatment and suddenly realized that I am tired of trying to manage my mother's mood. I've had almost six years of it. If she wanted to do something about her mood, she could have done it herself during her 88 years on earth. I am no longer going to worry about it.

I guess I can think of this as a new boundary. If she wants to be in a grumpy mood, then it's her grumpy mood to feel. I am going to go on with life and not worry about fixing it anymore.


Jessie, that's a good thought. I'm going to try very hard to adopt this line of thought with regard to my mom's anxiety. She's on meds for it, she can have more if she wants and asks. It's not my job to manage it. Thank you do much!
Jessie, I am dealing with the same thing here... my Mom was always the ruler of the house and Dad & I did things her way growing up. Mom knew best, and 95% of the time she was right. I thought she would have mellow as she got older and she did for awhile.

Apparently my Mom hates getting old, so that mood will appear if someone tells her it is "age related". She had her first fall on Friday but was back home by Sunday. Oops, age related. A professional caregiver came later in the day, and you'd think I had torched the house, Mom wasn't a happy camper. So I had to cancel the service much to Dad's regret as he loved having a new set of ears each day to tell his stories.

Oh well, I gave Mom a chance. I was just trying to help her out and she didn't want it. The gals from the agency were so nice, I wanted to get sick so they could help me :)
Jesse, my mother was no walk in the park, but not near as much of a challenge as yours. She did not have dementia, but was in a lot of pain and refused to properly manage it. Therefore, her moods were like a roller coaster ride....up, way up, down, way down....

Do what you need to do...it certainly sounds as if you have given it much thought to it and you have to choose what works best. Hugs to you!
I wasn't aware that you could affect much change in mental status in a person with dementia. Medications can help with mood. I would work with the doctors to adjust that.

What level is your mom with her dementia? Maybe your expectations are too high. I think you may be placing a lot of responsibility on yourself for something you have no control over.
I'm not going to worry about working with the doctors anymore on it. Usually I am the only one who sees the moods. She is fine when anyone else asks. We've gone through several medications now and some doctors. I won't go into everything here so I can keep this short. But we always ended up where we began.

I do not know if my mother has dementia, though she has been diagnosed. She has confusion and memory loss, but it has been pretty much the same for 6 years now. And she has been grumpy up and down with me for the same amount of time. I'm stepping away from it emotionally.
Since your mom has been dx with dementia her moods are not her fault. I understand your frustrations as my mom has dementia 16 years. It takes its toll. Have you considered placing mom in a facility? The goal is to keep her safe, pain free and content. If you can no longer do this which is certainly understandable it might be good to place her where the professionals can do their job.
I love it, Jesse! You're rockin' it out! Now stick to your guns!
Wouldn't we all love to have a magic wand so we could fix whatever is wrong, be it dementia, mental illness or physical disability. There comes a point, especially when caregiving stretches into years, when you have to stop investing yourself in fixing and just focus on making it through each single day, hour, moment.
Moods, I think, are never anyone's "fault". They are a combination of temperament, goodness of fit of parenting, life circumstances and brain chemistry. If, as an adult with agency, you are miserable with your life, you seek out ways to change or manage your mental health. And you practise good mental hygiene.

I think what Jess is saying is that her mom's moods are not something she is going to take responsibility for any longer. Nothing Jess does makes her mom less grumpy.
I guess I'm confused since your profile says her primary ailment is Alzheimers/dementia. Why would you doubt the diagnosis?

I don't necessarily expect my loved one to be in a good mood since she has advanced dementia. In fact, I don't see many people with dementia who are in a good mood. Most are anxious, scared, depressed and confused. So, when Cymbalta brought my loved one relief from anxiety and allowed her to be content, I was overjoyed. I think that it's a miracle that she is helped with that medication and now she doesn't cry and bite her nails to the nub.

I would continue to have your mom evaluated to see if there is a medication that can help her depression, if that is what she has. Maybe, she's as good as she can be for this stage of her disease. It's not about you though. It's an illness. I would try to not take it personally. It's caused by brain damage. It sounds like you are upset with things from years ago that have nothing to do with dementia. I'm sorry you were hurt by that, but I would try to gain a way to separate it from your attitude to your mom now, who likely has no memory of it.

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