I have given up 4 months to care for my mother and my sister has done nothing.

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I've given up 4 months of my life to take care of my mom. I put my life on hold, took family leave, neglected my sons, neglected me, neglected my friends, and just neglected life trying to take care of my mom since October while my sister never even took any time off.

My mother gave me DPOA Financial and it's been that way since October. I've taken care of everything with little help from my sister. Every time I take a break (3-4 days away) my sister would get sick and have to go to the hospital, as some of you know.

I have all my moms paper work and there is none at my moms house. There are different people coming in and out, caregiver, and she asked me to take it. Now this last week she'd been asking me to bring the paper work back. I finally said OK, knowing my mom cannot even READ now, she will look at something and can't read one thing. Her eyesight has been effected and the doctor knows it. Anyway I'll continue....everytime I am away for a while my mom starts calling me asking me a bunch of questions. I answer them then she calls back with the same questions again and again and again. Beginning Dem/Alz I realize this by reading from these posts. I also realize she's just a shell of the mother that was and although that in itself is very very hard to deal with, I've dealt with it continuing to go over and do what was needed to be done.

Everything that my mom needed I ordered. Everything that needed to be paid I paid. Everyone that needed to be notified I notified. I even alphabatized all her paper work and put it in a nice file cabinet and in a safe deposit box.

Keep in mind that my sister, her husband, and their 2 teenage kids live in my moms house yet I've been the delegated one so everyone else just kicked back. Anyway everytime I am gone for a few days when I return I feel like a stranger in my moms house and I feel my sister is busy undermining everything I do. Well here goes the killer!

Low and behold my sister convinces my mom to remove me as DPOA and make her DPOA. Can you believe it. But although I am very dissapointed in my mom I know she is being manipulated and handled but I am going to look at it this way.

They need not bother calling me when she goes to the hospital. I won't fill in. My mom need not call me when she THINKS no one is there with her, I will not respond. I will not answer my phone.

I have made myself sick, literally sick from all of this. I actually now know that one can become sick yourself just from doing so much for that "special parent". I do not plan on being sick anymore.

I've been complaining about my sister not doing anything for a while on line here but now the ball is in her hand and I am passing the batton on to her. She can have at it and I will become the complacent one. I will become the one that has been talked about and been called the deadbeat. I will take all this in stride, although I am hurting at the thought that my mom has agreed to this. I am truly hurting.

I'll allow about 3 days to hurt and then I'm gonna pick myself up, get back in shape, and get back to work. I'll let my sister take care of all of this and I will feel no shame about it.

Now don't think I'm not rulling out praying because after I finish this bottle of wine, I'm gonna open up my Bible and ask God to remove this malice I have in my heart. Gonna ask him to give me peace, gonna ask him to show me how to forgive and forget. Oh I'm gonna fall down on my face and pray because no matter what no one says there is power in prayer.

273 Comments

Oh by the way, my mom was denied for Medical so she will have to use her savings to pay for the care giver but let her and my sister worry about it now.
I'm new here, but saw your post and I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Working through those emotions and allowing God his rightful authority to deal with your sister and mom is much easier when you don't have to continue to "walk" in a situation. But I'm praying that God will help you to do just that as I pray the same for myself in my situation.
wow. 4 whole months? you're lucky. Run and don't look back. Sure it hurts now but when you're out of the situation for a few weeks it should feel a lot better. Please understand that you have dodged a MAJOR bullet. Your mom has spoken for your sister and there you have it.

You have much to be thankful for. You have a job to go back to and a sibling to take charge and let you GO! You may not like her methods but you are free, are you not?

I've lost everything, including the job of my life and my pension and portfolio. I'm in my 6th year and an only child with no siblings, good or bad, to help, take over whatever. Of course your mother is being manipulated. Thank God.

Let go and let God. He has already relieved you of this burden and he will remove the malice from your heart when you realize that He removed you as caretaker because He loves you so.

Hang in there Pamela6148 and drink a toast to those of us who rejoice in your freedom.

love,
Bobbie
Thank you Bobbie. But I have to tell you, yesterday my mom called me and asked me if I was going to bring her some lunch. What did I do, I not only brought her lunch, but I went to the grocery store and brought her some groceries. I wanted her to know that I am not mad and that "WE" are OK. I'm betting that she isn't even remembering what has happened.

I have let go, and I'm letting God take the wheel!

Four months took a toll on me like you wouldn't believe, well I guess you would.

Thank you again Bobbie.
I know the toll, Pamela. I have aged 20 years in 6. This is why I'm talking to you like this. Girl if I were you I would be doing the happy dance except I feel too old and sad to dance. I am totally used up. Run.
When mom calls for lunch, send her a pizza. Give yourself a few weeks to get over this first phase and you will see that your sister will handle it. She may not do everything the way you want, but consider it a delegation which means you have to accept the other person's methods.

Your mom will be fine, your sister will have an omg moment any minute now and you need to be NOT AVAILABLE.

It takes 21 days to create a new habit. Just focus on not doing and overdoing (lunch winds up with additional groceries) and just letting your sister handle it. Do you think you can get away with being unavailable for 3 weeks? You will heal and your outlook will be dramatically different.

I'm very excited for you! write back and tell me what you think.

lovbob
Bobbie are you serious, go 3 weeks without going over there, or talking to my mom, or anything. Don't you think this will reinforce all the bad things that my sister had said about me to my mom. Don't you think my mom will think that I don't care? and that care giver (whom I hired), don't you think that will make me look awfully bad?

The last thing I want is for my mom to think I don't love her. But maybe she does need to realize what she's done to me huh. Stay away whoaaaaa that might be hard for me.

Oh also I had to go and take that In HOme Care Giver's bill to my mom for my sister to pay which is by the way for 2 weeks...are you ready for this $1,900.00.
Pamela:
I understand your frustrations and have been dealing with my mother on a daily basis for over 2 1/2 years now. My brother does not help at all and only lives 20 minutes from my mother. (I live only one mile away from my mom.) When I ask him for help, he claims he can't help because he has a full time job and a family. Duh, so do I!!!! We had a very good relationship before my father died, but now I can't stand to be near him. He has charged things on my mother's charge card without her permission and has borrowed money for bills a few times. Yet, when we get to his house for one of his kid's birthdays, he shows us the new furniture he bought and renovations that he has done.

I wish he would "step up to the plate" and help me out. Do what is in your heart for your mom alone (ie: bringing her lunch) and let your sister deal with all the bullsh*t that comes with taking care of our elders.
I am on my 10th year and I salute you to have the courage to walk away. Just remember that you mother most likely has no idea of what she is doing on the consequences (no more than a 3 year old child) so don't make her pay because of your disagreement with your sibling. I, too, am losing everything...my parter of 13 years has decided he no longer wants to continue our relationship because of my constant absence as I go back/forth to look for my folks and if I do move home, I will find myself looking for a job at almost 50. The guilt. The guilt of knowing no matter what I do, someone somewhere will be unhappy, including myself, because I wasn't able to make everyone happy and be in two places at once. Run, Pamela, as fast as you can and save yourself and whatever else you have to salvage. You may be luckier than some of us out here. I salute you.
Right on memsobelle!!

Yes, I am serious! Your sister is going to say whatever and your mom is going to believe whatever. You actually have no control over it. Who gives a damn what the caregiver thinks. You didn't hire her to judge you and if she's any kind of experienced caregiver she KNOWS you have to get out of there for a bit. Sure, talk to your mom on the phone but if that's how your mom manipulates you and gets you to do stuff you don't want to do, just don't call until you know you are stong enough to say, I love you mom, but I can't today.

By staying away for a time you enable yourself to realize that all will actually be well even if you are not there everyday.

Listen to what the other caregivers have to say and of course you are going to do what you believe is best. I think that we all know that no matter what you do, someone is going to be upset. For once, that someone doesn't have to be you. Let it be someone else for awhile so you can heal. Your sister will be hollering for time off in a bit... let her holler for 4 months and then maybe you both can come up with a viable solution that doesn't cost both of you your sanity.

So what did your sis do when she saw the 1900.00 bill?? Your plight is awful but it is helping to take my mind off of the fact that my mom just crapped her brand new pants, doesn't recognize a banana and thinks that it isn't food, and is in general a total mess to deal with at 89. I love her very very much but I am dying.



bobbie
You are only responsible for your actions and reactions! I have to tell myself that daily, minute by minute. You have to do what you have to do - parenting the parent, parenting your own children.. balancing it all. Hard to clean up the messes others leave behind! Also hard to say NO and not start the wiping - ha!

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